The Mutilator (1985)

You don't pick a movie like The Mutilator out because you are looking for something in high art. You picked this one because you wanted a cheesy 80's slasher film filled with senseless violence and over the top gore. Well that's pretty much what you get here.

The first time I saw this movie I wasn't the biggest fan. That was due to the fact that it was cut to pieces with the majority of the red stuff cut out. Now that I have finally seen this thing fully intact I can at least appreciate the gore factor.

The Mutilator also known as Fall Break falls into a certain slasher sub category for me along with movies like Nightmare In A Damaged Brain where they almost start to get annoying after a while and you just await the next murder scene. This would usually mean that the movie isn't any good but it almost works in the benefit of the film because when you actually get the murder (depending on how gory it is) it is usually that much more satisfying. So if it wasn't for the absurd amount of gore these movies wouldn't be worth a shit. They don't work alone the way a movie like Halloween or Black Christmas works.

This one follows the oh so familiar slasher formula of five teenagers on a vacation in a vacant cabin. They start getting knocked off one by one by the demented father of one of the teenagers.
We get one scene of nudity and the rest of the time we are forced to look at some of the worst dressed women I have ever seen.
Luckily for us most everybody dies in a gruesome fashion. One girl has a giant hook shoved up her vagina and it comes out somewhere from her mid torso. Another guy is chopped and sawed to bits with something that resembles a chainsaw. Bodies are cut in half and heads go-a-rollin. One of the most effective gore scenes shows a cigarette lighter melting away the flesh on a hand. Nasty! Throats are slit and spikes are run through achy-breaky skulls. We get one dead cop and another has his leg chopped off.

The Mutilator comes complete with a totally twisted ending. It really has to be seen to be believed. I think aside from the hook in the vagina the opening and the ending are the two best moments in the film. The mid section is filled with annoying actors and a really shitty song that plays way to many times for its own good. Only recommended for gore hounds and slasher obsessed maniacs.

Involuntary Bird (1971)

Involuntary Bird is the worst of the worst. Virtually unwatchable. You are gonna need a room full of friends and an alcoholic beverage of choice to make it through this shit-fest. The print that I saw seems to be missing lots of footage (thank god) with a nonsensical plot and softcore sex scenes. There is an instrumental version of the song You Make Me So Very Happy and an instrumental version of a song from Hair. This thing can be found on Uncle Farts Dirty Movie Theater along with three other shitty movies. If it wasn't for the antics of Uncle Farts this movie just wouldn't serve a purpose at all. Similar to some of those Mystery Science Theater 3000 flicks.

Johnny Wadd (1971)

This VCX release of Johnny Wadd is a gift from the porn-gods. This of course being the very first film in the John C. Holmes as Johnny Wadd series and at one time was the rarest and hardest of all Wadd films to find. Thank you VCX and Bob Chin for this amazing print. It's amazing how well Johnny Wadd was actually preserved. The dvd comes with trailers, a Bob Chin interview and a directors commentary as well.

I have read complaints about this film from others on the Internet. These people are a drag. Sure the plot is paper thin. Of course there is not much production value but take it as the novelty that it is. Its the first fucking Johnny Wadd movie! Besides, since this thing was shot before pornography wasn't even legal in this country it had to be rushed. Filmed in one day and cut together in about three it is a pretty good movie for what it is.

Johnny Wadd starts a new case in search of a rich missing girl. The sister of the m.i.a. girl pays Mr. Wadd one thousand dollars to find her sister but Johnny demands a bit more as incentive. The girl blows him and lets him dip his rocket into her beaver. I have never seen John Holmes as erect as he is in this scene. Mr. 15 & 1/2 is bigger then ever and ready to fill some holes. Next Johnny meets some hippie babe who calls her pussy a "bird"? This girl pays Wadd two thousand dollars to drop the case. She also lets Johnny get some "bird". Johnny ignores the hippie and meets with a "junkie who needed a fix" for some inside info. The junkie claims that the missing girls mother is the one responsible. Naturally Wadd meets with the girls mother and once she is threatened she pays Wadd five thousand dollars, sucks his dick and lets him stick a bottle in her pussy. This is the most disturbing scene in the whole movie because the woman in the sex scene is a senior citizen and pretty fucking hideous. I'm sure she is dead by now but if not I would like to kick her in the cunt for making me sit through that scene. All I could think to myself was poor John Holmes. He looks so upset. Needless to say his giant penis didn't show the same enthusiasm from the first scene. Guess he lucked out with that coke bottle.
Next we get a rape scene from our villain and of course Johnny Wadd saves the day. He also gets some pussy from the kidnapped babe.

