Friday, February 24, 2012

Vagabond Loafers (1949)

This Edward Bernds remake of Del Lords 1940 Three Stooges romp A Plumbing We Will Go holds up well to the crazy escapades that Curly offered up nine years earlier. I prefer the 1940 flick a touch more but they are both very good and jam packed with goofs and laughs.

The Stooges get their hands wet as plumbers. Their company name is Day And Nite Plumbers and they got their first call to mansion where the upper class scum is holding a party. Amongst the yuppies are two criminals on a mission to steal a priceless painting.

On the Stooges arrival they are of course talked down upon. By now we all know that every Three Stooges short is a class-war disguised as a comedy. The Stooges get back at the rich bastards by destroying their home and hitting the butlers over the head with heavy pipes. They flood the kitchen, bathroom, basement and hallways. Watter pours from the television and light fixtures in buckets.

Shemp's take on the maze of pipes in the famous bathtub scene is almost as good as Curly's. Larry goes a bit nuts with a blowtorch and sets Moe's ass on fire. Larry also roams around in covered from head to toe in white powder and the guests run from him. Moe "How much do you charge to haunt a house" Larry "Depends... How many rooms".

The Stooges save the day this time and catch the bandits. Of course they get no reward and they leave the mansion flooded with water.

One of the best of all Three Stooges remakes!

The Burning Moon (1997)

I have heard people compare this movie to Nekromantik which is a bit ridiculous to me. The production value doesn't compete with Nekromantik or any of Jorge Buttgereit films for that matter. For me it plays more like an Andreas Shnaas flick. Sure Burning Moon is better then Violent Shit or any of the sequels but it has that same low budget shot on video feel to it.

On the upper hand The Burning Moon is a complete and total splatter-house gore-fest. The gore surpasses Violent Shit by the gallons and for this reason alone The Burning Moon is a must see for all gore-hounds and special effects geeks alike. The blood comes by the buckets with multiple decapitations and severed heads galore. The best and most gory scene shows a man being tortured in hell. Visually if you want a great portrayal of hell you should go with Coffin Joe and At Midnights I'll Take Your Soul or Awakening Of The Beast but if blood and guts is what you are looking for you better check out The Burning Moon. A man in brutally mutilated. He has his teeth drilled out with a power tool in true Driller Killer fashion. Next he is cut up with a big knife and eventually spilt in half in a scene that is oddly reminiscent of Lucio Fulci's Demonia which came out seven years prior.

The Burning Moon is actually an anthology film. It tells of a junkie in a street gang who enjoys shooting smack and looking up at The Burning Moon. He also likes to tuck his baby sister in to bed and tell her gruesome bedtime stories. The first story is about a serial killer on a blind date. This one comes complete with a few decapitations. One of which shows the killer throwing the severed head of a prostitute out of his car window into a passing motorists windshield. This pisses the victim off and he goes gun crazy and shoots a man in the head (complete with head explosion). How a little hand gun causes a overly gory head explosion... I'm not sure but it sure is fucking fun to watch. This story also offers up a burning corpse in a bathtub. A machete through a mans face. Fingers are lobbed off, arms are chopped off etc.

The next story tells of a perverted priest in the oh so familiar story of a man doing the work of god and cleansing the world of its filth. This one offers up a nasty rape scene, more gun violence and the infamous hell scene which for me makes the whole movie worth while. Some of the other treats that The Burning Moon as to offer is an awesome scene where grandpa kills a young boys mother right before his eyes, silly Violent Shit style dialogue, and eyeball's being ripped out and shoved into a victims mouth. The eye in the mouth is shot through a weird point of view. Maybe this scene was shot in tonsil-vision.

All in all I'm not a big fan of 99% of all shot on video movies. I think they are shit and always look like some little kid shot it in their bathroom but The Burning Moon stands out amongst the stacks of crap for its over the top bloodletting. Check it out if you're a sicko like me who can enjoy the simple pleasures of red stuff.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Teen Scenes (1984-198?)

I recently picked this Christy Canyon Tripple Feature # 5 and felt pretty gyped when I learned that Teen Scenes wasn't in fact a feature at all. You should not be able to market a dvd pack as a tripple bill when one of the supposed movies is not a feature but instead is a shitty compilation.

