The Ecstasies Of Women (1969)

Ecstasies Of Women was a long lost Sexploitation flick from director Herschell Gordon Lewis until very recently when it was finally found and released on DVD for all us dirt-bags.

While it may not be the best example of a Sexploitation movie or even a Herschell Gordon Lewis film for that matter it does have some kind of bizarre charm like so many other films from the director.

The Ecstasies Of Women is sort of a anti-marriage film. This one follows a goofy looking prick named Harry who is about to be married in a few days. Harry and his pals go out to the local Go-Go titty-bar for one last drunken night of debauchery. Harry goes in and out of consciousness as he drunkenly sits in the sleazy boob-joint and dreams/fantasizes about various different women and the crazy sex-capades he would indulge in with them.

 The story is simple and stupid. It has an odd combination of unintentional and intended humor which is typical of the great H.G. Lewis. Fans of 60's Sexploitation should not be let down by the massive amounts of giant jugs on display in this one. While I usually prefer my 60's smut a little more on the violent side, this one still makes for a decent time waster. While the dialogue does tend to get a bit annoying at times, especially in the beginning, there is still enough silliness and bad acting to keep us B movie guys entertained. One of the highlights is Harry's smooth talking hippie friend who looks more like a business man in some really dumb fashionable get-up. Or at least I guess it was fashionable for 1969!? This guy is a total jack-ass. Come to think of it, everyone in the movie is kinda a dork.

I guess if you have some kind of crazy plans of getting married this one might do the trick. I guess the over all message is that there are too many fish in the sea. Well there are also too many crappy exploitation movies out there. With that being said I take my hat off to the Godfather Of Gore, Herschell Gordon Lewis for yet again delivering a total piece of trash without any shame.

Well perhaps there was a slight bit of shame considering he is credited as "Mark Hansen" on this one.  

The House Of Secrets (1936)

House Of Secrets is another example of a bad movie about a man who attains a mansion in the will of a deceased relative. Why did they feel the need to use this plot over and over again? Its almost as if producers from the 30's up until the 70's were like... Okay lets make a really boring movie. I know, lets do the ole inheritance thing again. That will be sure to bore the audience.

 Unlike most of the other films that bare this old tired plot, House Of Secrets is not a haunted house movie and there is no murderous phantom roaming around through secret passages while strategically knocking off the characters. This one is nothing more then a crime mystery which takes place in an old mansion.

When a street smart American inherits an old house in England he is kept off of his own property by a woman who he falls in love with at first sight. The pretty blond and her father have been holding up in The House Of Secrets and refuse to allow the new owner of the home entry into his estate. Next a bunch of gangsters pop up and further keep the man away. When the police step into the matter they too give him a hard time and do everything in their will to keep him off of his own property. Its not until our unlucky main man bumps into a fellow American friend who happens to be a detective who helps him learn the mystery of The House Of Secrets.

The whole thing is pretty forgettable and there is really nothing interesting happening. The movie is extremely repetitive and it becomes annoying very early on. The entire movie pretty much consists of our main character trying to get into his mansion and then being forced off of the property in various different ways. While it is supposed to be a mystery/drama it comes off more comedic then anything else with the unbarring repetition. I personally spent more time watching the time run thru on my DVD players digital interface then looking at the screen. That's how boring this one really is. The dialogue is filled with typical 1930's jargon and I suppose that might get a chuckle or two out of some viewers but the characters are predictable and over all they are pretty lame.

House Of Secrets is filled with one cliche after another and unless you need a sedative I would recommend staying away from this one. Its a sleeper.

 

Prison Girls (1972)

I guess with a title like Prison Girls and such an amazing poster most would have guessed that this is a pretty trashy movie and they would of course be right. Like just about every other movie in the women in prison genre Prison Girls focuses on sex and great abundance of naked flesh. However the thing that separates this one from most of the other women in prison films is that this one is basically a soft core porn.

