Saturday, March 31, 2012

Shameless Tasteless : Trash Cinema From The Soviet Union Underground (2009)

Yes its all there in the title of this filthy compilation from the Soviet Union. The one thing that seems to go largely unnoticed is that director Yakov Levi is not in fact Slavic. He is actually Canadian and simply chooses to direct his brand of smut in the Soviet for financial and controversial reasoning alone. P.S. his real name is Jeff...

A large amount of these Yakov short films stars Baba Alla or better known to the fans of these trashy movies as "The Sexy Babushka" Now be warned, there is nothing sexy about Baba Alla at all and I guess that is the main focal point of interest here. She is sort of like another version of John Waters favorite Edith Massey but The Sexy Babushka might be slightly more disgusting. Baba Alla is willing to bare it all and it takes a strong stomach to make it through some of her screen presence. Nasty! The Sexy Babushka's two most  infamous titles are Shameless and Tasteless, hence the dvd title but she also appears in a short called Matroshka Dolls Of Doom which is pretty damn shitty and doesn't even really offer up any laughs. Baba also appears in a whole shit-load of extras on this disc of doom.

Its also pretty obvious that Yakov Levi is a pretty big pervert and especially fixated on lesbians. Just about every other short film on this disc is about lesbianism. Some of the dyke excursions that is on display here come from titles like Vanity Insanity and The Ghost Of Marquis De Sade. The big down side is that none of these babes really get naked. These films although very perverse are also very softcore. The girls basically hang out in their underwear, make out and rub each other. This is the sort of thing you would expect from a 60's tease-o-rama flick or something. I would assume this has to do with Slavic censorship or the film festivals. Otherwise I'm sure these sick flicks would be loaded with tit.

The best short out of the whole pack is a movie called The Killer Bra. It has some pretty funny moments in it and it also shows some bare breasted bimbos. This one is about a girl who's bra is haunted by the soul of a dead women who wants revenge. The lead actress basically does all of the action scenes topless and while its all a bit pathetic it is quite gutsy at the same time. Other then The Killer Bra and the Sexy Babushka stuff these films are pretty wretched and serves as better background visual for a party then an actual watch.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Diary Of A Serial Killer (1995)

This Chinese Cat. III film is pretty much a direct ripoff of Danny Lee's Dr. Lamb. It opens with the arrest of a demented man who is accused of killing 14 prostitutes and the entire story is told through a flashback from our sicko killer.

Diary Of A Serial Killer is pure exploitation. It is perverse, brutal and just plain sick. In some senses it can be on the realistic side with our over sexed killer being a chronic masturbator. "My brain can't control my body" While on the other side it is totally far fetched and pretty ridiculous. For instance he brings his victims home into his loft where he will rape, torture and murder them all the while his wife and kids are downstairs. Yeah I don't buy it. Our murdering scumbag goes by the name of Bill and is often referred to as "Brother Bill" in the movie. Bill has some crazy ideas about women. Prostitutes specifically.

Brother Bill hates prostitutes and views them as the lowest life form. He kills them so it is possible for them to be reincarnated and come back as something better in the next life. I personally believe that Bill is just a sick fuck who loves prostitutes. Or at least love to rape them, kill them and then chop them into little bits. His philosophy is just a cover up for his actions. He needs to feel that he is doing the world a favor, when in reality he gets off on sex and murder.

This movie blatantly rips from Dr. Lamb with scenes of necrophilia and corpse mutilation. Breasts and vagina's are removed from the body in gruesome detail. It is sure to turn a few stomachs. Especially for those who are not used to this type of cinematic trash.

