Hellhole (1985)

Why is this movie so god damn fun? Hellhole has very little going for it as far as production value, acting or even plot. This one has something else. It pulls you in with sheer bad taste and holds you all the way through. I really like this movie!

Busty, Judy Landers plays Susan, a dumb blond who witnesses her mother being killed by a leather clad weirdo with a scarf and mustache. The killers name is as ridiculous as his attire. He goes by the name of Silk. Silk is a sight for sore eyes. He is so over the top in wardrobe that he comes off looking less like a punker and more like a gay biker. Oh Silk, you are my hero. After killing Susan's mother, Silk takes after the titular blond and throws her off of the second story of a construction sight. Believing her to be dead Silk  takes off only to learn that Susan survived with amnesia and was placed in a loony bin for psychiatric examination. From here the film becomes more of a Women In Prison movie and less of a typical thriller.

 Silk disguises himself as a hospital orderly and stalks Susan, waiting for the perfect moment to get her alone. However Susan has much more to worry about and Silk just might be the least of her problems. The great cult icon Mary Woronov (Death Race 2000) plays Dr. Fletcher, a sadistic bitch who uses the patients as guinea pigs for her new drugs. The only problem is that the drugs tend to either kill the subject immediately or put them into a sort of zombie like state. Once the subjects become brain-dead drones they are brought to Hellhole! Hellhole is a second building outside the hospital where Dr. Fletcher practices her sick and twisted medical work. She also has a bunch of guards running around in what looks like NYPD uniforms. One of the goons is played by the biggest chin in cinema, Robert (Maniac Cop) Z'Dar. As always Robert Z'Dar's character is menacing and he seems to really have been enjoying this role.

 Hellhole is jam packed with titties and bush. We are treated to the typical women in prison shower scenes, cat fights and plenty of lesbian sex. The one and only disappointing factor here is that we never get to see Judy Landers in the nude. What a ripoff that is. She even has a shower scene and we don't even get a glimpse at those massive melons. Where we lack in the bare breasted Judy Landers department the film does make up for it with every other actress. Plenty-o-boobs on display here. In one of my favorite sex scenes a blond bimbo sneaks into Silk's room where he is transformed back into homo-punk. Silk takes some dirty pictures of the blond loony while she calls him daddy over and over again. The thing I find so funny about this is that when Silk leaves the doctors ward and enters his living quarters, does he immediately snap on his studded bracelets? Just a silly thought.

 Then there is the very random mud-bath scene in which Silk takes on a threesome in a tub full of mud. Don't worry, the girls still call him daddy. We also have some murder and mayhem. Axes come in handy, shards of broken glass are used, switchblades, billy clubs and giant syringes all act as instruments of death in Hellhole.

This one is a whole lot of fun and recommended for fans of women in prison movies, loony bin movies, or just fans of trash cinema in general. Its funny, its raunchy and  it would never be made today. For these reasons alone it is worth a watch.

Childs Play 2 (1990)

Personally not being the biggest fan of this series or what I like to call joke-ster horror. You know the type, those Freddy Kruger movies and just about everything else to come out of the late 80's. However while looking at the Childs Play series this one isn't all that bad. I like this sequel much better then the original and that rarely happens.

If you are in the mood for a silly Slasher type movie where you don't have to use your brain, this one can actually be kinda fun. Childs Play 2 takes off where the first film ended. Little Andy Barclay has been sent to an orphanage while his mother is being psycho analyzed in some loony bin but we never even see her in this movie, so fuck her. Of course the authorities don't believe either one of them that they were being stalked by a possessed, serial killer doll and its not long before Chucky pops back up in the picture. It just so happens that all the news around Andy and his mother has made for very bad publicity for Good Guy Dolls incorporated. The company has managed to acquire the so called possessed doll and is putting it through testing to see if the doll was in anyway defective. Well for some reason the company chooses to completely refurbish the ugly red headed killer toy and before you can say "I hate kids" Chucky is back in the swing of things and killing off humans.

Chucky manages to track down his old pal Andy, who is now living with a foster family. Jenny Agutter who I remember best as nurse Alex in American Werewolf In London plays Andy's new foster mother. Chucky makes sure he gives the new family hell before eventually killing everybody off. The best kill scene is when Andy's school teacher has a bicycle pump stabbed deep into her chest and then is beat to death with a yard stick. Other then that most of the kill scenes are typically silly which one could expect from a movie about a talking killer doll that came out in 1990.

