Killer Barbys Vs. Dracula (2002)

This very late Jess Franco follow up to his 1996 punk rock horror flick Killer Barbys is amongst the worst in the infamous directors filmography. While Killer Barbys was by no means a masterpiece, it was entertaining enough to hold the viewers attention. I can't really say the same for the sequel.

This one yet again showcases the Spanish pop punk band The Killer Barbies and this time around they accidentally awake Count Dracula. Dracula is a bald-headed creep who runs around biting women. He seems to have a infatuation with the hot blond singer for The Killer Barbies Silvia Superstar and I don't quite blame him. She is a total babe. Anyway, like the first film it all seems like a giant promotion for the band. We get a whole bunch of songs from the band and after a while it all just seems like one big music video.

 Franco's wife Lina Romay (Female Vampire) also shows up as a sort of fascist Nazi type who is traveling around with the coffin of Count Dracula. She is very old in this movie but as always its great to see her. However I guess we are lucky that she is not getting naked in her old age. Franco sparred us on that level but perhaps the weirdest and most out of place element to this movie is that there is no nudity. No nudity in a Jesus Franco film is like no guns in a Sam Peckinpah movie. Its absurd and unheard of. Why Franco couldn't convince Silvia Superstar to do a spread eagle close up zoom shot is beyond me. Perhaps his sexual perversion is dying in his old age. Nah that's impossible. The fact that there is no bare breasted women and close ups on vaginas is all pretty offensive considering there isn't really a plot to be found in this awful waste of time. Aside from the worlds weakest story the score is horrendous. When ever we see Dracula we have this annoying water going down the drain noise. It is quite irritating. There is no gore, no sex and even The Killer Barbies songs aren't as cool as the first film. Skip this shit all together. Not even recommended for Franco fanatics. Just stay away!

Zombie Lake (1981)

Its funny how our taste in cinema changes over the years. It can almost be related to lowering ones standards sexually as you grow older. Zombie Lake is a perfect example of a change in taste for me. I first discovered this particular piece of Eurotrash in my mid teens. I remember watching it with a few friends and being bored stiff. I just despised it in every way. Of course I have seen it many times since due to the fact that Zombie Lake does have a rather large cult following and it isn't an overly rare title. I have to admit that the movie has grown on me pretty well and now has its own little spot in my depraved heart.

Whenever Zombie Lake comes up, I can't help but be reminded of Jesus Franco's Oasis Of The Zombies which was probably the only zombie flick I hated more then Zombie Lake in those teenage years. In those days my only slightly damaged brain probably did not realize that directors Jean Rollin and Jesus Franco go hand in hand, kind of like pepsi and coke. Naturally I am not so far gone to the point where I like Oasis Of The Zombies but Zombie Lake on the other hand does hold a certain charm. This in its self is a strange statement for me to make because I actually do prefer the films of Franco over those of Rollin, Oasis Of The Zombies excluded of course. Well anyway, here it is... Zombie Lake.

As you might have guessed, Zombie Lake like any other movie directed by Jean Rollin and writen by Franco is chock full of nudity and sleaze. This one tells of a lake which is haunted by the "ghosts" of Nazi's that were killed and left to rot in the murky water. Naturally the Nazi's come back in zombie form to take revenge on the villagers who took their lives. For some reason the majority of the zombies victims seem to be naked women. Altho the nudity is beyond gratuitous, this is not grounds for complaint. If the sensless scenes of boobage and bushes were taken out I am pretty sure Zombie Lake would be close to unwatchable, in the ranks with the dreaded Oasis Of The Zombies!

Aside from the large amounts of naked flesh Zombie Lake offers up a fair amount of bloodletting and some of the most cheesy zombie makeup in cinematic history. In one of my favorite scene a zombie munches on a womans neck in the streets but the bright green makeup is rubbing off all over the girls face. Another incredibly ridiculous moment involves the worlds worst flame thrower. It seems like it might be a general rule of thumb to not use flame throwers in a low budget movie. When I think flame throwe, I think of a powerful force of fire being sprayed over vast distance... Well not in Zombie Lake. Instead we get something that can only be described as a flame-pisser. These things seem to lightly drip fire from the barrel and two words that are never meant to go together are "drip" and "fire", that is unless we are talking sexually transmitted diseases.                                                                                                                            

With that being said Zombie Lake turns out to be a fun little piece of Euro-sleaze. However the movie does have a few bad points. The main one being that it just runs so damn slow at times. The only thing slower then these water logged zombies is the actual movie itself. It has that oh so typical Jean Rollin dream like pace which is very likely to force the viewer to feel very sleepy. Then there is this ridiculous love story thrown into the mix which just helps to slow the movie down even more. However if you have a bag of speed next to you and you are able to make it through the slow parts you just might enjoy this trashy effort from the kings of European trash films.                                                                                              

Anyone who likes this movie should certainly check out Shock Waves which as far as I know is the first Nazi zombie flick to take place under water. Shock Waves is without a doubt the better of the two films but it doesn't offer up all the under water scenes of vaginas and we all know that can be a problem in its own.

