Friday, December 31, 2010

TerrorVision (1986)

Yes its a play on words. Yes its about a monster that comes out of the television. Yes its 80's and yes its as stupid as could be. I first saw this one when I was in my early teens and I was pretty certain that I would never have to sit through it again. Well I was wrong and I hated it just as much the second time around, if not more. You really do have to be a silly bastard to like these 80's horror flicks. They are always more of a comedy then a horror movie and they are so painful to watch.
TerrorVision stars cult icon Mary Woronov as a swinging wife who walks around in bad 80's spandex. Mary doesn't show any flesh in this one and its no surprise. Despite the R rating, TerrorVision is basically a children's movie with a big stupid monster thrown in it. How this thing got a R rating is beyond me. Woronov was pretty busy at the time of this release and she had much better films coming out the same year. Chopping Mall for instance, was released the same year and offers much more for the average horror fanatic. Sure Chopping Mall is still cheesy but its a nice camp level of cheese, complete with bare breasts and head explosions. None of which is offered up in TerrorVision. The only decent scene in TerrorVision is probably a nice gore scene where grandpa has his head crushed by the monster and green slime pours from the crushed face. Aside from that we get a shitty 80's hair-rocker, a dumb bimbo who looks a little to much like Cyndi Lauper, a young kid who runs around in army gear preparing for a war and a grandpa character who cracks really lame jokes. If you like really crappy comedies with monsters in it I suppose this is your movie. I on the other hand want as far away from this thing as possible.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Ghost Writer (2010)

Roman Polanski's newest film to date stars Ewan McGregor as a author of a politicians upcoming autobiography. Once the memoirs are handed over the new author finds himself unravelling a mystery that could have him killed.
Polanski is on point with his direction and the camera work is nice as well. The Ghost Writer also builds suspense on top of more suspense but where the film falls short is in the action. It follows such a boring subject matter that the tension and suspense is reacted to with yawns. Its pretty hard to care about any of the characters because they are all boring politicians. Even when we think a murderer might be at large its almost as if we wish for him to come and kill the main character because nothing interesting is happening.
I suppose this is why I watch horror movies and not thrillers... Very boring!

The Tormentors (1974)

The director that gave us garbage like The Mighty Gorga and Monsters Crash The Pajama Party takes a chance on a Biker Exploitation film. Good thing he chose such a undemanding genre because The Tormentors (as usual) is a total piece of trash.
After a man learns that his girlfriend was raped and killed by a neo nazi, biker gang he chooses to find his way into the gang with one thing on his mind... Kill Kemp, the leader of the gang. If that's not a weak-ass regurgitated plot, I don't know what is. The Tormentors is a mess of a movie and its completely unintentionally hilarious. Lovers of bad movies might enjoy this one to a certain degree but I on the other hand found it to be lame, boring and a weak exploitation flick.
The gang itself goes by the name of the fourth riche and theres only four of these clowns including Kemp the leader, Yet for some reason in one scene they threw in a few extras in the janitor suits with the swastika armbands. Its pretty confusing in the movie and it just makes you wish there really were more gang members. This however is not as confusing as the constant change in accents. Kemp has a thick German accent in some scenes and then in others he speaks like a street kid from New York. Kemp isn't the only one who changes his accent either. We have some other loser who has a thick southern accent one minute and then sounds like a Yankee the next. Then we get this really embarrassing scene involving a bazooka. One of the Nazi bikers points a bazooka at a cop car and pulls the trigger. We hear a bang and then the film cuts to the cop car with a bunch of guys laying down next to the cop car but the car just has its hood open with a bit of steam coming off the engine, signifying that the car was hit with the rocket. What the hell is that? They couldn't even set a small fire on the car to attempt to make the scene believable? They really want me to believe that these guys were thrown from the cop car and there is no damage done to the vehicle? Well I didn't buy it and that scene pissed me off so bad that I couldn't even laugh. We get one inept scene after another and after a while it gets a bit old. The film also includes one soft (very soft) rape scene and a strangulation by Swastika armband. Some pretty girls running around in Nazi uniforms, the slightest bit of nudity, gratuitous hippie dancing, a Jesus who goes to jail and some very tame torture. Don't waste you're time on this one. There are plenty of Swastika clad biker gang films out there and this one just doesn't cut it. Ill take Born Losers over The Tormentors any day.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Mush And Milk (1933)