Every sex scene with the exception of one takes place on the same couch. It is obvious that they were moving very fast when filming this thing. Johnny Wadd does four girls. Sort of... and we get some cool music behind it. Apparently this was another that at one time had the music from The Good The Bad And The Ugly but VCX actually took it out for once and the score that is in place now is actually really nice. A must have for all John Holmes collectors.

Swastika In The Hole (195?)

Now this is one of the weirdest things I have seen in a while. I can't find any information about the film on the Internet except for one guy claiming that it is from 1943. This I find a bit hard to believe but by the clothes and hair style I would guess it is from the early to mid 50's.

This short 9 min. stag film shows a man in a very realistic Adolf Hitler mask enjoying a strip tease from a fine looking Fraulein. The stripper removes Hitler's shirt and he has a giant swastika on his back. Next she removes his pants and his tight white underwear has a little swastika on them too (I couldn't help but be reminded of Sid Vicious in The Great Rock & Roll Swindle). Then she pulls Adolf ole boys Johnson out and puts a condom on for him. Yep you guessed it... The rubber has a swastika printed on it. Next Hitler looses his erection and he picks up a hand gun and blows his brains out. Not only is this thing strange but it is even shot well which makes me think it my be frome Europe. Artsy camera work isn't something you usually see in American stag films.

This is one of the best novelty stag films I have ever picked up. Its not very sexy and I am not sure what it is all supposed to mean or if it is in fact supposed to mean anything. I don't even know what country this thing came from. Either way this is an awesome relic and I am proud to own a copy of it, even if it is on some shitty dvd.

If you love weird stags and loops check this thing out. It is available as an extra on After Hours Cinema's release of Sex Slaves Of The S.S.

Nightmare In A Damaged Brain (1981)

Nightmare also known as Nightmare In A Damaged Brain is one of those infamous big-boxed video nasties from the 80's. Its loaded with gore and other tasteless happenings.

The early 80's of course was the high point for slasher films. They were gruesome and gory and that's why we love them. While equally disturbing slash-em-up flicks like Maniac and Prowler have long ago had they're very own quality release, Nightmare ran the bootleg circuit at horror conventions. I myself am yet to see a nice cleaned up print of this thing. I have seen an old vhs copy and bootleg copies from the vhs days which just further blur the insane bloodletting out. Either way Nightmare In A Damaged Brain is a fun watch and one can't help but get nostolgic while watching it. Why can't they make quick, nasty little gems like this anymore? It really is a thing of the past and it is to bad.

Nightmare follows a young man in a mental ward who is having some very nasty dreams. Or are they flashbacks? About his childhood. He walks in on his mom and pop while they are indulging in some kinky S&M. I guess the role-play is what damaged his brain... Naturally the disturbed young boy runs out to the shed, grabs an axe and hacks his parents to bits in bloody detail. The doctors keep him hopped up on pills and its not long before our madman is on the loose and killing young sluts on 42nd street. He eventually makes his way down to Florida to finish off the rest of his family in true Halloween fashion.

The truth is the movie is kind of slow going until our killer has his final showdown in the FL. house. This is when the gore really picks up and we have a total blood bath on our hands. Our killer strangles a young boy (Awesome!), Slits some throats (complete with gurgling gore), goes axe crazy (complete with decapitation), Next he buries the axe in a achy-breaky skull (complete with tons of splatter), we also have a claw hammer through a hand and a gun happy little boy (lots of gory bullet wounds). There is also a character who looks a lot like Tommy Chong and he even says "Mellow out" in a very much called for piece of dialogue. There is some typical babysitter neglect followed by sex and a bit of tit to keep the earlier slow parts moving.

Nightmare In A Damaged Brain is a must own for all slasher fanatics and splatter hounds alike! Its fucking gory! Fans of this movie are sure to like the Spanish slasher Pieces.