The Bloody Judge (1970)

Jesus Franco digs back into British history and basis The Bloody Judge off of King James The II and his murderous followers in the Clergy. Christopher Lee, who most remember best for his Hammer Studio's work like Horror Of Dracula also has appeared in some nastier Foreign stuff like Mario Bava's The Whip And The Body. Lee plays The Bloody Judge in this trashy film and it is amongst the nastiest of Christopher Lee's body of work.

Christopher Lee himself claims he has never seen The Bloody Judge due to the fact that he is offended from what he has heard from critics upon the brutality and eroticism of the films nature. The truth is that The Bloody Judge is almost a bit tame as far as Franco goes. Sure there is torture, rape and full frontal nudity on display but the director has far surpassed The Bloody Judge in bad taste on previous films and features to come. For me The Bloody Judge plays like a less violent and over the top version of the cult classic Mark Of The Devil, which would be released in the same year. Which film came first I'm not exactly sure but it is safe to say that both of these burn-witch-burn movies cashed in on Vincent Price's Witchfinder General and took it in a more exploitative and ghastly direction.

And speaking of exploitation, The Bloody Judge went under the ridiculous title of Night Of The Blood Monster in America not to be mistaken for the awful Corman flick Night Of The Blood Beast. The American title is not only a misleading title but just a bad title in general. Jesus Franco and Christopher Lee alike were both disgusted by the American distribution and retitling of the movie and I can't say that I blame them much.

Even if I were lucky enough to catch this thing on 42nd street or in some shit-hole theater somewhere I would be expecting something more like a John Ashley movie like Brides Of Blood rather then a Franco telling of the Inquisition and witch burnings.

Well they don't call em exploitation movies for nothing and for those poor unfortunates who thought they were going to see an all out monster-fest... That's just another battle scar that comes with the territory for us life long devoted drive-in movie fans and cult film enthusiasts.

Another problem with The Bloody Judge is that it runs a bit to long. In its uncut form The Bloody Judge clocks in at 104 minutes and there just isn't enough bloodletting and nudity to fill that amount of space. Instead Franco stages a battle with real cannons, horses and old time wardrobe. In my opinion it all looked a bit amateurish and seemed more like a waste of time and money from a director that we are really just waiting for the next bare breasted whipping scene. None the less it is obvious that the director was given a decent amount of money to make the film and he really tried to take it in somewhat of a respectful direction. This of course being a bit annoying to us true demento's who are looking for the more familiar Franco form of art.

On a more positive note some of the more memorable moments are a Christopher Lee rape scene, hands are lobbed off with an axe in a scene that reminded me of Guru The Mad Monk which would also be released in 1970 and hold some what of a similar plot. Hot tar is poured on the back of a naked women in true Bloody Pit Of Horror fashion. Accused witches are of course burned alive, there are stabbings, hangings and a man has his body chopped up with an axe. Of course we get some naked females and as an added bonus we have a creepy executioner running around in a spandex outfit. As I mentioned before due to the run time these scenes are bit to spaced out and I feel it really harmed the film.

The Bloody Judge is still worth a watch for all Franco fans or for anyone who wants to see Christopher Lee act his hart out in a more trashy role but still I would recommend Mark Of The Devil for a better and more grotesque time with evil fascists and witches.

Ilsa The Wicked Warden (1977)

What happens when sleaze master Jesus Franco feels the influence of Ilsa : She Wolf Of The S.S.? He makes his own version of course. Originally titled Greta : Wicked Warden and then Wanda The Wicked Warden Dyanne Thorne plays... Well the Wicked Warden in another demented women in prison flick.

Since there is no real connection between the Ilsa movies aside from porno star Dyanne Thorne (Point Of Terror, Blood Sabbath) there is no need to set this movie in Nazi Germany. I guess its safe to say that the Ilsa series plays more like a Japanese Yakuza film series where connection is completely unnecessary.

Abbie although innocent fakes her nymphomania in order to be checked into the female prison run by Greta (Dyanne Thorne). Abbie's sister was checked into the prison over a year ago and was never released. Desperate to learn her sisters fate Abbie is subjected to torture and sexual abuse from Greta and the other female inmates.