However the films best moment is the climax. It is a gory cat and mouse scene in the Good Guy Doll factory. The whole end of the movie is done in good splattery fun. Eyeballs are pushed in, arms are ripped off and we also get a really cool head explosion. Even if the whole first half of the film is mediocre to lame the ending makes it all better. Childs Play 2 also offers up a plastic bag suffocation scene, a twisted neck breaking scene, a stabbing and an electrocution. As far as this series goes, I stick with Bride Of Chucky and this one. The rest of them are all pretty lame.

 

Sleepless Nights (1984)

You can probably guess by the cover on this shitty video that Sleepless Nights isn't exactly a good movie. In fact I only own this thing because it was included on a Helga Sven triple feature. Wait a minute... Why do I own a Helga Sven triple feature? Oh well, whatever!

What we have here is a typical 80's, shot on video piece of shit. It opens up with a rape scene in which Lili Marlene is attacked in her bathroom by a pervert in one of those clear masks. You know, the kind that can be seen in movies like Last House On Dead End Street or better yet Alice Sweet Alice. Well anyway as the rape scene goes on it becomes apparent that the victim is enjoy it possibly as much as our masked rapist. Oh and while all this is happening our horny victims husband is soundly asleep in the next room. While this opening scene makes it seem that Sleepless Nights has potential of becoming a rough sleaze-fest, the movie shifts gears instantly when we learn that this is just one of the many fantasies of our main character played by Lili Marlene. In fact the rest of the movie will be one fantasy after another and each one is more cheesy and dramatic then the last.

In case you are wondering, yes Sleepless Nights is yet another shot on video piece of shit from the 80's. It comes complete with crappy 80's love songs and plenty of bad acting. Chubby German Helga Sven does show up eventually for a fuck scene but quickly disappears. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. In another random moment the poster for Abel Ferrara's Ms. 45 appears and I'm not quite sure why. Its not like Sleepless Nights is a rape revenge flick or anything. The only other moments really worth talking about is an incestuous scene where our main character fantasizes about blowing her "kid brother" and one particularly raunchy foursome where a leather clad bimbo demands her clit be sucked while her asshole & cunt is finger-banged. The dialogue in this scene is just charming "Ass! Cunt!! Clit!!!" repeat this about one hundred times and you get the point after a while. Last but not least there is this weird sort of artsy-fartsy sex scene on a staircase in which horny groping hands reach up in true Repulsion fashion. Wait why am I making reference to Repulsion? This movie sucks.

Unless you enjoy shot on video crap from the 1980's or feel the need to own a Helga Sven triple feature??? You could probably skip this one all together.

Black Magic (1973)

Here's another off the wall psychotic horror gem from the Shaw Brothers. Typical of a Hong Kong horror flick Black Magic is all over the place with wall to wall mayhem and insanity. Warning! This one is perverse!

 So basically everyone in this movie is a horny bastard and this does include the women. For the sake of lust these hard-on's visit a Black Magic priest who is equally horny and perverted. For the right price this witch doctor will cast a spell and make someone fall in love with you. These love spells can last as little as a day or for a few years, this is of course up to the witch doctor. He also has the power to cast a "death spell" which happens to be his strongest spell. If the Black Magic priest chooses, he can kill you within three days.

   I love the methods and ingredients that the evil magician demands before casting a spell. It seems like he is just living out his own perverse fetishes. In one of the films most sleazy and memorable moments the witch doctor tells his client that he will need her breast milk. When she informs him that she is not pregnant and doesn't have any milk, the pervy old doctor gives her a concoction and before you know it this asian hottie is shooting tit-milk into a bowl. Now if thats not awesome, I don't know what is. Aside from all the hot milky lactation action we do have some centipede eating in this one. A Hong Kong horror flick without some centipede action is like a gay porn without mustaches. Its just wrong! So we do have that going for us. Oh and we also have a centipede puking scene as well just in case if you enjoy seeing it come up as much as it going down. Yum!

 We also have the expected hopping ghosts. I'm sorry they don't appear to be vampires in this one but did I mention this movie is perverted? This one is jam packed with bare breasted women and plenty of sex scenes. In one odd moment a woman has some paste shoved up her crotch and rice is pulled out? Not quite sure what was going on there but either way its bound to put a twinkle in your eye. We also see a human chin get set on fire and nasty moment where worms are crawling around under a woman's skin. I couldn't help but think how much cooler this is then the HELP ME scene in The Exorcist. Eventually a knife is plunged into the woman's back and the worms come falling out. Yuck!

