Halloween : XXX Porn Parody (2011)

As if the Hollywood studios weren't bad enough with all of the classic horror movie remakes... The pron industry is no better. Smash Pictures drops to a new low by shitting out their own Halloween porn parody only months after Zero Tolerance released theirs.

I had a really hard time deciding which one of these horror-porn parodies was worse. Zero Tolerance's Official Halloween Parody was horrible but offered up some real good laughs by Dr. Loomis character played by James Bartholet (Saw : A Hardcore Parody) but Smash Pictures released a movie that is much more true to the classic 1978 John Carpenter's Halloween. All of the main focal points of the original movie are thrown into this one and are of course surrounded with hardcore sex scenes.

The girls are also better looking in this version but the acting is as bad as can be. The character of Dr. Loomis is fucking horrible and had me praying for the laughs from James Bartholet. Another thing that caught my eye was how bruised up all the girls were in the Smash Pictures version.

Laurie is the shy goodie-girl that we know and love in the original and all of her friends think she is a virgin but in reality she is quite the freak. She sits home and masturbated to masked madmen in shitty horror movies. Her fetish fails to be true when Michael Myers is chasing her around the house with a kitchen knife. Myers does get some pussy in this one and he does it in true Jewish fashion, Through a sheet of course. "Can I get your ghost Bob".

This horror-porno-parody offers up memorable quotes from the original, really obnoxious screaming, a throat slashing, stabbings, a sewing needle to the neck, coat hanger to the eye, shootings, strangulation, shitty camera work and black & blue'd porno-sluts. If I had to chose I would say this is the better of the two. Its still ridiculous, offensive and lacks in creativity but what do you expect from a mindless, money-hungry industry?

I would assume that Smash Pictures has broken down the boundaries of pride yet again that all forms of self respect has gone out the window and we can expect more then one remake of the same movie every year.

Only worth a watch if you can't find anything better to do with your time. Unless of course you have some kind of weird fetish for light skin girls with dark bruises.

The Tingler (1959)

My favorite of all William Castle flicks. Released the same year as House On Haunted Hill which also stared Vincent Price. The Tingler has even more wacky spectacle to offer.

Including a new gimmick. Certain chairs were rigged up to an electrical system that would shock members of the audience during key points of the film to induce a tension in the audience. The idea being to cause movie goers to jump and scream and if the movie it self can't do it, a good shock to the ass will. To think that in 1959 movie goers would spend their money to be electrocuted is interesting on its own. Today we would have wimpy, cry baby, yuppies trying to sue theater owners. William Castles form of exploitation brought an audience into something that fell somewhere in between a circus attraction and a play and his films serve as a reminder of what a theatrical experience could and should be like today.

Vincent Price plays a (You guessed it) mad scientist who discovers a living organism inside the human body that grows in size when fear is induced. He calls it The Tingler and this little thing looks like a smaller version of the monster in The Creeping Terror. However size isn't a factor here because The Tingler is quite deadly. It can shatter mans spinal collumn or choke him to death. Once Price removes The Tingler from its natural habitat, the human body, all hell breaks loose. The Tingler goes on a murderous rampage inside an old movie house. Hence the electro-chairs.

The Tingler also offers up a scene where Vincent Price takes L.S.D. Where else can we watch Price take an acid trip? Price doesn't necessarily take a trip to hell like Coffin Joe in Awakening Of The Beast but he does wrestle with a skeleton and tries his best to refrain from screaming as the walls close in on him.

"Its not a drug. Its an acid" Price uses his new tripy drug on a deaf/mute and we are treated to walking corpses, axe throwing gorillas and a colorized scene involving a corpse in a blood filled bathtub.

The Tingler is the perfect remedy for anyone who likes cheesy monster movies from the 50's. Its filled with visible wires and continuity but that just makes it all the more fun. Vincent Price does a excellent job in this one and with his acting the viewer can almost take this ridiculous scenario seriously.

I have not been lucky enough to catch this one in a theater yet but I await the day that I get my asshole shocked with an audience who can enjoy the finer things in life. Electric chairs and monster madness! The Tingler is a must see and must own for William Castle fans.

Which Way Is Up (1977)

For some reason people recognize this movie as a blaxploitation movie but I don't view this thing as a exploitation film at all. There isn't any exploitative material in here at all.

