8 1/2 (1963)

I'm going to have to watch about eight and a half trash films just to make up for this pretentious sit. 8 1/2 runs around two hours long which isn't necessarily a big problem if there is a lot going on but this one is typical of a Federico Fellini film in the sense that the visuals are nice but when it is all said and done there is very little that is memorable about the film.

La Bella Confusione was the original working title but yet again in a self indulgent act Fellini changes the title to 8 1/2 which was the number of films he directed to date. The film is as pretentious and self indulgent as the title. It plays somewhat like an autobiography for the highly praised art director.

The plot follows a director named Guido, who is getting ready to shoot his next film. Everyone is counting on him and smothering him for a little bit of information about the film. The actors, producers and camera men are all kept in the dark. The reason being... There is no film. So basically Fellini decided to make a movie about nothing. The director is surrounded by so called friends, business partners and the women he loves and betrays but he couldn't feel more confused. A large amount of the film is told through flash backs of his childhood oppressors and especially the women in his life. Still nothing makes it down on paper for the film.

Beautiful Gothic babe Barbara Steele who caught the worlds eye in Mario Bava's Black Sunday shows up as one of the many women in Guido's life. Barbara Steele always adds a few points to any film even if she is old and beaten and wheelchair bound in Caged Heat. Well she is young and lively in this one and as usual is nice to look at. Steele is just one of the many beautiful women in this movie. In one of the better scenes Guido goes into a fantasy day dream where he is surrounded by all the women he has known. They serve him and cater to his every need. I found this scene exceptionally humorous because it truly is every mans dream come true and Fellini is the only director I have ever known to capture this.

The other highlights of the film show a dancing sailor, a self afflicting gunshot to the head suicide scene, and an amazing opening sequence which shows a man stuck in a car jam. He kicks out his window and climbs to the roof of his car and he floats above all the cars in the traffic jam. He flies over the city and above the water at the beach. He has a rope tied to his foot and someone is holding the other end as if he were a kite. Then he falls down into the watter. The shot is to amazing for words. It has to be seen. How Fellini pulled it off in 1963 I'm not quite sure but it sure does make for eye candy. Now if there was somewhat more of an interesting plot and not long half hour intervals where nothing happens I might be a bigger fan of the film over all.

Cruising (1980)

1980 was one of the best years for movies made in New York City. So many edgy cult films would emerge from the big apple in this year. Cruising is one of those movies and its cult status is more then deserved. It is Al Pacino's most daring role and in my opinion Cruising is the best movie he has ever done. Scarface would come out three years later and while the budget may have gone up the guts have not.

Pacino plays an undercover cop who is looking for a killer in the gay S&M community. A real sicko who likes to slash up boys in black leather with a sharp kitchen knife. The bodies are piling up on the rivers of New York and its Pacino's job to find the guy. This means he has to dress in leather and hang around the seedy, dark underbelly of the sleazy gay clubs. The bodies keep dropping and the murder scenes are done in true slasher fashion, complete with suspense and gore but Pacino's character is changing. Something is happening inside of him and he can't control it. The violent and depraved S&M world is having a bigger impact on him then the murders themselves. We witness man on man bondage, orgies, enough leather to fill a British punk rock club, a anal fisting scene, drug use and prostitution.

Cruising is filled to the brim with other cult icons from the time. Joe Spinell who gore hounds would remember best as the psychopath who scalps hookers in the 1980 slasher Maniac shows up as a perverted corrupt cop who likes to take in gay hustlers and show them his night stick. Spinell's partner is played by Mike Star who has 185 titles to his name to date. This was his first feature but he would go on to do big shitty Hollywood stuff like Dumb & Dumber but you could also enjoy him in The Last Dragon. Karen (The Wanderers) Allen plays Pacino's girlfriend and we also get Michael Beck who played Swan in The Warriors and many more. I also could have sworn I saw Abel Ferrara in here too although I may be wrong because he is not credited. With a cultified cast like that how can you go wrong. Oh and did I mention it was written and directed by William (The Exorcist) Firedkin???