I never liked using the words "soft-core porn". When I hear those words I think of bad late 80's early 90's shot on video crap. For me most Sexploitation flicks fit into a different genre but this one truly is as close as you get to porn without quite crossing that boundary. Prison Girls also known as Prison Girls In 3-D barely even takes place in a prison. In the first ten minutes we are treated to an all out brawl in the prison showers. Its all out breasts and bush in this spectacle of 70's smut but in the very next scene the girls are given a weekend pass out of the prison. A weekend pass? What the fuck is that? Anyway 99% of the film takes place outside of the woman's prison. Now of course this doesn't mean that there is going to be any less naked flesh but naturally we wont be seeing anymore group showers or food fights or women being hosed down when they get out of line like in most other women in prison flicks.

This one comes from director Tom DeSimone. This guy is A-Okay in my book. With so many cool titles to his name like Terror In The Jungle and Hell Night it is hard to believe he turned out such a turd with this one. I mean the man has done quite a few women in prison flicks, some of which are personal favorites in the genre like Reform School Girls but this one just slacks in so many different areas. For starters this one seems like it is a foreign film. Uschi Digard shows up with her giant melons on display and her constant awkward smile that she is known and loved for and the entire film is so poorly dubbed it makes a Hong Kong Kung-Fu flick look like a major Hollywood production. While this isn't necessarily a bad thing it does serve to make the whole viewing experience all the more strange. The plot... if you can call it that is as bad as it gets. None of the characters are very likeable and the dialogue is equally as terrible. The sex scenes are very confusing with an over abundance of talky-talk and most of the girls here are not much to look at.

The best scene in the entire film showcases a biker gang that forces a man to rape the woman he loves. When it is all said and done the guy seems really proud of what he did and I can't help but be reminded of the character of Matthew in I Spit On Your Grave. "I did it! I really did." Its too bad the rest of the movie didn't focus on the sleazy biker trash. There is also a very small subplot about a bank robber who is on the run but that is all very uninteresting and in the end they try to make up for all the nonsense with some stupid moralistic dialogue which also comes off ridiculous and not needed.

I could have skipped this one all together and just have stuck with a better film from the genre but that's how it goes when you have a life long dedication to trash cinema.

The Devil Inside Her (1977)

The Devil Inside Her was the first horror-porn I ever saw. Back in my teenage years when I got my first apartment, an older punk rock dude showed me this movie. I have to admit it was weird at the time watching a porno film with another guy but the movie itself blew my mind. All these years later I finally found my own copy and it is probably among my all time favorites in the satanic-porn genre.

Obviously cashing in on the success of Gerard Damiano's classic The Devil In Miss Jones. This one is far more gritty and almost a bit disturbing. Vile images of depraved sexuality and debauchery fill the running time for this one. It never gets slow or boring with almost non stop satanic sex.

This one is set back in the 1800's on a farm. Faith and Hope are two sisters who love the same man but their domineering, bible bumping father does not approve of their lustful ways. When daddy catches Faith innocently kissing the man she loves he forces her to strip naked while he whips her with a switch from the ground. "Strip naked before god and show him your shame". When Hope learns that her sister is planning on marrying lover-boy she prays to the devil and offers her soul. She gets what she bargains for when a demon appears with some of the most disturbing cock-rings attached to his genitals. The rest of the movie is demonic possession and sex orgies with plenty of shape shifting and appearance changing. The demon takes the form of just about every character in the movie and tricks them all into a life of deviation.

I love this movie. It has a cool blasphemous plot and some really sick and twisted scenes. As I mentioned the demon wears some absurd cock-rings and its almost painful to watch him violently stretch his genitals. He also comes complete with some really bad KISS makeup. Then we have an old witch who is covered in warts and she gets in on the sexy action as well. In one of the grossest scenes a woman lay naked in the mud while masturbating with vegetables. I would imagine there was a yeast infection at the very least after this scene. Another great moment shows a man swinging from a tree while a horny nymph blows his dangling body. Annie Sprinkles shows up in a satanic orgy, we have fisting, golden showers, interracial sex, incest, lesbianism and just about any other depraved sex act you can think of. There is even a vicious dog that attacks a religious man.