Richard Pryor plays three characters in this one. The first being a lying, cheating fuck-up named Leroy. The second being a foul mouthed bummy old man named Rufus and the third being a pervy priest who has more children then Jesus himself.

Pryor is funny as usual especialy while playing the old man. He over acts the character of Leroy a bit and at times and Leroy's character almost comes off like a typical scared black man is a racist 30's horror film.

In one of the best bits, Leroy tries to kill his wife after he finds out that she cheated on him with the priest and is pregnant with the preachers kid. The tables are turned when his wife learns that Leroy had been shacking up with another girl on the other side of town. They chase each other around the kitchen with kitchen knives and meat cleaver in what might be the funniest scene of domestic violence in cinematic history. In a much more awkward scene Pryor is chained to a bed, whipped against his will and has a vibrator shoved up his ass.

Which Way Is Up is a comedy but tries to hold somewhat of a social commentary which I didn't feel came off very clear or effectively. In the following year Pryor would go on to do a much more serious and political movie called Blue Collar. Blue Collar and Which Way Is  Up share a very similar subject matter but the two films couldn't be more different.

Check it out for some good old 70's, jive jargon and some general silliness.

Curse Of Bigfoot (1978)

What a mess of a movie. Curse Of Bigfoot is the product of a 60's throw away film called Teenagers Battle The Thing with added footage and added confusion. Some how this thing aired frequently on television in the 70's which is even more baffling then the movie it self.

Curse Of Bigfoot opens with a zombie looking monster stalking a women in the woods. As bad as it is, Curse Of Bigfoot gives off the impression that this might be a 70's sickie in the beginning. Well, sick it is but not in the bloody, nasty, disgusting kind of way. It's sick in the so bad it can't be ignored kind of way. Similar to the movies of Ed Wood (Plan 9 From Outer Space) and Al Adamson (Satans Sadists). The decaying faced zombie quickly goes away for good when a school teacher shuts the projector off and gives a speech about 50's and 60's monster movies to his students. "These movies may seem corny today" Then the teacher goes on to talk about Bigfoot or the Yeti or the Abominable Snowman.

Curse Of Bigfoot plays more like a National Geographic movie or an educational film then a horror movie which makes it all the more bizarre. Its good to know that teachers in the 70's dealt in fact with important subjects on Bigfoot and other monsters.

Next a weirdo scientist stands before the classroom and tells his bizarre, incoherent story of when he met Bigfoot in a giant flashback that will eat up the remainder of the runtime. This footage was taken from the earlier Teenagers Battle The Thing and guess what... The thing isn't even a Bigfoot. It's a giant fucking mummy from "hundreds of thousands years ago". It looks more like a monster out of a John Ashly movie like Beast Of Blood or something.

Through the rest of the movie the teenagers pretty much walk around aimlessly in the woods while a driving musical score blares as if something might actually happen. Curse Of Bigfoot comes to what would be recognized as a climax when the kids set the Bigfoot/Mummy on fire.

They really don't get much worse then this. Nothing interesting going on at all except when we see the monster and on top of all that it just doesn't make any fucking sense. Still Curse Of Bigfoot is as weird as they come and definitely deserves points for being a movie from mars. Its best viewed with multiple friends and alcohol but for a much sleazier Bigfoot experience check out the great Shriek Of The Mutilated. It even makes sense. Sort of...

Moon Of The Wolf (1972)

Whats up with these 70's made for television Werewolf/Mystery flicks? Well at least this one actually had a hairy wolfman and wasn't a complete copout like Scream Of The Wolf.

Okay monster doesn't show up till the last fifteen minutes or so but he does exist. The majority of the film follows a sheriff around the swamps and other hillbilly hangouts as he tries to solve the grizzly murder of a young girl. We get a few suspects, none of which seem all that guilty to the viewer. Eventually we get two more killings bringing the bodycount up to three. Three dead bodies is the maximum count until the Werewolf is killed in the end. Oh and speaking of killing a werewolf, Moon Of The Wolf reinvents the rules here a bit. Apparently there is only two ways to kill a wolf man. The first being to set the monster on fire, which we do get to see at one point and the second is to shoot it with "Blessed bullets" not to be mistaken for the oh so familiar silver bullets. My question is, what weirdo, drunken, redneck, priest is blessing bullets? Only in the south, man...