Cruising plays a lot like George C. Scott's Hardcore mixed with elements of a slasher film. Its dark, gritty and mean but it sure does hold the attention. We get one very humorous scene which I'm sure was influenced by Hardcore where a big black man wearing nothing but boots, a cowboy hat and a jockstrap smacks Al Pacino around. This movie will make the average straight male stay home where it is nice and safe. It definitely gets into the mind and doesn't leave for a while. Check it out for bundles of fags in leather jackets and a psycho killer on the loose with a fetish for gay flesh. It also sports legendary punk band The Germs on the soundtrack which is also very cool.

Oh and don't forget to wear a rubber. This ones dirty!

Born Losers (1967)

The mid 60's was the height of Biker Exploitation Films and Born Losers is amongst the best of the lot. After the success of Roger Corman's Wild Angels in 66 a whole slue of these rough-rider movies would follow.

Directed and staring Tom (Billy Jack) Laughlin as the do-gooder Indian who takes revenge against a gang of violent bikers who call themselves the Born Losers.

This is the first time Laughlin would ever play Billy Jack and Born Losers is the best of the lot. The story is strong and so is the suspense and action. Born Losers almost plays like a western with many showdown type scenes between our vengeful Indian in the cowboy hat and the losers that he goes to war with.

About five minutes into the film we are treated to some violence when the Losers kick the shit out of a smart mouth college kid in a traffic jam. They beat the kid to a bloody pulp and everyone turns the blind eye. That is except for Billy Jack. Billy grabs his riffle and shoots one of the bike riding scumbags down. The gang is locked up and so is Billy Jack. The only problem is that Billy's sentence is much worse. "Think twice next time before you help someone". Once Billy Jack is released from jail the Losers decide to make his life a living hell. They fuck with him where ever he goes, they rob his house and steal his money but he doesn't decide to battle these bastards again until they rape a lone-rider babe in a white bikini on a motorcycle played by Elizabeth James (Dirty Mary Crazy Larry).

The bikini clad biker-babe is just one of the many rape victims of the gang. The same day they rape three teenie-boppers and it makes the news. When two of the Losers are identified and caught by the police the rest of the gang terrorize the rape victims and their family.

Well enough is enough! Billy Jack has some ass to kick and it all comes together in a big showdown at the gangs clubhouse. With tire irons swinging and guns-a-blazin.

This one offers up a mute with no tongue who screams in women's faces, a dirty son of a bitch named Crabs "What do ya say we all jump in a shower together", A vice president named Child Of Christ and a bunch of other memorable characters. Achy-breaky skulls are clobbered with tire irons, motorcylces burn. We get gun violence, knife violence, a strip-tease from an "over sexed teenager". Although we do get a little bit of bare flesh this thing could have only benefited from some more nudity but hey I couldn't ask for much more from a movie rated {PG}. If this thing was released today it would clearly be rated {R}.  Still Born Losers is amongst my favorite of all biker films. Its Death Wish meets Satan's Sadists. Oh and watch for the scene between Billy Jack and Elizabeth James in the resturaunt. We get some good continuity where Elizabeth starts to say her lines and stops. Then she picks it up again.

The Old Dark House (1932)

Another masterpiece from James Whale. This one blends horror and comedy perfectly. Its almost impossible to decipher which genre the film leans more towards.

This film would be released one year after Whale's classic Frankenstein and would once again star Boris Karloff as a monster. However this time around he wasn't compiled from parts of different corpses. Instead he is a drunken mongoloid. When he gets to drinkin violence is bound to break out. Considering his brute strength this is pretty scary. However Boris Karloff isn't the only danger in the house.

When five people are caught in a horrible storm which comes complete with flooding and a mountain top avalanche, they are forced to seek shelter in The Old Dark House. They are not exactly welcomed but they are greeted in to warm up by the fire and get something to eat. While mongoloid Boris Karloff "Tips the bottle" in the kitchen a deaf woman throws mean comments around at our guests "your pretty clothes will rot and so will your pretty flesh" and her brother who most would remember as Dr. Pretorious in Bride Of Frankenstein doesn't hide his feelings of fear and contempt for the old dark house. He is also an atheist who mocks god during dinner. You gotta love how James Whale manages to throw in his anti religious views into 1930's cinema.

