Thursday, September 26, 2013

Zombie Lake (1981)

Its funny how our taste in cinema changes over the years. It can almost be related to lowering ones standards sexually as you grow older. Zombie Lake is a perfect example of a change in taste for me. I first discovered this particular piece of Eurotrash in my mid teens. I remember watching it with a few friends and being bored stiff. I just despised it in every way. Of course I have seen it many times since due to the fact that Zombie Lake does have a rather large cult following and it isn't an overly rare title. I have to admit that the movie has grown on me pretty well and now has its own little spot in my depraved heart.

Whenever Zombie Lake comes up, I can't help but be reminded of Jesus Franco's Oasis Of The Zombies which was probably the only zombie flick I hated more then Zombie Lake in those teenage years. In those days my only slightly damaged brain probably did not realize that directors Jean Rollin and Jesus Franco go hand in hand, kind of like pepsi and coke. Naturally I am not so far gone to the point where I like Oasis Of The Zombies but Zombie Lake on the other hand does hold a certain charm. This in its self is a strange statement for me to make because I actually do prefer the films of Franco over those of Rollin, Oasis Of The Zombies excluded of course. Well anyway, here it is... Zombie Lake.

As you might have guessed, Zombie Lake like any other movie directed by Jean Rollin and writen by Franco is chock full of nudity and sleaze. This one tells of a lake which is haunted by the "ghosts" of Nazi's that were killed and left to rot in the murky water. Naturally the Nazi's come back in zombie form to take revenge on the villagers who took their lives. For some reason the majority of the zombies victims seem to be naked women. Altho the nudity is beyond gratuitous, this is not grounds for complaint. If the sensless scenes of boobage and bushes were taken out I am pretty sure Zombie Lake would be close to unwatchable, in the ranks with the dreaded Oasis Of The Zombies!

Aside from the large amounts of naked flesh Zombie Lake offers up a fair amount of bloodletting and some of the most cheesy zombie makeup in cinematic history. In one of my favorite scene a zombie munches on a womans neck in the streets but the bright green makeup is rubbing off all over the girls face. Another incredibly ridiculous moment involves the worlds worst flame thrower. It seems like it might be a general rule of thumb to not use flame throwers in a low budget movie. When I think flame throwe, I think of a powerful force of fire being sprayed over vast distance... Well not in Zombie Lake. Instead we get something that can only be described as a flame-pisser. These things seem to lightly drip fire from the barrel and two words that are never meant to go together are "drip" and "fire", that is unless we are talking sexually transmitted diseases.                                                                                                                            

With that being said Zombie Lake turns out to be a fun little piece of Euro-sleaze. However the movie does have a few bad points. The main one being that it just runs so damn slow at times. The only thing slower then these water logged zombies is the actual movie itself. It has that oh so typical Jean Rollin dream like pace which is very likely to force the viewer to feel very sleepy. Then there is this ridiculous love story thrown into the mix which just helps to slow the movie down even more. However if you have a bag of speed next to you and you are able to make it through the slow parts you just might enjoy this trashy effort from the kings of European trash films.                                                                                              

Anyone who likes this movie should certainly check out Shock Waves which as far as I know is the first Nazi zombie flick to take place under water. Shock Waves is without a doubt the better of the two films but it doesn't offer up all the under water scenes of vaginas and we all know that can be a problem in its own.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Unknown (2007)


 Im not quite sure why I picked this one off the shelf in the video store. What I am sure of is that I regret it with all my heart. This Sweedish, independent, shit-fest is your typical shot on video waste of time. The usless director seems perfectly content with shooting the least possible interestng actions. Countless scenes of bad actors walking through the woods, opening doors, sitting, breathing etc. seems to eat up the majority of the running time which turns a 75 min. movie into a long, boring, slugish nightmare and I do not use the word nightmare in a good way. Aside from the seemingly endless footage of people wandering around in circles there is also another major horror movie No-No! The Unknown sports a cast of three. Anyone who has seen enough low budget horror films knows right off the bat that if there is only three characters, the film has no chance of redeeming its self with any sort of a bodycount. Still I put on my cinema combat boots and stuck this one out till the end which of course was a big mistake.

