Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Black Sheep (2006)

Take Hitchcock's The Birds and mix it with Peter Jackson's Dead Alive and what you get is one hell of a campy nature gone wrong flick. I first saw Black Sheep in a theater on a double bill with Jaws which I conveniently missed... Yeah I know... What kinda horror-lovin, weirdo doesn't like Jaws? Black Sheep on the other hand I loved.

I felt it was a perfect mix of horror and comedy which film makers just really can't get right these days. Remember the good old days when you would watch a horror movie with lots of comedic elements in it and you didn't get angry or embraced by watching it? Movies like Return Of The Living Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2, American Werewolf In London and Dead Alive? Well writer director Johnathan King must have done his homework and his own share of watching these types of films because he hit the nail right on the head. The audience laughed the whole way through and us gore hounds got our rocks off at the same time with tons of blood and crazy practical effects. In fact there is hardly any CGI in the movie at all and that is a huge plus for a fan of classic cinema like myself. I personally only noticed two scenes with computer graphics and all the other effects were great.

I love most nature gone wrong, animal mayhem films but sheep really have to be one of the most harmless looking animals in the world aside from (Killer) Shrews but these woolly buggers pack a nasty bite and we are treated to intestine-spilling, chopped off arms (complete with spewing blood and a blueberry pie looking substance gushing), Leg dismemberment, a mutant sheep fetus with a taste for human flesh, ears are ripped off, a penis is ripped off, gut munching, teeth are ripped out. We also get to see burning sheep, exploding sheep, and there is even were-sheep... Yep you have heard of werewolves but now you get to see were-sheep and in one of the best scenes we get a homage to American Werewolf In London and a great were-sheep transformation. However my personal favorite aspect of this movie is the constant hippie jokes. I have never been a big fan of hippies. I find them to be annoying with all of their useless views on animal rights and saving trees and meditation and Karma and all the things in life that I couldn't give a shit about. Well in Black Sheep it's two hippie activist's who are to blame for the whole murderous sheep epidemic and the writer takes jabs at these people constantly. So if you are a hippie hating prick like myself this one might especially appeal to you.

What ever you do, don't try to take this movie seriously. Get a bunch of friends together, get rip-roaring drunk and sit back and enjoy the blood soaked, sheep massacre, laugh-riot that it is.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Slaughter's Big Rip-Off (1973)

Slaughter's Big Rip-Off is the follow up to Jim Brown's Slaughter (1972). This time around Gordon Douglas (Who most would remember for his giant killer ant movie Them) directs big Jim Brown through what ends up being a much better film then the original.

The film opens up with Slaughter having a nice picnic with his girl and a few friends when suddenly a plane flies over there heads and opens fire on their cute little picnic. Slaughter's friend catches a bullet and looses his life. Of course this means only one thing... Revenge! And revenge Slaughter gets, against the mobsters, the cops, and the pimps... All while he sticks it to the white man by stickin-it to white women, Even though were missing Stella Stevens this time.

Jim Browns character is much more likable all around this time. He has better lines, "Hey baby its me Slaughter. The baddest cat that ever walked the earth". Better brawls, "How would you like to be pickin your teeth outta your lips?". Better action sequences including a scene where he takes a typical 70's style plunge off of a cliff in a car and actually survives it. Oh yeah and his love-making has improved as well. In fact when he needs some secret information from a foxy white woman he bribes her with his body "Just come to daddy and we will see what we can do".

Even the violence is stepped up quite a bit with a few nice head shots, complete with exploding squibs. We also get a strangulation by floaty in a swimming pool followed by a drowning, a Scarface style mutilated body hanging in a shower stall, and a great scene where Slaughter takes on three racist hicks at an airport. One of which played by the one and only Hoke Howell who I remember best for his amazing role in Sidehackers as the dumb redneck who tells really bad jokes and cackles like a maniac, has his head being pushed towards a spinning propeller on a airplane as Slaughter threatens to "Cut his fucking head off".  Scatman Crothers also shows up in this one but the real entertainment comes from Joey The Pimp. He has the amazing 70's pimp-gear and amazing jive jargon that spills from his mouth-piece.