The stranded guests start to believe that the house is cursed when they find an old decaying man who is locked in a room towards the top of the house. The old man warns them of the dangers within the house and tells them to beware of Saul, a madman who lives in the house. Well Saul does in fact exist and he chases the guests around with knives and sets fire to the house.

Some how this morbid tale is filled with jokes and comedic characters. The comedy is never over the top and it is done just right. Its sure to get a chuckle out of you.

In the following year James Whale would continue his routine of horror with a sense of humor with The Invisible Man but unlike his Universal monster flicks The Old Dark House is still somewhat of an unseen movie. I think it is one of those movies that film makers love and even more love to pay homage to but unfortunately as far as the general public goes this movie doesn't get the notoriety that it deserves.

Thunderbolt (1995)

This Jackie Chan flick blends Kung Fu shenanigans with road racing action. Chan plays a auto mechanic who is forced into street racing with criminals after his little sister is abducted by the bad guys. The plot is weak and of course silly and since this isn't really my genre of preference I had a hard time staying focused. There were some expected cool and very dangerous stunts on display and some of the fight scenes were pretty bad-ass. One in particular shows Jackie Chan going ape-shit against his enemies with a sledge hammer but I would have to say the best scene involves chan being trapped in a metal storage room which is lifted by bulldozers. He is thrown about and any normal human being would have been a broken, mangled and or dead. Chan of course pulls through for the big race and kicks everyones ass. We also get a group of hot Asian cheerleaders in white cotton panties. Nice!

The Howling III : The Marsupials (1987)

Oh The Marsupials. This Australian sequel to the classic werewolf epic The Howling really takes the series in a new direction or maybe no direction for that matter. Scenes from The Howling III can be seen in Not Quite Hollywood : The Wild Untold Story Of Ozploitation a documentary that shows the history of Australian exploitation cinema and how strange and far out the movies really were.

The Howling III is no exception to the rule. It is wacky as hell. The truth is I probably would hate this movie if it didn't hold a teenage charm for me. I first saw this thing on Joe Bob Briggs Monstervision. It was cheesy back then for me but Joe Bob has a way of making any movie more watchable.

The fact that this thing comes from Australia and sports Marsupial werewolves is enough camp value to make the movie interesting to say the least. Throw in some really awful actors, an incoherent and disjointed plot, some really bad special effects and a cheesy movie within the movie and you get a pretty memorable flick... kinda!

They say nuns run in packs... or is that wolves... Either way we get a group of werewolf nuns. A giant wolfman explodes by close range rocket launcher, we get the crazy 80's latex face bubbles in a transformation scene and a weirdo Alfred Hitchcock wanna be character. In one of the movies best moments we get a werewolf skeleton who rips a man to shreds. Why a werewolf skeleton? Why Marsupial-Werewolves for that matter? Don't ask why. Just sit back and enjoy this nonsensical mess for what it is.

The director is responsible for other Ozploitive delights such as The Beast Within, Mad Dog Morgan, and he was also to blame for The Howling II : Stirba - Werewolf Bitch. With the exception of the Sybil Danning gratuitous titty shots I think I prefer the Marsupials sequel.

Its a weird one!

The Adult Version Of Jekyll And Hyde (1972)

All the tasteless motivation was here to make a great sexploitation film but somewhere along the line this one falls short.

Dr. Jekyll steps into a junk shop with his bride to be. He notices a book on a shelf and quickly rushes his girl out of the store like a true weirdo. Latter that night he stops back at the junk shop and kills the owner and runs off with the book. With a private dick hot on his trail Dr. Jekyll reads the book and puts together a concoction that will transform him into a sexy big breasted blond. Naturally the first thing to do is masturbate and secondly go on a murdering and rape filled rampage. In one of the best scenes the female version of Dr. Jekyll or Hyde if you will... hooks up with a violent sailor. Does this make him gay? Anyway I guess the sex wasn't all that good or maybe the Dr. knew he couldn't live down the fact that he fucked a man because Mrs. Hyde chops off the mans willy with a pocket knife.