The Unknown tells of three boring bastards who stumble upon a car wreck in the middle of nowhere. Instead of minding their own buisness they get out to investigate, only to find that the car is empty. Naturally these ass-hats decide to take to the woods on foot, in search of whoever was behind the wheel. The get lost or something and shack up in, well... a shack and then the movie turns into a sort of demonic possession type movie. So this opens up the door for the film makers (if we can call them that) to have all sorts of ghostly and supernatural things to happen without explaination or reason. This is yet again one of the things that I absoloutly can not stand. However there is one half way creepy scene in an atic, where a ghosty figure kind of hobbles torwards out main character while bound up in chains and gore. We are also treated to a suicide scene complete with shitty CGI brain matter and a chubby axe weilding psycho who dismembers his friends girlfriend but lets not fool ouselves here, this movie was made by a bunch of hacks. The main character wears his hair in a ponytail and rocks a Nirvana T shirt which is of course about as cool as a CGI suicide scene. Fuck!

Anyone who grabs there artistic influence from anything in the 90's, Be it music or cinema, should probably just quit all together. Don't make the same mistake I did kids. Just leave this one on the shelf at the video store.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Slaughter (1972)

Jim Brown is Slaughter "The baddest cat that ever walked the earth". Slaughter is not only his name... Its his business. When Slaughter's daddy gets knocked off by some greasy Italian mobster types it is time to get revenge.

Slaughter intercepts a drug deal at the airport and kills the wrong man. The FBI bring him in but instead of arresting him they send him to South America where he will track down the man that killed his father and kill him but he also has to bring back information about "The IBM computer" wow pretty weird to hear this stuff in a 70's Blaxploitation movie huh? Anyway, Slaughter couldn't give a shit about that jive-ass computer shit. "When I find em, I'm gonna kill em... and anyone else that gets in my way".  Slaughter is another example of a blaxploitation bad-ass character who is too cool for life. He gets all the bitches. Even the white ones and of course kills any honky who has the balls to step up.

When I said that Slaughter gets all the white bitches did I mention that Stella Stevens (Poseidon Adventure) is his main girl. Slaughter came out the same year as Poseidon and Stella is looking pretty ripe in here and luckily for us dudes this mama doesn't mind showing off some naked flesh in this one. We are treated to bikini shots, a sex scene and a steamy shower scene. Thank you Stella. We are also treated some darker meat & gratuitous nudity from Marlene Clark who Slaughter strips naked and throws her out into a hallway. Aside from the females Cameron Mitchell plays a racist cop "Who do you think you are, nigger?" and one of my all time favorite actors, the great Don Gordon (The Mack, Out Of The Blue) shows up as Slaughters white cowardly partner. Don Gordon is great as usual. He can't get any of the bitches and is basically afraid of his own shadow yet somehow he never misses out on any of Slaughters action. Shoot-outs, car chases and brawls, Don Gordon is there. Rip Torn is our main villain here. He is a woman beating, friend killing, racist, mobster who wants Slaughters head.

Slaughter has a very cool and stylish look to it. They use a lot of wide angel lenses and fishbowl lenses. Stuff like that to heighten the action scenes. We have a awesome scene where Slaughter chases a plane down a runway and crashes his car into it. There is plenty of bloody shootings (complete with 70's blood and squirting squibs), naked female flesh, jive 70's jargon and memorable quotes "You know what they say about these dudes... They all got rhythm", knife fights, crash and burn car chases, an awesome soundtrack and a man who is burned alive inside his car.

They made a sequel to this called Slaughters Big Ripoff which I might like just a little bit more for its over the top shenanigans but both films are a great watch for lovers of blaxploitation action movies in the urban jungle.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Salo Or The 120 Days Of Sadom (1975)

In recent times it has become extremely trendy to talk about ultra disturbing cinema. Movies like Salo, A Serbian Film, Cannibal Holocaust and Martyrs are probably amongst the most trendy to talk about. However this new obsession amongst the Internet babies is not very surprising. For one this useless generation were never really given anything interesting to look at. Secondly they are about as disconnected from reality as possible. It is only natural that images of extreme violence and brutality can amuse them for a moment. Its just to bad that the majority doesn't have the slightest clue about cinematic artistic expression. There is more beyond the picture then shock value.

For me Salo stands strong as a message in rebellion. It is not a pretty picture and it was not intended to make you feel good about yourself or other humans, especially those in power. For me Salo installs hatred. Hate for the world leaders. Hate for the political power and shows mankind as the disgusting infection that it really is.