This one shouldn't let down the Blaxploitation fans. Its pretty damn fun and it blows the original out of the watter.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Ninja Death 2 (1987)

Oh god, the Ninja Death trilogy is insane! Technically it isn't a trilogy, in fact it was just one long absurd movie but as far as I know it was never released in its entirety in America and for once I think I am grateful because if Volume 1-3 were all together fully intact the film would be about five hours long and that is enough to drive anyone nutty. Even the most jaded of cult fanatics like yours truly.
Ninja Death (Volume 1) is really the best of the lot and it follows a young snot-nosed Kung Fu-ster named Tiger who hangs around in brothels and kicks the ass of pimps, drunks and of course any Ninja who tries to step to him but its been a long while since I watched the first segment of Ninja Death and right now we are talking about Ninja Death 2.

Volume 2 opens up showing a oily chested Tiger in front of a red drop, practicing his Kung Fu. Next a sexy lookin babe drops in and throws some Ninja stars and then we see a dude with a silver Satan mask. Pretty cool huh?

Now Ninja Death attempts to follow somewhat of a story and we find out that young Tiger had some important parents and his blood is tainted and he must take revenge on some black pajama wearin Ninja folk who wronged his ancestors or something like that. Oh we also find out that Tiger has a ancient form of Ninja-Fu in his background called Plum-Fu or some shit. Well to make a long story short Tiger meets up with his blind uncle who bears the Plum symbol on his body and he taught Tiger how to kick ass Plum style... and he does. He also takes a young girls virginity, oils his chest a few more times and fights some really weird dude in a yellow jumpsuit with crazy eyebrows and a Charlie Manson type beard. Then the cat with the Satan mask comes back and decapitates a rapist Ninja and rips the guts out of another. The Satan mask dude performs a massacre on a whole slew of Ninja folk and we also get some weird exploding weapons in a fight scene and then the guy in the yellow jump suit blows on a flute and makes the devil mask guy disappear.

Yeah I know it doesn't make any sense and I don't care because that's the whole beauty of these crazy martial arts movies and as I said the first instalment is the best and its not because the plot is clearer (even though I believe it is) but its because there is so much sex and violence in that part. I recommend watching them in the proper order but not in one sitting. That would just be crazy! I feel crazy right now and I only watched volume 2. Oh but I did learn some things. I learned that Chinese men don't like to bath with women. I also learned that oil on the chest will improve your martial arts. Oh yeah and one more thing... If you rape a young virgin its okay, just as long as you marry her afterwards.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Sylvia (1977)

Sylvia also known as A Saint, A Woman, A Devil is another strange one from the 70's. Sylvia is played by Joanna Bell and she has never done anything before or since. She portrays Sylvia as a odd-ball, anti-social, religious fanatic with multiple nymphomaniac personalities. At first glance Joanna Bells acting seems to be incredibly awkward with weird facial expressions that don't seem to match the scene or surrounding actions or moods.

For example if Sylvia is checking out a mans package she tightens her lips and her eyes twitch with a crooked grin. I'm not sure if the facial expressions were part of Peter Savage's direction but it certainly makes Sylvia even weirder.

Then we have some typically 70's tasteless material such as a incestuous scene between mother and daughter involving some dildo's. We also get a big orgy with interracial action, lesbian action and some disturbing nipple tassel shaking.

Then there is a nasty rape scene which shows the great Turk Turpin who I remember best for his role in Defiance Of Good as the big black male nurse who wanted to be the first to rape Jean Jennings. Well this time around he does plenty of rapping, slapping, beating and whipping on a virginal type character who doesn't do any hardcore in this one. Even the rape scene surprisingly enough didn't show any penetration. I suppose they knew the scene was strong enough to sand on its own without the XXX stuff.

Next Sylvia takes another surprising turn when Sonny Landham from Predator shows up as a helpless junkie, shaking and twitching and rolling about in violent spasms as he screams out for a fix. We do get to see Sonny put his junkie cock to use in one of the better sex scenes in the film but his best moment involves a violent robbery scene in a doctors office. There is guns, switchblades, broken bottles and blood and Sonny Landham's acting proves he belonged doing bigger things then hardcore porno flicks.

