Thursday, April 30, 2015

Centerfold Fever (1981)

This early 80's XXX porno flick has some pretty funny moments. Directed by Richard Mailer (Rape Victims) and starring lots of heavy hitters in the smut industry. Robert Kerman a.k.a. R. Bolla (Cannibal Holocaust, Debbie Does Dallas, Come With Me My Love) plays Mr. Scuzzi, a editor for an adult magazine. His name suits him just right because Kerman's character all though hilarious is out right sleazy. Mr. Scuzzi puts out a add for a new intern with the intentions of manipulating the new gal into posing nude. His real goal is to find the perfect centerfold.

A young Ron Jeremy (All The Way In, Citizen Toxie) plays "The Maniac", the magazines photographer. They call him The Maniac because sometimes while on a shoot he goes ape-shit crazy in a sexual frenzy, rips off all of his clothes and joins in on the action. What a maniac! Ron The Maniac Jeremy offers up many of the films laughs. In one scene he shakes his hips and turns his massive rod into a spinning helicopter while juggling apples. He also does the old Inside Seka gag and sucks his own pecker! However my favorite Ronny moment is his scene with Annie Sprinkle (Bizarre Styles). The dialogue is just way too funny in this scene. Annie is great as always and plays a nympho swinging wife who acts out a triple suck-job and then preforms her booby ballet? The booby ballet scene is terrific and must be seen first hand. Oh Annie, I love you!

Some of Centerfold Fever's  other highlights consist of Marc Steven's who plays himself as Mr. Ten And A Half. Marc Steven's has a maid named heather who comes to his command. In his best moment Marc flips his lid when he is asked if he is really ten and a half inches. He demands his penis is measured immediately "measure it from the asshole". When it turns out to be under ten inches he demands a blowjob so it can grow to its full potential. During this oral scene he calls to his maid "Heather! Assume the normal position" heather promptly gets on her burned up knees and tosses Mr. Ten And A Half's salad. After Marc Steven's busts his nut he has this to say "Heather! Please clean up this spill". There is also a giant movie theater orgy. The perverts in a sleazy movie house all get it on while watching cheesy porno trailers. One of the trailers is called Deep Sheep, a fictitious bestiality flick in which we get to "See Annie Sprinkle milk the cow". Next up we have a demented little S&M scene in which a leather clad bimbo ties her labia in a knot.

While there might not be the worlds best plot in this one, there is enough silly shenanigans going on to keep this one fresh and fun through the running time.


Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Rawhide Terror (1934)

Written and produced by Victor Adamson, the father of the great schlock-meister Al Adamson (Satan's Sadists, Girls For Rent). I think it is safe to say like father, like son. This has to be one of the most cheesy, wackiest, weirdest westerns I have ever seen.

  A bunch of dirt-bags pose as wild Indians and terrorize a family of four who are having a nice picnic. They rob the father of his gold and then brutally murder him execution style. The mother is next to go. For some reason they let the two children survive. One of them runs off into the woods while insanely laughing to himself and the youngest boy of the two is left behind with his dead parents. Now we jump forward in time a good 12 years or so and the criminals are being killed one by one. The man doing the killings is a masked phantom type known only as the Rawhide killer. The whole community is hot on the trail of the masked villain but he always seems to be one step ahead and gets away every time.

 The Rawhide Terror is packed to the gills with flaws. The acting is ridiculous, the action is not very eventful and the audio has certainly seen better days, there are still some things that make this one worth a watch. First off the Rawhide Killer is outright absurd. With his giant over-bite and silly attire, you can't really help but like this guy. Then there is the fact that we are indeed watching a western but the killer chooses to strangle his victims rather then shoot them. Aside from that there isn't a whole lot more going on in this one but what can you expect from what was supposed to be an old time serial. What we are actually seeing today is a pieced together hour or so long feature version of the serial.