I highly recommend this one to anyone who digs nasty porno movies from the 70's. If you like movies like Through The Looking Glass or of course The Devil In Miss Jones then this one is perfect. I know it is available on multiple DVD labels but I have the old Something Weird Video VHS double feature with Count Erotica - Vampire which I have not gotten around to seeing yet. Not sure if the DVD's have been remastered or anything but the old VHS is as gritty and grainy as they get. Personally the grit and grain works perfectly for me. I wouldn't really want to see a polished print of this thing. The Devil Inside Her is as filthy as they get. While it might not be the best option for some sexy alone time it certainly makes for a great party flick to shock your friends with.

 

Schoolgirl Hitchhikers (1973)

Here's another real weird one from Jean Rollin. In fact it is so weird it is hard to say what exactly the director was trying to do here. Is it a comedy? Is it an action movie? Is it a thriller? I guess its a bit of everything.

Schoolgirl Hitchhikers plays a lot like a 60's Roughie but since it is shot in color and came out in the sick sick 70's it comes off more as a confused mess of a sexploitation flick.

The paper thin plot follows two girls who enter what they believe to be an abandoned house. Its only a mater of minutes before the two little nymphos are stripping nude and rolling around in a bed together. Eventually the girls learn that they are not alone in the house when they bump into Frank, a jewels thief who is hiding out in the old house while he waits for his fellow crime buddies. Of course the two girls get it on with Frank and all seems pretty cute and tame until Franks friends show up and the stolen jewels are missing from Franks hiding spot. Naturally the two sex crazed girls are blamed for the disappearance and the hard earned criminals take turns torturing the gals between knife point rape sessions.

 This makes for a pretty typical 1970's rape revenge plot but there is nothing typical about this one. Instead it comes off a bit like a comedy with ridiculously silly music playing of the scenes of savagery. Then we have a couple of bumbling idiots for police officers. They kind of just sit around and watch the violence being committed. One of the dumb cops is played by a miniskirt clad chick with pigtails and in case you haven't guessed she gets the old rape treatment as well. This one offers up some riding crop violence with a naked babe being whipped repeatedly and even some booby twisting with what appears to be some kind of fireplace instrument. There is also a bit of hot poker action and what has to be one of the weirdest shoot-out scenes to ever plague the big screens. The whole thing is a bit to strange to explain. It goes from being really artsy to a bit violent but it is all drawn out in such a silly manner.

Yet again I am not overly big on a Jean Rollin film but fans of his work might dig this one because there is still the typical Rollin sleepy moments that play like some surreal dream or something. Not really to much to recommend in this one aside from how weird it all is. I'm still confused!

    

My Teenage Daughter (1974)

My Teenage Daughter also known as Keyhole is a Swedish porno film shot in Denmark. It tries really hard to be different from the other porno films that were coming out around this time but ends up a typical run of the mill fuck-film from the golden age of smut.

 A porno producer hires a man to write a script for his new movie with the exception that it will be unlike any other porno film around. The producer wants it to be realistic and believable. Sounds boring right? Well the writer takes on the job but little does the producer know, that the new writer is dating his daughter Mette. Mette comes up with the idea to base the story off of her parents perverse life. Together the couple sneak around and spy on Mette's parents, friends and business associates. I guess Denmark really was sexually liberated because these people are a bunch of swinging deviates.

The story itself is quite basic and you can tell they tried really hard to make a realistic film. Between the dialogue and the way people act seems like normal every day life. That is of course aside from all the sex that is going on. The main problem with this movie is that normal every day life doesn't make for a good cinematic experience. There is one pretty funny sex scene that is sped up in something that is oddly reminiscent of the threesome scene in A Clockwork Orange. The leading lady in this one is pretty nice to look at and I wouldn't mind seeing more of her in the future.

The copy I picked up of this was very blurry. It also seemed to have been cut as well and possibly missing something at the end of the film. This also might have made the movie a bit less entertaining. In the end what we get is another porno film from the 70's with a good looking lead actress. That's about it.