They took all of the Christy Canyon footage from banned Traci Lords flicks and spliced it all together and called it Teen Scenes. Now I suppose this is a treat for Canyon fans who are upright citizens and stay clear of the Lords kiddie stuff but for me it is out right blasphemy to package it as a movie.

This Canyon set sucks the big one. Kissin Cousins is the better of the two shot on video movies on here but that still isn't saying much. Little Girls Of The Streets is total shit and well you already know my feelings on Teen Scenes. Skip this dvd and pick up a nice Vanessa Del Rio tripple feature from Alpha Blue Archives instead.

Little Girls Of The Streets (1984)

Here is another cheapo shot on video Christy Canyon flick from 1984. From the same filmakers, if you can call them that, who did Kissin Cousins. In fact the same couch from Kissin Cousins shows up and so do a couple of other rooms and objects. Its pretty obvious that these two movies were shot back to back and while Cousins was pretty fucking awful, Little Girls Of The Street is even worse.

This one starts off like it is going to be a real movie with somewhat of a plot but it turns out to be just a bunch of fucking and sucking scenes. A pimp puts his bitches out on the streets because he owes some money to some powerful dudes... That's it... That's the story. Christy Canyon has a threesome with two dudes and Scott Irish shows up to do some dirty work as well. I fucking hate Scott Irish and this time he has trouble getting it up.

This movie sucks pretty fucking bad! Only worth a watch for Canyon's giant melon heavy breasts. Actually there is a nice looking brunette thrown into the mix as well but other then that skip this stupid little fuck-tape from the 80's.

Over The Edge (1979)

This was the sort of thing I day dreamed about when I was a young kid in school. The kids banning together and revolting against parents, teachers and any other authority figure. Destroying the school and maybe blowing it up... Fuck it!

Well needless to say it never happened in my town but luckily for me movies like Over The Edge gives me the vandalism to school property that I crave oh so much. Being a fan of the 50's juvenile delinquent films and the 80's punxploitation films like Class Of 1984 and Class Of Nuke Em High and any other movie that portrays a youth gone wild.

Over The Edge is kind of like a cross between The Rivers Edge and Rock N' Roll High School which came out the same year. The music of The Ramones can be heard on the soundtrack but this movie doesn't attempt to be funny at all.

Matt Dillon shows up in his first screen appearance ever and he looks like a baby. Lucky for us he doesn't act like one and neither do any of these kids. They drink, smoke weed, drop acid, pack knives & guns and the streets are more then their stomping grounds. They are their battlefield. "Any kid who tells on another kid... is a dead kid". The director would go on to do Truck Turner which is also pretty awesome. We also have a cop that looks a lot like Tom Towels from Henry : Portrait Of A Serial Killer but I am yet to have this confirmed.

Most of the kids in this movie seem doomed from the start. A dead-end town with nothing to do but burn-out. Matt Dillon's character seems to be the most nihilistic and have a certain death-wish. He is eventually shot and killed by the police and the kids revolt by locking the teachers, parents and local police inside the school. The blow up the adults cars and destroy everything in sight. There is this perfect scene of symbolism that shows a young mute kid skateboarding through dark school hallways with sunglasses on and an open knife in his hand. This image struck me the hardest and is probably over looked by most but what better way to portray a generation of nihilistic youth?

Over The Edge also offers up street fights, a dead cop and an awesome bad trip in the classroom. This is must see for anyone who loves juvenile delinquent films!

Kissin Cousins (1984)

Christy Canyon did her first porno movie in 1984. The same year she did about a dozen more. Kissin Cousins is amongst the 1984 dirty dozen. It is sort of a remake of Kirdy Stevens Playing With Fire but no where near as good.

Christy Canyon and her two brothers move into their uncle and three cousins house. Yes there will definitely be some cousin kissin... Herschell Savage plays uncle and he sticks it to his own sister meanwhile the kids are fucking like rabbits. We get some general oral-fu and even some anal antics. Canyon doesn't do the dirty until the final scene because she plays the good girl virgin. Canyon is billed as Tara Wine in this one and she looks pretty good or at least her tits do. To bad the movie is a total piece of shit.

