Don't Go In The Woods Alone (1981)

Ever watch a movie and shout at the screen a bunch of questions? That's what happens when you watch Don't Go In The Woods. This early 80's slasher is a prime example of inept film making. There is no real plot and things happen with no explanation. In the earlier part of the film people are being mangled and mutilated but we don't see who is doing it. There is a good amount of gore and splatter but it all happens so fast with cut-shots and bad editing. You kinda just stare at the screen and say "what the hell just happened?".
Eventually we get to see the killer and for some reason he looks like a caveman. He has no back story and none of his actions are ever explained. He carries around a big club that jingles but somehow this never gives away his where-abouts in sneaky stalk and slash scenes. The killer also has a large array of machete's, spears and plastic bags that he puts the bloody bodies of his victims in.
Don't Go In The Woods also has a very strange sense of humor to it and at times its hard to tell which scenes were intentionally funny and which ones were not. There is no way that all of the scenes were supposed to be funny but the bad (very bad) acting puts a layer of camouflage over the film, once again leaving the audience confused. Don't Go In The Woods Alone can be enjoyable with the silly musical score and the blood and guts but only for those who aren't looking for a serious horror flick.
One of my favorite scenes shows a fat guy in a wheel chair ,alone at the top of a rocky mountain. He is decapitated and his head falls through the trees. I know that nothing makes sense in this movie but how did this guy get up a mountain by himself. This would be like Franklin escaping the wrath of leather face in the The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Then we get a crazy scene where a woman is slashed up pretty brutally while she is painting a picture and her young child bops up and down in a swing right next to her. The knife goes through the woman and through her canvas right in front of her child's eyes.
There  is also a few dismembered arms and one of which is a pretty gory splatter scene. A girl is speared, A man is strangled and thrown from a cliff and his body hits a bunch of rocks leaving a bloody mess. Another guy gets cut up outside his camper and has his face smashed into the window while his wife stares out at him. The the camper is pushed over a cliff of course goes up in flames with the wife in it. Even the killer himself has a pretty bloody ending.
It's bad and it's bloody. Don't Go In The Woods, stay home and watch a bad movies.

Vampire Girl VS. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

The new trend in Japanese splatter films is their answer to our big budget flashy cgi horror flicks, like the Resident Evil movies and when I look at it that way these movies are slightly more tolerable. Still I am not a big fan of any of these blood soaked computer generated horror flicks.
This one is from the same director who did Tokyo Gore police which I found to be slightly more entertaining then this one. If you're a young gore-hound and you're looking for some way over the top gore I suppose these would be the movies for you. I guess its like what Dead Alive was for my generation. Somehow no matter how ridiculous it sounds, I am able to take Dead Alive a little more seriously and there is nothing serious about that movie at all aside from its practical effects. Vampire Girl VS. Frankenstein Girl on the other hand is 100% all computer graphics and half the time it just looks like a video game.
Don't get me wrong the movie does entertain, especially if the viewer is brain-dead but it plays way to much like a comedy and there is so much silliness going on that the movie tended to be a bit of a nuisance for me.
I enjoyed watching some of the gory fight scenes with heads exploding and any kind of bodily dismemberment you could think of but then the movie goes into this really lame territory of song and dance and it almost seems like a demented musical.
The music on the other hand was probably the highlight for me. The soundtrack was pretty bad-ass and I found myself wanting to sing along which unfortunately would take a lot of practice for me due to the fact that I do not speak Japanese. Another highlight is all the pretty Asian girls running around in school girl outfits and this one super hot babe in a nurses suit who of course has a pretty violent death.
If you're gonna watch this one I'd recommend leaving your brain at home. This one is truly for the mindless.

Devil In Miss Jones (1973)

Gerard Damiano has his second huge hit after Deep Throat with The Devil In Miss Jones. He brings back Harry Reems and makes Georgina Spelvin a star in the golden age of American pornography.

From the opening scene The Devil In Miss Jones is as far from anything you would see in a porn flick today as possible. It opens up with Georgina Spelvin slashing her wrists and taking her life in a bathtub. The blood spews from her wrists and the bath water turns red. The combination of the graphic suicide and the down trodden music makes for a pretty depressing scene and the film manages to hold this mood till the final. After the opening suicide Spelvin finds herself at a long table discussing her eternity in hell. In the film Spelvin lived a clean life and died a virgin. She tells the man at the table that if she had a life to live over "she would live a life consumed and engulfed by lust", her wish is granted and she is de-virginized by Harry Reems who plays the devil. 

 Reems takes her vaginal and anal virginity and teaches her how to please the opposite sex. Once Spelvin is sent back amongst the living she sinks deeper and deeper into depravity and becomes more jaded with every sex scene. Spelvin does a good job in not only her sex scenes but is convincing as an actress as well. She also delivers some pretty shocking scenes especially for the time. One of which is double penetration scene. Another is a enema in a bathtub and the most memorable image involves a snake. Spelvin allows a snake to slither between her legs and over naked body. She holds the snake to her open mouth and she takes turns flicking tongues with the reptile. The music is excellent and adds a lot of atmosphere to the film.