Linda And Abilene (1969)

Herschell Gordon Lewis has delved into so many different genres. Of course he is most famous for his early gore films like Blood Feast and Two Thousand Maniacs but he has dipped his feet into just about every exploitation sub genre known to man. He did nudist camp films like Natures Playmates. Sexploitation trash like The Alley Tramp. Hillbilly horrors like This Stuff'll Kill Ya. Biker films like She Devils On Wheels. Juvenile delinquent stuff like Just For The Hell Of It. I can go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. With this one he offers up a sexploitation flick in the form of a western.

This one starts off a bit slow and it takes quite a while before we even have any dialogue but eventually it gets into the warped tale of a incest, lesbianism and murder.

A brother and sister attend their parents funeral and are left to tend to the farm and house on their own and I'm sure their parents wouldn't be proud of them when the siblings start spying on each other in various states of undress. Both of them lust after the other and they have sleepless nights of a masturbation with dirty incestuous thoughts. Eventually they give in to their desires and its not long before they are humping all over the house, farm and creek. Things turn sour when big brother takes off to the nearest town for a night of liquor and ladies. A dude at the bar named "Rawhide" over hears a conversation between big brother and a local hooker about how he left little sister home all alone. Naturally Rawhide heads over to the farm-house where he will indulge in a night of rape.

When big brother comes home to the aftermath of his beloved sisters rape he promptly decides to kill Rawhide. So I guess it is also a rape/revenge flick too. The whole revenge thing comes off rather rushed and it all comes to an anticlimactic and abrupt ending.

The main problem with this flick aside from its boring beginning is that there just isn't enough naked flesh in it. There are only two girls in the entire movie and after a while we get tired of seeing the naked frolic scenes. However there are some truly awesomely awkward moments in here like the churning butter montage. We watch bro and sis join hands and jerk-off a barrel of butter. Who thinks this stuff up?

Linda And Abilene was thought to be long lost but lucky for all us Herschell Gordon Lewis fanatics it was recently found. Not the best movie in the world but fans of Lewis are used to that sort of thing. Check it out for fun with lesbians, incest, rape/revenge and of course butter churning.

 

Ghost Galleon (1974)

This one went under a whole slew of titles including Ghost Ship Of The Blind Dead, Ghost Galleon, Horror Of The Zombies and many more but to keep things simple I like to call it Blind Dead 3 which it also went under.

Personally I am a fan of The Blind Dead movies but this one is by far the worst of the bunch. This time around the skeletal, Templar-Zombies are aboard an old ghost-ship which is apparently "in a different dimension". Some bikini models are lured out of the fog and into the old-time galleon where the zombified Templars will feast on their flesh. Trust me, it sounds a lot better then it really is.

The main problem with this installment in the series is that there is way to much talky talk and not enough violence and gore. The whole thing tends to get a bit tiring with endless scenes of creeping around the old ship and constant chit chat.

 Jesus Franco veteran Jack Taylor shows up in this one as the mastermind behind a publicity stunt that is supposed to bring the models wealth and fame but he seems to come off more like a crime-lord. The truth is that his character doesn't bring much to this film either. It all comes off pretty weird and confused and in the end it makes for a pretty forgettable experience. The only things worth noting in the film is a couple of bikini clad bimbos and of course the awesome looking zombies themselves. There is a bit of gore in a decapitation scene where we watch the Templar's munch on the flesh of a pretty blond girl but other then that even the zombies seem pretty confused. Wait... If these guys are hungry for human flesh why did they just throw that girls body overboard? Maybe they have some pals down there on the ocean floor like in Lucio Fulci's Zombi.

Ghost Galleon is only worth owning for those who want to complete their Blind Dead collection. It is offered on many public domain DVD packs for about a dollar and that is probably all it is worth.

Nymphomaniac (2013)

Lars Von Trier the director of Antichrist (2009) yet again paints a depressing picture. While I haven't seen any other films from Von Trier aside from this and Antichrist, I think its safe to say if there is anything that he is good at it is artistically portraying depression and humans emotional turmoil.