Shot on video with the most minimal of story lines, Kissin Cousins offers up Scott Irish who looks stupid in every movie but at least he can get it up. That is more then we can say for the other dip-shit with the mustache in this movie. Its pretty sad but its obvious that they had to edit around this limp-dick scum bag. They choose abnormal angles with the hope that we wouldn't realize he can't get it up. Characters appear and disappear from the scene and it makes for some of the worst continuity in pornographic history.

Watch for Canyons cannons and that's it!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Unholy Three (1925)

Tod Browning and Lon Chaney do it again. Browning delivers another amazing movie from the enviorment that he feel most comfortable from... The circus side show.

Lon Chaney plays a ventriloquist in a circus side show named Echo. The name suits him well since he has the ability to project his voice in such a fashion that nobody can tell where it is coming from. Echo teams up with the circus dwarf played by Harry Earles who we all know and love as Hans from Browning's Freaks and the strong man Hercules. Together the three criminals plot out the crime of a lifetime.

Chaney disguises himself as an old woman and Harry Earles posses as a infant. Hercules plays the babies father. They steal some expensive jewelery from some very wealthy people. Things go wrong and eventually the three criminals kill a man. Its not long before the law is on there ass and they have to decide whether or not to run or keep up the act and stay in character.

First off Harry Earles is amazing and really does pass as a baby. Chaney is great as usual but I had a harder time believing him as the old woman then I did Earles as an infant.

They also did a talkie version of the film in 1930. The remake would be Chaney's last film and the only time he ever spoke on film. I have never seen the remake and don't really even feel the need to because the original is just to good on its own. Its funny because this particular Tod Browning & Lon Chaney collaboration is greatly over looked. Everybody talks about the great Alonzo The Armless which would come out two years after this film and of course the remake due to the fact that it was Chaney's last picture. Its shame because The Unholy Three really is another great. It has a level of realism in the violence that sort of surpasses all other Browning films that I have seen.

In one very gratuitous moment of violence Harry Earles kicks a child in the face. The scene comes complete with blood that pours from a child's smashed in nose. This is something that you wouldn't see in your average movie even by today's standards. The movie also comes complete with a bad-ass killer gorilla but unlike the remake and the talkies that would follow in the 30's and 40's this is not a man in a gorilla suit. The used a real ape and with some movie magic managed to make this thing look enormous and vicious as hell. Echo keeps the ape for his own protection and yes we do get some crazy ape-fu. Aside from the violence we have the expected subplot of a doomed love story which is necessary for every Chaney picture. Chaney's performance is touching as usual and despite how evil the character of Echo is the audience once again can't help but feel sorry for this heart broken man.

China Cat (1978)

Oh ya gotta love the Johnny Wadd series... The China Cat is Bob Chinn's follow up to The Jade Pussycat which came out one year earlier in 1977. The two movies are a lot alike and it seems by this time Bob Chinn was content with following a certain formula for the Wadd movies and just collecting the check later.

This still doesn't make the films any less entertaining. The China Cat is fun from beginning to end. However the main focus is sex this time around and we don't really get any fight scenes or Johnny Wadd-fu that we all love so much.

However we do get a typical 70's porn good natured rape scene that involves a botched up assassination from a foxy Asian babe. Obviously Mr. 13 and a half is going to pay his revenge through his deadliest of weapons. We also have some chloroform shenanigans in a scene where a girl soaks her vagina with the sleepy-chemicals. Naturally Wadd goes to put his tongue to work and before you know it we have a passed out private dick on our hands.

John Holmes is pretty awesome in this movie and he looks a bit more healthy then usual. Perhaps Chinn wouldn't allow him to get fucked up before shoots this time around. What ever the case, Holmes is on top of his game in this one and he plays Wadd like the suave, bad-ass mother fucker that he is supposed to be.

He bangs everyone from his secretary to his worst enemy. One of the girls in the film was brave enough for some Holmes anal-fu. Before sticking it up the old poop-chute Holmes delivers this line "You smile now... We will see later". Fucking awesome! The actress must have been mortified... Afraid or not she takes it like a champ. Holmes is typically limp in The China Cat but in more then one scene he appears to be more then halfway erect.

The story tells of four women known as "The Devils" who are on a mission to steal the priceless Jade Pussycat from Johnny Wadd. Of course they all fuck him and of course none of them get the pussycat.