Black Magic comes to its conclusion when we learn that there is a good witch doctor out there. Does he have his own movie, White Magic? You never know with the Shaw Brothers. The two magicians duke it out with some silly magic-fu and we all live happily after. Well that is at least until the sequel. I am aware of the fact that there is a Black Magic part 2 out there which I have not been lucky enough to see yet but it is on the list of things to do.

If you're a fan of this filthy shit, you would probably also dig Seeding Of A Ghost another horror smut-fest from the Shaw Brothers. However I have warn the Kung Fu fanatics that there is absolutely no martial arts in this movie and when I say none that means none. Sorry guys seek out another one if thats what you're looking for. Still Black Magic will kick you in the balls. This one is just great!

Don't Look Now (1973)

This British, Italian co-production is mainly shot on the canals of Venice. An ideal setting for a thriller mystery. At times the canals appear to be very peaceful and others they are dark and creepy. In Some scenes they are spacious and others they are claustrophobic. In Don't Look Now the locations act as a character themselves and this just might be the films strongest point.

This one follows a married couple (Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie) who tragically lost their daughter. The little girl drown in a murky lake while playing in the yard. The unexplained death left the married couple emotionally distraught and now they fight to pick up the pieces of their lives. Donald Sutherland plays John Baxter who's profession is in the restoration of art in ancient churches. Business has taken Mr, and Mrs. Baxter to Venice where they meet two elderly sisters, one of which is a blind psychic. Eventually the creepy, old, blind, hag convinces Mrs. Baxter that her dead daughter is trying to communicate with her and her husband. She also claims the dead girl delivers a warning, that "as long as they stay in Venice her husbands life is at risk".

 Being a man of logic (no he is not religious) John Baxter doesn't buy into the bullshit that the old bags are laying on his wife. This all starts to change when he almost meets his fate in a church. John starts to have premonitions which do not become clear until the films final moments. Throw a deranged serial killer into the mix who in running around Venice, killing off young women and leaving the corpses in the canal and the viewer is never quite sure which way the film is going to turn. Is it in fact a supernatural movie with a ghostly little girl? Is it all in the minds of the distraught parents? Or does the killer have a bigger a part in all of this? I wont be a total bastard and give the twist ending away but I will point out the films high points.

This one offers up a steamy love scene between Sutherland and Christie which is almost to romantic for my taste but its also kinda weird and artsy which makes it interesting to look at. Julie Christie bares it all for the camera in this one and so does Sutherland. Now I know Donald Sutherland has never been shy and has quite a few nude scenes in his filmography but I can't help but wonder if the guy is a bit of an exhibitionist. Perhaps he requests to do nude scenes like Harvey Keitel. Just a thought... Anyway being the childish moron that I am I can't help but chuckle at the bare-ass Donald Sutherland scenes. We also have a creepy dwarf thrown into the mix and of course the blind psychic who wears those creepy, foggy contact lenses which always remind me of The Beyond. There is also a really cool scene where the killer is revealed and a kitchen knife is pushed through a unsuspecting victims neck. This scene is quite gory and unexpected from a film which is done more on the classy side.

While I personally prefer my horror to be a bit more on the raunchy side I suppose Don't Look Now was done pretty well for what it is. This one is more of a psychological thriller but does have some great moments. Not the best thriller I have ever seen but certainly not the worst.

Midnight Blue Collection : Clebrities Edition Volume 3 (2006)

For those who are unfamiliar with Midnight Blue, it was a late night public access show which started around 1974. Run and hosted by Al Goldstein, the publisher for Screw Magazine, one could probably guess what the show consisted of. Midnight Blue served as another outlet for Goldstein to fight against censorship and give us the dirt. The show mainly consisted of interviews with porn stars of the time and filthy commercials.