Most would argue it but I personally prefer Diary Of A Serial Killer over Dr. Lamb. I feel there is more going on plot-wise and the movie never seems to slow down or bore. Dr. Lamb may have been first but this exploitative duplicate uses the formula perfectly. We get strangulation, murder by hair pick, murder by chop stick, fire crackers are wedged between fingers and toes and dynamite is shoved into a vagina for a nasty, mean spirited explosion. We have an incredibly sleazy scene that shows Brother Bill masturbating to bondage porn. His wife brings out the vegetable oil and lends him a hand. As she wacks away with the greasy cooking oil their daughter comes out crying. Mother waits for Bills O.K. before tending to the child. She pours the dirty dick-oil from the palm of her hand back into the container to be used for a meal later on. Now that's what I call an efficient house wife. We get lots of rape on display, a collection of pubic hair (the Japs would be offended), some gun violence, some nasty kitchen knife stabbing, lots of blood and it all makes for one twisted fucking movie.

Fans of this movie should check out The Untold Story also known as The Bun Man which is amongst the best of Category III films.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Inseminoid (1981)

I have come to the realization that British horror/cult director Norman J. Warren is a fucking madman. He is responsible for guilty pleasures of mine such as Bloody New Year and Satans Slave. So far everything I have seen from this guy has some basic commonalities. First being that the movies are dumb and if you try to make sense of them you are fucking doomed. Second being that the acting is atrocious and as unbelievable as can be. The third and final link is a positive one. His movies always seem to be done in bad taste and are usually pretty damn gory. For this reason his movies have some what of a replay value for me and sort of linger around in my mind for a while.

Check out that poster above. It just lets you know right away that this thing is going to be pretty sleazy. Even my dvd cover shows a baby monster that resembles a sort of mutant penis similar to something you would see in a Troma movie or Frank Henenlotter's Brain Damage or something.

Inseminoid which also goes under the title of Horror Planet is sort of Friday The 13th meets Alien. It rips from Alien as much as possible but the overall sleazy story makes this thing run a bit more like a slasher film. It tells of a woman (who looks a whole lot like Dee Wallace) who is raped by an giant slimy alien and impregnated with the monsters babies. The rape scene is bound to make you feel a bit uneasy and the thought of these mutants incubating in this woman isn't so pleasant either.

People are knocked off one by one in true slasher fashion. Most of them are mangled pretty badly. Some of them are even hung up on doors and one can't help but wonder if Jason Vorhees is decorating the place.

A woman saws her foot off, another is chopped into with a pair of scissors, guts are ripped out, legs are blown apart in explosions and we even get a bit of cannibalism. The little aliens also like to feast on human blood and we just have tons of red stuff to keep us awake while the world dumbest characters set themselves up for the next cheesy murder scene. Once just about everybody in the whole movie is dead and we already surpassed what would have been a perfect conclusion the film decides to go on for an extra few minutes which I couldn't understand for the life of me.

If you're looking for something British that will most likely burn out your last few brain cells while still delivering the goods, this might be the one for you. Fans of this movie should be sure to check out some of the other weird films from the director as well.

Whats The Matter With Helen? (1971)

Ever want to see Shelly Winters as a ape-shit psychopath? Well here's your chance. This one was directed by Curtis Harrington, the same lunatic who gave us the incredibly bizarre Denis Hopper flick Night Tide. He also went on to do a bunch of odd television movies like Killer Bees and Devil Dog : The Hound From Hell.

Whats The Matter With Helen? plays like a typical Harrington flick in the sense that its weird enough to hold your attention but its a little on the soft side as if it was intended to be acceptable for television. For this reason alone the film gets knocked down a few pegs. Everybody knows that a good horror flick is trashy and gritty. This film is more of a thriller then a horror movie and is slightly to classy for its own good. Whats The Matter With Helen isn't exactly a bad movie. The characters are well enough developed and the story is interesting enough to hold the attention of the average mongoloid. Its just to bad that they didn't go down the stalk and slash route. Instead this movie plays like a less memorable version of Misery.