This time the gang are Orphans at Bleak Hill and the name suits the place fine. It is ran by a old hag who's face is pretty grotesque and would have worked perfectly in a horror movie. The kids are yelled at constantly, forced to do chores and even threatened to be whipped.
So naturally the Rascals aren't the happiest we have seen them. They spend most of the time complaining and discussing what it will be like when they get out of Bleak Hill. They speak briefly of their parents and yet again Stymie's pappy is in prison.
On the brighter side of things Our Gang does have a friend in the building. A old man looks after them and gives them their education. He also tells them that some day when his money comes in he will get the whole gang out of Bleak Hills and they will live like royalty. Until then the Rascals go on with their harsh days of cleaning, cooking and freezing at night.
Stymie really steals the show in this one and he has some pretty funny bits. The most memorable is a scene where he is attempting to milk a cow. He comes up with the idea to attach a vacuum cleaner hose to the cows utter and suck the milk out. The plan goes well until he accidentally spills the bucket of milk. How will the gang get their Mush And Milk without any milk? No worries Stymie puts together a concoction of plaster and water. Once the gang sits down to eat, the mush solidifies, leaving Stymie dumbfounded.
Of course Spanky has his time in front of the camera. He answers phones, cracks jokes during class and even gives a speech but I really feel that this short goes to Stymie. This rather bleak instalment in the Our Gang series does have a happy ending (sort of). The kids teacher does get his money and he does take the kids away from the awful Bleak Hills. The kids go to the amusement park and then to a fine restaurant. The only problem is, they are served Mush And Milk.

The Kid From Borneo (1933)

Years later this Our Gang short would be removed from the Little Rascals television syndicate due to racism in the content. In this 18 minute talkie Spanky's uncle, known as the black sheep of the family is in town. Spanky's parents fear that he will show up at the house and its obvious that he isn't welcome when dad states if he shows up here "I'll punch his head". Meanwhile a savage from the local circus sideshow has escaped and finds his way to Spanky's house.
The savage comes complete with horns and feathers on his head with a bone through his nose and he has a big appetite. The gang mistakes the brute for Spanky's uncle and believe him to be a cannibal because he runs around yelling "Yum! Yum! Eat Em Up!". The gang has to fend for themselves and they go to war with the cannibal. There are some funny bits while the savage chases the kids throughout the house with a big kitchen knife. Spanky shoots the brute in the ass over and over again with fireworks while the others brake flower pots over his head. Spanky has the best lines in this one, especially in one bit where he tells the cannibal not to eat him. When he asked why not he replies "I wouldn't taste good, my mom says I'm spoiled". The Kid From Borneo does have its share of what most would consider racist today. Mainly bits of dialogue from Stymie. Still I find it ridiculous how sensitive people are with all their politically correct nonsense. These shorts date back to the silent era and this was just how people talked back then. The Our Gang films were not politically correct on any level. You would never see a child being chased around by a cannibal with a kitchen knife today. Does this mean that child protection groups should deam this piece of nostalgia offensive? Of course not!