Speaking of male nudity The Adult Version Of Jekyll And Hyde comes complete with what might be the worlds smallest penis in 70's cinema. Yep our main character bares it all and when I say all well, lets just except it for what it is. To make up for this pornstar Rene Bond does a lot of fucking and I suppose that makes the film a bit easier to sit through. She treats us to shower scenes, lesbian scenes and basically any other excuse she can find to take off her clothes.

This one comes complete with strangulation, violent roughie style whipping scenes, a fire poker to the vagina, achy breaky skulls are smashed in with blunt objects, suicide window-leaping in true Reefer Madness fashion, castration and plenty of male and female naked bodies.

Only for the true roughie/sexploitation audience. Very slow but trashy enough to keep the attention of demento's!

Asylum Of Satan (1972)

I remember the first time seeing this loony-bin, devil worshipping cult flick. I was with a bunch of drunken friends and everybody in the room hated it. That is everyone except for me of course. I have always loved asylum movies even though this one barely fits into that category. Now I realize why I liked this one so much. The reason being that it was directed by the great William Girdler.

Girdler has a way of making some very unpolished and many times inadequate films but for some reason his work always appeals to me. Even movies like Day Of The Animals which most would consider unwatchable, seems to drag me in and hold my attention.

I like everything I have seen from the director. Sheba Baby, The awesome blaxploitaion exorcist rip Abby and of course 3 On A Meathook. William Girdler is an important name in the exploitation world as far as I am concerned and while he may not have a body of work as big as Herschell Gordon Lewis : The Godfather Of Gore or David F. Friedmen his brand of art still needs to be seen. I always relate William Girdler to Jeff Lieberman (Squirm, Just Before Dawn, Blue Sunshine) as far as the feel that their films give off and the fact that they just haven't done as many movies as they should have.

Asylum Of Satan is in fact William Girdler's first film and I think it has much more replay value then some of his later stuff like Day Of The Animals.

A woman wakes up in an Asylum. The last thing she remembers was falling asleep at general hospital and now here she is. The asylum is filled with weirdo's, cripples, mutes and a blind woman who some might remember from 3 On A Meathook. The doctor is a weird controlling kook and his right hand man... I mean woman... well his nurse seems to be a man in drag. Nobody will let our main character know why she is being held in the asylum but she starts to put things together when she sees "patients" in white cloaks praying to Satan, hence the brilliant exploitation title Asylum Of Satan.

And speaking of Satan, This movie is one of the few in the genre where Satan is actually present. That's right guys, we actually have the privilege of seeing the devil first hand in Asylum Of Satan.

The film is of course filled with plot holes and it all could have been resolved easily if there was a character with half a brain in their head but lucky for us its not a very long movie. It clocks in at 80 minutes which really is the perfect runtime for a movie like this. If they cut out the filler which comes in the form of driving scenes I suppose the film would have fell somewhere around 70 minutes which is borderline to short. During the 80 min. of Satan-action we are treated to a grizzly severed head, death by poisonous gas, death by spiders which will remind you more of This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse rather then Lucio Fulci's gory-as-hell The Beyond. We also have a weird monster roaming about the asylum. We see a man fall to his death and my personal favorite scene shows a woman in a pool who meets her fate by killer snakes. The snakes bite into the woman's face (complete with gore) and it really makes for a creepy scene. All these murders are of course sacrificial rituals in the name of Satan and when the devil appears lets just say he is not very happy.

This one is for the real exploitation-freaks. Quentin Tarrantino "Grindhouse" kids should stay away. P.S. the grain is real, Yuck!

Horror Of Dracula (1958)

The British horror Hammer Productions have never been something I was all that interested in. I find the films to be a bit slow with not enough sleaze-factor. I am also very partial to Vampire movies in general with the exception of the ultra trashy or just totally bizarre ones.