Sylvia is a little bit all over the place with a very shaky plot and at one point it almost takes a Exorcist ripoff turn and my personal favorite scene shows Sylvia attack a priest with a giant crucifix. She goes on long anti religious rantings and forces the priest or as she calls him "Slave boy" to take off his clothes and she proceeds to rape the man of god all the while ranting about how she is the devil and she commands his will.

The version of the film I saw was extremely cut. Apparently the original uncut version goes at 90 minutes and the VCX print that I picked up is cut down to 73. Its almost hard to believe considering the version I saw had some rough material in it. Makes me wonder what I'm missing. I suppose the problems with the plot is probably due to the rapist in the cutting room, chopping the hell out of this movie. Still Sylvia is a good blasphemous time with hardcore sex, rape, incest and some very strange actors.

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Tenant (1976)

Roman Polanski writes, directs and stars is this unsettling tale of a man who rents a room with a violent history. The last tenant committed suicide by jumping out of her bedroom window and he seems destined for the same fate.

Polanski really struck a nerve with me on this one and two scenes in particular I found to be very disturbing. One being a scene in a hospital. Polanski goes to see the former tenant who jumped from the window and when he gets to her bed at the hospital she is just coming out of a coma. She is completely wrapped with gauze bandage to the point where she looks like Boris Karloff as The Mummy and blood is leaking through the bandages from her head. Only her eye and mouth is left unbandaged and she is clearly in a great deal of pain. She opens up her mouth and we see she is missing teeth and she lets out a blood curdling scream before she dies. This scene was so affective that I actually cringed a bit. The next ultra-disturbing scene shows a man attempt suicide in the same manner. He comes crashing down and is mangled pretty badly from the fall but doesn't quite die. He spews blood all over the place in paranoid, delusion and crawls back to the top of the building to take another leap towards death.

Aside from the disturbing scenes. The Tenant has elements of comedy, suspense and has a very surreal artistic side with awesome camera angles and the perfect use of lenses and lighting to set mood and uneasiness. Many people put The Tenant down and say it doesn't make sense and I admit it can get a bit confusing at times but anyone with half a brain and a general interest in films of the macabre should love this movie. Check it out for some cross dressing, knife wielding, paranoid, suicidal, child-slapping madness.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles : The Movie

Just when I thought I couldn't watch anything more brainless, I go and dig up Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles : The Movie. I first saw this movie in the theater with my mother when I was seven years old. Being a young kid growing up in the middle of the turtle craze, I wouldn't have missed it for the world but I guess I was a bit strange even back then because I remember sitting in the theater and fantasizing about being a member of the footclan. A gang of young punks who wreak havoc on New York City. Stealing anything in site from car stereos to wallets. Looking at the movie again as an adult I find this even more funny because the spiky haired band of misfit kids in the Footclan reminded me of my own teenage (mutant) years. Of course we weren't Ninja and we weren't criminals either but the whole punk rock, skateboarding, snotty kid's was my outlet in my adolescent years.
Best line of the movie "What are you some kind of a punker? God I hate punkers. Especially ones that paint themselves green".
As an adult I found this movie to be a lot of fun and it brought back a lot of memories and it was nice to see a kids movie shot on film and not filled with awful CGI. I'm just a bit upset that I am now to old to join the Footclan. Who wouldn't want to be in this gang?

Sling Blade (1996)

Take Forest Jump and pretend it doesn't completely suck. Then throw in a abusive drunk, a homosexual and some murder and what you have is Sling Blade. Usually I don't go for these sappy type of Hollywood flicks but there is something about this movie that just burns its self into the brain. You find yourself thinking about the character Karl played by Billy Bob Thorton and his voice seems to still rattler around in your head for a long while after a viewing. Then you find yourself quoting the retarded murderer. This can only mean one thing... Sling Blade has to be a good movie.

Billy Bob writes, directs and stars in this movie and he does a great job in every department. The funny thing is that Sling Blade has such a monotone vibe throughout and there really isn't much going on aside from a silly grinning retard with a very unique way of thinking, moving and speaking.