Well apparently it takes three blessed bullets to take out a werewolf cause that's what it takes our female lead in Moon Of The Wolf.

A fair warning. All of the killing happens off screen and we don't get much blood. We do get one dead cop and some really bad continuity in the end. Night for day, day for night... Who's keeping track? Also the werewolf's first appearance is a pretty fun moment. It involves the monster running around the hospital and scaring a bunch of nurses until he makes his exit through a window. For a made for t.v. movie Moon Of The Wolf could have been much worse but theres still nothing to appealing about this one except maybe a few cheap laughs and general monster-fu with some cheapo makeup effects.

Devils Possessed (1974)

Written by and staring Spanish, horror icon Paul Nashy and directed by León Klimovsky (Werewolf Vs. The Vampire Women, The Vampires Night Orgy). This Medieval period piece tells the tale of a power hungry madman (Nashy) who terrorizes the land from his castle. Nashy loses all morality or at least close to all of it while under the spell of his vindictive, evil queen. Together they kidnap young virgins and sacrifice them in witchcraft rituals. This is until a old friend of Nashy's comes back to town and starts a renegade army to bring the evil ruler down once and for all.

This one is a little bit to {PG} for me. If it weren't for select scenes of violence and torture Devil's Possessed could almost be a made for television movie.

The highlights of the film are dancing midgets, decapitation (complete with rolling head), a child is stabbed for no apparent reason, torture by branding, torture by stretching, a eyeball is poked out in a joust match and a man is filled with flying arrows. In one of my favorite moments we see a rotten corpse mounted like a scarecrow with a sign on him that says "He didn't pay his taxes".

Surprisingly we don't get any bare breasted women and nothing to overly gory. We get tons of sword-play and lots of cheesy characters. Devil's Possessed has limited replay value and is really only worth a watch for hardcore Paul Nashy enthusiasts. Not my top pick of Nashy flicks but none the less a decent time passer.

Scream Of The Wolf (1974)

There are a lot of bad Werewolf movies out there, The Werewolf Of Washington, My Mom's A Werewolf, The Howling Part 7 : New Moon Rising. There are so many bad ones that its hard to pick the worst. I'm not really sure if Scream Of The Wolf is any worse then the others mentioned above but none the less its pretty shitty.

This posterless, 70's made for television piece of crap is nothing more then a time waster and a bad choice at that. I suppose if I were flipping through the channels in 1974 and this one happened to be on, it might be slightly more interesting then whatever else might be on but that is still a stretch.

Scream Of The Wolf stars Leslie Nielsen look alike, Peter Graves. Which is actually kind of funny cause the two worked together in Airplane. Anyway, Peter Graves plays a author/hunter who is trying to track down the beast that has been killing the local town's folk and leaving very strange tracks. He calls upon his fellow hunting buddy Byron, who has some very weird, philosophical ideas on human life. When Byron refuses to help, Peter Graves and the locals start tooling with the idea that perhaps Byron is a Werewolf.

Due to the fact that this is a made for t.v. movie, we don't get to see any of the murders but the least they could have done is show the monster. Well sorry to break it to ya but they don't! Reason being... There is no monster. Byron is just a sick fucker living out his philosophy. He uses a pet wolf with a thirst for human blood and built some sort of a contraption that leaves abnormal footprints in order to create mass hysteria.

All in all we have a very predictable and weak plot but the end is slightly entertaining. It involves a showdown between Peter Graves and Byron. Oh and the wolf of course. Scream Of The Wolf is a ripoff as far as Werewolf flicks go and you wouldn't be missing much by skipping this one all together.

The Tell-Tale Heart (1960)

This take on Edgar Allan Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart stars Laurence Payne as (You guessed it) Edgar. Edgar likes to play Peeping-Tom from his bedroom window and watch the new girl in town strip down to her corset and thigh-high stockings. Naturally Edgar wants to meet his hot, strip-teasing neighbor in person. The couple go on a few dates but Edgar is left broken hearted (or is it just jealousy) when he learns that his best friend, Charles and the girl he loves are secretly having an affair. Naturally Edgar's first resort is murder. Edgar smashes in Charles achy-breaky skull with a fire poker and buries him under the floorboards in the house. Edgar's guilt sends him into a world of madness and trippy hallucinations. He is haunted by the sound of Charles pounding heart.