Like Quentin Tarantino's KIll Bill, Nymphomaniac was broken down into two separate volumes. This was done because of the ridiculously long runtime. Clocking in somewhere around five and a half hours long in its uncut form, Nymphomaniac does exactly what the title hints at. It follows the life long struggles of a sex addicted woman who has lived a life of lust, pleasure, pain and despair. Was it necessary for the movie to run over five hours long? Of course not but you know how these artsy-fartsy guys are... Nymphomaniac does come off a bit self indulgent but I think it still makes for an interesting watch, especially if you are into art type films.

   The thing that I liked the most about this movie is the same thing I liked about Antichrist. There is this sort of rebellious vibe that flows thru the dark storyline. Lars Von Trier is not afraid to break the rules. Nymphomaniac breaks just about every rule you can think of. Every taboo is laid out in front of us and the film forces the viewer to confront these sensitive issues first hand. As the film progresses it gets darker and darker until it comes to somewhat of a predictable ending. We deal with child sexuality, masturbation, the loss of virginity, interracial sex, incest, necrophilia, sadomasochism, pedophilia, lesbianism, murder and many more taboo subjects.

The final product is shocking, sexy, disturbing and very very depressing. It is shocking in its subject mater with very outrageous scenes that most directors wouldn't even dream of shooting. It is sexy with its artistic sex scenes. Apparently Nymphomaniac was originally intended to be an all out porno film. While it still holds onto many pornographic images it comes off more like a sexy art film. It can be very disturbing at times with some really sick and uncomfortable scenes. The main one that sticks in mind well after viewing it is the incredibly graphic home abortion scene. This scene is graphic enough to turn the stomach of the most jaded horror fanatic. Lastly it is pretty damn depressing. The entire movie gives a sense of hopelessness. The constant downbeat tone makes Nymphomaniac a stand out entry in cinema.

    I have read many negative reviews on this one, mainly from sniveling cry-babies who don't like the fact that there is pornographic material inside. All I can say to those wimps is, go watch a fucking Disney movie or something. I'm not even trying to say Nymphomaniac is a masterpiece or anything. It certainly has its flaws but it is still way more interesting then 90 percent of the watered down crap that comes out these days. I give credit where it is due and if for nothing else I would like to applaud Van Trier for not being another sappy ass-whipe who just wants to please the masses. If the film offends you... Good! I'm glad someone out there doesn't mind hurting your weak little feelings. I found it to be intelligent, with excellent thought provoking dialogue which at the very least is informative on strange subjects I would probably never have read into on my own. It is also pretty nice to look at with very nice camera work blended with a melancholy soundtrack. I am looking forward to seeing more from this man.

One-Armed Swordsman (1967)

One-Armed Swordsman is a groundbreaking Kung Fu film released by the Shaw Brothers. Heavily influenced by the Japanese Samurai Films. It is also the first of all the cripple-kung-fu films. Due to its subject mater of a one-armed martial artist it was also the movie that made it okay to show blood & gore in Kung Fu films.

This one follows a young man with the really cool name of Fang Kang who's father was killed while protecting his teacher against a gang of kung-fuers. His father leaves Fang a sword which is broken in half and the grateful teacher takes the young boy under his wing and trains him in the ways of martial arts. Fang Kang isn't exactly excepted by his teachers disciples and in an argument gone wrong his fellow brothers and teachers daughter choose to sear off Fangs arm. This gory scene was probably pretty shocking for Chinese audiences back in the 60's. The blood squirts all over the place as our hero stumbles thru the snow with a severed limb.

Our One-Armed hero is brought back to health by a horny farm-girl who allows Fang to practice martial arts and master the techniques as a one-armed lefty. Its not long before Fang is slicing thru his enemies, chopping hands off and throwing arrows thru opponents heads. Throughout the film Fang struggles with the idea of living a peaceful life as a farmer or to be a bad-ass who can break any man in half with the use of only one arm. Luckily for us he seems to lean more towards the more violent life.