Karl has spent the majority of his life in a mental institution for murdering his mother and her lover. His time is up and Karl is released back into the cold world. He wants to stay in the loony bin where it is safe but is forced to leave. He befriends a young boy with some issues of his own. His real father blew his brains out and his mother's new boyfriend is a alcoholic psychopath with a very dangerous side. Karl takes justice into his own hands and kills the abusive boyfriend for the boy and his mothers safety and a chance for happiness.

A friend of mine once referred to Billy Bob's character as a man who kills for justice. I think he was as far off as you could possibly be. All that Sling Blade was trying to portray is a man who once killed out of hate and for self gratification but learns how to sacrifice in the end by killing out of love.
"And Charlie says that in love there is no wrong".

Monday, April 11, 2011

Night Of The Living Dead (1968)

Here it is... The movie to blame for my life long obsession with horror films. I first saw Night Of The Living Dead as a young child with my father which is strange because my father isn't much of a horror fan. Still I'm not sure if it was a odd moment of bonding or what but at five years old I remember just loving every minute of the ride. I remember not being to scared which is also odd for a young kid seeing his first flesh eating zombie flick but instead I remember thinking, Wow this is awesome!

Well twenty some odd years later I still think its awesome and I feel lucky that my first zombie experience was with the king of all zombie movies. Still to this day it is by far my favorite zombie flick of all time and even one of my favorite horror movies of all time. Personally I am not the biggest fan of zombie films and I feel that the genre is entirely to big. Any schlep with a camera and a group of nerdy friends feel they have the right to stagger down the zombie path and cop out from making an original film that might require some talent or skill. Don't get me wrong I like my share of Zombie films especially the Italian ones like Zombi, Dr. Butcher M.D. and Burial Ground but the facts are the facts and there are way more bad zombie films then good ones.

Night Of The Living Dead is number one and always will be. We get gut wrenching zombies, rotten corpses, gratuitous bitch slapping, crowbars to the head, bug eating, mommy stabbing, daddy eating, teenagers crash and burn leaving a tasty BBQ treat for the flesh-eaters, and the hero is black. Night Of The Living Dead was ahead of its time and horror movies today still have a hard time living up to it.

Rope (1948)

Alfred Hitchcock takes on the film that was based on a real life murder with style and talent. Rope was shot in 10 takes and the cuts are hidden as the camera passes by dark objects in the room and yes the movie pretty much all takes place in one room. Rope is a full length feature but it is supposed to take place in real time hence the lack of cutting.

With a very limited cast and a film that takes place almost entirely in one room Hitchcock manages to complete a true masterpiece.

Two rich yuppies murder their friend and classmate by strangulation with a old rope. They then stick the body in a chest and throw a yuppi-fied party with the friends and family of the deceased. The two boys waste no time sharing their views on murder which are almost plagiarized from the superior mind of their teacher (James Stewart). "After all, murder is - or should be - an art. Not one of the 'seven lively', perhaps, but an art nevertheless. And, as such, the privilege of committing it should be reserved for those few who are really superior individuals." The three go on long philosophical rants about murder and those who have the natural born "right" to take "inferior" lives but the two murderers start to loose their cool as the minutes run past.

Rope is one of Hitchcocks best and interesting. It certainly is unique. The combination of  the plot and originality make Rope a must see for everyone and anyone. That is with the exception of the "inferiors" who shall be properly disposed of.

North By Northwest (1959)

Hitchcock's North By Northwest stars Cary Grant a man who is through running for his life. There is a price on his head from some rough characters who think he is a secret FBI agent. He teams up with a pretty blond and together they fight against the dangerous men who want him dead. Things get really crazy when Grant learns that his pretty blond girlfriend isn't who she says she is.

Is she with the enemy? Is she with the FBI? Or is she just a loose broad who has a bad choice in men? North By Northwest is full of twists and turns and keeps the audience tense and guessing through the majority of the film. The perfectly framed images helps add tension and anxiety to the film and the story by Ernest Leham (West Side Story) is relentless.

