Three On A Meathook (1973)

I have never seen a William Girdler film that I didn't like. I am more then half way through his filmography having seen 5 out of his 9 films. Being a fan of Girdler schlock-ers such as Asylum Of Satan, Abby, Sheba Baby and even The Day Of The Animals but I would have to say that this movie is the worst of the lot.

Sometimes I think I'm the only person who realizes these things but if you watch Three On A Meathook and Night Of Bloody Horror back to back, you would have to be blind to not see the countless similarities. The truth is that Three On A Meathook is basically a remake of the 1969 film or at least a big fucking ripoff. The weirdest thing is that Night Of Bloody Horror isn't even a good movie. Why the hell would anybody want to steal the basic outline from that movie? I suppose if the great Mr. Girdler were still alive perhaps some day I would find the answer. Aside from the seemingly endless similarities between the two films Three On A Meathook has a much better title. However the film obviously doesn't hold up to such an exploitative title. We don't even get 3 on "A" meathook. Instead we get three girls on three separate meathooks. Well, thats why we call them exploitation movies.

Despite the blatant lie within the title, Three On A Meathook does deliver the goods. The movie starts off strong with a hot naked blond and a massacre that comes complete with a gory stabbing in a bathtub, two girls blown away by a shotgun and a decapitation by hatchet that has to be seen to be believed.

From here on we step into some very lame, boring and dramatic territory and when I say drama, I don't mean in a Taxi Driver sort of way. I mean, in a bad soap opera kind of way. We get this sappy love story thrown into the mix and the movie lingers on this subplot for far to long, leaving us gore-hounds wondering when the next murder will take place. Eventually the bodies start falling and we learn that the villains are cannibals. We are supposed to get a twist ending but it is seen coming from the start of the film.

Once the murder and mayhem picks back up we get a death by pick axe and a death by meatcleaver. We also get some severed limbs and some more really bad writing. Speaking of bad writing, look for the scene where two girls are bonding over true love. It is almost painful to watch!

A movie that is worth owning for all bad movie lovers. Fans of this movie should be sure to check out Night Of Bloody Horror... That ones even shot in Violent Vision! Who can pass that up?

The Thing From Another World (1951)

Many have called The Thing (2011) a prequel but that doesn't make any sense. It only works as a prequel to John Carpenter's 1982 remake of this film. The 2011 version completely disregards the original 1951 movie, so how can it be called a prequel?

Personally I believe that The Thing (1982) is the greatest remake of all time. The special effects hold up today and Carpenter's take on this 50's monster flick was so unique

The original is of course an awesome movie too. It also had some daring special effects for the time. In one of the most memorable scenes our monster is engulfed in flames as he runs through a burning room. The fire spreads fast as hell and it took some bravery on the parts of the stuntmen to be involved in this scene at all. In another cool scene we have our monster with electrical current flowing through his head and hands. This effect would be used a lot in the 80's with bright blue computer graphics but its really cool to see this early 50's attempt.

The story follows a group of men on a Air force mission to scope out what they think is a U.F.O. crash landing in the middle of the North Pole. When they arrive at the site the flying saucer is buried deep beneath the ice. Being the bunch of genius's that they are they decide to blow the ice away with a giant bomb. The explosion blows the U.F.O. up with the ice but the soldiers and scientist are happy to learn that a man was thrown from the saucer during the explosion and is frozen in a solid block of ice. When the men take the ice-man back to their bunker to thaw out, they are in for a big surprise.

Little did they know that this alien lives off of human blood and views the human race as food supply. The monster looks like man but he is in fact a vegetable? The scientists learn that he is a sort of highly intelligent plant and plans on making earth a new habitat for the blood drinking plant-men. It is such a silly idea but somehow it worked for the movie. Somehow the audience believes, Yeah he is a giant plant-man from outer space... Sure!