Probably only worth a watch for lovers of truly bad cinema and of course Al Adamson fanatics but then again I would assume they would be one in the same.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Schoolgirls In Chains (1973)

What do you get when you mix Mothers Day with Barn Of The Naked Dead? You get School Girls In Chains of course. This one went under quite a few different titles, It was originally going to be called The Black Widow which is a relatively boring title. It was also known as Abducted, Abduction, Come Play With Us and Lets Play Dead. It is most widely known under its most exploitative title School Girls In Chains and now for some reason the Code Red DVD release of it is just entitled Girls In Chains. What ever you want to call this one it doesn't change the fact that this one is Sick! Sick! Sick!

   I absolutely love this movie. It follows two brothers, Frank and John. Frank is a hulking lunatic played by Gary Kent who has tons of exploitation credits to his name (Satans Sadists, Black Klansman, Thrill Killers) and John is a depraved, greasy retard with the intellect of an eight year old. The two brothers have some serious mommy issues and obey her every order. Luckily for these two sicko's mommy lets them keep girls locked up in the basement. The girls in the basement serve as Johnny's personal toys. He takes them out and plays with them when he is bored. The games they play have to be seen to be believed. It seems that John's favorite game is doctor. "Lets play doctor" now I always knew that playing doctor was naughty but when Johnny plays this game it is out right disturbing. First he makes the girls take their clothes off. Then he jabs their breasts with a wire hanger that he pretends is a stethoscope. Then he makes them swallow pills and stabs them in the ass with a home made syringe. "Let me check your bottom".

Aside from Johnny's sick and twisted version of playing doctor we are also treated to one of the weirdest scenes ever in exploitation horror. It is the leap frog scene. Yes you heard that right, fucking leap frog. In one of the movies greatest moments we see Johnny the retard playing leap frog with a frightened young girl. The girl is pretty much naked on all fours, scared out of her wits while Johnny jumps around like a idiot and hops over her again and again. Who thinks this stuff up? Leap frog?

While Johnny spends most of the movie tormenting his play things, we see a whole lot less of Frank but when Frank does come into the picture he is more ruthless and horrible then his numb-skull brother. In one scene Frank very awkwardly rapes one of his brothers female toys. After the rape Frank proceeds to tell his victim that he had a girlfriend once but she left him when she found out that he wets the bed occasionally and has been having sex with his mommy since he was 15 years old. This is all told through a flashback which is also pretty disturbing. We watch Frank grope his mothers boobs as his soon to be wife watches in horror.

There are a few other twists and turns in this one but we all know we didn't come into this one for a brilliant story. We really came here to see retards have their way with chained up women and thats what we get. The movie does have some problems with the audio. At certain times the sound gets very low, making it hard to hear the dialogue. There is also a very strange choice of music in this one which I have to admit I'm very partial to. The film does offer up some surprisingly nice cinematography and we can thank director Don Jones for much of that. Don Jones also did the camera work on House Of Seven Corpses and would go on to direct the 80's Slasher The Forest.

So check this one out for some fun with a maniacal rape happy family, retards and of course LEAP FROG!!!

The House With Laughing Windows (1976)

The Hose With Laughing Windows isn't your typical Giallo. It focuses more on atmosphere and mood then it does on gore and carnage. The creepy tone is more reminiscent of a gothic, haunted house movie or something that Mario Bava would have done then it is to later movies in the genre. Tho I didn't catch any windows "laughing" the doors and windows do seem to open and close on their own accord, which adds a sort of supernatural element to the movie. None of this is ever explained, which I find to be slightly annoying. I'm just gonna assume that the buildings in this movie were built on unlevel grounds and that is why these windows seem to have free will.

Stefano is hired by a midget to restore a painting in a church. It just so happens that the painting holds very dark secrets and has a sinister background. It turns out that the artist was a psychopath named Legnani.
As the secrets unfold, we learn that Legnani was most interested in the dying. The only problem is that he wasn't waiting for his subjects to die of natural causes. Legnani had two sisters, who perhaps were more mentally unhinged then he was. They would abduct unwilling subjects, torture and kill them so Legnani could paint them. Pretty interesting plot going on in this one. The only problem is that there is way to much of the talky stuff and very little murder and mayhem. As I said this one relies much more on its atmosphere and story line.