The films tagline stated If You Have To Go To Hell... Go For A Reason. It suits the film pretty well in a witty way and in the end of the film Spelvin is brought back to the underworld and she excepts her fate in a place with no pleasures of the flesh. The film ends with Georgina Spelvin and the director Gerard Damiano locked in a room. Spelvin sits in front of Damiano and masturbates, begging for him to touch her. Damiano rants on and on about demons and flies coming for him when he sleeps and other nonsense. It makes for a pretty bleak ending and shows the hopelessness that the couple will endure for a eternity.

The Devil In Miss Jones doesn't paint a happy picture and is able to be depressing and sexually stimulating at the same time. All in all its one hell of a movie.

Death Machines (1976)

From the looks of the poster, most would probably think that Death Machines is a post apocalyptic Mad Max type of jam. Well this is not the case. If you want to talk about misleading exploitation posters, Death Machines is a classic example.

What we have here is a no frills, martial arts B-movie blast chock full of bad acting, bad Kung Fu and even worse dialogue. Its not that the dialogue itself is awful, its more of the fact that the actors just can't speak English. Good luck trying to understand anything that the main female villain is saying... She mumbles her lines through a very thick accent and it almost becomes laughable as you try your hardest to figure out what she is saying. Where she lacks in her verbal skills she makes up for it with hair-insanity. You have to see this hair to believe it.

With first viewing most would probably not like this one but Death Machines grows on you with time. Once you get past the technical problems, you realize that Death Machines is jam packed with ridiculous fight scenes, dismembered limbs and some really goofy characters. My personal favorite of all the goofy characters is a fat, balding biker who picks a fight with the Death Machines. We are also treated to the total destruction of a titty-bar in what might be the films most absurd fight scene. Between the crazy hair, explosions & chop-socky insanity, Death Machines makes for a good mindless time waster.

Saw : A Hardcore Parody (2010)

One of the better pron parody's to come out in a little while or maybe it just appeals to me. Ron Jeremy takes on the role of the Jigsaw character but in this parody his name is Screwball. Jeremy is killing off the so called stars in the porno industry with stupid contraptions that aren't to far off from something you would see in one of the Saw movies.
The movie opens up with a man who has his penis chained up to a meat grinder and his ass chained to a huge dildo. The man has to take his pick between losing his genitals in true Ted V. Michael's meat grinding fashion or having his anus penetrated by a huge fucking dildo. Right from the beginning Saw : A Hardcore Parody had me laughing and the only audience I could really see this movie arousing would probably be the hardcore fetish crowd because most of the scenes contain bondage, leather hoods, fuck machines, gas masks and other contraptions of the same class.
Once I got to the half way mark I started to sense a sort of mockery towards new pornography or fuck tapes as I like to call it. The movie pays homage to classic porn like Behind The Green Door in more then one scene and as the plot (If you can call it that) unfolds we learn that Screwball (Ron Jeremy) has a deep animosity for new porno movies. His best line in the movie is "you call this smut a film? There is no plot and no climax other then a girl taking a load between the eyes! Wheres the art?" His words were my thoughts exactly and its no secret that I am a avid viewer of classic film in general and pretty much hate the modern format of movie making.
Ron Jeremy has a bit of trouble getting it up at first but eventually manages to keep it up and he digs deep into his old bag of filthy tricks and brings back his infamous countdown. This time he climaxes on the count of 15 seconds and it was nice to see Jeremy do something other then sweat.
This one also managed to keep a good sense of humor and one of the better examples is a scene with a brain-dead porn-star strapped to a electric chair. She has a certain amount of time to spell the word fellatio correctly or she will be fried alive. Another entertaining scene involves Evan Stone in a threesome. Stone is sewn up after a surgery and has a device planted in his chest. He has to keep an erection and last in a hardcore sex scene for 30 minutes. His sewn up chest was actually convincing and a bit disturbing to watch in a sex scene.
Saw : A Hardcore Parody also offers up one squirter, one salad tossing scene, 2 threesomes, one anal scene, eye balls being poked out, a drill through the back of the head and a gang-bang. Worth a watch for anyone who likes horror movies and porn parody's but a better watch for anyone who wants a sleazy flick that isn't afraid to make fun of genre flicks of today.

Hausu (1977)

Hausu is probably my new favorite movie. Its kind of like Evil Dead on acid. The whole movie plays out like a dream with extremely one dimensional characters. Their names alone show the depth of the character. One is named Gorgeous and shes of course the beautiful one. Then you have Fantasy who has the wild imagination. Another is Kung Fu and I'm sure you can guess her characteristics. All together there is seven of these girls and they all take a trip to spend the Summer at Gorgeous's aunts house. The house is haunted and Auntie is a sort of ghost/vampire who feeds on the blood of pretty young girls.