The Thing From Another World offers up a mad scientist who wants to protect the monster, A brunette in a tight sweater as the sex appeal, a Frankenstein looking monster with a bigger head, three dead dogs, plenty of fire-fu, a severed arm (complete with reanimation), two off screen murders (complete with soldiers hanging upside down with their throats cut, completely drained of blood), death by electrocution, breathing plants and an icy-cold atmosphere that will make you reach for the nearest blanket of flamethrower.

Check it out for a good time with killer plant-men and lots of 50's witty dialogue. Stay away from the 2011 remake or prequel or what ever the fuck you want to call it. I call it a waste of time.

Toxic Avenger Part 4 : Citizen Toxie (2000)

This is the 4th and final movie to date in the Toxic Avenger series and its nice that it didn't follow in the footsteps of Toxic Avenger Part 3 : The Last Temptation Of Toxie because that one is just fucking awful.

This time around Tromaville's favorite hideously deformed creature of super-human size and strength has to fight his evil doppelganger, The Noxious Offender. We of course get the final fight-to-the-death scene but everything in between is just fast paced fun and mayhem. Every frame is loaded with extras in true Troma style and blood & guts and the tits & ass really help this movie just fly by.

In one of the most memorable moments we have a school massacre but the students are all mentally retarded and the killers call themselves the Diaper Mafia. Obviously a joke on those Trench-coat Mafia morons who did the world a favor and shot up all the jocks at school. Retards are blown away with automatic weapons until the Toxic Avenger comes and rips the diaper-punks to shreds. Trent Haaga (Terror Firmer, Dead And Rotting) is disemboweled and has his messy guts pulled from his body. Another punk has a shit filled diaper smashed in his face and then has his head stomped by Toxie (complete with flying brains and shit).

We also get another gross shit moment in a scene where an old woman has her head run over by a car. Gore leaks from her crushed head as piss and shit fly from under her dress. Yuck!

Citizen Toxie also offers up a Street Fighter homage where a mans head is shattered through x-ray-vision, hot lesbian sex, plenty of bare breasted bimbos, Tromeo And Juliet's penis monster returns for some rape action, the original Melvin the mop-boy comes back, syringes to the face, arm dismemberment, leg dismemberment, mop poles are shoved through heads, tongues are ripped out in true Blood Feast fashion, a black man is tied to the back of a truck and dragged through the street in true Coffy fashion, Dolphin Man gets killed, Mad Cowboy gets killed, lots of Nazi's get killed and we have an awesome fight scene between two fetus's that takes place from within a pregnant woman's womb.

Hank The Drunken Dwarf plays God and has this to say "Tell the pope to stop talking about me. He's an asshole! He doesn't know me and his hat looks fucking stupid". Sargent Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. shows up as a drunken rapist who impregnates Toxies wife and we just get plenty of other ridiculous situations that you would only find in a Troma movie. Perhaps my favorite touch in this movie is a character named Tedo who plays the Retarded Rebel. The Retarded Rebel shoots heroin, smokes crack, drinks whiskey and calls everyone around him a pussy. I would like to see the Retarded Rebel in his own movie.

Blood Sucking Freaks (1976)

So now its called torture porn? Modern horror movies like Hostel and Saw is really nothing new. In fact they are nothing more then watered down commercialized versions of the far more grotesque and offensive films of the past. Movies like Mark Of The Devil and Blood Sucking Freaks also known as The Incredible Torture show are amongst the strongest and most repulsive of the lot, yet they bare a charm that keeps us demento's coming back again and again.

Some call it trash (which it is) and others call it art (which it is) but I just call it high entertainment in cinema of the bizarre. If you took Herschell Gordon Lewis Wizard Of Gore and threw in tons of nudity and strong elements of S&M you would come up with something like Blood Sucking Freaks.

Sardu runs an "Off-off Broadway" theater in the slums of New York City called The Theater Of The Macabre. A typical evening at the theater offers up real life murder on stage. Women have their hands sawed off, eyeballs plucked out, heads squished in old-time torture devices and the audience has the privilege of believing it is all an act. Little do they know it is very real and what goes on behind the curtain is even more depraved then the horrible tortures that the show offers.