Anaxtasia - La Principessa Stuprata (1999)

Part of an Italian series of pornographic movies knows as the Anaxtasia series from director Luca Damiano, not to be mistaken for the kind of golden age smut (Deep Throat) Gerard Damiano. Luca is mainly known for the hardcore films that he did with Joe D'Amoto and his Anaxtasia films but if the others in the series are anything like this one its just a damn shame.
The version that I picked up was completely uncut but it was also in Italian with no subtitles so it was pretty hard for me to understand what was going on. What I could make out was a French princess explaining her sexual experience during the French Revolution.
In the earlier part of the film two girls are raped and beaten by three men. This was the only entertaining scene in the whole movie. Mainly because the rape scene was slightly disturbing and of course the rape victims enjoy the gang rape after being tossed around a bit. We also get a very strange choice for a soundtrack considering this is a porn, lots of slow motion and some artsy camera work.
Unfortunately the one rape scene isn't enough to make this movie even slightly enjoyable. Stay away from this one. I'm gonna stick with Gerard Damiano's stuff for now on.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Phantom Of The Opera (1925)

This is the one that the great Lon Chaney is most remembered for and its understandable. His makeup for Erik, The Phantom is horrifying even by today's standards. When people went to see this thing in 1925 it must have scared the crap out of them. Chaney being a master in makeup came up with the deformed face all on his own and apparently it was his most uncomfortable face of all time.
He used a wire that went from under the bridge of his nose to up and around the back of his head, for a sort of pig snout. He used a sticky putty type substance on his forehead to lift certain parts of the skin and cause wrinkles in others. He even went as far as to put egg membrane on his eyeballs to give off a vacant, cloudy look. His eyes appear to be sunken in and his cheek bones protrude. This nasty face is the very essence of Chaney's character Erik and his contempt for people.
Erik or the Phantom hides deep within the cellars of the opera house (I believe in the movie he states that he is more then five cellars down). Man has condemned him for his awful appearance and his hatred has grown over the years in his isolation. The people of the opera house believe him to be a sort of ghost who appears, chooses a victim, strangles them and disappears. Very few have caught a glimpse of the so called phantom but most never live to describe him.
Once again Chaney plays a man scorned by love. He is betrayed by a young opera singer named Christine. Once he realizes that she is like everyone else and will never love him back he unleashes his hatred on her and the people of the opera house.
I personally love Chaney in this one because the character of Erik is slightly more sadistic then usual. He strangles people, attempts to set them on fire, he drowns people, drops giant chandeliers on Innocent people in the opera house seats and even tries to blow the whole house up which will result in the death of hundreds and all the while the audience can almost slightly sympathize with him.
Phantom Of The Opera is a little bit on the long side, especially for the 20's. I believe the full uncut version clocks in at around 110 minutes. A segment of the film was shot in color. It was one of the earliest films to use color at all and it really keeps the film moving along because its just so strange. The technicolor scene shows the Phantom at a masqurade party dressed as a skeleton in a red cape, holding a cane with a skull for a handle. I suppose this is supposed to be a reference to Masque Of The Red Death. Anyway the color scene seems to come out of nowhere and its over before long but apparently the original technicolor print had 17 minutes of color footage but the prints are long lost. The only color footage remaining today is this masquerade party.
Its amazing to think that horror films were taken seriously back in the day. Serious enough for a studio to allow for one of the earliest examples of color. Today horror flicks are almost throw aways. Its to bad these classic historical films have missing reel's and many films are lost completely but the new garbage that people put out today will be here till the end of time.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Entrails Of A Beautiful Woman (1986)

Entrails Of A Beautiful Woman also know as Guts Of A Beauty is the ultra perverse follow up to Entrails Of A Virgin or Guts Of A Virgin. The sequel surpasses the first film on every level and gets so high up on the sleaze-o-meter that a shower is strongly recommended after each viewing. This truly is a sick flick in every sense of the word sick. What we get is a 68 minute sit through of extremely graphic sex, rape and over the top gore & violence.
Trash cinema fanatics like myself couldn't ask for much more. Although the pubic hair law was still in full affect in 1986 Guts Of A Beauty has some pretty erotic scenes with a almost believable fake penis blow job scene and flying sperm. The only thing is its a bit hard to recover from the brutality of the rape scenes in time to enjoy a sex scene. In that way, Entrails totally rapes the senses and can only be enjoyed by the toughest most jaded of viewers.