From what you have just read you would naturally think this is a horror a movie and technically it is but Hausu never tries to be scary. Instead it chooses to be one of the wackiest, silly horror movies of all time with the brightest uses of colors and very stylish camera work. All together it makes for one of the most visually stimulating films I have ever seen. You can't help but be reminded of the films of Alejandro Jodorowsky and Holly Mountain in particular but unlike Jodorowsky, Hausu makes no attempt to be deep or meaning full.
I was lucky enough to see this thing in the theater last Summer with some friends and my eyes were glued to the screen with jaw dropped. I don't think anybody in the audience was quite prepared for what they were seeing. It was interesting to hear people comment and voice their opinions after the screening. It almost felt as if we were Beatniks in a sort of time warp. Some of the people thought there was some sort of artistic message to the movie which there absolutely is not but others took it for what it is, a chaotic barrage of visuals packed into a fast paced 88 minute film. I over heard one conversation in the lobby, where one cat asked his friend what he thought. His buddy replied "Eye Candyyy!" I couldn't agree with him more.

Some of the off the wall madness Hausu has to offer is a girl being eaten by a piano as her dismembered limbs fly all over the place and bright red blood sprays through the air as her chopped off fingers play a tune on the piano. Then we have my personal favorite scene where a mattress comes to life and attacks a girl. Feathers fly through the air with some very Argento esque lighting while the camera records the chaos from below through what looks like a glass floor. It really just has to be seen to be believed. We also get a crazy scene where a decapitated head flies from a well and bites a girl on the ass. There is also a small bit of naked flesh thrown in here and there for extra viewing pleasure and who can argue that. Hausu is filled with weird happenings from beginning to end. Theres dancing skeletons, demonic cats, rooms fill with blood, A girl turns to glass and her face shatters, another girl gets stuck inside a clock, dismembered legs fly about and cause destruction. The list of weirdness goes on and on.
Hausu is a 70's oddity in Asian cinema and its a must see for anyone who likes strange movies.
I always loved this tagline for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Once you stop screaming, then you'll start talking about it. It could have been reused for Hausu.

Inception (2010)

Once again I give into the pressure of others and attempt to watch a big budget Hollywood blockbuster only to be let down and annoyed. All I have heard about this movie since it hit the theaters was how smart it was and the general public didn't understand what was going on. Well all I have to say to that is that the public is pretty dumb because there was not any secret hidden message of genius in this one. I can see how someone might be confused for a short moment because the movie weaves in and out of dreams and reality. At times there is dreams within a dream and the viewer can lose his bearings.
The movie stars Leonardo Dicaprio as a man with the ability to enter other peoples dreams and either plant or erase parts of the individuals subconscious. Okay Ill give it to the writers, its a good idea but the idea is to deep for the movie. Inception had some very visually stimulating scenes with huge amounts of detail but the movie gets tired and annoying with the constant surreal theft of reality. Inception might be slightly more watchable then the average box office hit but that's still not saying much.
Another thing that bothered me was the runtime. Inception clocks in at 148 minutes and that's just way to long for a movie that is holding onto one good idea. This thing has a replay value of zero and the ending was so drawn out it made me sick. Only worth a watch for those who love flashy cgi special effects.

The Hellcats (1967)

For some reason or other The Hellcats was marketed as a female biker gang flick. The alternate title was Biker Babes and the tagline states Leather On The Outside... All Woman On The Inside! Well I guess that's why we call them exploitation flicks because The Hellcats is not a woman's biker gang. If that's what you're looking for you're better off with something like Angels Wild Women with Ross Hagen. What do you know Ross Hagen is also the star of this film. I have really taken a liking to Mr. Hagen as I am a big fan of him in Sidehackers. I know I am probably the only fan of Sidehackers in the world but my answer to that is, well the rest of the world is crazy because Sidehackers is awesome!
This time Hagen plays a soldier named Monte and his brother is a narcotics agent who was just murdered. Monte and his sister inlaw discover that a biker gang named The Hellcats probably had some involvement in the murder. The two disguised themselves as bikers and join up with The Hellcats. Eventually they learn that it wasn't exactly the bikers who did the killing but some mobsters with a score to settle.
This one is pretty rough around the edges. Its filled with plotholes, bad acting and some really bad music but the film still manages to stay entertaining. One thing this one had going for it is the fact that the gang is very big. Most of the time when you watch these cheesy biker exploitation flicks the gang consists of three guys and it comes off rather embarrassing. The Hellcats may be a big gang but they are a very odd one at that. Some of the members look like legit biker folk while some look like hippies. These guys and gals are pretty rough and tough. They drink like fish, they drop acid and they pretty much party through the whole movie. If they are not partying they are probably fighting rival gangs or challenging each other to weird duels. For me some of the best scenes where party scenes with beer foam flying all over the place and crazy Go-Go dancing babes with eye patches. We also get a chain fight and a very strange game where the loser is dragged by his feet through dirt roads by a motorcycle. The Hellcats isn't exactly a good movie but you could do much worse in this genre, Hells Bloody Devils for example... What ever you do stay away from that one! I still recommend Ross Hagens rape/revenge biker film Sidehackers. If not I suppose this one is worth a watch.