Witchery (1988)

This Italian witch-flick is definitely not Susperia. Linda (Exorcist) Blair is pregnant and off to a remote island to check out the new house that her family is investing in. The local legend is that the house is haunted by an evil witch. This of course turns out to be true. When Blair and her family arrive at the haunted house they bump into David (Knight Rider) Hasselhoff and his virgin girlfriend who have been loitering at the house and taking pictures of the strange phenomenon and bizarre happenings on the island. Its not long before we get a bunch of silly Witchery and other unexplained evil happenings.

Not only is Linda Blair pregnant in this one but Witchery is from what I refer to as the Linda Blair shoulder-pad years. This thing came out the same year as Blair's Grotesque and it looks like she lifted the shitty wardrobe right out of that movie. In other words she wears giant bulky clothing and is totally unattractive in this movie. If you are looking for sexy Linda Blair, stick with Savage Streets or Chained Heat but there will be no boobage on display from a witchy Blair. On the other hand her giant 80's hair gets even bigger as the film goes on and it becomes more and more obvious that she is in fact a witch herself. Witchery was also marketed as Ghousthouse 2 but apparently has nothing to do with the first Ghoshouse film. I personally have not seen the procedor so I can not judge.

What I do know is that if Ghousthouse is half as bad as Witchery I never want to see it. We do get some bare breasts is a ghost rape scene which naturally reminded me of The Entity. We also have a woman who has her lips sewn shut and a another murder that shows a girl impaled on a swordfish statue in true Abominable Dr. Phibes fashion. The best moment of gore involves some voodoo doll antics and a man spewing blood from multiple stab wounds.

This thing also comes complete with an Exorcist ripoff ending with a possessed Linda Blair leaping to her death from a window. Oh and Hasselhoff also meets a bloody end when he has a candle stick shoved through his torso. A candle stick? Ill stick with Susperia for a much better witchy time from Italy.

Surgikill (1989)

I have known Andy Milligan to be a lot of different things. Depressed, boring, homosexual, weird, perverted, angry, drunk, inept and brutal but I never knew him to be a comedian. Surgikill was the last film from Milligan and although it is hard to pick his worst movie I might have to say it is this one next to The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!. While Rats is probably more boring it is still in that very bizarre Andy Milligan realm and it by no means is a pleasant movie. Surgikill on the other hand is a comedy disguised as a horror movie.

The 80's was a very silly time. For every great gory movie from the dreaded decade of big hair there were dozens of shitty comedies made. Surgikill is no exception. It is embarrassingly bad. Not bad in the sense that there was no money or production value but bad because we have horrible actors making dumb faces and noises with the intentions of making us laugh. Us bad movie lovers all know that this is a horrible idea and that we are much more likely to laugh at a bad actor who is playing it straight. When they try to make us laugh we usually put our head in hands and shake our heads in embarrassed disgust.

I will take just about any Andy Milligan movie that I have seen to date over this one. Guru The Mad Monk, The Ghastly Ones, Blood Thirsty Butchers or even Carnage would be a treat compared to Surgikill. If you like these really dumb slasher comedies I highly recommend checking out something like Doom Asylum and staying as far away from Surgikill as possible.

It does have some Three Stooges references and a transvestites nurse. This however is not enough to save Surgikill from the bashing that it deserves. I'm disappointed in you Mr. Milligan.

Sex Slaves Of The S.S. (1973)

Sex Slaves Of The S.S. also known as Slave Girls Of The S.S. and Nazi Sex Experiments is a XXX hardcore take on the nazisploitation flicks that were circulating in the grindhouse theater outlet. However aside from the obvious penetration the main difference between Sex Slaves Of The S.S. and something like David Friedman's Love Camp 7 is that Sex Slaves Of The S.S. is a total comedy while Love Camp 7 is a classic example of trashy exploitation film making in bad taste.

When it all comes together Sex Slaves Of The S.S. makes for a very confused movie. For the most part the movie is a mystery. The director is unknown as is most of the cast. The main character goes by the name of Dr. Ivan Cock Luv and is played out by one of the only confirmed actors, Jerry Delony who would go on to do one of the Ilsa movies (Ilsa Harem Keeper Of The Oil Sheiks).
Dr. Ivan Cock Luv is assisted by a weird little fucker that goes by the name of Fritz (also an unknown actor). I am not quite sure if Fritz is played by a man or a woman. He has a fake looking mustache but at the same time has some very feminine features. Fritz also looks a bit like a midget. The truth is I'm not exactly sure if Fritz is even human. All I do know is that the character is quite disturbing to look at and I feel pretty bad for anybody who was trying to pull pud to this thing in the local smut-theater.