The creepy Dale Meador (China De Sade, Behind The Green Door) shows up as a servant named Jaspers and Desiree Cousteau has a brief blowjob scene which comes complete with some of the most ridiculous voice dubbing and forms what is probably my favorite scene in the whole movie. Fortunately this scene is right in the beginning and sets the pace for the whole movie. Unfortunately the rest of the film is nowhere near as chaotic as the opening moments. None the less The China Cat is yet another great collaboration between Chinn and Holmes and makes for another awesome Wadd flick! Oh and watch for the scenes where John Holmes makes his sexy-face... His hair moves with his face.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Enslaved Brunette (195?)

One of Irving Klaw's early bondage stag films. This one shows three babes in a bit of a bind. It involves a submissive brunette being bound and dominated by what looks like a red-head and her blond bondage maid. Fist she is tied around the wrists and ankles and spanked. Then she is hog tied and bound into a sort of pulley system.

Apparently Enslaved Brunette offers some of the best rope work in any Irving Klaw film. Personally not being into bondage I really couldn't judge. Being into cinema on the other hand I can tell you that Enslave Brunette is a nice little oddity in the tasteless archives of stag films. If 50's babes in big undergarments is your thing be sure to give this one a go!

The Burning (1981)

Take Friday The 13th and mix in elements of Don't Go In The House and you would come out with The Burning. The Burning would come out only one year after Friday The 13th and Don't Go In The House and steals from both..

1980 is my favorite year for slasher films. So many great ones would terrorize theater goers. Movies like Maniac, The Prowler and Don't Answer The Phone are amongst my favorites from this year and movies like The Burning are here to show that the stalk and slash movies are going to stick around for a while and the simple formula in movie massacre will continue to bring people into the theater seats. The Burning is a pretty gory movie and while it may start a bit on the slow side it really takes off once we get to the infamous raft scene where our killer takes out four teenagers at once.

The killers name is Cropsy. His victims are the teenagers at a summer camp that he used to work at. His reason for killing is a form of vengeance. Cropsy's face and body is horribly disfigured to from a prank gone wrong, in which he suffered severe burns. His weapon of choice is a giant pair of garden sheers. Why use regular old scissors when you can use a huge fucking pair of scissors?

This movie is mostly remembered for the raft scene that I mentioned before. In what is probably less then a minute of runtime we have three fingers being chopped off in gory detail, A fatal throat wound, Face slashing and brutal stabbings.

The great Tom Savini did the special effects for this one and we all know the man was at the top of his game when this one came around. We also have some nasty flame thrower-fu that would give the average Don't Go In The House fan-boy a hard-on.

We do get some bare breasts and bush on display and not to mention a very young George Costanza from the Seinfeld television series in his first screen appearance. Unfortunately we don't get to see George get killed and chopped to bits. Maybe when Hollywood decides to remake this one they can kill that old prick off.

Some of the other fun that The Burning has to offer is dead hookers, maggot infested severed heads, axe to the achy-breaky skull, perverted nerds, typical 80's tough-guy bully's, and lots of gory puncture wounds.

Fans of this movie should also check out the Italian slasher Haunts. That one offers up a black gloved killer using scissors as a weapon of choice. While they might not cause quite as much damage as garden sheers its still worth a watch. "Trust me baby. You're gonna love it".

Stomp! Shout! Scream! (2005)

Okay this thing would be retitled for its dvd release in 2009 and go by the name Monster Beach Party A Go-Go. The dvd title should scream out to genre fans. Obviously a mix between the 60's beach party flicks and monster movies. A homage to movies like The Horror Of Party Beach but while The Horror Of Party Beach is an all around awesome movie with monsters, gruesome death and surf rock. Stomp! Shout! Scream! is pretty much a giant turd.

This one tells of a all girl garage-rock group who cross paths with "The Skunk Ape" also known as Bigfoot or Sasquatch. However I couldn't help but be reminded of the awful Curse OF Bigfoot because this thing doesn't look like a monster at all. It is just another guy in a gorilla suit movie (Ape) that were so popular in the 30's and 40's.

I would say the only redeeming value that Stomp! Shout! Scream! has to offer is the wardrobe and a few cool garage rock bands like The Woggles. Everything else is pretty bad, boring and unwatchable. We don't get to see any on screen murder which always knocks points off of any monster movie. We don't get any nudity which is also a shame.