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965)

Off the wall craziness with hot go-go babes in tight skimpy outfits, fast cars and violence from the great Russ Meyer. Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is probably the most entertaining of all Meyer films and its definitely the one hes remembered for.
Three beautiful big breasted Go-Go dancers take their cars through the desert where they meet a all American couple, in other words "Squares!" If there is anything these girls can't stand its squares. The girls challenge the couple to a race and the gratification of winning isn't enough for the leader of the threesome girl gang played by Tura Satana. She swipes a stop watch from the couple and tells them to split. When the couple refuse Tura gives "Lover-Boy" the beating of his life and breaks his spine with some hilarious Kung Fu. The three babes tie up the now single bikini clad girl, force feed her some sedatives and continue to travel across desert as they make up their minds what to do with their little witness. The audience is treated to a nonstop sexual teas-o-ramma as the camera drops in on very revealing angels of bra busting boobs and hot-pants shots. The deadly trio of femme fatales form a plan to steal the riches from a hillbilly family in the desert who is supposedly "loaded". The girls get a  little more then they bargain for when they learn that this family has some sort of sick perverse form of vengeance that they are taking out on pretty young girls. Old grandpa is in a wheel chair due to a bad accident involving a pretty young girl and a train. The old man has a big "stud" of a son who spends all of his time working out and fondling pretty babes the only problem is that he plays a little to rough. The family and the girls have a big bloody fight and the ending is as incredible as the beginning.
This one has something for everyone. Sexy babes, race cars, really bad Kung Fu, Go-Go dancing, pervert rednecks and really silly dialogue. Anybody who likes trashy exploitation movies would get a total kick out of this movie and its a little hard to even place a genre to this movie. Its almost a cross between a roughie and a on the road flick. It can't really be considered a sexploitation flick because there is no nudity on display. Despite the lack of flesh, Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is the ultimate in tease exploitation flicks.

The Deer Hunter (1978)

The Deer Hunter is one of the best Vietnam movies ever made, in the same class as Apocalypse Now and Full Metal Jacket. There is nothing glamorous about this one. It shows war for what it is and the affect it has on the men who fight and the families and friends back home. Actually The Deer Hunter shows very little war. Its a very long film it clocks in at 182 min. and the first 4o min or so is before the two main characters (Robert De Niro & Christopher Walken) even leave for Nam. Instead we have a huge wedding party and a hunting trip but in these scenes you can sense that these two characters aside from their front have some deep emotions going on inside. They might be surrounded by friends and family but these men are not happy.
When we finally get to the war stuff The Deer Hunter leaves us with one of the most powerful and memorable scenes in any war movie. Robert De Niro and Christopher Walken (who are best friends) are held at gun point in a shack on a Vietnam river and are forced to play Russian roulette. They already witnessed their friends play and one by one they are dying. One guy slightly misses and hits his skull on a angel. He thrown into a rat infested pit and left to bleed to death with a shattered skull. De Niro and Walken are the last two to play. These two actors are incredible in this scene. It seems to go on and on as they take turns putting the gun to their head and pulling the trigger. You have no choice but to let out a sigh of reliefe with them when we here the gun click to an empty chamber. De Niro explains to Walken that the only way they are going to get out of this alive is to play with more bullets. They need at least three in the gun and then they have a chance of killing the scum who is making them play this horrible game. Well they end up getting away and they are separated in Vietnam but the two made a pact that they would not leave each other behind. Walken ends up losing his mind and De Niro tries to bring him home. Lets just say theres some more Russian roulette and only one of them survives.
This one isn't the easiest of movies to watch but it is done so well that it will never be forgotten.

Death Wish (1974)

1974 was a great year for cult films. We had one of the best horror films of all time The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,  Then there was the incredibly trashy Andy Warhol's Frankenstein and the role that made Pam Grier immortal Foxy Brown. We had the early slasher Black Christmas, a few Women In Prison films and of course Death Wish, the film that brought the rape/revenge genre to the mainstream public.
Charles Bronson plays a family man named Paul Kersey who's wife and daughter were brutally raped and beaten by a ridiculous 70's street gang consisting of a skinhead, a bandanna wearing long-hair and none other the Jeff Goldblum.

The gang swipes the girls address from a counter at a grocery store and shows up at their house pretending its a grocery delivery. Luckily for Goldblum and friends Paul Kersey was off to work. The gang spray paints the walls of the apartment along with the asses of Paul Kerseys wife and daughter and it makes for a pretty disturbing scene when the daughter is forced to perform oral sex on the skinhead character. The wife is beaten to death and the daughter remains in a state of shock throughout the film. When Bronson (Paul Kersey) learns that there is very little chance of the police ever finding these criminals he decides to take revenge to a new height. Bronson becomes a one man vigilante and takes on the muggers, rapists, murderers, junkies and thief's of New York city. Bronson walks the city streets and night and puts himself in the most dangerous situations as possible, just waiting for the first punk to come and make a move on him and he shoots them down with a pistol that a old cowboy gave him.