Laurence Payne (The Crawling Eye) does an excellent job of playing the role of Edgar. Perhaps slightly overacting at times but as a whole his portrayal of a man losing his sanity is amazing. I also couldn't believe how much Laurence Payne looks like Anthony (Psycho) Perkins in this movie. If it wasn't for opening credits I would have thought it to be Perkins through the whole movie.

In one of the best moments Edgar, haunted by the pounding heart, rips the floorboards up and removes the heart from his dead friend with a kitchen knife. Of course we don't see the knife plunging into the chest and all that gory good stuff but we do get to see a rotting Charles and the pumping heart in Edgar's hands. The Tell-Tale Heart also offers up a scene where a man is impaled on a spike.

The viewer might even find their own heart pounding erratically during some of the suspense building moments. I found the end to be a bit of a cop out but the rest of the film was good old fashioned fun. Fans of Poe should definitely check this one out. One of the better adaptions to hit the screen. Also Anthony Perkins fans really need to check this one out just for the sake that Payne looks identical to him in this one.

The Doom Generation (1995)

Doom Generation is cheesy, mall, goth-kid delight. Its got Nine Inch Nails on the soundtracks and glorifies the leather-clad, gloomy directionless youth the max. As much as I like to put this movie down I can't help but like many aspects of it at the same time.

Sexy Rose McGowan (Grindhouse : Planet Terror) plays Amy Blue, an alienated speed-freak. James Duval (May) plays Jordan White, a brain-dead teenager with a soft side. Amy and Jordan are complete outcasts and feel smothered by a world they don't fit into. Their life takes a drastic change when they meet Xavier Red, another young waste with a much more violent and sinister side. Together the three misfits take to the road and leave a trail of dead bodies as they try to escape their own private hell.

Personally I feel the movie is a bit self indulgent and tries to be a little deeper then it really is but at the same time its chock full of senseless sex and violence. Rose McGowan looks great and puts her sexy naked body on display. At the same time there is a lot of homosexual undertones running through this movie and undertones might be an understatement. We have some really trippy sets that come to life with the help from the lighting department. We have decapitations (complete with talking severed heads), castration by garden sheers, A arm is blown off with a shotgun, A man is stabbed in the penis. We also have a psychotic Nazi gang, Orgies and some truly funny moments.

If only the characters weren't three lame goth kids, Doom Generation would have probably had a bigger appeal to a larger audience but it is what it is. "What ever"

Castle Freak (1995)

Director Stuart Gordon takes gross to a new level with this one. Ten years after his cult classic Re-Animator, he unleashes this twisted tale of a deformed freak who breaks free of his chains and his cell in the cellar of a castle where he was whipped and tortured. Now its the freaks turn to dish out the pain and take his own form of vengeance.

Castle Freak isn't a monster movie but the freak is so grotesque that its hard to remember that he isn't a monster. His bones protrude through his skinny, decrepit body, his face is torn from excessive beatings. Even his penis has been cut off and the camera shows everything in great detail. The fact that the freak roams around naked through the majority of his screen time is disturbing enough. Throw in some swinging testicles and a severed, nub-penis and it makes for a real dry-heaver.

Stuart Gordon uses Re-Animator veterans for this one. Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton (Chopping Mall) play husband and wife in a very dysfunctional family. Combs is a drunk who killed their son and blinded their daughter in a drunk driving car accident. The family inherits the castle and will fight for their life with the freak as the obstacle.

In one of the most memorable scenes a prostitute has her breast bitten off and Stuart Gordon tries to out do his controversial oral sex scene from Re-Animator. Instead of a severed, talking head the audience is treated to the disturbing visual of freak munching away at the prostitutes vagina as she bleeds to death.

A cat is killed and eaten, A thumb is broken and bitten off, A woman is beaten to death with a chain, we get stabbings, strangulation and dead cops on display. Unfortunately Barbara Crampton doesn't show off any boobage and Castle Freak may be Crampton's most un-sexy role ever. She wears suit jackets through most of the film and she plays a total bitch.