 By the time Stefano learns of the two sisters it is to late. Everyone around disappears or ends up dead. Its not long before Stefano is running for his life. The House With Laughing Windows does have a twist ending that I highly doubt anyone would see coming. It comes completely out of nowhere in true Giallo fashion with little or no hints. Although I really did like this movie I would say it doesn't have the highest replay value. If only they added in one or two more deaths in the earlier part of the film, it would help this thing move along at a better pace. However die-hard Giallo collectors will undoubtedly like this movie.

***Spoiler alert***
It really is the ending that makes this whole thing worth while. It turns out that the local priest is actually a woman. While it may be the norm for a Italian Giallo to use the priest as a psychotic killer I have never seen the priest expose a melon heavy tit to the audience and start speaking in a woman's voice. Awesome!! Aside from the transsexual priest, House With Laughing Windows offers up three pretty violent stabbing scenes and all of them are shown in close up with all the gory detail. In another scene a man is thrown from a window and left with an achy-breaky skull on the pavement, We also get a relatively nasty rape scene where a cackling, church going psycho has his way with a unwilling victim who is wearing some of the largest underwear in cinematic history. I mean it! Her panties make those 60's Nudie Cuties underpants look like dental floss g-strings. Aside from that we get one or two off screen murders for the sake of plot but when it is all said and done the the violence in the movie is kept to a minimum.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Harry Novak's Box Office Bonanza Of Sexploitation Trailers & Featurettes # 2 (1992)

Among the things in life I love most is sleazy trailers from the exploitation days. I also have a life long obsession with Something Weird Video. Luckily for me the two go hand in hand. Nobody does a better job of jam packing their DVD's with crazy trailer's then Something Weird. They also have released tons of trashy trailer compilations which is just perfect for a weirdo like me. Among the best of Something Weird's trailer comps is of course The Extra Weird Sampler which can often be found in the used bin at the local video store and then some of the rarer tapes like Monsterama Sci-Fi Late Night Creature Feature Show Vol. 1.

While Harry Novak's Box Office Bonanza Of Sexploitation Trailers & Featurettes # 2 might not be the best of trailer comilations or even the best of Something Weird Video's compilations it still does have some gems. Here is a list of the trailers that this one has to offer.

Please Don't Eat My Mother
Sweet Georgia
Midnight Plowboy
Tobacco Roody
Country Hooker
Southern Comforts
Country Cuzzins
The Pig Keepers Daughter
Sassy Sue
The Dirty Mind Of Young Sally
Teenage Bride
Massage Parlor Wife
Bellow The Belt
Wild Free & Hungry
Erikas Hot Summer
When Men Carried Clubs And Women Played Ding Dong
The Concubines
The Toy Box
Wilbur And The Baby Factory
The Booby Trap

This one also comes complete with a stag film called The Peepers which isn't all that good. So all in all we get a total of 21 trailers and one stag film. Many times these trailer compilations will group together trailers by genre. They attempted to do so with this one but it didn't work out so well in the end. The main thing that hurts this one is the big section of hillbilly sexploitation trailers. The next one plays exactly like the last and after a while it gets a little tired. However there are still some great ones. After all The Booby Trap is one of my all time favorite trailers. The Toy Box is also really cool. One of the weirdest on this tape is When Men Carried Clubs And Women Played Ding Dong. I never even heard of that one until now and let me tell ya, it looks pretty crazy. This one is only recomended for die-hard trailer fanatics but I'm sure you would have already guessed that.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Dont Go To Sleep (1982)