We do get some scattered body parts and severed limbs with a slight touch of the red stuff. We also have our fair share of bikini clad bimbos doing their best Go-Go dance routines on the beach. We have a couple of lines that may get a chuckle out of one or two of you and a pretty funny song about syphilis. Other then that Stomp! Shout! Scream is a complete waste of time.

For a much better homage flick check out the blaxploitation throwback Black Dynamite. That one is great from beginning to end. It stays true to the genre and never lets you down. Stay away from this Skunk-Ape... It stinks!

A Wet Dream ON Elm Street (2011)

Another stupid horror-porn-parody from the 2000's. Apparently there was a porno film of the same title in 1990 but I have never seen that one and I couldn't even find much information about it. So does that mean that this is a remake of the 90's film? Who cares...

I guess I can be grateful that A Wet Dream On Elm Street (2011) wasn't quite as hard to sit through as the 1992 Freddy parody A Nightmare On Dyke Street which could possibly be the worst porn parody I have ever seen.

Like Dyke Street the new  2011 parody offers a burnt Freddy with a glove that comes complete with sex toys for fingers. In Dyke Street Freddy's fingers were anal beads of some sort that he never really inserted anywhere. This time around he has vibrators for fingers and he doesn't really put them to use here either. On the plus side Freddy's makeup is much better in this movie and we even get a bit of a back story.

Freddy was some what of a sleaze merchant. Or a smut peddler if you will. He sold over priced sex toys out of the trunk of his car to local perverts. Eventually the towns people had enough of Freddy and burned him alive. Freddy swore vengeance on the people who killed him. Now Freddy haunts the local teenagers in there dreams and leaves them in a comatose state of constant orgasm.

Yes the story is fucking dumb but what would you expect? At least they offered something of a story unlike so many other porn parodies that come out these days. This one also offers up a few laughs, mainly from our protagonist. In one of the best scenes a girl calls our gloved villain Jason and he replies "It's fucking Freddy". and speaking of Jason I have to admit I also liked this one better then Official Friday The 13th Parody.

The girls are average and none of them offer anything very unique or memorable. One of them is a bit on the chunky side with giant swinging utters. Then we have a screechy voiced brunette who spits and slobbers all over the place. We get a skinny bitch in a prison dream with microscopic breasts and I suppose the hottest scene in the movie is a solo masturbation scene with a brunette who pleases herself with Freddy's glove.

This thing was directed by Lee Roy Myers, the same clown who did The Humansexipede (First Sequence : A Porn Parody). Apparently Myers is making a career of doing all porn parody's. Maybe one day he will get one right.

I really wouldn't recommend this movie to anybody unless they have some sort of burn victim fetish and if that is the case I think you would be better off watching The Burning. However the dvd does have a really funny extra called Freddy's Sex Tips. Check that out for some awesome sex advice from a old burnt up pervert.

Monday, February 6, 2012

The Big Boss (1971)

The Big Boss also known as Fists Of Fury, not to mistaken for Fist Of Fury which is The Chinese Connection is the most infamous of all Bruce Lee Kung Fu flicks. It is also the movie that made Lee a recognized international super-star. The infamy behind The Big Boss was mainly due to the over the top violent content which is seemingly impossible to find in its pure uncut form.

The Big Boss in its full entirety runs at 115 minutes and comes complete with scenes of nudity from sexy Asian babes, nasty-stabby knife-fu, fingers jammed into stomach wounds and a glorious gory scene that shows Bruce Lee sawing into an enemies head with a... well a saw. Personally owning a 102 minute version which is obviously better then the 98 min. cut, I am still yet to see a lot of the bloodletting that The Big Boss offers. Apparently the notorious head-splitting scene is still lost to date and us gore-hounds can only hope that some day this thing is released in it fully uncut, gory form.

The Big Boss is based on the true story of a man who stood up to a bunch of bully-boy fascists and became a legend. Who better to play the role then Bruce Lee? Lee's portrayal shows a man who promised his father to lead a nonviolent life but when he leaves for the country and takes on a new job at a ice factory he has to fight for his honor and freedom against a bunch of drug lords.