Surprisingly Castle Freak is released through Full Moon which sucks 99 percent of the time. Castle Freak is by far the best movie in their catalog and can't be compared with the other crap released by the production team. Castle Freak also has a pretty big following and name for its self and I never understood how this movie got as big as it did. Its not just gore-hounds and horror fanatics who watch this one. I remember this movie being sort of trendy in high school which even further confuses me. Trendy or not Castle Freak deserves the attention that it has gotten over the years. Its a perfect blend of classic Gothic horror and sleazy, vile Euro-trash. So chain yourself in front of the screen and torture yourself with disgusting visuals from Castle Freak. Yuck!

Mutant (1984)

Talk about boring poster art... Chock full of plot holes and laughable action scenes, Mutant falls somewhere between a zombie flick and a epidemic movie, similar to today's 28 Days Later. Of course this low budget, campy, 80's flick doesn't play like the polished 28 Days Later, it plays more like The Children (1980) and I couldn't help but see similarities between the two films. Mainly due to the virus being passed through the zombies hands instead of saliva.

Two brothers from the big city decide to get away from the rat race and head down south for some rest and relaxation. Instead they are greeted by hostile rednecks in a pick up truck, who throw everything from beer bottles to truck tires from the bed of the pickup at the outsiders. The hillbilly's run the brothers off the road, sending their little sports car off a bridge and into a lake. The brothers eventually make their way to the local pub, where they have yet another altercation with the not so tolerant locals.

Bo Hopkins, who I remember best from The Wild Bunch as the crazy son of a bitch who shoots the hostages and says "Well kiss my sisters black cats ass", shows up as the drunken sheriff and breaks up the fight. He sets the boys up with a place to stay and tells them to leave town as soon as their car is fixed which never happens due to a viral epidemic caused by (Yes you guessed it) toxic waste.

The small town hicks are dropping like flies, only to get up and walk amongst the dead as pasty faced zombies with slits in the palm of their hands that leak a yellow substance that looks identical to the blood in the Phantasm movies. The simple makeup is effective and fun and we also get a bunch of 80's latex-bubble-skin special effects. Unfortunately Mutant doesn't offer any gory head explossions but we do have our fair share of dead children, which is always a plus. In one of the best scenes a hot school teacher is trapped in a elementary schools bathroom stall while undead, zombie children try their best to get at her.

Mutant doesn't offer any nudity or explicit gore but for a under the radar zombie flick it serves as a decent time passer. Dead children, angry rednecks, bad acting and zombies with deadly hands. Check it out for something different.

Hack Job (2011)

Long Island filmmaker James Balsamo writes, produces and directs his first full length feature. Mind you that Hack Job is as indie as independent gets Balsamo makes the best of his lack of money in true Troma fashion.

What we have is a anthology film filled with Nazi mummies, killer brains from outer space (Not to be mistaken for The Evil Brain From Outer Space) and an extremely disjointed tale (that from what I can gather) tells the story of a man on a mission to destroy religion. This is at least until he meets Jesus... and Jesus just so happens to be a Japanese man who dances in gardens (Don't ask).

If polished budget movies is your thing you would probably want to stay far, far away from this one but if you like goofy gore flicks similar to the modern works of Troma Studios you might want to pick this thing up. Hack Job offers up bare breasts from young, swanky bitches, head explosions, eye-popping mayhem and naked Nazi sluts. We even have a scene where a spinal cord is pulled from a mans eye socket. "Is that even possible". As far as the cast goes we have members of Gwar fighting off a mutant brain with crazy tentacles, Lynn Lowry from classics like I Drink Your Blood and They Came From Within. We also get Lloyd Kaufman himself (Toxic Avenger) who goes on a rant about shitty film making and bad choice in titles such as Hack Job. Kaufman offers one of the funniest bits in a scene where he plays a foul mouthed yamaka wearing Jew. Scream Queen Debbie Rochon (Santa Claws, Terror Firmer) also shows up for a rather pointless scene. We also get some other Long Island cinemaniacs like Keith Crocker (Bloody Ape, Blitzkrieg : Escape From Stalag 69), Robert Youngren and Michael Shershenovich (Bloody Christmas).

The first two stories move along at a somewhat coherent pace and are filled to the brim with cheesy effects and nudity but the final chapter in Hack Job is a bit of a mind-fuck which seems to jump around a lot. It almost seems as if the final segment was shot as filler to keep the runtime close to the 90 minute mark and the obvious change in camera shows that these scenes were most likely shot over a long period of time. Still if crazy low budget, schlocky cheese-fests are your thing, be sure to pick yourself up a copy which is available Here.