Its not long before Paul Kersey is the hype of the city. He is in the paper, on the t.v. and he is known as the vigilante. Nobody knows the true identity of the vigilante but the crime rates are dropping and the public no longer are waiting for the police's help. New York city is fighting back against the criminals and taking justice into their own hands with the vigilante as inspiration. Its not long before the police are onto Kersey but it doesn't stop him from acting out his vengeance.
Death Wish was such a success that it spawned four sequels and a whole mess of ripoffs. The Death Wish films got worse and worse with every sequel and they also became more ridiculous where the character of Paul Kersey takes on full gangs with bazookas and Gatling guns. As in almost every case the original is the best and theres no doubt about it with this series. Death Wish is king and Paul Kersey is a bad-ass mofo.

Death Race 2000 (1975)

This is probably my favorite car movie of all time. Its nonstop campy fun from beginning to end with a wacky plot that never takes its self to seriously and still manages to deliver. Some films were destined to become timeless cult classics and that's pretty much what we have with this one. I have not seen the remake nor do I want to. Why would anybody want to sit through a politically correct Hollywood version of this? Ill stick to the original Paul Bartel Roger Corman classless classic.
Death Race 2000 is the biggest sport of the future. Its a car race across country but this race has a point system. The drivers get points by hitting pedestrians as they roar through city streets and country side. Each car has two people, the driver and a navigator. The route that the pair chooses is entirely up to them and obviously more populated areas are better for the drivers. Each car has its own bizarre, tacky style. One has big swords protruding from the hood that the driver uses to ram through pedestrians in the street. While another might be covered in swastika's. After all this buzz-bomb is driven by "Herman The German".

The movie also costars Sylvester Stallone as Machine Gun Joe and for once a Stollone film doesn't completely suck. He plays a over the top violent prick in a old-time mobster get-up with a Brooklyn accent. Machine Gun Joe is hated by most and it seems hes always doing something obnoxious like spitting on his fans or beating his female navigator. He pretty much yells all of his lines and in one of his best scenes he has an argument at a diner table as he spits food all over the place and has mashed potatoes or some mess all over his face. Another reason Machine Gun Joe has a shortage of fans is because he is the rival enemy of the films hero, Frankenstein. Frankenstein is played by David Carradine and the fans love him. "America loves you Frankenstein" is one of the greatest lines in the movie and its very true. They call him Frankenstein because of the amount of car crashes he has been in and all the surgery and reconstruction that he has gone through. "He lost his left arm 76 and his right in 79" They say he lost both eyes, most of his skull and face and hes supposed to be covered with scars but we don't get to see because Frankenstein wears a leather gimp suit. Its awesome to see David Carradine walking around in a leather S&M get-up and just being a all around bad-ass.

Eventually Frankenstein looses his mask and underneath he is just normal, young looking David Carradine. He's supposed to be kind of handsome in this movie and its not long before he is screwing his hot blond navigator and saying things like this "What did you expect, just another pretty face?".

Theres a descent amount of violence in this movie with peoples heads being run over and torsos being crushed. We also get a decapitation and a guy who gets his crotch split in a crash. We also have a subplot going on about some anarchist rebels who want to stop the national Death Race sport and assassinate the president. The subplot helps add for a bit more violence and a few car explosions. Not to mention a airplane crash and burn. There is also a few bare breasted women on display and Mary Woronov is in here as well but unfortunately she doesn't show to much flesh in this one. (gotta watch Sugar Cookies for that) Death Race 2000 has a few more twists and turns within the plot and I'm not going to go into them in here. All I have to say is "Frankenstein for president"!

The Hard Road (1970)

The Hard Road is not a pretty picture! Or at least that's what the tagline says and I think I'm going to have to agree. This anti-drug sexual hygiene scare flick is about a 17 year old girl named Pam and bad choices she makes and The Hard Road she chooses. The film opens up with teenage Pam delivering a baby which unfortunately they didn't show in true exploitation fashion. Pam chooses to put the baby up for adoption and tries to get on with her normal teenage life but the kids in school all know what happened and they are making life very hard for Pam. Pam's parents also feel the pressures of their judgemental surroundings and dad starts drinking heavily while mom pops over the counter pills. Pam gets a job as a secretary for a sleazy man named Leo who runs a music agency. Leo likes to watch Pam through a secret two way mirror in his office but unfortunately the most Pam skin we get is watching her fix her thigh high stalkings. Sorry guys but this ones not a skin flick. Pam meets a rocker who introduces her to some grass and trashy hippie folk. Pam plunges further and further into depravity as she gets turned onto wild orgies, psychedelics, pills and heroin.
As I mentioned this is not a sexploitation flick so we don't get much nudity in the sex scenes. Instead were treated to another disturbing film within the film. Pam catches Gonorrhea and we get a good honest sex hygiene scare film with nasty pictures of rotting genitals and open sores. Its really the typical stuff you see in all these v.d. scare flicks but this one manages to catch us a bit off guard when it pretty much comes from nowhere.
My favorite scenes are probably all the weird hippy-trippy scenes with wide angle lenses and unique camera work. The proper use of lighting and camera angles actually shows a bit of talent on the filmmakers end. As the film goes on we enter darker territory with harder drugs and more violent characters. Pam eventually sees not everyone is a peace loving hippy. There is one hilarious seen where a "o.d." hippy is running through a long tunnel screaming his lungs out. He is then picked up by a friend and the two junkies mug a business man. They kick him in the face with sandals on their feet until the mans face is red with blood and every time they kick him his head rocks back and forth like a bobble-head. This scene has to be seen to be believed. Another very memorable seen is the painful withdrawal from heroin in a prison cell. The junkie smashes his face into a cement wall and goes into convulsions in a pretty realistic scene. The film all comes to a 70's downer ending with Pam having a hell of a acid trip at a airport runway. She is hit by a car and killed. As the tagline says The Hard Road Is Not A Pretty Picture.