If you are older then 25 you are likely to see this film in a very different light then that of the Internet generation. Unless if you are some kind of sick fuck who enjoys watching children being brutalized Salo is likely to set you into a state of depression. Even a life long horror-hound like myself felt the power of this film and even looking back at it now I am equally affected by the harsh and cruel images that spew across the screen.

Inspired by the writings of De Sade and the fascistic political scum of Italy, director Pier Paolo Pasolini died for art shortly after creating Salo. The controversy that surrounds the picture is enough to keep Salo interesting for a life time and the final product is just as strong.

Four fascists abduct nine young boys and nine young girls with the intention of sodomizing them for 120 days in Salo Italy. The message is that the whole country is in danger from these deranged fascists and the innocent youth will become corrupted and feel the brunt of the force. For 145 minutes you will witness children being raped, tortured and eventually put out of their misery in different and horrible ways, all for the selfish satisfaction of the president, the duke, the magistrate and the bishop. As the viewer we feel each painful minute of the 120 days and it is almost as if we are put out of our misery with the children at the end of the film. However for me one of the most powerful images is at the very end after the big massacre. We witness two very young soldier boys dancing the waltz after they have just witnessed the demise of these innocent people of their own age. For me this is a statement that this isn't over yet and perhaps the audience was not put out of its misery. The infection has spread and will continue.

Salo is framed perfectly. The sets are beautiful and the camera work is very elegant which makes the violence even more painful to sit through. The film is broken down into different segments which are introduced by prostitutes through graphic story telling. The first segment is the Circle Of Manias which focuses mainly on sodomy and sexual perversion. The second segment is The Circle Of Shit which is extremely grotesque and focuses on deification. The final being The Circle Of Blood which is the most violent and of course brings the film to its tragic end.

Some of the depraved delights that Solo has to offer is man on man rape, man on woman rape, golden showers and urination fetish, lots of shit eating and a giant feces diner party. I dare you to watch the first female victim eat shit and not feel it in your own stomach. Eyeballs are cut out, genitals are burned, a girl is scalped, nipples are burnt off, tongues are cut out, children are shot down, children are hung, children have their throats slit, there are giant orgies with adults and children, boys and girls are walked around on leashes and forced to eat nails. Etc. Etc.

As you might have guessed, Salo could never have been made in Amercia. American censorship is far to strong for this kind of cinematic art. After all American politicians act out their own brand of fascism differently then that of other countries. An American film maker could never have the chance to die for his art.

This Italian masterpiece is a must see for anyone who is into shocking cinema, art films or even horror fanatics. Salo is not a horror film by nature but its horror far surpasses just about anything that has ever had a wide theatrical release in America. See it and learn to hate your fellow brother.

Come Dance With Me (1959)

Brigitte Bardot looks amazing in this one and Come Dance With Me is a nice change of pace from the average sexy comedy that we are used to seeing from the French sex symbol.

Bardot falls in love with an attractive dentist and marries against her fathers will. The good looking young couple find themselves in a fight and both go their own ways on the town. Briggite Bardot goes to a raunchy strip club and hubby goes to a night club where he meets Anita Flores played by the beautiful 50's pin-up Dawn Addams. The stunning red-head seduces the young groom in a very much appreciated scene of gratuitous nudity. It should be illegal to have two women as beautiful as Brigitte Bardot and Dawn Addams together in the same movie. Anyway, Anita's real lover is lurking in the shadows photographing everything and Bardot's husband is caught on camera with tit in mouth. When the red-headed beauty sets up a time and place for the blackmail money transaction hubby finds her dead and cold on the floor at her dance studio.

Things get worse and worse for the young doctor from here on. A witness has seen him in the room standing above Anita's dead body and in a panic the accused takes off running. Together Brigitte Bardot and her husband try to solve the mystery of Anita Flores murder.

Bardot takes on a job at the dance studio and searches for clues. We are treated to many nice short skirt dance scenes from our favorite sex-kitten and there is not one frame in the movie where she isn't an image of perfection but Come Dance With Me works well on its own as a mystery. Of course the hot women is an added bonus and I admit I probably would never have seen this movie if it weren't for miss Bardot but I am very glad I did.