The most memorable scene shows Grant running from a plane in the desert while the pilot opens fire on him with a machine gun. We also get the lovey-dovey stuff which keeps the action from being repetitive. We get fist fights, stabbings, gun-violence, and a awesome final sequence on Mount Rushmore which leads to a few characters falling to their death from Washington's big head and my personal favorite scene shows Cary Grant being force fed a bottle of Bourbon. Next he is driving drunk on the run from his killers as he swerves around sharp turns at the edge of a cliff.

We also have some humor thrown in for some extra fun and we really get to see some of Hitchcock's warped humor in random oddball scenes that I'm sure were not in the original story. There is also some strong sexual reference thrown in which is a little risky for a film in 1959. One scene shows Grant strip off his suit and he says to the girl "What can a man do with no clothes on in twenty minutes".

Personally I like many of Hitchcock's titles more then this one. Films like Psycho, Rope, Vertigo, Frenzy and The Birds but North By Northwest is still another example of the mans genius. Its the perfect movie to watch with a date. Not the best of picks to entertain friends with but if the crowd is right North By Northwest will set the proper mood.

Night Of The Giving Head (2008)

Night Of The Giving Head is a all around retarded spoof on the the classic 1968 George A. Romero flesh eating zombie flick. This one opens up with a guy and girl in in a cemetery having a argument. No their names are not Barbara and Johnny. However the argument comes to a end when a topless, staggering ghoul approaches them. The nudie ghoul groans "More cock! More cum!" over and over again and its not long before she is sucking the pants off of the (should be) Johnny character.

Apparently men's seamen is tainted and the "Sperm-a-raise" with in the man goop is turning nubile women into cock & cum hungry nympho sluts. Once a man ejaculates, he dies but the zombie sluts stagger on, looking for more fresh meat.

Night Of The Giving Head is so stupid that its even hard for a brain-dead horror/trash junkie like myself to like it. Sure it offers up a couple of sexy sluts and a nice sex scene here and there (my favorite consists of a lesbian, zombie, strap-on scene) but it really is more of a novelty title. After all the only reason I picked it up was due to the title. I don't care about the toolbox film makers involved, that's for sure.

If this one doesn't sound dumb enough already just try to make it to the films final when the bimbo hero's learn that whipped cream is the solution to the cock and cum sucking zombie epidemic. We have the privilege of watch countless zombie bitches suck down whipped cream. Dumb! Night Of The Giving Head also offers up some decaying flesh, a cheesy goth girl, a giant zombie orgy, nut busting action and some fat zombie bitches who clearly do not belong in this movie. Only watch this one if there is nothing left in the classic section at your local porn store.

Deep Throat (1972)

Deep Throat, the king of porn never gets old. Especially when you throw some friends and beer into the mix. Linda Lovelace plays... well Linda. A girl with no clitoris. Well at least not where it belongs. Nope, Linda's clit is in the back of her throat and for this reason she has never had an orgasm. This is until she goes to Dr. Young played by the pornograpghic comedian Harry Reems. Harry teaches Linda the art of Deep Throat and with the help of the brilliant theme song, Linda is a pro. before long.

Once Linda learns the secrets of Deep Throat and reaches her long awaited climax, she goes to work for Dr. Young as a scantily clad nurse who is of course more of a call girl. She See's a man in some shiny panties who puts tubes in her vagina and drinks cahampagne from her gaping hole. She also sucks and fucks Dr. Young raw. "No! No! I can never marry you Linda. How much of this Deep Throat do you think I can take?" With Dr. Young's refusal of marriage Linda searches for the perfect husband and he has to be at least eight inches long. Well she eventually does find mister right. He just so happens to be a rapist named Wilber Wang and he has all the right parts to hit Linda's "Tinglier".

Deep Throat is a true classic from Gerard Damiano, the same genius who directed The Devil In Miss Jones. Devil and Throat may be the two movies that Damiano will forever be remembered by and its pretty amazing how completely far from each other (aside from the sex) the two films really are. Where The Devil In Miss Jones is a total downer of a movie, opening with a suicide and ending in a eternity of hell, Deep Throat is pure fun from beginning to end. From the off the wall soundtrack to the awful acting. Deep Throat never loses its touch.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Dutiful But Dumb (1941)

Moe, Larry & Curly play three photographers Click, Clack & Cluck and Whack Magazine sends the three morons on a new assignment in Vulgaria. The only problem is taking pictures in Vulgaria is punished by death. When the Three Stooges end up on the firing line they escape their execution and head for the local bar.