This one tells of two women who's sons committed a brutal murder and are arrested by the police. There are some angry people amongst the towns folk who want revenge and who better to take it out on then the mothers of the murdering bastards. The two women take off for Hollywood where they will change they're identities and open up a dance school for young talent. It is then that the two women learn how different they really are. Shelly Winters plays the hyper religious Helen and yes there is something the matter with her. Debbie Reynolds plays the glamorous blond who is as obsessed with the high life as Helen is in the lord. They continue to be stalked and its not long before they become murderers themselves. We get a twist ending that really isn't all that satisfying and a pretty downbeat climax.

The film offers up stabbings, a rabbit massacre (complete with lots of fluffy, white bunnies with their throats slit), a man is pushed into some sharp blades on a old time gardening vehicle (complete with red stuff), we have achy-breaky skulls in a scene where a man is pushed down the stairs and we get plenty of mental health issues from Shelly Winters.

Not the worst thing you could watch but only recommended for people who prefer classy thriller type movies over sleazy horror flicks from the 70's. For more trashy time with chubby-slasher-mamma's you could always try Crazy Fat Ethel.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Santo And The Diabolical Brain (1963)

Here is another ridiculous early attempt at a Lucha Libre film. In this Mexican wrestling romp two detectives disguise themselves as cowboys and take off to a dangerous village that is run by criminals in search of Virginia. Virginia left her boy friend (one of the detectives) and is shacking up with the leader of a violent gang.

Where does Santo fit into this you might ask... Well nothing really quite fits in with this movie. Things seem to happen for no apparent reason and overly it doesn't make much sense. Santo however does appear before long. He is yet again working with the police and when the detectives blow their cover Santo comes to the rescue. The first time he appears is great and has to be seen to be believed. The villagers see Santo standing at the top of the stairs in his spandex, cape and signature silver mask and all at once yell out "SANTO". Our wrestling super hero does some fast driving in the expected car chase scenes but for an added bonus we get to see Santo ride a horse. Santo beats the shit out of anybody who gets in his path and it makes for a pretty entertaining flick. He also stops a airplane from taking off with the use of his muscles only. This is quite the spectacle and bound to get a chuckle from anyone who can appreciate these cheesy little action flicks.

You should be warned that there is absolutely no Diabolical Brain in this movie and it shouldn't be confused for one of the Santo horror flicks like Santo Vs. The Zombies or Santo And Blue Demon Vs. Doctor Frankenstein. Instead we have typical western villain with some huge bulging eye balls. However we do have a torture scene in which our two detectives have their heads crushed with rope and sticks? However my favorite moments shows one of our detectives pretending to fight as he watches giant brawls go on around him. We also have some kinky spankings at the end of the film. Despite the lack of a Diabolical Brain this one is slightly more entertaining then most of the early Santo flicks. Fans wont be disappointed.

Monster On Campus (1958)

Jack Arnold is one of the best horror/sci-fi directors of the 50's. Responsible for classics such as Creature From The Black Lagoon and Tarantula. Monster On The Campus comes one year after The Incredible Shrinking Man but unlike The Shrinking Man, Monster On Campus is a bit more violent.

By no means can one take any of these silly 50's monster movies seriously but this one is just a touch more violent then most. The monster pulls women by the hair and throws them around. Then there is also the fact that our monster chooses a hatchet as a weapon of choice and in the films greatest moment the short handled axe is embedded into a mans face. Ouch! The scene comes complete with a bit of gore and the camera tends to linger on the corpse with the hatchet wedged into the achy-breaky skull for just a moment more then would be expected.

On the other hand this one tends to bore a bit in the earlier half with far to much dialogue and silly chit-chat about "Mans inner beast" and all that nonsense. The story itself is kind of dumb but when it comes time for all out monster mayhem it all becomes worth while.

For those of you who would like to become a axe wielding monster some day, all you have to do is mix the blood of a prehistoric fish with some ultra violet rays and blam! You will be a hairy ape-man with a lust for blood and blond chicks before you know it. We also have some really funny pieces of dialogue that may or may not have been intentionally humorous. Monster On Campus is no where near the best from Jack Arnold but fans of this type of movie could do a lot worse.