What we have here is a compilation of Midnight Blue moments concerning celebrities other then porn stars. Midnight Blue Collection volume 3 offers up some truly hilarious moments. My favorite interview is probably with Gilbert Gottfried in which he tells big Al that "Pussy tastes like chicken" and that he will fuck just about any animal in the world except Al. Goldstein laughs so hard in his Gottfried interview that he can hardly catch a breath. Another amazing moment is in the Debbie (Blondie) Harry interview where we learn that Debbie has fucked black men and "they don't necessarily have larger dicks then a white man" she also enjoys the taste of pussy and has had quite a few lesbian experiences. Then we have a very bizarre chat with Tiny (Tip Toe Through The Tulips) Tim where he tells us of his strange and creepy sexual habits. This has to be seen to be believed. Amongst the others who show up is Al (Grandpa Munster) Lewis, Russ Meyer (Faster Pussycat Kill Kill), Arnold Schwarzenegger, O.J. Simpson, R. Crumb, Larry Flynt and Penn & Teller.

Aside from the interviews we get the official SCREW YOU!!! rants from Al Goldstein and we hear his hatred for the likes of Jane (Barbarella) Fonda... How can anyone hate Jane Fonda?, Jack Nicholson, Sean Penn, Howard Stern and Donald Trump.

We also have plenty of filthy infomercials and some pornographic sex scandals caught on film such as the Barbra Streisand stag film, Robert Lowe's sex tape and that stupid tape in The Go Go's dressing room.

Midnight Blue is the kind of humor that is a perfect for those who aren't up tight, dislike censorship and are perhaps a bit on the the perverted side. If you do not fit into these categories I feel its okay if I speak for big Al. Fuck You!!!

 

Centerfold Fever (1981)

This early 80's XXX porno flick has some pretty funny moments. Directed by Richard Mailer (Rape Victims) and starring lots of heavy hitters in the smut industry. Robert Kerman a.k.a. R. Bolla (Cannibal Holocaust, Debbie Does Dallas, Come With Me My Love) plays Mr. Scuzzi, a editor for an adult magazine. His name suits him just right because Kerman's character all though hilarious is out right sleazy. Mr. Scuzzi puts out a add for a new intern with the intentions of manipulating the new gal into posing nude. His real goal is to find the perfect centerfold.

A young Ron Jeremy (All The Way In, Citizen Toxie) plays "The Maniac", the magazines photographer. They call him The Maniac because sometimes while on a shoot he goes ape-shit crazy in a sexual frenzy, rips off all of his clothes and joins in on the action. What a maniac! Ron The Maniac Jeremy offers up many of the films laughs. In one scene he shakes his hips and turns his massive rod into a spinning helicopter while juggling apples. He also does the old Inside Seka gag and sucks his own pecker! However my favorite Ronny moment is his scene with Annie Sprinkle (Bizarre Styles). The dialogue is just way too funny in this scene. Annie is great as always and plays a nympho swinging wife who acts out a triple suck-job and then preforms her booby ballet? The booby ballet scene is terrific and must be seen first hand. Oh Annie, I love you!

Some of Centerfold Fever's  other highlights consist of Marc Steven's who plays himself as Mr. Ten And A Half. Marc Steven's has a maid named heather who comes to his command. In his best moment Marc flips his lid when he is asked if he is really ten and a half inches. He demands his penis is measured immediately "measure it from the asshole". When it turns out to be under ten inches he demands a blowjob so it can grow to its full potential. During this oral scene he calls to his maid "Heather! Assume the normal position" heather promptly gets on her burned up knees and tosses Mr. Ten And A Half's salad. After Marc Steven's busts his nut he has this to say "Heather! Please clean up this spill". There is also a giant movie theater orgy. The perverts in a sleazy movie house all get it on while watching cheesy porno trailers. One of the trailers is called Deep Sheep, a fictitious bestiality flick in which we get to "See Annie Sprinkle milk the cow". Next up we have a demented little S&M scene in which a leather clad bimbo ties her labia in a knot.

While there might not be the worlds best plot in this one, there is enough silly shenanigans going on to keep this one fresh and fun through the running time.

  

Rawhide Terror (1934)

Written and produced by Victor Adamson, the father of the great schlock-meister Al Adamson (Satan's Sadists, Girls For Rent). I think it is safe to say like father, like son. This has to be one of the most cheesy, wackiest, weirdest westerns I have ever seen.

  A bunch of dirt-bags pose as wild Indians and terrorize a family of four who are having a nice picnic. They rob the father of his gold and then brutally murder him execution style. The mother is next to go. For some reason they let the two children survive. One of them runs off into the woods while insanely laughing to himself and the youngest boy of the two is left behind with his dead parents. Now we jump forward in time a good 12 years or so and the criminals are being killed one by one. The man doing the killings is a masked phantom type known only as the Rawhide killer. The whole community is hot on the trail of the masked villain but he always seems to be one step ahead and gets away every time.