I know its hard to believe but in the 70's and 80's every once and a while there would be a made for television horror flick that is actually kind of cool. The two that usually come to mind for me is Bad Ronald and The Crawlspace, not to be mistaken for the movie with Klaus Kinski of the same title.
This one most certainly scared quite a few families in the early 80's. The thing that is so surprising about Don't Go To Sleep is how well done it all is. The story is good and creepy, the camera work never seems cheesy like in so many other made for TV movies and probably most importantly the acting is really good. This especially goes for Robin Ignico who was only 12 years old when she stared in this movie as Mary a psychotic little girl who hangs out with ghosts and kills just about everyone in her family one by one. Its hard to give this a sub genre classification because it has so many different elements to it. It's kind of a hanuntings and ghosts movie but its also a killer child movie but then at the same time it deals with a lot of drama. In fact Don't Go To Sleep is very sad at times. We watch an extremely dysfunctional family deal with problem after problem. Of course everything gets worse when they start to be killed one by one but none the less the movie is a roller coaster of emotions. If I had to describe Don't Go To Sleep with one word I would probably just call it DEPRESSING. However it still manages to deliver the creepy stuff.

 So if you're into depressing movies or psychotic murdering children you could do worse then this. I'm personally really bored with the modern approach of creepy little girl ghost movies so this one was a breath of fresh air. It kind of plays like a less sleazy version of Cathy's Curse with some elements of Carrie thrown in. It also comes complete with a twist ending which I won't be giving away. However some of the highlights include crash and burn cars with children in it. A child falling to his death, a nice comfy bath scene with a zappy radio, a murderous lizard named Ed and one of the weirdest choices of weapons to ever hit the television screen. A pizza cutter? If I had some little brats of my own I would surely sit down and enjoy this one with the family.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Pigs (1972)

Here's another strange one from the demented 70's. Originally titled Daddys Deadly Darling, which is a very suiting title considering the director Marc Lawrence used his own daughter for the psychotic killer and lead actress. Toni Lawrence plays Lynn Hart, a girl with a whole lot of problems.
Pigs opens up with a bang. Its a incestuous rape scene between father and daughter. After daddy forces himself on his daughter his little girl gets her revenge by stabbing him to death. Little Lynn Hart stabs daddy over and over again with a big kitchen knife. The beautiful thing is that this all happens within the first few seconds of the movie. Now they certainly have my attention. Now we jump forward in time and Lynn Hart is in a mental institution where she is receiving psychiatric help. It seems that Lynn's daddy issues have only gotten worse with time. She spends most of her time talking to her dead, rapist father on the telephone and refuses to admit that he is dead.
Lynn manages to escape from the loony bin and winds up at a remote roadside cafe and hotel run by a old nut-bag named Zambrini. The character of Zambrini is really what makes Pigs worth watching. This guy is as socially awkward as they come. He rants on and on in a very insane manner. I can only really relate it to the madness of characters in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) or something like that. Lets just say this guy is out there. Aside from his awkwardness around people Zambrini has some very strange hobbies. It just so happens that behind the cafe Zambrini has a pig pen full of hogs, hence the title of the movie. The only problem is that Zambrini is feeding these Pigs human flesh. Bodies dissapear from the local morgue and apparently all of the women who have worked at Zambrini's cafe have also gone up missing. The odd thing is that everyone in town, including the authorities seem to know about this but there is always "a lack of proof" that Zambrini is involved, so basically the police ignore the problem and refuse to search the property. Instead dip-shit head police officer just asks Zambrini every few days if he is doing anything wrong and when Zambrini says No! the police just take his word for it and move on.
As the film goes on Lynn and Zambrini develop a strange father and daughter relationship but its not long before Lynn is knocking off the local men. Apparently there aren't to many good looking gals in this town and all the men want a grab at Lynn's massive mellons. "Im attracted to you. We don't see to many attractive women in these parts". The only problem is that when a man gets on top of Lynn, she goes ape-shit and has daddy flashbacks of rape. Naturally she slashes the horny men up with her trusty straight razor in true Giallo fashion. Zambrini covers up his new daughters crimes and feeds the corpses to his Pigs. Over all Pigs is a pretty good watch. It does have some problems with the editing and some times its a bit to dark to see whats going on but as whole its a pretty enjoyable piece of trash from the sick and twisted 70's. This one has some really crazy characters, flesh eating Pigs, stabbings, slashings, and of course a really stupid police force. My kind of movie.