Guts Of A Beauty becomes one of the most warped rape/revenge films I have ever seen. Aside from some genitals and pubic hair the camera holds nothing back in the nasty rape scenes. We get blood running down the rape victims legs and some nasty stains on the mattress.
The story is basically about a girl who is drugged and raped by a Yakuza gang. The girl manages to escape to a hospital where she commits suicide in front of a female doctor. The doctor decides to avenge the dead girl by killing off the Yakuza but things don't go the way the doctor planned and she finds her self in the very same situation, being drugged, raped and murdered. Some how the dead doctor comes back as a disgusting bloody mess of a monster with a mutant penis with some sharp teeth and a giant gaping vagina.
The monster looks like a cross between Pumpkinhead and skinless Frank from Hellraiser. The monster kills off Yakuza gang members one by one in various perverse and gory ways. One girl is raped with the sharp toothed penis and the mutant pecker pops through her chest like a monster out of Alien. Another guy has his face shoved up the hermaphroditic monsters vagina and he suffocates. When his head is removed from the monstrous-vag he is covered in a thick steaming slime. One guy is shot and then has a rod shoved into the bullet wound. Next he is chained to a wall and chopped to pieces. The most impressive gore scene is probably when a guy gets half decapitated. Its a god damn bloody mess.
Guts Of A Beauty isn't for everyone but for all us sickies out there who like nasty rape revenge flicks and silly monster movies this one is the answer.
Quote of the movie "Make your pussy a question mark.". Ill just let you dwell on that until you watch the movie.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Doomed To Die (1940)

Doomed To Die is the last in a series of six detective films known as the Mr. Wong series. Boris Karloff plays a Chinese detective named Mr. Wong ( and it really is as ridiculous as it sounds) who is trying to solve the murder of a wealthy businessman. I'm pretty sure this is the only Mr. Wong film I have seen but apparently all of them with the exception of one stars Karloff. Karloff does a good job as always but he is so obviously British and so obviously not Chinese that I found it kind of hard not to laugh at him. Aside from a few scenes in China Town there really is no reason or need for a Chinese detective. If they decided to make Karloff Pakistani, it wouldn't have changed the story much at all. Yet it all makes much more sense when you look at the crew. Doomed To Die was directed by William Nigh, the same moron who did Black Dragons with Bela Lagosi as a Nazi plastic surgeon.
Aside from the fact that Karloff doesn't look Asian, Doomed To Die is somewhat interesting. Its a mix between a comedy & a mystery and it really keeps you guessing till the end. I wont go as far as to say its a good movie (after all it is a William Nigh film) but it isn't awful either. Worth a watch for Karloff fans who can dig old time mysteries.

Sorority Sister Slaughter (2007)

Wow this sucked! Sorority Sisters Slaughter is a tale of a girl who bleeds to death during an abortion gone wrong with a knitting needle in a bathtub at a sorority house back in the 50's. 46 years later the old sorority house is bought by a group of girls and they are killed one by one by the ghost of abortion-girl.
Sorority Sister Slaughter's cast is predominately black and although the acting could have been much worse its pretty ridiculous watching these actors try to pull off a scene set in the 50's. From the girls straightened hair to the African American jocks and their sarcastic mannerisms it comes off like modern day, just shot in black & white.
On the other hand, the abortion scene was cool. I found it slightly disturbing watching the teary eyed, desperate girl attempt to de-fetus herself with a knitting needle. The bath water turns a murky dark color and the camera lingers on the girl who is bleeding to death in front of us. From the opening credits I knew this was going to be a bad one but this scene gave me a sort of false hope that maybe I was in store for something half way decent. Oh how wrong I was...
Jump forward to modern day and we get a bunch of uninteresting characters and a really shitty hip hop soundtrack. As if the music wasn't bad enough the movie had some of the worst lighting I have ever seen and I'm not talking bad 80's slasher film lighting where everything is to dark to see. I'm talking bright red, green, blue and purple lighting. At first I thought the crew were going for a sort of Dario Argento style lighting but it was so over done it becomes strenuous on the eyes. Most of the time I was staring at the strangely lit screen wondering how they were trying to justify the source of the bizarre lights. It wasn't until close to the end of the movie that I realized that the electricity was supposed to be out and the house was supposed to be lit by candles. This just made me more angry. I have never seen a candle cause a room to glow green and purple.
Aside from the shitty lighting, we have these endless scenes of the ghost chasing people around the house with what seems like the same shriek looped into shot after shot. The murder scenes are all pretty dull aside from this one completely unintentionally hilarious death by basketball scene. A girl is hit in the face with a basketball (and no her head doesn't explode. this isn't Deadly Friend.) and she falls to the ground. The murderous ghost then dribbles the ball on her her face. This scene seems to go on for way to long and every time the ball comes crashing down on the victims face we get more and more blood.
Then the captain of the cheer leading team has a trophy shoved down her throat and blood pours down into her busty cleavage. I sense a bit of animosity here, especially because the writer/director is a woman. All the other murders are relatively boring and the movie just seems to go on and on.
Aside from the basketball murder sequence, a death by bong and the bloody bathtub scene there is absolutely nothing entertaining about this movie. Sorority Sister Slaughter is just one big abortion. Skip this one and watch Black Christmas again.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Bonny & Clide (2010)