 The Rawhide Terror is packed to the gills with flaws. The acting is ridiculous, the action is not very eventful and the audio has certainly seen better days, there are still some things that make this one worth a watch. First off the Rawhide Killer is outright absurd. With his giant over-bite and silly attire, you can't really help but like this guy. Then there is the fact that we are indeed watching a western but the killer chooses to strangle his victims rather then shoot them. Aside from that there isn't a whole lot more going on in this one but what can you expect from what was supposed to be an old time serial. What we are actually seeing today is a pieced together hour or so long feature version of the serial.

Probably only worth a watch for lovers of truly bad cinema and of course Al Adamson fanatics but then again I would assume they would be one in the same.

 

Schoolgirls In Chains (1973)

What do you get when you mix Mothers Day with Barn Of The Naked Dead? You get School Girls In Chains of course. This one went under quite a few different titles, It was originally going to be called The Black Widow which is a relatively boring title. It was also known as Abducted, Abduction, Come Play With Us and Lets Play Dead. It is most widely known under its most exploitative title School Girls In Chains and now for some reason the Code Red DVD release of it is just entitled Girls In Chains. What ever you want to call this one it doesn't change the fact that this one is Sick! Sick! Sick!

   I absolutely love this movie. It follows two brothers, Frank and John. Frank is a hulking lunatic played by Gary Kent who has tons of exploitation credits to his name (Satans Sadists, Black Klansman, Thrill Killers) and John is a depraved, greasy retard with the intellect of an eight year old. The two brothers have some serious mommy issues and obey her every order. Luckily for these two sicko's mommy lets them keep girls locked up in the basement. The girls in the basement serve as Johnny's personal toys. He takes them out and plays with them when he is bored. The games they play have to be seen to be believed. It seems that John's favorite game is doctor. "Lets play doctor" now I always knew that playing doctor was naughty but when Johnny plays this game it is out right disturbing. First he makes the girls take their clothes off. Then he jabs their breasts with a wire hanger that he pretends is a stethoscope. Then he makes them swallow pills and stabs them in the ass with a home made syringe. "Let me check your bottom".

Aside from Johnny's sick and twisted version of playing doctor we are also treated to one of the weirdest scenes ever in exploitation horror. It is the leap frog scene. Yes you heard that right, fucking leap frog. In one of the movies greatest moments we see Johnny the retard playing leap frog with a frightened young girl. The girl is pretty much naked on all fours, scared out of her wits while Johnny jumps around like a idiot and hops over her again and again. Who thinks this stuff up? Leap frog?

While Johnny spends most of the movie tormenting his play things, we see a whole lot less of Frank but when Frank does come into the picture he is more ruthless and horrible then his numb-skull brother. In one scene Frank very awkwardly rapes one of his brothers female toys. After the rape Frank proceeds to tell his victim that he had a girlfriend once but she left him when she found out that he wets the bed occasionally and has been having sex with his mommy since he was 15 years old. This is all told through a flashback which is also pretty disturbing. We watch Frank grope his mothers boobs as his soon to be wife watches in horror.

There are a few other twists and turns in this one but we all know we didn't come into this one for a brilliant story. We really came here to see retards have their way with chained up women and thats what we get. The movie does have some problems with the audio. At certain times the sound gets very low, making it hard to hear the dialogue. There is also a very strange choice of music in this one which I have to admit I'm very partial to. The film does offer up some surprisingly nice cinematography and we can thank director Don Jones for much of that. Don Jones also did the camera work on House Of Seven Corpses and would go on to direct the 80's Slasher The Forest.

So check this one out for some fun with a maniacal rape happy family, retards and of course LEAP FROG!!!

The House With Laughing Windows (1976)

The Hose With Laughing Windows isn't your typical Giallo. It focuses more on atmosphere and mood then it does on gore and carnage. The creepy tone is more reminiscent of a gothic, haunted house movie or something that Mario Bava would have done then it is to later movies in the genre. Tho I didn't catch any windows "laughing" the doors and windows do seem to open and close on their own accord, which adds a sort of supernatural element to the movie. None of this is ever explained, which I find to be slightly annoying. I'm just gonna assume that the buildings in this movie were built on unlevel grounds and that is why these windows seem to have free will.