The weird thing is that Bruce Lee doesn't fight till the later part of the film. He keeps true to his word and his promise to his father and remains passive until all of his cousins are brutally killed by their boss with the exception of his female cousin who Bruce has a crush on. Guess in Asia incest isn't frowned upon... Now its time for Bruce Lee to kick the shit out of the bad guys and show the world what he is made of.

The truth is that The Big Boss is nowhere near Lee's later stuff like Enter The Dragon as far as the fight scenes go but the violence far surpasses the others and is of Streetfighter status or at least close to it.

Check out The Big Boss for the sleaziest of all Bruce Lee flicks. Bask in the glory of tits & blood, bad dubbing and some bad-ass kung-fucking-fu.

Buffalo '66 (1998)

Romantic/comedy has never been one of my favorite genres but this Drama falls pretty well into that category. However it is one of the weirdest, darkest and awkward love stories to ever be released. Some of the other love stories that I can watch without vomiting on myself consist of Nekromantik, True Romance and anything with Brigitte Bardot in it (for obvious reasons).

Written, directed and staring Vincent Gallo, Buffalo '66 is emotionally awkward and is full of ups and downs. Gallo plays a social outcast named Billy Brown who is released from prison and lives only to kill the man he blames for his miserable life. Upon his release he meets and kidnaps a young and very attractive Christina Ricci. Ricci's character may not be quite as disturbed as that of Gallo's but there is an immediate connection between these two lost souls. Neither of them seem to have a place in society and perhaps it was fate that brought these two tragic people together. As the runtime rolls on it becomes obvious that Ricci's character is falling in love with a man who seems to be heartless. We slowly get more and more back story on Billy Brown and it is impossible to not laugh at the absurdity of his tragic and shitty life. "My life is shit"

Buffalo '66 is one of those movies that gets stuck up in your brain for a while after you watch it. I have never met anybody who didn't like it and most who have seen it just love to mimic Vincent Gallo and quote the crazy rantings of Billy Brown. "Shifter-cars", steak knives and photo booths somehow become hilarious conversation starters after watching Buffalo '66 for the first time.

This movie has a (well deserved) huge cult following. The artsy and the fartsy alike all have a place in their hearts for it. In one of the films weirdest moments Christina Ricci tap-dances at a bowling alley in a scene that is oddly reminiscent of Eraserhead and the "In Heaven Everything Is Fine" scene. Despite my David Lynch comparison the two films couldn't be further apart. In other words Buffalo '66 makes sense.

Buffalo '66 is the perfect date movie for any couple that feels out of touch with the rest of the world or just for anybody who wants to laugh at two misfits.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

True Grit (1969)

I broke a general rule in December when I watched the Coen Brothers remake of True Grit (2010) before seeing the original John Wayne classic. Finally a remake that holds up to the original.

The two films are very close. The Coen Brothers obviously chose to stick very true to the original Grit but just strengthen certain elements and add well... more Grit.''

I think I might even like the remake a touch more then the original 1969 film. Mainly due to how {PG} the John Wayne film comes off. Sure there is a bit of nastiness to it. Dennis Hopper's fingers are cut off in the most memorable scene. We also have stabbings and shootings but the Coen Brothers made the John Wayne character of Cogburn much more bad-ass. Wayne's portrayal of the one-eyed bounty hunter is a drunken, overweight rough-neck with a comedic side. While the Coen Brothers eliminated some of that goofiness and cut back on a bit of the sappy shit.

Seeing Dennis Hopper was a treat in its self. This was filmed the same year as Easy Rider and stuff like The Last Movie and American Dreamer were right around the corner. Robert Duvall also shows up as a bad guy named Ned Pepper. Duvall and Hopper were really the high points for me.

Another big difference between the two films is the ending. In the original after the young girl is bit by the rattle snake she is reunited with Cogburn and we leave with a happy ending. In the Coen Brothers version which apparently follows the novel a bit closer the girl loses her arm and never gets to thank Cogburn for saving her life. Leave it to the Coen Brothers to leave us with a downer ending.

Probably the best John Wayne film I have ever seen. Mainly due to the fact that he isn't playing the same exact character that he always plays. The two films are to close to really choose from but I think the Coen Brothers remake has a touch more replay value but "That's a bold statement for a one-eyed fat man".