The theater is a front for Sardu's white slavery ring. The women who fall victim as the stars of Sardu's shows are just the ones that Sardu has no longer a purpose for. The rest are just pawns in Sardu's S&M fantasy. He tortures them into making all of his fantasies become real.

Sardu's partner in crime is an African American midget with a big Afro whom goes by the name of Ralphus. Ralphus is even more demented then his master Sardu. Ralphus enjoys cooking human eyeballs for lunch, recieving oral sex from freshly severed heads and chopping the feet off of young dancers but together Sardu and Ralphus make for a pretty evil team. They use naked women as human dart boards, chop off fingers, arms and legs for amuesment and use women as furniture.

In one of the most memorable scenes a woman has all of her teeth pulled out and then has a power drill driven into her skull. Then a straw in inserted into her head and her brains are sucked out. Pretty classy stuff!
We also have a group of naked female cannibals, castration, multiple decapitations, homosexual and heterosexual necrophilia, a sledge hammer to the back of the skull, women are stretched on the rack etc. etc.
We also get plenty of sick and twisted memorable quotes "Put her to work in the bathroom. Her mouth will make an excellent urinal".

Most of Blood Sucking Freaks cast consisted of actors from the pornographic world. Ralphus himself was played by the great Luis De Jesus who got his start on the blue screen with The Anal Dwarf. He would also go on to do Let My Puppets Come, Ultra Flesh and then he would play a Ewok in Return Of The Jedi. However he is most remembered for Blood Sucking Freaks and anybody who has ever seen the movie remembers Ralphus.

Fans of movies like Hostel and Saw probably won't like this movie due to the filth and rawness that flows through it but if you have any self respect you owe it to yourself to see where guys like Eli Roth got their inspiration from.

Double Agent 73 (1974)

Doris Wishman (Nude On The Moon, Bad Girls Go To Hell) teams up with the heavy weight in breast yet again. That is Chesty Morgan. The two women did Deadly Weapons  together the same year and I guess the plan was to have an ongoing detective series with Mrs. Chesty. This of course being one of the worst ideas of all time considering after viewing Chesty in one movie the average pervert would be turned off for life. Never mind the fact that two movies would come out in the same year.

This time around Chesty Morgan is not suffocating her enemies with her melon heavy breasts. Nope, she has a camera installed into one of her tits and we get countless shots of her pressing, pushing and squeezing her utters. Naturally we get a cheesy sound effect that sounds like an old-time camera going off and presto... we have a movie.

This one actually offers up some more gruesome death since its not all suffocation scenes. It also offers up some of the strangest murder scenes ever. An evil nurse is strangled with a telephone wire. Another woman is stabbed to death in a shower scene that pays some serious homage to Psycho. Its almost identical to Hitchcock's classic shower scene with much more added breasts and blood. Next a man is blown to shit in a car explosion scene. The bomb comes in the form of lipstick. Then we get another gory scene where a man gets his face slashed up with a broken bottle but the weirdest moment in the whole movie is a scene where Chesty Morgan a.k.a. Double Agent 73 kills a man by stuffing ice cubes into his mouth. Death by ice cube?

Despite the fact that this movie surpasses Deadly Weapons in the gore department and over all weirdness, I think I still like D.W. (not Doris Wishman, Deadly Weapons) just a touch more. I find it to be just a hint more trashy.

My friends pointed out to me how miserable Chesty appears to be in Deadly Weapons and this is very true but if you think she looks depressed in that film, you just have to see her in Double Agent 73. She looks like she is constantly on the rag. She never smiles and she looks like she is either going to cry at any moment or smash the set up.

God I love Wishman! These flicks are so disturbingly unattractive and generally weird that you would have to be one boring son of a bitch to not enjoy them. Do yourself a favor and pick up the Something Weird Video double feature dvd. Chesty is waiting to torture you with her saggy breasts and her miserable face.