The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957)

50's science fiction and horror films have this certain charm to them. They can be so fun. Filled with monsters, giants, killer animals and in this case very, very little people but they are almost wholesome at the same time. Perhaps it was the innocence of that decade or was it just a break from the more serious horror films of the 30's? What ever it was it is pretty hard to not love these movies.

Horror veteran Jack Arnold whose titles consist of such classics as Creature From The Black Lagoon, Tarantula, Revenge Of The Creature, Monster On Campus and even Boss Nigger directs this timeless classic about a man who is subjected to some radio activity and shrinks little by little every day until he is to small to even defend himself against a small insect. The theory was brilliant and probably as fun to play with special effects wise as was The Invisible Man in the 30's. Of course competitors would follow up quickly with a tale about an incredible growing man only months later with The Amazing Colossal Man but it is this movie that put giants and midgets on the sci-fi map.

You really have to give these film makers credit. As ludicrous as the idea seems you really buy in to it due to how well and proportioned The Incredible Shrinking Man turned out in the end. The scene where our little man who is now living in a child's doll house is attacked by a regular house cat is amazing. They make this cat look like Godzilla compared to our main character and it really does work.

We also have the unforgettable fight scene between The Shrinking Man and a spider. The Shrinking Man uses a sewing needle as a sword and it makes for one hell of a fight. The film is also jam packed with other obstacles for our small man to overcome. A spilled drink is like swimming across a river and climbing up stairs is out of the question. A must see for anyone who digs these crazy 50's sci-fi flicks. Watch him now until he is to small to find!

Penitentiary 2 (1982)

Fans of the first movie should be prepared to be let down. Penitentiary 2 really just doesn't hold up to the original. Too Sweet is on parole and doing the best he can at a dead end job to keep out of trouble and stay far away from the big house. The last thing he wants is to end up in the same hell hole that he fought for his life in Penitentiary but sure enough Too Sweet gets the short end of the stick yet again and is convinced to go back to boxing.

This time with Mr. T in his corner Too Sweet is forced to fight one of his old prison enemies. This time around the enemy is played by a completely different actor. Ernie Hudson from Ghostbusters puts on a clown wig and kills Too Sweet's girlfriend. Its pretty obvious what goes on from here. We get some vengeance and some boxing but the general story is weak in comparison to the first film as is the fight scenes.

On a more positive note we get a crazy little midget who brings some entertainment to the screen and Hi-Fi the drag queen shows up again for some more cross dressing madness. I am yet to see the third film in the Peniteentiary series but I hear that its not much better then this waste of time. Stick with the first film for some bad-ass boxing, psycho jail-birds and some slick dialogue.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Horror Hospital (1973)

Horror Hospital is a twisted British gem from the 70's. Sleaze wise it falls in the ranks of Peter Walker films and even stars a Walker familiar (Robin Askwith) from The Flesh And Blood Show. This time Askwith plays a long haired rocker named Jason who is off for some sun and fresh air on what the English call a holiday. In fact it is a "Hairy holiday" as it is advertised in the film. A holiday for the youth. The only problem is Jason doesn't get much relaxation. Instead he ends up in a strange hotel with a lunatic scientist that must have got his schooling from Dr. Frankenstein.

Before Jason's arrival at the Horror Hospital he meets up with a sexy young British slag named Judy. Don't worry guys the VHS box doesn't lie. Judy gets naked in a gratuitous shower scene that comes complete with bush and a typical horror film jump-scare.