Stefano is hired by a midget to restore a painting in a church. It just so happens that the painting holds very dark secrets and has a sinister background. It turns out that the artist was a psychopath named Legnani.
As the secrets unfold, we learn that Legnani was most interested in the dying. The only problem is that he wasn't waiting for his subjects to die of natural causes. Legnani had two sisters, who perhaps were more mentally unhinged then he was. They would abduct unwilling subjects, torture and kill them so Legnani could paint them. Pretty interesting plot going on in this one. The only problem is that there is way to much of the talky stuff and very little murder and mayhem. As I said this one relies much more on its atmosphere and story line.

 By the time Stefano learns of the two sisters it is to late. Everyone around disappears or ends up dead. Its not long before Stefano is running for his life. The House With Laughing Windows does have a twist ending that I highly doubt anyone would see coming. It comes completely out of nowhere in true Giallo fashion with little or no hints. Although I really did like this movie I would say it doesn't have the highest replay value. If only they added in one or two more deaths in the earlier part of the film, it would help this thing move along at a better pace. However die-hard Giallo collectors will undoubtedly like this movie.

***Spoiler alert***
It really is the ending that makes this whole thing worth while. It turns out that the local priest is actually a woman. While it may be the norm for a Italian Giallo to use the priest as a psychotic killer I have never seen the priest expose a melon heavy tit to the audience and start speaking in a woman's voice. Awesome!! Aside from the transsexual priest, House With Laughing Windows offers up three pretty violent stabbing scenes and all of them are shown in close up with all the gory detail. In another scene a man is thrown from a window and left with an achy-breaky skull on the pavement, We also get a relatively nasty rape scene where a cackling, church going psycho has his way with a unwilling victim who is wearing some of the largest underwear in cinematic history. I mean it! Her panties make those 60's Nudie Cuties underpants look like dental floss g-strings. Aside from that we get one or two off screen murders for the sake of plot but when it is all said and done the the violence in the movie is kept to a minimum.

Harry Novak's Box Office Bonanza Of Sexploitation Trailers & Featurettes # 2 (1992)

Among the things in life I love most is sleazy trailers from the exploitation days. I also have a life long obsession with Something Weird Video. Luckily for me the two go hand in hand. Nobody does a better job of jam packing their DVD's with crazy trailer's then Something Weird. They also have released tons of trashy trailer compilations which is just perfect for a weirdo like me. Among the best of Something Weird's trailer comps is of course The Extra Weird Sampler which can often be found in the used bin at the local video store and then some of the rarer tapes like Monsterama Sci-Fi Late Night Creature Feature Show Vol. 1.

While Harry Novak's Box Office Bonanza Of Sexploitation Trailers & Featurettes # 2 might not be the best of trailer comilations or even the best of Something Weird Video's compilations it still does have some gems. Here is a list of the trailers that this one has to offer.

Please Don't Eat My Mother
Sweet Georgia
Midnight Plowboy
Tobacco Roody
Country Hooker
Southern Comforts
Country Cuzzins
The Pig Keepers Daughter
Sassy Sue
The Dirty Mind Of Young Sally
Teenage Bride
Massage Parlor Wife
Bellow The Belt
Wild Free & Hungry
Erikas Hot Summer
When Men Carried Clubs And Women Played Ding Dong
The Concubines
The Toy Box
Wilbur And The Baby Factory
The Booby Trap

This one also comes complete with a stag film called The Peepers which isn't all that good. So all in all we get a total of 21 trailers and one stag film. Many times these trailer compilations will group together trailers by genre. They attempted to do so with this one but it didn't work out so well in the end. The main thing that hurts this one is the big section of hillbilly sexploitation trailers. The next one plays exactly like the last and after a while it gets a little tired. However there are still some great ones. After all The Booby Trap is one of my all time favorite trailers. The Toy Box is also really cool. One of the weirdest on this tape is When Men Carried Clubs And Women Played Ding Dong. I never even heard of that one until now and let me tell ya, it looks pretty crazy. This one is only recomended for die-hard trailer fanatics but I'm sure you would have already guessed that.