With that being said you would think that Horror Of Dracula would probably find its way into my nearest garbage can. The truth is I kind of dig this one. First off this was the first of Hammer vampire flicks and we all know that the first is almost always the best. This Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee combo was originally titled Dracula and was intended to be taken as a modern retelling of the classic Dracula (1931) with Bela Lugosi. It would be latter retitled The Horror Of Dracula in the United States which I think was a wise decision. I mean it is unoriginal enough to make yet another Dracula film but the least you can do is give it a different name.

For some reason in this British take on the evil vampire, Dracula's castle is located somewhere in Germany. Transylvania is never mentioned. It all starts off pretty slow with the oh so familiar tale of Johnathan Harker slowly being drained of life from the evil count but Harker finds the underground sleeping place of Dracula and his bride and drives a steak through the vampiric brides hart. Harker falls victim of Dracula's fangs and Christopher (Dracula) Lee takes revenge by making Johnathan's wife his new vampire bride.  This is where the film gets moving... Peter Cushing plays the part of Van Helsing and teams up with Michael Gough (Horror Hospital, Legend Of Hell House) and they track down the count and battle it out in an awesome climax.

The end of the film makes it all worth while with a really cool vampire melt down. The special effects may not be the best but it still makes for a fun watch. The Horror Of Dracula offers up a tid bit of blood here and there with steaks through the heart and of course throat biting. One thing I noticed is that Christopher Lee doesn't seem to be a neat eater because he always has blood running down his cheeks, even in his sleep. Somebody should get this guy a bib.

Check it out to see where it all started in Hammer studios. The director would go on to do a shit-load more of these Hammer horror flicks including Dracula : Prince Of Darkness which is a cool follow up. Brides Of Dracula and The Revenge Of Frankenstein.

Seven Blood Stained Orchids (1972)

Seven Blood Stained Orchids is another black gloved killer Giallo flick from the 70's. Italian director Umberto (Cannibal Ferox) Lenzi is responsible but regardless of what you think he holds back on the blood a bit and relies much more on the story line and plot.

Don't get me wrong. The violence is still there. There are three exceptionally brutal scenes but it all pales in comparison to films like Ferox and Nightmare City which the director would become so infamous for with the over the top gore and bloodletting.

One of the nastier of scenes shows a hooker having her achy-breaky skull smashed in with a pipe. We do get the red stuff and to top it off she is nude and not to bad to look at. Then we have another naked beauty being slain but this time Lenzi creates a bit more of an artsy-fartsy vibe with a camera angle that would give Dario Argento an erection and he mixes the blood with some paint that was laying around for a very strange outcome.

Then we have my personal favorite kill. Naturally it is the most gory of the lot and involves power tools. What we get here is an early example off a drilling-killing. Might I state that Seven Blood Stained Orchids came out in 1972 and the cult classic Abel Ferrara Driller Killer would not come out till 1979. Toolbox Murders was 78, Last House On Dead End Street in 77 and even Peter Walkers cannibal gore-fest Frightmare wouldn't come for another two years. To my acknowledgment Seven Blood Stained Orchids might be the first power drill killing sequence to hit celluloid. I'm sure I will rack my brain long enough and come up with an earlier title but as of now Lenzi is holding the original title for this type of bloodshed. The scene comes complete with bright red-orange Dawn Of The Dead style blood and boy does it spurt!

But as I mentioned this one has a bit more substance then your average American slasher. We get a very thick plot and while some very minor hints may be dropped as to who the killer is, my guess is that the average viewer would not guess it right.

I will say that Seven Blood Stained Orchids is a typical Giallo in some senses of definition. First off we get a black gloved killer and secondly there are a bunch of priests in the movie. I will not go into who the killer is but I will tell you that it was a well thought out script with lots of dead ends and gear shifting.

This one is really for the die-hard Giallo fans. If you are looking for lots of gore you might as well skip it and just rewatch one of Fulci's flicks.

Hell Night (1981)

This early 80's slasher uses the oh so familiar (House On Haunted Hill) plot. With a group of people who make a bet to stay in an old abandoned mansion until sun up. Naturally people start dying.