Black Christmas (1974)

If I were to pick the greatest slasher of all time. I would probably have to go with this one. Most would argue that Halloween is the best but I stand by Black Christmas. First off Black Christmas is really the first of its kind and set the standard for what would become a formula in the future with movies like Halloween and Friday The 13th. Secondly the story is better with twists and turns that keeps the audience on the edge of their seat.

Then there is the over all atmosphere that is Black Christmas. Back in the vhs days this movie seemed to be very dark and I used to jokingly say that it was properly titled because most of the film seemed to be black. However this is no longer the case since Black Christmas has been properly transferred onto dvd. The lighting in this movie is perfect. It shows us just enough to keep us biting our nails in suspense. The perfectly lit location makes Black Christmas a scary ride but its the cinematography and the soundtrack that really keep the heart pumping. The shoulder-cam pans through the creepy house, hinting that the killer can be in any room and the voice of the killer is brilliantly scary. The film makers uses a compilation of different shrilling voices to make the killer seem to be a sort of schizo or have multiple personalities or something of the sense. Either way its fucking creepy.

This masterpiece in 70's horror was directed by Bob Clark who previously did Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things and would go on to do the family Christmas movie that so annoying plays for 48 straight hours every year A Christmas Story. Its safe to say that nothing else that Bob Clark has done before or since has ever helled up to Black Christmas. John Saxon who just got done filming Enter The Dragon plays lieutenant Fuller who is trying to track down a killer who murdered a 13 year old girl in a park and is now terrorizing the girls of a sorority house. Amongst the girls is the beautiful Olivia Hussey (Romeo And Juliet) and Margot Kidder who just finished filming Brian De Palma's Sisters.

The killer suffocates a girl with a plastic bag which would become the memorable poster for the movie. He also kills another with a giant hook attached to a pulley system and he slashes another up with glass. There is some rape and murder that happens off screen but the true scares come from the haunting telephone calls. "Let me stick my tongue in your pretty, piggy-cunt. I'm going to kill you". The things that come out of the killer mouth is pretty sick & twisted and there is no doubt this person is a psychopath.

I have not yet seen the remake nor do I want to. This film is untouchable. 1974 was such a strong year for the horror genre. I would say Black Christmas and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre are amongst the best and neither one of them should have been remade.

The Invisible Man's Revenge (1944)

John Hall (Invisible Agent) plays the invisible man yet again. Of course the two films have no real connection as far as the plot or character goes but of course we feel compelled to compare them. I personally feel that this film is the weakest out of all of the Universal Studios Invisible Man flicks and that is mainly due to the lack of an interesting plot.

John Hall becomes invisible when he meets John Carradine who plays a mad scientist with the invisible serum. When Carradine learns that John Hall's character is a fugitive on the run he convinces him to become invisible. Of course the invisible man has no interest in science but will use his new invisibility to get revenge on everyone he feels has wronged him.

Unlike the original 1933 Invisible Man with Claude Rains, John Hall's character was already insane. In fact he murdered two people in a "Psychopath ward" with a kitchen knife. Now armed again with a sharp knife and invisible as well the man is ten times as dangerous. Carradine gets killed off by our invisible villain in a really cool scene involving a blood transfusion. The invisible man drains every last drop of blood from Carradine's body and then compares himself to Dracula (Which we all know was the Universal Studio flick that spawned all these great horror classics throughout the 30's & 40's).

Next Carradine's pet dog who was invisible in the beginning of the movie goes after the invisible man to avenge its owners death. Once the dog regains visibility it turns out to be nothing more then a German Shepard but when we couldn't see the pooch, it seemed to be the worlds scariest animal. None the less it was a pretty interesting twist to keep the invisible man on the run from an animal and pretty funny as well because John Hall's character fears no man but is terrified of Carradine's dog. For some added laughs watch for the string that is tied to the dogs fangs that pulls his head upwards for the howling-at-the-moon scenes. I know these invisible-man flicks are always jam packed with very visible strings but did they really have to go as far as to rig the dog up to one?