Together Dr. Cock Luv and Fritz perform "experiments" on three female prisoners and by experiments I mean they order S.S. soldiers to have sex with them... What the hell are they researching here anyway? They also set up an early sex machine but it is never used for penetration. Who's bright idea was that?

Next we have a bunch of footage that was obviously taken from another source. This footage is really the best material in the whole movie. We have a woman who has been whipped into a bloody mess that is forced to perform oral sex on a Nazi. Then in another piece of footage we have a guy in a gay biker hat screwing a fat, hairy bitch. I guess they thought biker hats resembled head-wear from the Nazi party. We also have one of the most unconvincing lesbian scenes in cinematic history and to top it all off the After Hours dvd release of this added in some silly voice overs that does nothing more then help botch this mess of a movie up just a tad more.

If you are looking for a nasty nazisploitation movie like Ilsa I would recommend staying far away from this thing but if you like really bad 70's porn that could have possibly been filmed on another planet you might want to check this one out. Its a weird one!

Dead & Rotting (2002)

For some unknown reason I picked this shot on video and straight to video piece of rot up in the early 2000's when it first came out. For some stranger reason I have not thrown my copy out. Every time I go back and watch this movie with the intentions of disposing of it after my viewing, I end up putting back on the shelf into my collection.

Perhaps it is scream queen Debbie (Terror Firmer) Rochon's breasts that make me want to keep this movie. Or is it the really cheesy gore. I think it is a mix between the two and the fact that Dead & Rotting is sort of a Pumpkinhead ripoff.

Troma-boy Trent Haaga (Terror Firmer, Citizen Toxie : Toxic Avenger 4) gets into a bit of trouble along with his two buddies when they beat up the son of an evil witch (Played by Debbie Rochon). The witch places a curse on them and they all get sick. They take they're revenge against the witch by paying two pot-head losers to kill her cat. Little did they know that the cat was in fact the witch's son. The witch places another curse on them. This time much more serious. Now they will learn what is like to "Be dead & rotting".

Dead & Rotting is filled with awful acting and even worse dialogue. Who ever wrote this thing would probably be better off Dead & Rotting as well. On the other hand it is chock full of cheesy monsters and bad gore. It holds a certain charm for me in a very strange way. If you are feeling risky and shifting through piles of shitty shot on video movies from the 2000's you could do worse then this. Sorta... Oh and beware there is some senior citizen nudity on display in this one. Ouch!

I Spit On Your Grave (2010)

Is it just me or is it impossible to kill somebody in a horror movie these days without tying them up first? They should have called this movie I Spit On Your Torture Porn. It plays more like a bondage fetish movie then anything else with every victim being tied to a tree, or tied to a chair, or tied to the bathtub or just plain fucking tied. Well at least in the 70's we didn't need rope to kill someone. Do yourself a favor and go back and watch the original.

This 2010 remake wasn't quite as bad as the remake of Last House On The Left but then again that's not really saying much. This one was at least watchable with believable actors and story line that obviously shows the creator was a fan of the far superior original.

The first half of the movie plays very true to the 70's flick with the exception of an added hand held video camera. We also get an added character as a villain, so this time our heroine can "Cut, Chop, Break and Burn five men beyond recognition". If you remember correctly the brilliant exploitation tagline lied to us the first time around with only four victims. The rape scenes are lifted directly from Meir Zarchi's classic with only the order of attacks being rearranged. The rape scenes themselves are also very much dulled down. They are no where near as painful to watch as the original but we do get some of the lingering camera work that made the aftermath of the rape scenes seem so realistic in the original.