Amongst the female prisoners is Lina Romay (Female Vampire) and she offers up some expected trashy moments. She has a S&M lesbian scene with Dyanne Thorne in which sewing needles are stuck into her bare breasts but perhaps the sickest moment in the film shows Romay on the toilet taking a steamy dump. She forces Abbie to lick her boots while she sits on the john. Next she has Abbie lick her ass clean. Yuck! This is of course followed by vomit. Then of course we get the shower scenes and the occasional naked cat fight but this one doesn't shy off on the whips and shock therapy. Women are treated pretty badly in this place and it is all being recorded live from the prison and sold to some sick fuck who pays handsomely for some nice snuff flicks. One girl has her eye ripped out and the others are covered in scars. I have to admit the makeup looks pretty good on some of these girls. One of the girls has a nasty scar running down her eye and it looks pretty damn real. Growing up in New York I am oh so familiar with the marks that are left on a face after it is slashed up and I can't help but wonder if this particular girl is in fact scared in real life. Ilsa : The Wicked Warden also offers up a very nasty rape orgy. When some male inmates from another prison are invited over to the women's prison for a bit of love making which will all be filmed for financial purposes, the dudes rip at the clothes of the women and their flesh as well. The clothes drop and the blood drips and Franco shows it all.

As with most of these women in prison flicks there is a bit of revolution and revenge at the end of the film but of course it doesn't equal the brutality that the victims of this prison had to endure. Ilsa, Greta, Wanda... What ever you want to call it, makes for high entertainment in true trashy Franco fashion. This one even offers up footage of tigers and lions ripping away at flesh during a human cannibal scene. Check it out for some disgusting fun with Dyanne Thorne and Lina Romay. Thanks Jess Franco, ya sick fucker!

Female Vampire (1973)

Jesus Franco was one of the busiest men in trash cinema. In 1973 alone he did 11 films. Female Vampire is probably the most popular of that 11.

With Franco films like Female Vampire you shouldn't expect much as far as dialogue and plot goes. Instead you will be treated to shit-loads of full frontal nudity. Sporadic monologue that sounds more like poetry, lots of close ups on nature and a surreal, dream like pace.

The film opens up with Lina Romay walking through the fog with nothing but her cape, belt and boots on. As she gets closer to us the camera focus's in on her finer points. Breasts, butts and bush there is plenty of. That's a promise. After all one of the many alternate titles for Female Vampire was The Bare Breasted Countess.

This Female Vampire "Sucks the life, blood and semen" from her victims. So we have plenty of scenes of oral shenanigans. She also indulges in lesbian acts as well and in one of the sleaziest scenes Lina Romay in munching away at a victims box. When Lina lifts her head from the dead girls genitals goo drips from our Female Vampire's mouth.

Then we have a bunch of scenes of Lina spreading her legs for the camera. Its nice to have an actress who isn't vagina-shy. We are treated to scenes of Lina humping the bed, hard wooden objects and even humping the bloody bath water. As I mentioned before there isn't much talking in this one. Our lead vampire is actually a mute. So she makes up for the lack of communications with straight up genital-fu.

The Female Vampire starts to shift gears with the introduction of Jack (Pieces, Succubus) Taylor's character. Jack Taylor falls in love with the thousand year old vampire and from here on it plays like an nihilistic love story.

Jack Taylor's character is suicidal and doesn't want to go on living. He begs Lina Romay to take him with her to the dark side "Beyond the mist". It all finishes with a sensitive yet downbeat climax.

Female Vampire is typical Jess Franco in the sense that there is nothing typical about it. Most would despise the film but fans of artsy-fartsy Euro-trash type stuff might just enjoy it.

99 Women (1969)

Jesus Franco delivers what looks like a A.I.P. women in prison flick way before Corman or Arkoff were dishing them out. We get a bunch of beauties behind bars who bare their breasts and beat the shit out of each other any chance they get.

Lucky for us the girls a allowed to wear their thigh high stockings in this women's hell hole. Herbert Lom who I remember best as the "impotent" judge and jury in Mark Of The Devil shows up as a sex maniac who likes to torture the nubile prisoners before groping them.

Typical of a Franco film the story is a bit on the weak side but the camera work is great and so are the locations. This thing goes under a million different titles but 99 Women is the most popular of the bunch and although there really isn't 99 of them Franco makes the best of what he has to work with and that of course is sex and violence. In the most memorable scene the girls attack a big python snake with a pocket knife and I say attack because they don't have the decency to kill it as if we were watching a Italian cannibal film. Instead they get staby-staby and cut huge chunks out of the snake and then send it slivering away all bloody and cut to bits. Damn Franco, you are one ruthless fucker.

Not my top pick for a women in prison flick or even a Franco W.I.P. flick for that matter but well worth the watch if not for anything else some nasty rape and snake violence. You might not want to watch it with your vegetarian girlfriend though because animals were definitely harmed during the making of 99 Women.