   One thing that makes this one so much different from the average Kung Fu flick is the fact that our main character is never seeking out revenge. In fact he fights his final battle to protect the ones who did him wrong. He even saves the life of the bitch who cut his arm off. Fang Kang has got to be one of the most forgiving and righteous characters in cinematic history. At times it almost gets annoying. You just want to see him take his stump of a sword and get some vengeance but that never happens.

One-Armed Swordsman would spawn a few sequels, remakes and ripoffs. It would also inspire films like The Cripple Masters and The Crippled Avengers. While the Kung Fu might not be overly amazing in this one the bloody mayhem and influential style makes it a must see for fans of Kung Fu films and the Samurai genre. Its a perfect blend!

 

Doc Of The Dead (2014)

What a piece of shit this is! Doc Of The Dead is supposed to be an in depth documentary on zombie films and the zombie obsessed phenomena that has taken over America.

 The lame-brains behind this crap-fest attempts to go back in history and look at the origins of the zombie film. Well they do go back and look at stuff like White Zombie and even a bit of the 50's stuff like Invisible Invaders then of course it brings us to the George A. Romero flesh eating zombies of modern day. What it fails to do is mention any of the rare cult films in the genre. No mention of people like Lucio Fulci or the Tombs Of The Blind Dead or Let Sleeping Corpses Lie. Instead it sticks with the oh so familiar Hollywood zombie films that the teens at the local mall probably have saved on their cellphones and the retarded zombie-loving youth who go on zombie-walks and do zombie car washes. God help us! As if this wasn't all bad enough Doc Of The Dead is jam packed with the worst music I have ever heard in my life. We get a bunch of shitty songs and really awful comedy segments with typical zombie film cliches. How about you show some cool scenes from the few good zombie films there are out there?

Personally I think the zombie genre as a whole is complete shit. Of course there are some great movies in the genre, like Romero's films and some of the splattery 80's stuff like Re-Animator but no other genre has ever spawned so much crap. Any dick-head with a camera chooses to make a zombie flick as their first feature. All they need is a cellphone and few equally retarded friends. Even the slasher genre has not spawned as much embarrassing shit.

The thing I found most interesting about this thing was that all of the old timers like Romero and Tom Savini are on the same page as me. They don't understand this obsession with zombies and these are the few guys who did it right. What is a zombie fan anyway? Is it someone who likes horror movies? Of course not! They are dumb teeny-boppers who discovered The Walking Dead on television and delved into some of the modern crap like Shaun Of The Dead or worse yet these crappy cgi infested zombie movies that they shit out every other day into our equally crappy multiplexes.

Wash off your zombie makeup, take that dumb bumper sticker off of your car and throw away your zombie survival guide. For anyone who are into the classic zombie films from the good ole days, don't waste your time with Doc Of The Dead.

Leaving Las Vegas (1995)

Sappy Hollywood love stories is usually not my bag but this one is a bit different. The nihilistic and downbeat vibe makes Leaving Las Vegas an interesting watch.

Nicolas Cage portrays a shattered man who heads to Las Vegas with plans of drinking himself to death. Literally! He bumps into a prostitute played by Elisabeth Shue who is equally damaged. Together the couple try their best to except one another for who they are and try to look past each others flaws. This is pretty hard to do when one has no desire to live outside a shabby relationship in Las Vegas. Nicolas Cage is great as the drunken lunatic he depicts. Aside from Barfly, I can not think of another film that showcases a helpless alcoholic in such an entertaining manner. Come to think of it Leaving Las Vegas and Barfly would probably make for a pretty good double feature.

We get plenty of drunken antics including falling thru glass tables, wake & shake withdrawals and just a whole slew of alchy ridiculousness. Elisabeth Shue does get topless for the cameras which is also not a bad thing and there are a few other naked ladies on display as well. This one sports some really twisted characters and when it is all said and done it is not your average romance flick. Sure you can enjoy this one with your best girl especially if you are into doomed Bonnie & Clyde type characters but I would imagine that Leaving Las Vegas would go best with people who like to drink. While this one might be a bit more dramatic then Barfly it still holds some of that comedic charm.