Nicholas Steele is a well praised director in the modern porn industry. Mainly for the quality of his work and his movies are considered to be big budget in the adult film world. His latest film BATFXXX : Dark Night Parody (Which I haven't gotten around to yet) is supposed to be filled with explosions and computer graphics that are passable for today's mindless generation. I see the talent that Steele possesses. His movies look good, the acting is passable for these types of movies and he chooses to make movies with some sort of a story. Still I can't say that I am a fan of his work. I find Nicholas Steele to be a trendy asshole with no balls, who makes movies for other trendy assholes. If you are such a talented director, do something different. Why jump on every trendy bandwagon that comes along? The answer is because whether or not the man is talented, he is still just a business man. He will never be an artist because he chooses money over art.
Bonnie & Clyde (1967) is a childhood favorite of mine. I loved the Barrow Gang and the shoot-out violence. I also remember being sexually aroused by Bonnie (Faye Dunaway) in many scenes. Especially in the beginning of the film when she is laying around naked in the a hot room and Warren Beaty is bellow her window, plotting to steal her mothers car. I always felt that Bonnie & Clyde was a very sexually charged film and I guess I'm not the only one since they now did a hardcore remake. I have to admit I was a bit surprised when I saw the familiar scene in the 2010 porn version. I was a bit excited at first to see more flesh in a scene that turned me on as a kid. The camera took many of the same shots from the 67 classic (again showing talent from Mr. Steele) but botched it all up with some dull acting and lack of inspiration on the dumb blond who plays Bonnie.
Bonny & Clide (2010) has great costumes, very pretty women and some really great hardcore action but the movie is entirely to long. It clocks in somewhere around 4 hours and 15 minutes. The movie is so long because the sex scenes are way to long. There is hardly any story to the film and as usual with these hardcore parodies the plot seems rushed for the next sex scene. Almost every sex scene is a orgy and most of the girls are blond with big fake tits and tattoos, which may bother some who are seeing these great costumes and picturing a period piece. The tattoos didn't bother me much but I am never a fan of the big titted Barby doll porn stars that were so popular in the 90's.
There is one really cool orgy where Bonny & Clide stroll into a poor village and give the people money. Bonny reads her classic ballad very poorly and the peasants have a big fuck fest. This scene mainly stuck out for me because it looked like they used amatures instead of stars and one girl in particular really went all the way for this scene. If she isn't a star yet, I can see her getting big in the near future because she does it all and with much devotion. Aside from this orgy Bonny & Clide gets repetitive fast and although I am against the fast forward button, it is necessary for this one. There is no way I'm gonna sit through four hours of sex. All in all I found this thing to be a big waste of time and its to bad because I know that if Mr. Steele would stop sucking mainstream dick, he could probably make something interesting. Instead he offers big budget fuck-tapes with sex scenes that are way to long and disguises it with some fancy costumes and a under par plot.
Why would you want to remake a movie like Bonnie & Clyde and not even attempt to make the bloody ending worth watching. The ending was the biggest disappointment. Whats next Casablanca the XXX version?

