Bizarre (1970)

As you can tell by the poster above, this thing originally went under the title of Secrets Of Sex but I prefer the video title because Bizarre is exactly what we have here. Its one strange piece of cinema and if I didn't know any better that this thing came from England I would definitely believe that this is a movie from mars. I suppose we could always combine both titles and call it Bizarre Secrets Of Sex. I would say that title would suit it best.

Bizarre is not your run of the mill sexploitation flick. It was directed by Antony Balch who most would remember best for his Michael Gough slash-em-up flick Horror Hospital but he also did a bunch of really weird artsy-fartsy stuff like Towers Open fire and The Cut-Ups with William S. Burroughs. Those Burroughs flicks are really fucking Bizarre and doesn't make much sense for normal folk.

Bizarre on the other hand plays like a typical sexploitation flick from the 70's but throws in all the crazy hippie-dellic and artsy-fartsy stuff to keep it unique and separate it from the seemingly endless supply of nudie-cuties. First off Bizarre is an anthology film which in narrated by a thousand year old mummy. The mummy is fucking awesome and his appearance automatically makes Bizarre a strange watch but once he starts telling his stories the movie just gets weirder and weirder.

We get a crazy introduction to the sexes. That is male and female and the on going struggle that both sexes encounter throughout life. We get sexy Go-Go babes having rotten fruits and vegetables thrown at them from machine gun wielding men. The rotten fruits are smashed between their large breasts and their sexy go-go undies. The girls are packing straight razors and get us ready for some violent orgy action or at least for some of the madness that is in store for the viewer.

One of the better stories offers up some nasty S&M and tells of a man who is tortured by a female photographer and her sexy assistant who want realism in their photos. The man is chained up to a weighted device that pulls him down onto a sharp blade that cuts through his genitals. The man bleeds to death and the women get the photo they have been waiting for.

Another tells of a woman who carries a Bizarre genetic disease and gives birth to something that looks like a cross between the baby in Combat Shock and Eraserhead.

Then we have a story about a female cat burglar who breaks into a mans house and when caught bribes the man with a night full of sex and bathes. She of course blackmails the guy and gets away with the goods anyway. This story offers up some leather, whips and a hot brunette. Then theres a story about a female secret agent who gives plenty of up-skirt shots complete with white cotton panties.

Then we get another weird one about a woman who traps the souls of her ex-lovers inside plants. She of course waters them daily and speaks upon them with fond memory. She meats her fate with some strangulation in her own green house.      Perhaps the most Bizarre story in the whole movie follows a young hippie who calls for a prostitute and ends up in a strange parallel world filled with giant dinosaurs. Don't ask... Your guess is as good as mine. I'm not sure what it all means but I do know it all makes for a very strange watch and I wouldn't expect anything less from Antony Balch. Aside from how Bizarre it all is, Secrets Of Sex was done beautifully with some really interesting lighting, camera angels and sets alike. I would assume that the average Joe who went to see some quick tits and ass in the local smut-house was quite taken once this thing started rolling. 

Apparently upon its theatrical release Bizarre Secrets Of Sex was cut down by 9 minutes but fortunately for us it is available in its uncut form on dvd and I recommend picking yourself up a copy.