In one of the funniest bits Curly or Cluck gets pretty drunk and has a battle with his oyster soup, all the while wearing a silly hat and an even more silly grin. The bowl of oyster soup seems to be winning the fight until Curly/Cluck goes completely ape and shoots the place up.
We also get a scene where Cluck wears a big crash symbol on his head and plays some very interesting music, while using the walls as a drum stick.

Check it out for some mind numbing, brain smashing good times with Curly. He clearly owns this short.

Mom And Dad (1945)

Exploiteer Kroger Babb dreamed this one up and created the ultimate in sex hygiene sexploits. Mom And Dad was his baby and he promoted it like a circus attraction. His crew would travel from town to town and plaster the movie posters on anything they could find.

The posters themselves were guaranteed to attract any youngster who walked passed, with separate screenings for boys and girls. Some posters insisted that parents take their children to see the film but of course most parents were shocked and appalled that such pictures were coming to their neighborhood. The church tried to ban the film from playing and all across the country god fearing assholes protested its very existence. Naturally this only adds to the hype and controversy around a film and in the world of exploitation, what more could a film maker ask for? In many towns, once the movie screened it would be interrupted at a certain point and sex hygiene books would be passed out to the audience... That is for a price of course.

Word gets around in a small town and Mom And Dad especially appealed to the youth with the rumors of full frontal male and female nudity. I suppose in 1947 this kind of thing was on every teenagers mind but very few have seen the opposite sex in the nude. Well Mom And Dad offered this... At a price that is. If the kids wanted to play they had to pay in more then one way. First they were forced to sit through the sappy story of June, a teenage girl who got in a bit of "trouble" you see naive June fell for a older boy with some smooth-talkin and nice eyes. Well its not long before June is in the back seat of lover-boys car and she finds herself knocked up... Or in "trouble". Throughout the whole film, the word pregnant is not used once. It is substituted with the word trouble and it really makes no sense because in the later portion of the film we do get the full male/female nudity but we also get a explicit child birth with gore pouring all over the place. We also get a very disturbing cesarean section, surgery scene and I have to admit I cringe every time I see it. Last but not least we have the venereal disease footage and this segment is pretty disturbing as well. We see cripples, holes in the roof of the mouth, holes in the eyes, rotten feet, visible bones protruding through flesh, V.D. infected genitals (male & female), and we even get silly 40's diagrams showing the spread of Syphilis.

Many consider Mom And Dad the most successful exploitation film of all time and it is a must see for anyone interested in the alternative to Hollywood films. Don't listen to those "self styled moralists" and church goers... and don't miss Mom And Dad when it comes to your town.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Blue Heat (1978)

This one takes the classic movie within a movie and puts a whole new pornographic twist on it, when a porno production team is tracked down by the mafia. The first half of the film doesn't work very well at all because we see various stages of film making and the problems that amaturs come across in the process. We see editing, camera angles and lots of discussion on audio complications. Its a bit hard not to laugh when the actors are stumbling on lines and background noises interfere with dialogue. Especially in one scene in a editing room where the editor is upset and requests the film be dubbed over due to squeaky couch noises. If only a squeaky couch was the issue at hand on this one.

I found the second half of the film more interesting when I realized that Blue Heat was basically a message dealing with the struggle of film makers in the adult industry in the 70's. Its no secret that the mob had their hands in the pockets of the so called artists and by the end of Blue Heat, the film almost comes off as a cry for help. There is no escape from the dangerous mobsters in the film and I suppose this is how some of the casts and crews felt back in those days.

Aside from the protest type plot, Blue Heat tries to be funny and there is lots of homage payed to the industry its self. Dorothy Lemay shows up as Annette Slavin (kinda funny) and she gives a pretty decent blowjob scene. This is followed by a strange rape scene involving a massive dildo at the hands of a violent, money hungry mobster. Blue Heat also steals the musical score from Hitchcocks Psycho during a rough-her-up scene and one can't help but laugh. We also have a very odd scene (and I still can't really tell if it was supposed to be funny or not). It shows a couple in bed discussing their fear of the mafia. Then the girl pulls the sheets up and we see a stuffed animal head peaking out from the sheets. The couple start screaming as if it was a decapitated pet of theirs. I really hope this scene was supposed to be funny because its just reidiculous.