The Invisible Mans Revenge adds in the expected humor in a few scenes but for the most part is played very straight. I said it is the weakest film in the series but it is also a very strong series so its still a fun watch and better then most of the Universal Dracula and Frankenstein sequels.  In other words, The Invisible Mans Revenge is still worth a watch for fans of the series.

Bizarre (1970)

As you can tell by the poster above, this thing originally went under the title of Secrets Of Sex but I prefer the video title because Bizarre is exactly what we have here. Its one strange piece of cinema and if I didn't know any better that this thing came from England I would definitely believe that this is a movie from mars. I suppose we could always combine both titles and call it Bizarre Secrets Of Sex. I would say that title would suit it best.

Bizarre is not your run of the mill sexploitation flick. It was directed by Antony Balch who most would remember best for his Michael Gough slash-em-up flick Horror Hospital but he also did a bunch of really weird artsy-fartsy stuff like Towers Open fire and The Cut-Ups with William S. Burroughs. Those Burroughs flicks are really fucking Bizarre and doesn't make much sense for normal folk.

Bizarre on the other hand plays like a typical sexploitation flick from the 70's but throws in all the crazy hippie-dellic and artsy-fartsy stuff to keep it unique and separate it from the seemingly endless supply of nudie-cuties. First off Bizarre is an anthology film which in narrated by a thousand year old mummy. The mummy is fucking awesome and his appearance automatically makes Bizarre a strange watch but once he starts telling his stories the movie just gets weirder and weirder.

We get a crazy introduction to the sexes. That is male and female and the on going struggle that both sexes encounter throughout life. We get sexy Go-Go babes having rotten fruits and vegetables thrown at them from machine gun wielding men. The rotten fruits are smashed between their large breasts and their sexy go-go undies. The girls are packing straight razors and get us ready for some violent orgy action or at least for some of the madness that is in store for the viewer.

One of the better stories offers up some nasty S&M and tells of a man who is tortured by a female photographer and her sexy assistant who want realism in their photos. The man is chained up to a weighted device that pulls him down onto a sharp blade that cuts through his genitals. The man bleeds to death and the women get the photo they have been waiting for.

Another tells of a woman who carries a Bizarre genetic disease and gives birth to something that looks like a cross between the baby in Combat Shock and Eraserhead.

Then we have a story about a female cat burglar who breaks into a mans house and when caught bribes the man with a night full of sex and bathes. She of course blackmails the guy and gets away with the goods anyway. This story offers up some leather, whips and a hot brunette. Then theres a story about a female secret agent who gives plenty of up-skirt shots complete with white cotton panties.

Then we get another weird one about a woman who traps the souls of her ex-lovers inside plants. She of course waters them daily and speaks upon them with fond memory. She meats her fate with some strangulation in her own green house.      Perhaps the most Bizarre story in the whole movie follows a young hippie who calls for a prostitute and ends up in a strange parallel world filled with giant dinosaurs. Don't ask... Your guess is as good as mine. I'm not sure what it all means but I do know it all makes for a very strange watch and I wouldn't expect anything less from Antony Balch. Aside from how Bizarre it all is, Secrets Of Sex was done beautifully with some really interesting lighting, camera angels and sets alike. I would assume that the average Joe who went to see some quick tits and ass in the local smut-house was quite taken once this thing started rolling. 

Apparently upon its theatrical release Bizarre Secrets Of Sex was cut down by 9 minutes but fortunately for us it is available in its uncut form on dvd and I recommend picking yourself up a copy.  

                                      

Penitentiary (1979)

Awesome blaxploitation film that takes place almost entirely inside a prison. Written and directed by Jamma Fanaka (Soul Vengeance, Penitentiary 2) and tells the tale of a black man named Too Sweet who is imprisoned after being attacked by two bikers and killing one in self defense. Naturally the fight happens amongst white folk and since this is the 70's its safe to say they were racist white folk.