Ultra Flesh (1980)

Remember when filmmakers actually put some thought into pornography and tried to come up with something original? Well it doesn't get much more original then Ultra Flesh. This 1980 porn flick is a sci/fi comedy with all kinds of crazy happenings.
The people of Earth have become impotent due to a diabolical alien named Mr. Sugarman (Jamie Gillis) from the planet "Freon". Sugarman has contaminated the worlds sugar supply leaving the Earthlings in a limber state. Seka plays a sort of super hero alien named Ultra Flesh who cures intergalactic problems through penetration. It is up to Seka to save the people of Earth from the evil Mr. Sugarman.
Seka or Ultra Flesh shoots laser beams from her red hot pussy at the nearest male crotch causing them to become erect once again, While Jamie Gillis is able to freeze people with his ice cold cock. Sugarman & Seka have a sort of showdown or fuck-down to the death. Will Seka's red hot pussy melt Gillis's frozen member or will Sugarman leave her looking like a ice cube? I won't tell you how the great battle ends.
Ultra Flesh also stars Luis De Jesus who most would remember as Ralphus the demented midget in Blood Sucking Freaks. Once again De Jesus plays a villain and this time we get to see him run off with a baby carriage and send it flying into a lake. He also performs a rape scene involving another midget and a python. De Jesus fans will not be disappointed. He has plenty of screen time where he runs around causing all sorts of trouble. In one scene he runs around under a table at a diner party and performs some oral sex on the ladies. John Leslie & Ron Jeremy both show up in this one and we get a good performance from both of them.
Some of the other highlights you have to look forward to is a political conference between world leaders in a bumper-car match, A big fat naked woman rolling down hills and running nude through the snow. A perverted farmer who chases his livestock around with an erection, a bunch of strange looking alien dudes, A giant exploding penis on wheels, A cool 70's esque orgy involving midgets, bondage and whips, occasional artsy camera work and a unique soundtrack.
If ya ever wondered what it would be like if Star Trek had some hardcore sex in it. Your answer is right here. Check it out for some strange intergalactic sex with Seka & Gillis.

Monday, December 13, 2010

The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)

The Brain That Wouldn't Die is one of the all time great trash films. It has everything from brain surgery to decapitated heads that talk. This classless trash flick is about a mad scientist named Bill who has a new serum that he is using for his human transplant experiments. Bill finds a new and more personal use for his serum when his soon to be wife is decapitated in a car crash. The crash scene on its own is hilarious. Bill is thrown from the drivers seat and lands near by in the woods. He runs back to the car that is now in flames and the camera takes an angle through a shattered window with flames blazing. We then see Bill's fiance's arm extend out towards the broken window for help. Bill takes his jacket off and sticks it inside the burning car and wraps his girls head in it and runs off. I can't help but wonder if he pulled his girlfriends head off or if she was supposed to have already been decapitated. After all only seconds earlier we see her reaching out for help. I suppose that is part of the beauty to these crazy exploitation flicks.
I have heard people call this movie boring and that statement really blows my mind because as I said the car crash, decapitation scene happens early on in the movie and from there it just gets crazier. Even before the crash we have a nice open brain surgery scene. This is all pretty nasty stuff for a early 60's flick.
Anyway once Bill gets his girls head to his laboratory he puts it in a sort of bin filled with his serum and some blood and the head begins to speak. Lets just say the bodiless head isn't exactly pleased that her brain isn't dead with the rest of her. Bill however doesn't share the same emotions and is determined to find a new body for the woman he loved. He heads for the local burlesque show where he will abduct females, kill them and take their body parts and only the best parts will suffice.
As if this wasn't all crazy enough we have a monster in a closet in Dr. Bill's lab. The monster is the failing result of Bill's earlier serum. The monster in the closet becomes telepathically connected with the talking head on the table and the monstrous duo take revenge on Bill and his deformed assistant. We actually get a surprisingly gory dismemberment scene where the monster rips the arm off of the Bill's assistant. The armless man runs up the stairs, smearing blood all over the walls. Later the monster will bite into a mans neck ripping a big chunk of flesh out, causing the man to bleed to death.
The Brain That Wouldn't Die also offers up a lingerie cat fight. A woman with a decaying face, A man with a "withered" deformed arm and a open heart surgery.
The acting is pretty bad and there is quite a bit of continuity going on in here. What else would you expect from such a classy movie.? The truth is I wish they were still making movies like this today. Who cares about acting when you have monsters, dismemberment and talking heads?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Official Friday The 13th Parody (2010)