Succubus (1968)

Jesus Franco films have a tendency to be either long, drawn-out, nonsensical, boring, droolers or high entertainment in exploitation art. Sometimes that barrier is very thin in the world of Franco and the viewers mind frame at the time of screening can have much to do with the overall experience. Of course this would stand true with most movies but it seems a bit more so with a Franco film. In other words, you really have to be in the mood for a Franco movie to enjoy it. For instance, Vampyros Lesbos is considered by many to be one of Franco's best but nobody can deny the fact that it can also be a real sleeper if one is not prepared for this sort of thing.

In this sense Succubus is very much like Vampyros. It carries the same dream like vibe and every camera angle is unique with perfectly framed characters, props and local. The soundtrack on Succubus might not be rockin as is that of Vampyros but it definitely adds a level of surreal weirdness that is necessary for this sort of film.

Succubus is a true piece of art and its almost hard to believe that the same man who did movies like Barbed Wire Dolls and Sadomania is capable of creating such class amongst his trash (if that makes any sense).

There isn't much plot to follow on this one. Instead we follow a pretty red-head through strip clubs, art houses, night clubs, weird bondage role playing shows and of course her love life. She is a mystery to all and wanted by women and men alike. The only problem is most can only have her once... As we follow our Succubus through a distinguished Franco camera lens, the bodies of her lovers drop.

Aside from the dreamy. artsy-fartsy stuff Succubus offers up a hippie-delic acid scene (complete with creepy midgets, and a house party on their hands and knees pretending to be horny doggy's). We also get a fair amount of nudity (after all this is a Franco movie). Mr. J&B appears constantly, We get a strip-teasing, Lesbians, whippings, multiple stabbings, achy-breaky skulls (complete with angel statue to the face), Mannequins come to life in one of the creepiest moments in the film but the thing that I found most interesting was certain dialogue. Mainly in scenes where the characters discuss various artists and their first association with them.

Succubus is the perfect movie to watch alone. It's not the type of movie you can recommend to entertain a group of friends with. In that case you would need something like Devils Nightmare with Erika Blanc as a Succubus. Come to think of it the two films would make a pretty good double feature, Succubus would have to play first though. Otherwise there will be some soaring in the audience.

Diamonds Of Kilmandjaro (1983)

Another piece of crap from Jesus Franco. This Amazon Girls flick is one out of the thirteen or so films that Franco put out in 1983. I'm pretty sure I haven't seen any of his others that came out that year but its a little hard to keep track of a man who has directed about two hundred movies. I'm still trying to figure out if like more Franco films then I dislike. Right now my tally is looking pretty negative.

This one is pretty damn boring straight through. Its not a cannibal flick but it does take place in the amazon. I suppose it would fit into the slim Women In The Amazon genre. Its about a group of explorers who are searching for gems in the jungle. They stumble across a  bare breasted white girl amongst the black natives. The girl along with her father went down in a plane crash and the couple have been missing ever since, The nudie white girl is worshiped by the black natives and is believed to be their goddess.
My question is, if this girl has been missing for so long and running around with no clothes on... Why does she still have tan lines on her breasts? Anyway the nude girl is kind of like the female version of Tarzan. She is one with the animals and she swings from tree to tree with a hell of a battle cry.
The film also offers up a bit of decapitation and a really funny chase scene involving a hungry alligator and a naked bimbo. The alligator gets shot down is stock footage that matches up worse then a Ed Wood film. We get a total of three naked women and a monkey pops up from time to time and makes faces at the camera. The films final has a strange social message to it about the oppression of the black man and the evil whites.
I'm going to stop writing before I make this thing sound better then it is. If you want Women In The Amazon, check out Man From The Deep River. I would skip this one at all costs. It really has nothing going for it,

Vampyros Lesbos (1971)

Although sexually charged this early 70's lesbian vampire film comes off rather classy for Jess Franco. Its also in my opinion one of his most visually pleasing films. The color schemes and camera work is excellent and helps depict the sexy vampires as almost elegant. Franco chooses to shoot through glass in many scenes, either a window, glass door or mirror and on occasion has blood trickling down the glass to portray a dreamlike moment. The film never comes across as trashy, as many of his other films do like Barbed Wire Dolls or his Ilsa entry. I think I do prefer his trashier work but this one was still a nice watch for me.
Vampyros Lesbos lacks a bit in the story which is pretty normal for Franco. Its about a sexually frustrated women who isn't happy in her current relationship so she takes off to shack up with a sexy vamp who inherited her estate from Count Dracula.
I thought it was a bit silly that the film chose to bring up the king of all vampires but at the same time I never try to take a Franco film seriously. Another thing that I found odd about this one is that the vampires spend most of their time on the beach (naked of course) in the daylight. Franco references Dracula but denies the basic foundations.
There is no lack of nudity here. Between the lesbianism and the sunbathing we have plenty of flesh to look at. If you're looking for a typical low budget Euro-Trash flick you probably will want to skip this one but if you want an erotic art flick this one would probably do the trick.