Michael Gough (Legend Of Hell House) plays the mad scientist who practices his absurd brain surgery on the youth and makes them into his own instruments of pleasure. Of course they are in a zombie like state and not to pretty to look at. They come complete with white face paint and big scars down their forehead's where the scalpel ripped the flesh. We also have a bunch of guys running around in leather motorcycle gear, complete with boots, helmet and leather jackets. These guys serve as body guards for wheelchair ridden Michael Gough. Was Michael Gough actually in a wheel chair in 1973? I find it odd that he is cripple in both Hell House and Horror Hospital. We also get a midget-slave and a monster running around for added fun. The midget serves as pure entertainment in what was supposed to be comical scenes but I find it pretty funny when he is whipped in the face with a riding crop.

While I wouldn't exactly call Horror Hospital a splatter film it is pretty gory. We have open brain surgery, an axe to the head and multiple decapitations from a unproportioned and completely ridiculous contraption that is built into the doctors car. The car comes complete with giant switchblades that pop out from the side of the car and sears heads off. The severed heads land perfectly into a basket that is also hanging from the car. We also have a pretty nasty burn victim and a zombie meltdown as well. Horror Hospital also goes under titles such as Computer Killers, Doctor Bloodbath, Dr. Frankensteins Horrorklinik, and many other foreign titles. I however prefer Horror Hospital since that is how I first saw it in the VHS days. Directed by Anthony Balch the same madman who gave us the incredibly strange Bizarre Secrets Of Sex, or the artsy-fartsy Towers Open Fire and the annoyingly awesome The Cut Ups with William S. Burroughs. Anybody familiar with Balch's work would know that Horror Hospital is going to be a weird one and a must see. Check it out for a trashy good time with gore, monsters and midgets.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Chinese Connection (1972)

Chinese Connection also known as Fist Of Fury, not to be mistaken for Fists Of Fury which is The Big Boss comes out one year after the success of The Big Boss. With Bruce Lee becoming a rising star in Hong Kong it was absolutely necessary for Lee to do another film.

Bruce plays a martial artist who is distraught over his teachers death. When he learns that the Japanese are responsible for the murder of his beloved teacher he makes a vow to kill them all off on his own.

This in its self is quite the stretch from The Big Boss. If you remember correctly in that film Lee swears to a passive lifestyle until he is forced to break it at the end. Fortunately for us there is much more Bruce Lee kung fu from early on but on a down note The Chinese Connection is nowhere near as graphically violent as its predecessor . There certainly isn't much gore on display and it also lacks in the nudity department. For these reasons I think I prefer the more exploitative Big Boss but The Chinese Connection is still an okay watch for Bruce Lee's presence alone.

There are a bunch of typically goofy moments that come complete with bad dubbing, not the best of acting and a classic scene that shows Lee twisting his foot on an enemies head as if he were putting out a cigarette. We also get the famous hypnotic scene where Lee moves his arms about and leaves psychedelic trails for our viewing pleasure.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Woman Of Vengeance (1971)

This is one hell of a choppy and grainy watch. Woman Of Vengeance is available as a double feature with Slave Girls Of The S.S.. Both of these movies are pretty much beaten to hell but Woman Of Vengeance really takes the cake.

I'm sure this thing didn't look all that good on its release in the 70's but the dvd is hard to even see what is going on. There are moments that are completely white. Especially the scenes that take place outdoors. These scenes are painful to watch. You might be better off looking at a white wall for a few minutes. It is loaded with burps and skips and the audio is pretty bad as well.

The story isn't all that great either but there is some amusing dialogue. Story goes something like this. Man hates wife. Wife hates man. Man cheats on wife with Rene Bond. Wife cheats on husband with his best friend. Wife hires man to kill husband. Husband kills them both. The scene where the hitman is supposed to kill the husband is ridiculous. Its hard to see what happens because it is so white but it looks like the hitman falls down a hill and accidentaly shoots himself. The husband then kills his wife and her lover with the old toaster in the bathtub gag.