This jail is full of some crazy motha-fuckers. Upon Too Sweet's arrival to the big house he encounters some nutty bastards. One of them keeps lit cigarettes in his ear, not behind his ear... In his ear, and asks fellow cellmates for a "light". Then we get this crazy dude who covers his face with shaving cream and in a fit of rage demands to see the jail-house-punks ass. Things get worse from here on when Too Sweet's manhood is threatened by the degenerate rapist who bunks with him. Apparently in prison you should never except a candy bar from a cellmate because this means they are going to take your man-ass by force. Too Sweet being the bad-ass mother fucker that he is kicks the shit out of the rape-happy, candy bar guy and makes it known that he ain't nobodies bitch.

Next Too Sweet befriends a coward and teaches him to stand up for himself. This brings a whole world of trouble for Too Sweet and it becomes apparent that his stay in the big-house is going to be a rough ride with many enemy's.

Eventually Penitentiary turns into a boxing movie that makes Rocky look like The Sound Of Music. A boxing league is formed and the winner gets to spend the night with a woman. There are some good looking chocolate mama's in this flick and we do get some naked flesh. The fight scenes are pretty cool as well and while its not quite Raging Bull, Penitentiary makes for a good knock-em-out flick. We also get some awesomely typical blaxploitation dialogue and the big life affirming speech comes from an old man who has spent almost his entire life behind bars. There is also a bit of an unexpected twist in the plot which was nice to see and makes Penitentiary perhaps just a step above the average 70's blaxploitation film.

Apparently the sequel is even more entertaining on a much more exploitative level but I have not yet seen that one. However it is on the list of things to watch before I die and the sooner the better. This movie makes prison look scarier then any other with the exception of maybe Zombie Death House and if I learned anything it is to keep your ass out of jail.

Barfly (1987)

Americas favorite drunkard Charles Bukowski writes what is somewhat of an autobiography here. Okay maybe he is Americas second favorite boozer, under Hunter S. Thompson and what Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas was to Thompson, Barfly is to Bukowski.

Mickey Rourke takes on the role of a half dead Barlfy named Chinaski (but you can call him Bukowski if you like) who lives by the golden rules of drink, fight and write. He is an author who has gone unnoticed until some high society bimbo discovers his work and tracks him down. When she finds him she is appalled to learn that such beautiful writing came from such a distraught man. He truly lives on the fringes of society, roaming the filthy city streets and drinking away his liver in sleazy bars filled with prostitutes and other fellow wastes of life. "Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a drunk. It takes endurance." This movie is just chock full of great and memorable quotes.

Fay Dunaway (Bonnie And Clyde) plays Rourke's girlfriend. She is also an alcoholic and a bit of a lunatic but Dunaway fans will be pleased to know that she does show some nipples in a bathtub scene.

Things get really bad for Chinaski when he learns that his girlfriend went home with his worst enemy played by Frank Stallone. Barfly opens up with a fist fight behind the pub between Stallone and Rourke and it also closes out with yet another fight between the two. Not to mention that we get some more drunken fisticuffs between them in the middle.

Barfly is totally a mans movie and would definitely appeal more to a male audience. I think there are two main audiences for this film. The first being Charles Bukowski fans and the second being anyone who likes to drink a lot. "I need a drink like a spider needs a fly". Of course Mickey Rourke fans will also be drawn in as well but there is a level of philosophy that runs with the madness of Barfly that only a true drunk can appreciate. So grab your liquid of choice and step into Bukowski's world. After all any movie that opens up with this line "Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." has to be good.

Deadly Weapons (1974)

Rest in peace Doris Wishman. The world will never know another quite like you. Female exploiter Doris Wishman is remembered for many of her oddities like Nude On The Moon and Another Day Another Man. This is another that comes to mind when I think of the lunacy of Doris Wishman flicks.