I Cream With Genie (1991)

I made a big mistake when I confused this title for the 1988 I Cream Of Genie with Nina Hartley and Tracey Adams which I'm sure isn't very good either but it has to be better then this shot on video piece of crap.
I Cream With Genie is about a bum who stumbles across a (yes your guessed it) a magic lamp while climbing through some garbage. The bum picks up the lamp to examine it and the movie cuts to a sex scene in what is supposed to be inside the lamp, between a genie who doesn't have an erection and a blond bimbo. The homeless man shakes the lamp and the limp-dick genie sex scene becomes all shaky. The genie appears in a puff of smoke that looks like it came from a 99 cent smoke bomb and scolds the bum for ruining his moment and shaking things up. The bum apologizes and the genie starts to grant him wishes. First the genie gives him a place to live, some food and clean clothes. Luckily for bum, this genie grants more then three wishes. The bum wishes for some sex and the genie gladly helps him out. From here on the bum pretty much only wishes for sex and we are forced to watch the same girls in different sexcipades. These sex scenes get tired pretty quick and the only real form of entertainment is these really cheesy scenes where the bum flies around naked with the genie on a magic carpet. One magic carpet scene in particular managed to get a chuckle out of me, The naked bum was complaining about not having any friends. The genie replies in a ridiculous accent "you don't deserve any friends because you're a bum". Then he tells his naked passenger that he has given him everything a man could want and hes still "a no good bum". The genie eventually gives in and gives the bum a friend but I don't think anyone would want to be friends with this clown. He's some long haired rocker dude who looks like he might be in Quiet Riot or something and when its time for him to preform and do the dirty he cant get it up. I Cream With Genie is just full of winners.
I probably would not have been able to make it through this one if I was alone but I did watch it at work with some coworkers and between the awful genie dialogue and his silly accent and some of the atrocious special effects I managed to watch the whole thing. Other then a small chuckle here and there I really hated this movie and just couldn't wait for it to end. It was shot on video and that is always a bad thing, The script was so minimal that it almost wasn't there and the music was almost unbearable. Every sex scene is worsened with music that sounds like it was done on a Kaseo keyboard. Don't waste your time with this one unless you're at work. Its a painful sit through.

The Prowler (1981)

This here is one of my all time favorite slasher films. I always relate it to Maniac (1980) which I can watch over and over. This one came out one year after Maniac and Tom Savini's special effects might even be slightly better in this one. The murder scenes are exceptionally gory in this one and it even has a shotgun head explosion that is just as good as the one in Maniac. We are also treated to a couple of nasty throat slashing scenes and one in particular really sticks in the mind. A girl has her throat slit in a swimming pool and the Prowler holds her under water as she loses her last bit of breath. The blood spews out into the pool with air bubbles and the water slowly turns red. For me the nastiest murder scene shows a man having a army knife smashed through the top of his skull and it comes out his neck below the chin. The camera holds the shot and the victims eyes roll into the back of his skull as blood leaks from his two knife wounds. Although the special effects and makeup are excellent The Prowler lacks in the writing department. It can get pretty slow at times with what seems like padding. The padding in this one is pretty uninteresting. Its basically just characters walking around aimlessly looking scared. The direction and cinematography on the other hand is pretty nice and the film has a very unique look to it. It was definitely shot on 35mm but the film itself almost has a fog or a mist look to it. It kind of reminds me of what would look like a dream sequence in another film. The Prowler was directed by Joesph Zito, not to be confused for Frank Zito who is of course the scalp collecting psycho in Maniac played by Joe Spinell. Well the relations to Maniac really do go on and on with this movie. Director Joe Zito may be most famous for Friday The 13th : The Final Chapter but in my opinion The Prowler is his best film.
A lot of people relate this film to My Bloody Valentine (1981) because of similarities in the plot but then again most slasher films have countless similarities. The Prowler is a must see for anyone who likes slasher flicks and Gorehounds will be in all their gory glory.