Rene Bond looks pretty good and offers up a couple of sex scenes but that is really all that this XXX piece of 70's smut has to offer

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dead Next Door (1989)

People really love to shit on this low budget zombie flick. I myself wasn't the biggest fan when I first saw it years back but I must admit this 8mm gore flick has grown on me.

Sure its silly, horribly acted, horribly dubbed and just looks generally cheap but I believe these are the films strong points. I love the gritty look of the 8mm film and the gore is pretty fun too. If only we had some what of an interesting story I would be able to give The Dead Next Door much more praise.

A militant group cheesily named "The Zombie Squad" take to the road for a scientific research team. They collect zombies and bring them back for testing in hope of a cure. Of course our Zombie Squad spends more time killing the undead bastards off then collecting them but that is besides the point. They also threw in a pretty dumb and pointless subplot about a bunch of religious weirdos who think the zombies are a gift from god and that rapture is here.

I say it is dumb but that is what would probably happen in a real zombie apocalypse situation. Religious maniacs would probably be roaming the streets with the walking dead, looking to sacrifice normal thinking folk to the zombie-gods or something.

Anyway, this thing is loaded with cool gore gags. Heads are blown off (complete with red splatter), fingers are bitten off, achy-breaky skulls are dissected (complete with leaking brains), necks are bitten, machete's are pushed through torso's. We have a grenade shoved into a mouth and a big bloody explosion. Its pretty obvious that the film makers were die-hard horror fanatics. The film pays homage to Evil Dead and Sam Raimi, George A. Romero, Steven King, Tom Savini and others.

Dead Next Door gets to much flack from those who need polished horror movies. Its a million times better then the shit that comes out today and its a fun watch. Wear a raincoat because the blood rains in buckets in this one.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Touch Of Evil (1958)

You can only sit through so much trash until you go back to Orson Welles. Touch Of Evil is cinematic brilliance from opening title to end credits. The establishing shot is one of the most elaborate I have ever seen. Some might call it pretentious but I call it eye-candy.

Charlton Heston plays a Mexican cop (and pulls it off) and Orson Welles plays an American cop with some social issues. When a bomb goes off on the border of Mexico and the U.S. Heston and Welles bump heads in their different tactics to track down the killer.

Janet Leigh plays Heston's wife and she gets caught up in a personal vendetta against her husband. The twists and turns are as innovated as the movement of the camera work its self.

Touch Of Evil runs a bit on the long side but never really gets boring or tired due to the masterful craftsmanship that went into this production. Welles is undoubtedly a genius and it is to bad that America will probably never know another writer, director, producer and actor quite like him.

Where are the Welles and the Hitchcock's of today? Most certainly not working in Hollywood, that's for sure.

There are some real heart pounding moments in this Noir flick. We have murder, juvenile delinquents, a good cop, a bad cop, drug use, excessive drinking, top of the line acting and a great story to go with the amazing cinematography. Fans of Citizen Kane should check this one out. Its bound to keep you at the edge of your seat.

She'll Do Alright (198?)

 A french maid (Julia Perrir) comes to America in this euro-trash flick to make some money and learn how to speak English. She is transferred from house to house until she meets John Leslie and falls in love. There is very little plot going on in this softcore pornographic comedy but She'll Do All Right still manages to be funny. With extremely sleazy characters and crazy shenanigans make this one a fast paced good time.

Julia Perrir looks great and she has a couple of really hot moments. One particularly in front of a mirror. I always love me some mirror porn. Then we have these wacky scenes of old people being pervy. An old man gets a tit job. Another old man lives with hundreds of cats and steals lingerie. Then we have an old couple who reads porno zines while screwing.

I have never seen the hardcore version of this movie and doubt it makes it much better. I do know it is part of an Uncle Farts 4 feature film set which also sports the unwatchable Involuntary Bird. Thank the pron-gods for filthy cartoons and rare little forgotten gems like this. Filled to the brim with artsy-fartsy euro-shots and plenty of hairy beaver. Its a smut-fest to entertain some friends with.