Rabid Dogs (1974)

Italian horror master Mario Bava (Twitch Of The Death Nerve, Baron Blood, Blood And Black Lace) takes on a crime flick and adds elements of Last House On The Left and Alfred Hitchcock's Rope.

Four criminals one of which being George (Anthropoghagus) Eastman take on a robbery at a local pharmacy. Things go violently wrong and one of the criminals is shot down. The three survivors kill a few Innocent civilians during their escape and take three hostages.

Rabid Dogs takes place almost entirely inside a car and its a game of cat and mouse between the hostages, the cops and the bad guys. The fact that Bava is able to make a highly interesting movie from the restrictions of a car puts the man (in my opinion) in the ranks of Hitchcock and reminds me a lot of Rope.

The hostages consist of one man, one woman and one sick child. The fact that a young kid is thrown into the violent mix makes Rabid Dogs that much more tense.

As the minutes run by the criminal become more vicious. We have a scene reminiscent of the "Piss your pants" scene from Last House On The Left and we have our fair share of brutality. One of the criminals uses a switchblade as a weapon of choice. He stabs a man to death, slashes another woman's throat and sticks the blade through another females neck. George Eastman gets a bit drunk from some excessive J&B guzzling and gets a bit rapey with his female hostage. This comes to a end when Eastman is shot in the head and left in a zombified state. "He's more dead then alive. Let him croak in peace". Eastman hangs on a lot longer then expected and just makes Rabid Dogs all the more intense. We get a nice amount of gun violence and a twist ending that I didn't see coming.

Rabid Dogs also known as Kidnapped was left unfinished when Mario Bava died and the slack was picked up by his son Lamberto Bava but for once in history the shorter version is better. The "full uncut" version is nothing more then a few added scenes from Lamberto but they only end up hurting the film in its finished product. To keep a nice runtime some of the scenes were cut down from the original Bava shoot. It just so happens they were excellent scenes of violence and style. Skip the Kidnapped version and stick with Rabid Dogs. You wont be disappointed. Fans of this movie should be sure to check out Hitch-Hike

Evil Brain From Outer Space (1965)

Apparently The Evil Brain From Outer Space is a reedited version of a Japanese television series staring the Japanese super  hero Super Giant or in the American version Starman.

Starman or Super Giant is played by Ken Utsui (A Super Giant veteran) and he is as ridiculous as they come. If you think the Mexican Lucha Libre movies are silly just wait till you get your hands on a copy of this movie from mars. Starman doesn't wear his cape on his back. Instead he has two miniature capes, one under each arm. He also has a stupid looking antenna on his forehead and his martial arts is atrocious. In other words The Evil Brain From Outer Space is fucking awesome! Well at least it can be if you have a sense of humor. This is pure Mystery Science Theater 3000 material and although I am not sure if MST3K has ever taken a stab at this one, it would be the perfect candidate.

Starman returns to planet earth to save mankind from a (Yes you guessed it) Evil Brain From Outer Space that controls weird looking monsters on a mission to kill all of the world leaders and destroy man once and for all. The unique monsters really add a whole other level to the madness that is The Evil Brain From Outer Space. One of them looks like a sort of rat in a spandex suit. He comes complete with long finger nails and giant teeth. According to the shitty voice over just one swipe from those claws can leave a man dead. Then we have this weird witchy monster with crazy eyebrows in a sort of Geisha girl dress. There is also a whole army of spandex wearing villains who give something very similar to the Nazi salute. Starman drops these clowns like flies but he has a much harder time with the rat-monster.

The Evil Brain From Outer Space also offers up a bit of blood in a heist scene in which a Innocent woman is stabbed in the neck. The bad guys also chase down two little kids with some child murder in mind but the children get away with the help of starman. We get a bunch of secret doors and a scientist who walks around with a parrot on his shoulder.

This one will either put you to sleep or it will have you laughing your ass off. I am personally happy to have my first instalment in the Super Giant genre added to my collection. If you can bear through Asian man-package poking through dumb spandex costumes and badly dubbed over voices I would check this one out some time.