What happens next is never explained or justified but our rape victim gets away and survives in the woods with no clothes food or water for months. Next time she appears she is quite healthy with a new wardrobe.?.? She takes her revenge on the scum that brutalized her and left her for dead, started with Matthew the retard. By the way Matthew is very believable in the remake and the best scene in the whole movie is when Matthew busts a screaming nut into our rape victim. Anyway, Matthew is strangled with a noose and looses consciousness an tied to a chair. (Lets see if you can follow me now) Matthew's hand is tied to a shotgun trigger that is rammed up another mans ass who is also tied to a chair. If Matthew the tard moves... Bang! Its blown out assholes for lunch. This scene reminded me a bunch of Kiss Of Her Flesh. The scene where a man has his penis tied to the trigger of a rifle. Thanks to the help of a little strip tease our victim gets a hard on and blam! If inspiration was found in the great Findlay's Flesh Trilogy I will give credit where it is due but still these murders are way to elaborate and ridiculous for a rape/revenge movie. Why does every movie have to play like a Saw movie?

Anyway, another guy is tied up and has his teeth pulled out and is eventually castrated. In my humble opinion this also does not live up to the infamous castration scene from the real movie. Next a man is suspended above a bathtub that is filled with lime and water. Yes he looses face. In the most brutal and satisfying of all the revenge scenes a man is (you guessed it) tied up. He is tied to a tree and has fishing hooks through his eyelids. Next he has dead rodents shoved into his mouth, fish guts mashed into his eyeball wounds and eventually big cgi birds come and eat his eyeballs from his bleeding sockets. This scene was pretty cool despite the directors sick bondage fetish.

What it all comes down to is that I Spit On Your Grave is another pointless remake from the 2000's. Skip it and hold your self respect with the original.

Iggy Pop Lust For Life (1986)

This 80's documentary starts off a bit on the embracing side with a watered down 1980's version of Iggy Pop performing Lust For Life. Luckily for us the movie goes back to the early Stooges years and shows young and reckless Iggy as the madman he is.

We have some great archival interviews. Including the infamous Iggy punk rock ideology on television. We also get some cool interviews with an old and fat Ron Ashton who seems to hold a lot of resentment against Iggy and the rest of the Stooges for their excessive drug use. He feels that it was the drugs that destroyed the band and believes that they would still be going strong and enjoying the success that Iggy has had in the 80's. Only he feels that they would still be raw and powerful. Ashton brings us to some old locations of early Stooges shows and explains incidents and mayhem in detail. Before the end credits roll we have to deal with a few more modern shitty Iggy songs but the dvd is worth owning for true Stooges fans.

The Mole People (1956)

Here's another silly 50's monster movie staring John Agar. One year prior he would fight Tarantula and the gill-man in Revenge Of The Creature. This time around he will go to war against an ancient civilization who worship Ishtar, the same god from Blood Feast. He will also have to fight the creatures that dwell beneath the earth known as The Mole People.

This thing opens up with some old geyser talking about the world we live in and the philosophers of the past who tried to understand how it all worked. The opening seems like a lecture and if I didn't know any better I would have guessed that this bald geek was somebodies teacher. Well apparently he was just an actor who did a few things here and there for television shows. The Mole People is really the only thing he has ever done worth while and while many might find the opening to be an annoying waste of time, I sort of enjoy it for that added touch of weirdness that makes these movies oh so much better.

Moving along from the old fart and the strange opening. John Agar plays an archaeologist who discovers an underground city from five thousand years ago while on an expedition on a mountaintop in Mesopotamia.

The only problem is that the city is not abandoned. It is inhabited by a blood thirsty civilization that worships Ishtar. Like Fuad Ramses from Blood Feast there are human sacrifices offered to Ishtar. Unfortunately we don't get an Egyptian feast in this one but what we do get is a bunch of hunchback Mole People with giant, razor-sharp finger nails.

The Mole People are being starved and held captive by the people of Ishtar. They are beaten and whipped and forced to burrow and find food for the people. Apparently this city lives strictly off of mushrooms. They have never seen day light and the fact that they live underground leaves them with a very limited diet.

The plot is silly as usual but the movie does offer up sharp claws to a scientist chest, a man who falls deep into a cave and is crushed and killed by falling rocks, poisonous mushrooms, a women who is burned alive from sun raise, gratuitous whipping and a moralistic ending that comes complete with a Mole People revolution. I'm being serious! John Agar helps these monsters gain their independents. Guess he was tired of blowing them up all the time.

Malice In The Palace (1949)

Malice In The Palace is one of the most popular of all Three Stooges shorts. This is mainly due to how long it has been available in public domain dollar disk sets but personally it is one of my least favorite shorts from the trio.