This time around its a group of four sorority pledges who dare to stick the night out in the old house. Just like House On Haunted Hill the old mansion has a violent history of murder. The former family was executed by the man of the house. He strangled his wife, smashed his oldest sons brains in with a fire poker, impaled his daughter with the same poker and then hung himself. Unfortunately he forgot to kill his oldest son who of course witnessed all the mayhem. It is believed by some that the oldest mongoloid son still lurks the hidden tunnels and dark corridors of the old house. Again just like House On Haunted Hill the house is full of booby traps and practical jokes to scare the new pledges. Hologram ghosts appear, hidden speakers let out blood curdling screams and senior sorority members run around with silly masks on.

Despite all the corny gags the legend turns out to be true and a mongoloid monster-boy starts killing off the college kids. The best murder shows a machete to the throat (complete with decapitation) in a scene that reminded me of 3 On A Meathook. We also have strangulation, some shotgun violence, people impaled on pointy fences, death by sickle, necks are snapped and twisted completely around in true Exorcist fashion and speaking of The Exorcist, Linda Blair plays the main character here. Her acting is not exactly what I would call good in this one but then again were any of her 80's movies acted out all that well? Hmmm remember Grotesque?

The director was responsible for a bunch of cult flicks. His first flick Terror In The Jungle is a personal favorite of mine but he would also go on to do such trashy delights as Reform School Girls and Chatterbox!

Hell Night is your basic 80's slasher with nothing all that exciting to offer. Its still a good time passer as are most of these stalk and slash flicks. The monster looks a bit like Lon Chaney in Phantom Of The Opera which is kinda cool I guess.

The three things that could have helped this movie move along a bit better would have been a bigger body count, more gore and bloody mayhem and of course some female naked flesh. We do get a guy who runs around in little shorts and says "radical" every five seconds. So maybe that's something for all the ladies who are stuck in the 80's. Other then that we get some girl who looks a bit like Nancy Allen (Dressed To Kill and Carrie) who walks around in lingerie but that's about it for the female sex appeal. The best way to watch this one is with some friends and some beer. Not to be taken very seriously!

Matango : Attack Of The Mushroom People (1963)

This 1960's Japanese monster flick comes from the director who gave us the original Godzilla. The man was also responsible for a shit-ton of Godzilla sequels including King King Vs. Godzilla, Mothra Vs. Godzilla and many more. Not to mention Rodan and Destroy All Monsters. So you know this one has got to be good.

The truth is this one starts off a bit slow with seven yuppie, losers on a private yacht enjoying a nice cruise and singing really shitty songs that would remind you of something you would see in one of those 60's beach movies. Things start to get interesting when these rich bastards are T-boned by a relentless storm that leaves their ship destroyed. They have no choice but to hit land and seek shelter. Well they find shelter in an abandoned pirate ship but there is little to no food on the island with the exception of mushrooms... Giant mushrooms at that. The high society crew goes the longest they can by eating grass roots and other delicacies of the land but eventually some of them give into their starvation and take a chance with the fungus which is among us. Fortunately for us our group of seven starts decreasing in numbers when they start turning against each other and that's not all they are turning into... Those who feast their hungry stomachs on the seemingly endless supply of mushrooms start to transform into mushroom people, hence the title. This thing is also known as Curse Of The Mushroom People, Fungus Of Terror and a few others.

There is some talk of radiation and warfare thrown into the mix but Matango almost seems to have some other metaphoric meaning which is never clearly spelled out or at least I couldn't decipher what it all means. Naturally being an American cultured loser I have ventured into the psychedelic depths of mushroom hallucinogens and this is undoubtedly happening withing this 60's film as well. Who says the Japs were not part of the hip generation? These cats enter their own state of euphoria through the cursed mushrooms. Where I come from we call that a trip and a trip we go on when we venture into a world of mushroom people.

Naturally we get the mushroom monsters that we are promised but this movie holds some other charm beneath the surface that can't really be pin pointed. Some of the other treats that this one has in store is a bikini clad Japanese babe, some gun violence and the cross between survival instinct and greed. A sort of early version of Cabin Fever if you will. Check it out for fun with fungus and starvation but don't try to make any sense out of the final scene. Its just fucking weird!