Dont Go To Sleep (1982)

I know its hard to believe but in the 70's and 80's every once and a while there would be a made for television horror flick that is actually kind of cool. The two that usually come to mind for me is Bad Ronald and The Crawlspace, not to be mistaken for the movie with Klaus Kinski of the same title.

This one most certainly scared quite a few families in the early 80's. The thing that is so surprising about Don't Go To Sleep is how well done it all is. The story is good and creepy, the camera work never seems cheesy like in so many other made for TV movies and probably most importantly the acting is really good. This especially goes for Robin Ignico who was only 12 years old when she stared in this movie as Mary a psychotic little girl who hangs out with ghosts and kills just about everyone in her family one by one. Its hard to give this a sub genre classification because it has so many different elements to it. It's kind of a hanuntings and ghosts movie but its also a killer child movie but then at the same time it deals with a lot of drama. In fact Don't Go To Sleep is very sad at times. We watch an extremely dysfunctional family deal with problem after problem. Of course everything gets worse when they start to be killed one by one but none the less the movie is a roller coaster of emotions. If I had to describe Don't Go To Sleep with one word I would probably just call it DEPRESSING. However it still manages to deliver the creepy stuff.

 So if you're into depressing movies or psychotic murdering children you could do worse then this. I'm personally really bored with the modern approach of creepy little girl ghost movies so this one was a breath of fresh air. It kind of plays like a less sleazy version of Cathy's Curse with some elements of Carrie thrown in. It also comes complete with a twist ending which I won't be giving away. However some of the highlights include crash and burn cars with children in it. A child falling to his death, a nice comfy bath scene with a zappy radio, a murderous lizard named Ed and one of the weirdest choices of weapons to ever hit the television screen. A pizza cutter? If I had some little brats of my own I would surely sit down and enjoy this one with the family.

Pigs (1972)

Here's another strange one from the demented 70's. Originally titled Daddys Deadly Darling, which is a very suiting title considering the director Marc Lawrence used his own daughter for the psychotic killer and lead actress. Toni Lawrence plays Lynn Hart, a girl with a whole lot of problems.

Pigs opens up with a bang. Its a incestuous rape scene between father and daughter. After daddy forces himself on his daughter his little girl gets her revenge by stabbing him to death. Little Lynn Hart stabs daddy over and over again with a big kitchen knife. The beautiful thing is that this all happens within the first few seconds of the movie. Now they certainly have my attention. Now we jump forward in time and Lynn Hart is in a mental institution where she is receiving psychiatric help. It seems that Lynn's daddy issues have only gotten worse with time. She spends most of her time talking to her dead, rapist father on the telephone and refuses to admit that he is dead.

Lynn manages to escape from the loony bin and winds up at a remote roadside cafe and hotel run by a old nut-bag named Zambrini. The character of Zambrini is really what makes Pigs worth watching. This guy is as socially awkward as they come. He rants on and on in a very insane manner. I can only really relate it to the madness of characters in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) or something like that. Lets just say this guy is out there. Aside from his awkwardness around people Zambrini has some very strange hobbies. It just so happens that behind the cafe Zambrini has a pig pen full of hogs, hence the title of the movie. The only problem is that Zambrini is feeding these Pigs human flesh. Bodies dissapear from the local morgue and apparently all of the women who have worked at Zambrini's cafe have also gone up missing. The odd thing is that everyone in town, including the authorities seem to know about this but there is always "a lack of proof" that Zambrini is involved, so basically the police ignore the problem and refuse to search the property. Instead dip-shit head police officer just asks Zambrini every few days if he is doing anything wrong and when Zambrini says No! the police just take his word for it and move on.

As the film goes on Lynn and Zambrini develop a strange father and daughter relationship but its not long before Lynn is knocking off the local men. Apparently there aren't to many good looking gals in this town and all the men want a grab at Lynn's massive mellons. "Im attracted to you. We don't see to many attractive women in these parts". The only problem is that when a man gets on top of Lynn, she goes ape-shit and has daddy flashbacks of rape. Naturally she slashes the horny men up with her trusty straight razor in true Giallo fashion. Zambrini covers up his new daughters crimes and feeds the corpses to his Pigs. Over all Pigs is a pretty good watch. It does have some problems with the editing and some times its a bit to dark to see whats going on but as whole its a pretty enjoyable piece of trash from the sick and twisted 70's. This one has some really crazy characters, flesh eating Pigs, stabbings, slashings, and of course a really stupid police force. My kind of movie.