I wanted to see this movie for two reasons. The first being that I am a fan of the Friday The 13th movies and I tend to like some of the shitty spoof, horror porn that they put out these days like The Texas Vibrator Massacre. The second reason is because I personally know Sara Sloane a.k.a. Sara Vandella. Before Sloane was a big star she was just another employee at the sex shop that I work at. So my co-workers and I tend to watch her movies when they come out.

Sara has her own section at my store and we proudly recommend her fuck-tapes to horny customers who seem interested. In return Sara is cool enough to stop by from time to time and take pictures with us (if were lucky, topless) and give us autographs and what not. The girl hasn't forgotten what it is like to be a underpaid smut peddler and we generally have a mutual respect.

However the Friday The 13th Parody let me down on every level. It has to be one of the worst hardcore horror parodies to come out yet and this is coming from a guy who isn't really a fan of the Saw movies but was able to dig the porn version.
Sara Sloane hitchhikes to Crystal Lake Nudist Camp despite the legend of Jason, a man who's penis was so big it weighed him down in the lake like a anchor where he drowned. Now Jason stalks the nudist camp and kills horny visitors with his "flesh eating jizz".
The story sounds funny on paper but comes off horrible on screen. We never get to see Jason do anything cool. He basically just walks around masturbating his huge mutant cock and then he shoots CGI jizz on our porn stars and the scene cuts away. In one part they reenact the Kevin Bacon arrow through the neck scene but it was done so poorly/quickly and with computer graphics that it would have been nice if they just left it out all together. The Parody also reenacts the scene where the councilors play stripopoly and to me this was the only intelligent reference in the whole movie. What better way to get into a hardcore sex scene then a game of strip-monopoly.
The thing that pissed me off the most was a flashback that was supposed to show how Jason died. We are supposed to be back in 1972 and it's the most modern looking scene in the whole movie. Jason is a big muscular Spanish man in a wife-beater with tattoos (ridiculous I know) and the blond bimbo is wearing thigh high hot topic boots and a Gothic mini skirt with a modern day school girl tie and a hipster hat. What the fuck! How the hell did they think this was a good idea?
To top off all this the movie had the nerve to go over the 90 minute mark and Ms. Sloane only had one sex scene. Surprisingly it was the worst sex scene in the whole crappy movie and this really surprised me because she really is good at what she does. I personally feel it was the lame dude they paired her up with but who can say. All I know is the Official Friday The 13th Parody was one big let down after another. Everything from the plot right down to the soundtrack. Don't waste your time on this one. If you feel the need to watch a 2010 xxx/horror/spoof check out Saw : A Hardcore Parody because the Official Friday The 13th Parody, officially sucks!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Killer Shrews (1959)