There were a lot of very unattractive sexploitation films in the 70's but this one really takes the cake. It stars Chesty Morgan, the girl with a 73 inch bust and these swinging utters will definitely grab the attention from anyone watching but may also cause nausea. Chesty struts around in some of the most un-sexy outfits to ever hit celluloid. Even the opening credits which were shot through strange fishbowl lenses and through round mirrors is an almost immediate warning that Deadly Weapons is going to be a journey into the weird and I'm sure all the twisted perverts in the theater seats zipped their pants back up knowing that there will not be anything sexually stimulating about this movie. Just wait till you see Chesty walking around in her giant pantyhose with breast-a-swinging.

With that said Deadly Weapons is high entertainment for anybody who loves the strange days of cinematic exploitation. Chesty seeks revenge on some lowlife mobsters who knock off her boyfriend with a knife to the guts. The scene does offer up a bit of the red stuff for all you gore hounds out there but that is the extent of bloodletting that you will get from this 70's sickie. It just so happens that Chesty's weapon of choice is her giant breasts. She suffocates the bad guys with their face between her jugs. What an awful way to go!

As if this isn't cool enough we also get Dr. Deep Throat himself. Mr. Harry Reems as one of the mobsters who meets his fate within the cleavage of Mrs. Morgan. Deadly Weapons would be unleashed only one year after The Devil In Miss Jones and Reems is great as usual.
His mustache appears to be slightly bigger then normal and he even plays with it on film, so keep an eye out for that.

Aside from Reems we also have a mobster with an eye patch who they call captain hook. If only he had a peg-leg then we would really be in business.

Another nice addition is the fact that Deadly Weapons shares the same soundtrack as Torso, the great Italian, euro-trash, giallo about a "Psycho-Sexual-Mind" who roams the streets of Italy and strangles beautiful women with a scarf and then saws into their naked bodies. Unfortunately D.W. doesn't have any dismemberment and perhaps that's why Chesty looks so miserable through the whole film.

I on the other hand love this movie and smile the whole way through. Check it out for heavy melons with invisible nipples and some yucky 70's underwear. This thing was shot back to back with Double Agent 73 another Wishman & Morgan collaboration. I wonder if Chesty smiles in that one.

The Last Shark (1981)

This Italian Jaws ripoff typically goes under a million different titles. Here are some of the alternate English titles The Last Jaws, Great White, Jaws Returns, Shark (Not to be confused with the Sam Fuller film of the same title). My reason for giving the alternate titles is to make it easier for you to dig up this movie. Its a must see.

Directed by Enzo G. Castellari (Keoma, The Inglorious Bastards) and staring James Franciscus (The Cat O' Nine Tails, Killer Fish) and Vic Morrow (Black Board Jungle, Twilight Zone : The Movie).

What we get is a over the top Italian take on Jaws. There for in my opinion its better then the original and way better then all the shitty sequels. Personally not being the biggest fan of Spielberg's film in the first place due to the fact that its mostly drama and lacks in gore and general shark-fu, I have shyed away from the Italian ripoffs for far to long. Big mistake!

First off we get a way bigger shark. This thing is fucking huge! Secondly these Italian sharks blast people from the water in what looks like giant explosions. Naturally the actors turn to dummy's when they are launched twenty feet into the air but when they come crashing down to the water they are mauled and usually partially eaten by the most hungry shark in cinematic history.

The best part is that this shark doesn't even seem to want to just feed itself. It seems to have a grudge against people and does its best to terrorize, and mangle anyone who gets to close to the water. In one of the best moments the shark bites a mans legs off who is hanging from a helicopter and then brings the chopper down into the water with it.

Castellari uses the perfect mix of stock footage (which surprisingly worked very well) with his own brand of special effects.

I think Joe Bob Briggs said it best when he said "Spielberg makes movies for mom not dad" I couldn't agree more and I'm sure Briggs would agree that Castellari makes bad-ass movies for pop and not mom.

Check this thing out to see Vic Morrow survive one more helicopter crash and go to war with the biggest, baddest shark of em all. The Last Shark has some truly funny moments that will have you scratching your head and wondering if your eyes are playing tricks on you. Then in the next moment offers up dismemberment and gore galore.