Moe, Larry and Shemp run a restaurant and their next guest are a couple of thieves who are plotting out a jewelery heist and murder. The Stooges catch wind of the idea and disguise themselves as Santa Clause's and steal the Jewel from a giant black man armed with a big sword.

Malice In The Palace has some funny bits in it. Especially when they turn a guard in the palace into a human water statue. They fill the guards bloated belly with water and when they punch him in the gut water spews continuously from his mouth like a pissing cupid statue. Then we have a very memorable moment in the restaurant where Larry chases cats and dogs around with a big meat cleaver. Shemp is almost wasted space in this one. We don't get any of his famous Shemp, wobbly-knee foot-work. For me Larry really steals the show this time around.

Soul Vengeance (1975)

Here's a weird one from Jamaa Fanaka (Penitentiary). This twisted blaxploitation flick tells of a black man named Charles or "Brother Charles" who is apprehended by the white police and of course brutalized. They nearly beat him to death upon his capture and go as far as to castrate him.

Well at least they try to castrate him.?.? Once Brother Charles time is served he hits the streets and learns that his old bitches are being pimped by the new players in town. Brother Charles claims he is going to live a straight life without drugs and hookers but in reality he is planning his revenge on the scum that nearly took his manhood.

There is no doubt that Soul Vengeance also known as Welcome Home Brother Charles is a movie from mars but no matter how bizarre it is, the truth is its a pretty boring movie. This is amongst the earliest of Fanaka films and the ineptitude and the total lack of money really shows through and not necessarily in a very good way either.

Right off the bat the main character is supposed to be a ladies man but he is no Fred Williamson. I think Brother Charles has to be just about the ugliest man in blaxploitation history. The Hamburger Pimp in Dolemite is more likely to get some pussy then this dude. Then again whats in appearance?

Okay so this cat gets all the bitches and luckily for us that means we get some nudity. Not so lucky for us some of these girls look like Brother Charles with less facial hair. Yuck! We get some titty swinging at the local "Bottomless Bar" which isn't bottomless at all. We get some sweet, jive 70's jargon and some real smooth cats in some super-bad clothes. We have some of the worst white people in blaxploitation history and a ending that will shock your cock off.

Its never explained in great detail or even very clearly but apparently when the pigs tried to cut off Charles penis, they left it hanging on. For some reason while Charles was behind bars his rocket grew to abnormal size and he acts out his vengeance with his giant black wang. Brother Charles uses his giant garden hose of a cock to hypnotize the wives of the police who did him wrong. Then he strangles the cops with his penis and that's pretty much the whole movie.

If it wasn't for the final revenge scenes Soul Vengeance wouldn't be worth a dime. Add in some dead cops and strangulation by a vengeful penis and we have something worth watching. Maybe not more then once but I find it to be a nice little novelty amongst my stacks of tasteless exploitation flicks! This one reminded me of a blaxploitation version of Deadly Weapons. They would make an excellent double feature. Revenge through giant black cock and revenge through giant mellon heavy jugs. Genius!

Curse Of Her Flesh (1968)

This is the second film in Michael and Roberta Findlay's ultra trashy Flesh trilogy. In case if A Touch Of Her Flesh wasn't quite sleazy enough for you, feast your eyes on this sick! sick! sequel!

Michael Findlay is back yet again as the depraved misogynistic serial killer Richard Jennings. If you remember he correctly he lost his eye in the first film. So he is back as the eye patch killer and he is still pissed that he caught his wife cheating on him.

Women are trash and Jennings must rid the world of this filth. Naturally he runs a scummy strip club that offers up sleazy S&M shows complete with bondage and violent whippings. He also likes to roll around with naked babes on the couch in his best suit before killing them.

For those unfamiliar with the series, The Flesh Trilogy is amongst the sleaziest and meanest of all roughie sexploitation films, right up there in the ranks with the Olga movies.

Curse Of Her Flesh is a fine example of film making in bad taste. Its loaded with bare breasted 60's babes in big underwear. We also have lots of filthy dialogue. Add in some ultra violence and we have high entertainment right out of New York City's sewer. This movie should probably be avoided by feminists and politically correct drones alike. You are bound to be offended.