Damaged Goods (1961)

Damaged Goods follows the typical exploitation sex hygiene format from beginning to end. This one is about a innocent teenage couple named Jim and Judy who plan to get married after high school. Their plans come to a halt when Judy finds out that Jim and his car club "The Torches" took a little road trip where they picked up some prostitutes. Jim picks up a little more then a prostitute. That's right clean cut Jim caught V.D., Syphilis to be exact.
Damaged Goods is pretty boring up until the boys pick up the hookers. Then we are treated to another sex hygiene flick within the flick that is really relatively tame compared to other flicks in this genre like Mom And Dad. The most disturbing scene in this one is probably a close up of a baby girl who is infected with Syphilis. We also get a bow legged cripple and some nasty looking sores. Other then that Damaged Goods offers a cheesy burlesque scene, some big 60's underwear and some really uptight parents. Surf rock fans will be happy to know that The Ventures music fills all the driving scenes. Its to bad its the same song over and over again.
Doesn't offer up anything all that new or memorable but fans of this type of film won't be let down. After all they are always pretty similar.

Pink Angels (1971)

If I had to pick what film genre might be the most manly of all I would say it would either be The Western or The Biker film. Biker films, exploitation or (Easy Rider) mainstream usually portrays rugged men on the road trying to find freedom. This might not necessarily be the aspect that makes these movies so macho but the bar fights, the gratuitous pot smoking and beer chugging usually helps these films fall into the tough-guy category. Not to mention that theres usually lots of naked women on display in either sex scenes or rape scenes and big bad-ass dudes with dirty clothes and rugged beards.
The Pink Angels on the other hand strips the biker film of all its manliness. Its about a gay biker gang who are on their way to a "Drag Ball Party" in L.A. which is as I'm sure you guessed a drag queen party. So in a sense this one holds onto the basic foundation of a biker film since they are a group of men on the road in search of "Freedom" but its hard to imagine a audience for this movie. The biker/exploitation fans certainly aren't going to dig this because its a comedy and theres absolutely nothing tough about this movie. Me on the other hand I like it. Mainly because its a 70's oddity and its just so strange. Its very obvious that the Pink Angels is a comedy but it also seems like there is some kind of message that just didn't come off right in the movie. Was this thing made by a gay man? If so the message comes off very twisted. It ends in Easy Rider fashion with the six gay bikers being hung by fascists. Instead of rednecks, the police and military are ganging up on the queer gang and they are hung in the films final.
The film works better as a weird piece of history rather then a comedy because most of the humor comes off unintentionally and the scenes that we are supposed to laugh at just seem awkward and uncomfortable. I'm sure the Pink Angels looked a lot funnier in the script because the ideas were great but when it was all shot it comes off as a very confused motorcycle movie. Some of the party scenes look like they could have come right out of The Wild Angels or something and then we just get all out wacky scenes with food fights, campaign drinking and lots of fruity frolicking. Worth a watch for anyone who wants to see what is probably the most unconventional biker film ever made but I do warn you, its a very strange one and not necessarily very good either.

Cut-Throats Nine (1972)

Cut-Throats Nine is my personal all time favorite western. It is often referred to as a spaghetti western which really isn't accurate because its not Italian. Cut-Throats Nine came out of Spain and it doesn't even look like a western. First off almost the whole movie takes place in the snow, up in the mountains. This just adds to the bleakness to one of the nastiest, violent, nihilistic westerns ever made.
The Cut-Throats Nine is a group of criminals on a chain gang who are being transported to a new prison by a man named Sargent Brown and his daughter Sarah. Sgt. Brown loses his horses and the carriage when a group of bandits attempt to rob him. Now Sgt. Brown along with his daughter are trapped in the middle of nowhere with minimal food and water and a group of murderers and rapists all chained together by the feet. The only thing keeping the Sgt. and his daughter safe from the blood thirsty chain gang is his pistol.
Its not long before the Cut-Throats find out that the chain that binds them together is made of gold. From here on the movie gets more violent and nihilistic. These men are Cut-Throats in every sense of the word. There is no morals here, no remorse and its everyman for himself. If one member of the chain gang breaks his leg the others will happily kill him. There is one scene in the movie where a member of the chain gang is strangled and when none of the Cut-Throats will confess to Sgt. Brown the Sgt. forces the gang to take turns carrying the corpse. While the Sgt. Sleeps the Cut-Throats throw the corpse in the fire and the body is severely charred and burned up. Its a pretty gross scene but the point isn't the gore. The point is the how savage these men are. They burned the corpse so the Sgt. would have no choice but to chop the leg off of the stinking, burned up rotten corpse. True Cut-Throats only care for themselves and this movie shows that in great detail.
Cut-Throats Nine is one of those movies that manages to stay miserable all the way through. There is no happy ending here and you never really expect one either. Every character appears to be doomed in their own way and the ending proves that they are. We have gory gun shots to the face with blood spurting from an eyeball , a machete to the leg, we have the charred corpse BBQ, intestines spill out with a knife to the guts, there are hangings, a rape scene, explosions, horses falling down snowy mountains, strangulation's, a woman has her brains blown out with a shot to the head. The violence seems to go on and on in this one.
Cut-Throats Nine is actually the movie that made me realize I liked westerns. It wasn't Django or The Good The Bad And The Ugly. This one opened me up for a whole genre that I thought was relatively boring. This one is more for the horror fanatic. Check it out!