Not the best of 70's porns but definitely not the worst either. Worth a look for all the nostalgia nerds out there who are interested in the dark side of 70's adult cinema.

Bizarre Moods (1982)

The description on the back of the DVD that I picked up reads "Vanessa licks her boyfriends ass and fucks it with a dildo while she sucks his dick in one of her wettest and sleaziest films!". After reading this I figured that Bizarre Moods was going to be a short stag film without a plot. Well it turns out to be a 54 min. feature and although there is barely a story, the film does try to tell a tale about magic rings. Not cock-rings... regular rings. Gloria Leonard gets a piece of paper in the mail that says "soak me" and Gloria immediately places the paper under a running faucet and the paper magically turns into rings. Once she puts the rings on her fingers she becomes a total nympho-matic, slut in heat. First she sits on the toilet and fills her holes with a double sided dildo and talks dirty to herself. Then she convinces her roommates to try the rings out with this brilliant statement "this will get you really hot". Gloria and her roommates have a interracial threesome and as the audience we have no choice but to believe these rings really work because we just watched the two roommates have some crazy cream-pie anal sex and now they are ready to go again.

Vanessa Del Rio does show up in this movie and its not long before she is wearing the rings and acting out the filthy description on the back of the DVD but my personal favorite scene in the movie shows a married couple in a hotel room in New York. The man rips off his girls clothes and starts smacking her around. The dialogue is amazing in this scene. "I didn't come to New York to fuck around. I want some of this Deep Throat we been hearing about. Suck my dick bitch". Then he rams his member down her throat and starts whipping her with his belt. The actress jumps up, lets out a scream while holding her face and says "You hit me in the eye" Then the film cuts to a close up of her bloody eye. The fucking guy actually did get her in the eye and the film maker had enough class to exploit it and keep rolling. I wish I could give the director credit but nobody seems to know where this one came from. With no director credited I'd like to think of it as a movie from mars. To make this thing even one step weirder, Bizarre Moods sports Pink Floyd on the soundtracks and although I have never been much of a fan of these guys, I can appreciate their music a whole lot more when its playing over a nasty ass-fuck scene.

The truth is Bizarre Moods isn't a very good movie but the mix of Vanessa's ass-play, eyeball beatings and Pink Floyd keep it weird and entertaining enough for at least one viewing.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Bizarre Styles (1981)

Here's another filthy one from the director who gave us Punk Rock and Teenage Twins. Although this one really lacks in the story department, with a almost nonexistent plot about a group of girls who run a fashion show. Bizarre Styles makes up for it with sheer filth and cinematic smut.

We get three disgusting scenes which leaves Bizarre Styles on the mind after viewing. One shows Annie Sprinkle in a threesome and a fist way up in her messy box. Then we have a S&M bitch pissing in the mouth of some leather-clad "little worm". She tells him hes a dirty boy and he needs a shower and then the golden starts to spill. Next she steps on his penis with some high heels and whips his ass as he performs some oral sex on her pissy hole. Next we have a rather harsh bondage scene that shows a British blond bimbo strung up on the rack. She's wearing nipple clamps and is being whipped. She screams and cries through the whole scene and it eventually leads up to some ass-ramming, anal action.

Other then these three important ultra trashy scenes we get a hot tub sex scene with Vanessa Del Rio and some hairy dude. We also get a lesbian threesome with Rio, Sprinkle and some other junkie looking chick. I also learned that girls like men with hairy chests and long nipples from an intelligent conversation between Rio and Sprinkle. Oh and did you know that girls where lipstick on their nipples? Well its a fact. I seen it in Bizarre Styles. They also wear it on their clit. It comes in different flavors but Annie Sprinkles prefers "Cunt Sucking Cranberry". She has room for fists, lipsticks, dicks, tongues and more.