One of the weirdest scenes in the movie involves a women being probed with a giant vegetable. I am pretty sure it is a squash or something of the sort. The film comes complete with fine locations such as the bathroom which always manages to have the toilet bowl in frame. It really adds to the feel of the movie. We also get a movie within the movie and it involves a female genital operation. Then there is some machete violence and some insane laughter. Fans of this movie must be sure to see the third film in the series Kiss Of Her Flesh. It is the most grotesque in the whole series. Pure fucking filth!

Hard Boiled (1992)

I have never cared for typical action movies, filled with explosions and rapid gun fire. I find them to be annoying and repetitive. Sure, one could argue that horror movies, slasher films and zombie flicks are just as repetitive and cliche and they would be right but horror films never let me down. My life long obsession with horror genre films have kept me satisfied this far while action films went out of style for me at around 13 years of age. I usually can find exceptions within foreign land. For instance Spaghetti Westerns are always better then American westerns. Yakuza films are usually more violent and artistic then American mobster movies. There for I figured I couldn't go wrong with this cult favorite from John Woo.

Well I didn't find this movie to be any better then the average shitty shoot-em-up flick from the U.S.A. Sure the violence was just a bit more excessive and the stunts were a bit more exciting but what it all boils down to is Hard Boiled is just another fucking bore like Lethal Weapon or Die Hard.

Chow Yun-Fat (City On Fire) yet again plays an undercover cop who is trying to stop a major gun trade operation. We have lots of crazy gun-fu and shit loads of explosions. Oh and Yun-Fat also saves some babies from a giant baby barbecue.

Apparently John Woo originally wanted to do a story about a infant serial killer. A psychopath who poisons babies. Of course he bitched out and what we were left with was Hard Boiled. How a script about a baby killer turned into this... I'm not sure but I am also not pleased.

I hate Woo's American movies like Face/Off and so far I'm not a fan of this shit either. I will give him one last chance with The Killer and if that is half as bad as Hard Boiled I can live happily without his obnoxious brand of action. Boring!

Last Dragon (1985)

The poster art displayed above is not the original art at all. It was drawn out by a fan-boy in hopes to sell some copies of his work at a local screening of The Last Dragon. I however find it to be way cooler then the original American art or even the Spanish poster.

The Last Dragon used to play regularly on television when I was a young kid. For some reason or other my father wouldn't allow me to watch it. My old man has always been big on censorship but looking at this movie now I really have no clue to why my father wouldn't let me watch this movie. Perhaps pops was a bit of a racist... Then again he also wouldn't allow me to watch wrestling when I was a kid. I guess he really just had something against exaggerated violence in movies, even if it was a silly {PG13} 1980's flick. All I know is there really isn't anything all that realistically violent and its a pretty goofy movie all the way through. After all it was the 80's. What wasn't goofy from that time?

The Last Dragon tells of a young African American martial artist named Leroy Green who worships the great Bruce Lee. Naturally he calls himself Bruce Leroy and that's what the folks around town know him as. Bruce Leroy follows the philosophy of the real Bruce Lee and vows to never use physical violence against another human unless there is no other choice. Needless to say there is no other alternative once Leroy crosses paths with an angry street punk named Sho'nuff "The Shogun Of Harlem". Sho'nuff wants Leroy in a street fight and will stop at nothing to get what he wants. He destroys Leroy's family pizza shop and eventually kidnaps his girlfriend. Leroy has no choice but to give The Shogun Of Harlem what he wants.

There are a lot of really cool scenes in this movie. My personal favorite moment takes place in a kung-fu, movie-house which is screening Enter The Dragon. We get a bad-ass fist fight in the movie theater which I have been lucky enough to witness in real life. Unfortunately there wasn't any crazy martial arts going on when I witnessed this. Maybe that's because Dead Alive was playing rather then a kung-fu classic.

Aside from the fact that The Last Dragon has some cool moments it isn't really a great movie. The main problem is that between the kung-fu scenes we have all these shitty musical numbers. It almost plays like a musical or a bad MTV video.

This thing was directed by the guy who did Cooly High and Which Way Is Up which would explain why The Last Dragon is more of a comedy then anything you can take seriously. It does offer up some excellent midget-fu, really silly dialogue "Kiss my converse" and scenes from much better movies like The Big Boss and The Chinese Connection. Check it out if you want some cheap laughs with your kung fu but be sure to fast forward through all the shitty singing and dancing. This ain't Bollywood!