The Killer Shrews is one of those 50's monster movies that just never gets old. The monsters look like dogs with shag carpet draped over them with big rat tails and huge fangs. The truth is The Killer Shrews was so close to being a great movie. As ridiculous as the monsters are the movie manages to build tension and it really pulls the viewer in. I personally feel that George A. Romero was heavily influenced by this movie for his cult classic Night Of The Living Dead. The similarities between the two movies are endless. Its hard for me to believe that Romero didn't get any ideas from this movie.
Most of The Killer Shrews takes place in a house where a group of  seven people board themselves in to defend themselves against the hungry Shrews. They spend a lot of the films runtime nailing the doors and windows shut and enforcing them with furniture around the house. If a person is bitten by a Shrew they die almost instantly. (sounds familiar right?) Even the characters are pretty similar in both movies. For instance every one remembers/hates Mr. Cooper from Night Of The Living Dead. He makes all the wrong decisions and puts every bodies life at risk. Well this movie pretty much has the same character. In one scene he points a gun at our hero's back and threatens to kill him. Our hero turns around and beats the hell out of the guy and doesn't allow him to have a gun. In another scene our hero and our Mr. Cooper character are running to the house from The Killer Shrews. The Cooper character gets to the house first and locks the hero outside to be eaten by the Shrews. All of these things happen between Ben and Mr. Cooper in Night Of The Living Dead and its funny because I have never heard anyone else make reference to these very similar but very different movies. Next time I see Mr. Romero I will have to remember to ask him personally.
Influenced or not The Killer Shrews gets a lot of undeserved flack. Mystery Science Theater made fun of it and there are countless bad reviews on it. Sure its a cheesy movie but aren't all 50's monster movies cheesy? I personally love this film, even the ridiculous ending. If only our hero was black, maybe this movie would have been seen in different light. Okay probably not.

She (1982)

What the hell did I just watch? She is kind of like Mad Max on acid. There really is no plot to follow and the movie is all over the place. We get knights covered in swastika's, a robotic Frankenstein monster who's head explodes, toga wearing werewolves, barbarian babes in white panties, stinky fog, guys who wait inside wooden boxes and attack the first person to walk by, a telekinetic dude with green glowing eyes, a fat hairy transsexual in a tutu, a guy who multiplies when a body part is dismembered, naked men wrapped up like mummies and all kinds of other crazy happenings.
Quote of the movie, "This doesn't make any sense. This has nothing to do with sense". I couldn't agree more. This movie is so weirdly off the wall that I couldn't even tell if I liked it. My VHS copy is only 90 minutes but I see that there are some versions that go up to 106 min. I don't know if I would have been able to make it through anymore runtime unless of course if it involved some bare breasts because nudity was the one thing aside from a plot that the movie was missing. Only check this one out if you can dig crazy nonsensical, 80's post apocalyptic, mystical mayhem. Otherwise you're libel to lose your mind.

The Ape (1940)

This one is from the same director who did the awful Bela Lugosi mad scientist anti German film The Black Dragons and Boris Karloff's Doomed To Die. This guy doesn't have a very good track record as far as I'm concerned and I hope I don't force myself to sit through anymore of his under par films anytime in the near future. I suppose I like this film slightly more then the other two I mentioned but that's just because it has a killer gorilla running around in it. 
Yet again Boris Karloff is the star and this time he plays a mad scientist named Dr. Bernard who's new serum is supposed to help cure Polio. The only problem is that the serum is a concoction of human spinal fluid and who knows what else. Bernard has been in trouble with the law before for his strange experiments on human cadavers spinal column. He continues at his goal and his life long ambition to help a girl get out of her wheel chair and walk again. The main problem with Karloff's character in The Ape is that he is too kind. Its hard to take him as a madman when he loves children and just wants to do good for mankind. On the other hand we have a giant killer gorilla on the loose. We first see The Ape in what is probably the best scene in the movie. A man is teasing the giant ape and poking him with a stick. When a passer by sees that The Ape is being abused he yells at the man to put the stick down. The man replies "He killed my father and I'm never gonna let him forget it". Of course the man in the monkey suit strangles the idiot with the stick and breaks out of his cage. The rest of the movie is down hill and pretty boring from here. Karloff ends up saving the day in his own way but of course everybody still refers to him as mad Dr. Bernard.
The Ape can easily be skipped you wouldn't be missing much. If only I had enough respect for myself to not sit through em all.