 This one comes complete with some daring subject matter for a 50's movie which you would never see in an American film such as homosexuals, lesbians, transvestites and comes complete with male and female nudity, murder, bitch slapping and a dude with the biggest ears in cinematic history. If a guy with ears this big can still get girls like this it just goes to prove that there is still chance for me yet.

Come Dance With Me is a must for all Brigitte Bardot collectors. Its sexy, funny and works very well as a mystery and a love story at the same time. It can be a bit silly from time to time seeing Bardot act as a detective but its nice to watch her do anything.

Robot Love Slaves (1971)

Robot Love Slaves also known as Too Much Loving... Its not very good but it sure is fucking weird. With little to no production value this early 70's sleaze-fest is a total discombobulated mess. The lighting goes from blinding to very dark. The audio is bad but not terrible for a porno film from this time. The acting... Well that's just so bad that you have to love it and the scummy plot is really what makes this one worth a watch.

First off we have a geek for a mad scientist who looks like the average junkie on the street. This nerdy bastard is perhaps morbid but genius none the less. He has bringing dead hippies back to life in his basement and turning them into his personal sex toys. The robotic living dead obey all of the scientists orders and it will soon take us into darker territory.

Our mad scientists fat wife has been posing as an invalid wheelchair ridden waste but this is all part of a selfish plot to steal her husbands money and run off with her fraud doctor but hubby isn't as naive as wife thinks he is. The Robot Love Slaves will help our scientist get his revenge on his fat wife.

Robot Love Slaves offers up stolen copy written music from The Beatles, Louis Armstrong and a few others. Candy Samples shows up her in the movies hottest sex scene with another female bimbo and another dude. This is one of Candy's earliest features and she doesn't look half bad in this one. Aside from Candy most of the girls are pretty nasty and the fatty wife sex scenes are disturbing to say the least. Also it looks like there were two different cuts of this movie. One being hardcore and the other being a softy because the majority of the film doesn't show penetration but here and there something more naughty slips into frame.

See girls have vacuum cleaner hoses shoved into their mouths, see fat sluts masturbate in a bathtub full of rose pedals and watch Candy Samples bounce on a mans face. Another weird one from the sick and twisted 70's.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Reform School Girls (1986)

Not to be mistaken for the 50's movie of the same title Reform School Girls is a Women In Prison  movie done in Troma Studios fashion. This one is not actually from the Troma team but it seems like something they would have produced in the mid 80's.

Not that women in prison movies are known for their accuracy and realism but this one is pure camp. The girls walk around in lingerie and their hair & makeup is always perfect. That is of course with the exception of Plasmatics singer Wendy O. Williams. Wendy is a bad-ass bitch as one would expect. She plays Charlie, the women's prison baddie and leader. I don't think she wears pants at all in this movie. She spends the entire movie in bra & panties and comes complete with leather gloves and typical Wendy O. bracelets. In one of most raunchy moments we watch Wendy O. chew her food and spit it all over herself and the other girls as well. She also offers up a lot of the films violence and enjoys shooting guns at the guards and standing on top of a moving bus. Awesome!

Reform School Girls has all of the W.I.P. essentials. Shower scenes, food fights, lesbians, fire hose torture, wicked wardens, cat-fights and shit-loads of naked female flesh.

Aside from Wendy O. Williams, Sybil Danning (Chained Heat, The Howling II) shows up as one of the wicked wardens but unfortunately doesn't offer up any bare breasted action. This is sad but not the end of the world because as I said this one is loaded with naked bimbos. Some of the other high points include a fat slob lesbo guard who enjoys punishing the Reform School Girls, killing kittens, burning things and going shotgun-crazy on a killing spree. In the films most disturbing moment we catch a glimpse up her dress. Yuck!

Reform School Girls comes from director Tom DeSimone who was responsible for cult titles such as Hell Night, ChatterBox and the awesome Terror In The Jungle and Reform School Girls holds elements from all of those movies.

Reform School Girls is probably the most fun of all W.I.P. films. It is extremely fast paced. It never slows down or gets dull. Every couple of minutes there is another ridiculous spectacle going on.

This one is a prefect example of good campy fun from the 80's. It never crosses the line where it becomes embarrassing like many other genre films from this time. Its sleazy, funny, mean and sexy all at the same time.

Its a must see for W.I.P. fans or anyone who digs trashy cult films from the 80's. "You're just a shit stain on the panties of life"