Little Laura And Big John (1973)

What we have here is a low budget ripoff of Bonnie And Clyde. Instead of the Barrow Gang this one follows the life, crimes and death of the John Ashly Gang, not to be mistaken for John Ashly from all those Philippines Beast Of Blood movies. Nope, this John Ashly is played by a actor named Fabian Forte and hes not even worth talking about. The real star here is Karen Black and she doesn't do a very good job either. Karen plays Little Laura, John Ashly's girlfriend and she helps take part in the bank robberies and some of the gangs other exploits. Unlike Bonnie And Clyde the female character is the one to blame for all the misfortune that will come. Big John Ashly finds himself in a whole world of trouble from the beginning because he tries to please Little Laura.
This film really let me down because it had one of the coolest opening scenes I have seen in a long time. It opens up in New York with mobsters being mowed down in the streets with Tommy Guns. It almost started off like a trailer with fast paced action shoot outs and cars flipping over all with a voice over narration. The film goes down hill from here on. Most of the film takes place in Florida and its kind of hard to get into a mobster flick with palm trees and white beaches all over the place. I was also let down because I am a huge fan of Bonnie And Clyde (1967) with Fay Dunaway and Warren Beatty. This one rips it off in every way possible and still manages to be awful right down to the infamous nihilistic shootout ending. Another thing that really bothered me about this one is the soundtrack. The music was so discombobulated, it made no sense at all. First we would be listening to a old time 20's ragtime piece and then it would go to 70's funk-a-dellic fuzz guitar that sounded like it should be out of a Blaxploitation flick. Then for the car chase scenes we had some Blue Grass that sounded like it was lifted right out of Bonnie And Clyde and the next sequence would have some awful song that sounds like a Carpenters track. Aside from the crap soundtrack the audio was all off on the print that I have. Everything sounds muffled and oddly enough it helped make the action scenes even worse. Don't waste your time on this one. Stick to Bonnie And Clyde!

Creature Feature (2010)

Tom Byron Presents : released a DVD just in time for Halloween stapled after the Universal Studios monsters. For me there are only but three kinds of porn flicks. There are the classic 70's & 80's films. There are "fuck tapes" which is what I call the porn of today. Basically just shot on video scenes of people having sex, which I'm not a big fan of but they serve their purpose. Then there are modern digital flicks that are trying to be movies, like Pirates and This Ain't The Brady Bunch. Usually I'm not a fan of these either but every once and a while one will strike my personal interest, like The Texas Vibrator Massacre. Creature Feature fits somewhere in between a fuck-tape and a modern wanna-be movie.
Creature Feature was directed by Lizzy Borden who does a lot of films for Tom Byron. She also was in the incredibly shitty shot on video Terror Toons. If you have not seen that one, you are lucky. Stay away at all costs. Anyway Creature Feature is supposed to be like an anthology film and the short little stories are brought to us by a girl on a couch in an Elvira get-up. The Elvira character was played by Sunny Lane who has a pretty big porn filmography including titles like Not Bewitched and Tom Byron's other horror-porn-parody The Human Sexipede. We have a little intro before each fuck session which is digitally enhanced with some fake grain and the color is yellowed out to make it look old. The first segment is The Bride Of Fuckenstein and Evan Stone plays the mad scientist and he brings a pretty good looking girl with real boobs back to life in the classic Bride Of Frankenstein look.
The second segment is the Mummy which was ultra cheesy and the intro was just awful. A girl is running around in a cave with a tiki torch and finds a Mummy. She brings the Mummy to life with a blowjob and then rides the hell out of him. The Mummy costume pretty much consists of a pair of beige cacky pants and some toilet paper.
Then we got the Dracula scene which really doesn't need much explaining. This is followed by The Wolfman. The Wolfman actually got a laugh or two out of me. The make-up wasn't even half bad and that's pretty sad because I have seen some real movies with much worse werewolf makeup. The Wolfman is sucked and fucked back to normal. Say goodbye to the hairy palms.
The final segment is called Night Of The Fucking Dead Zombie and its a Night Of The Living Dead parody. Tom Byron plays the zombie in this scene and he gets it on with a obnoxious brunette who is way over acting or should I say over orgasiming. The one good thing I can say about this chick is that she has real boobs. Actually I think there was only one fake set of jugs in the whole movie and that's always a plus for me. The zombie segment wasn't all that great I prefer Night Of The Giving Head.
All in all Creature Feature is just another fuck tape but between the Elvira character and the silly monster sexcipades it was an alright watch.