Phenomena (1985)

Phenomena is one of the most entertaining Dario Argento movies. It has everything a Argento fan could ask for, Gory murders, nice cinematography, a pretty good plot, a cool soundtrack, Donald Pleasence, a deformed killer child and of course a straight razor wielding chimp on a murderous rampage.

If that's not cool I don't know what is. A young Jennifer Connelly plays the insect loving lead in this unusual Giallo. Not only does she love insects but they love her too. The girl and the insects have a sort of telepathic connection and when she gets mixed up in the middle of a serial killers mystery the bugs come to her rescue and help her solve the crime. Unfortunately this comes at a high price for the young girl. She becomes the killers next target and again calls to her creepy crawly friends for help. What she actually endures is quite disturbing and has to be seen to be believed.

Its hard to decide who the best character is in this one because there are so many good ones but for me it has to be the pissed off killer chimp. Donald Pleasence plays a wheelchair bound cripple who spends most of his time with insects and his pet monkey. When he falls victim to the gloved serial killer the chimp goes bat-shit crazy and seeks revenge with a straight razor. Apparently this primate wasn't only mean on screen because during filming it bit Jennifer Connelly's finger off. It had to be sewn back on. Apparently the chimp was really nasty to her thru the entire filming. Perhaps the chimp was also telepathic and didn't like the fact that Connelly would be doing The Labyrinth with David Bowie in the following year.

 Aside from the vicious chimp, Phenomena sports some violence with scissors, a spear is shoved thru a girls head, faces are shoved thru glass windows, throats are slit and in a very nasty scene a handcuffed cop must smash and mangle his own hand to get out of the cuffs in a brilliant and gory pre Saw scene. There is also plenty of maggot-fu in this one. In one of the films most disturbing scenes a girl falls into a maggot filled pit of rotten corpses. This scene makes me want to puke every time. Phenomena was also released in a heavily cut version known as Creepers. It can be found in many public domain boxsets or in the dollar bin at the local video store. However the cut version is so brutally butchered it isn't worth fifty cents. Seek this one out in its true, gory, uncut form. You wont regret it. Its a must see for anyone who digs gory Italian Giallo's.

She-Devils On Wheels (1968)

Here's another great one from The Godfather Of Gore Herschell Gordon Lewis. This one comes in the form of a Bikersploitation film. Typical of an H.G. Lewis film She-Devils On Wheels is quite different from the average biker film.

A all girl biker gang known as The Man-Eaters are concerned with two things. The first is riding their motorcycles and the second in men. "You treat men like a slab of meat". These chicks have one major rule. No boyfriends! Getting it on with as many men as possible is the key here but if you get hung up on a particular guy, you are dead meat! In one of the most memorable scenes a gang member does just that. They teach the girl a lesson by beating the tar out of lover-boy and force his girlfriend to drag his bloody body from the back of her chopper. As one would expect from Mr. Lewis this is shown in gory detail. The film also offers up a blood caked rape victim and a gory decapitation that comes complete with a head flying thru the air in slow motion.

With a plot like this one would think it would be an excuse for tons of naked female flesh and it would play more like a Sexploitation flick but oddly enough this is not the case. In fact the is absolutely no nudity in the entire film, not one bit of tit. You never know what you're going to get with a Herschell Gordon Lewis film except that its probably going to be crazy and done in total bad taste.

Unlike other biker flicks that pass themselves off as girl-gang movies like Hells Bells, Angels Wild Women and The Hellcats, She-Devils On Wheels actually casts real biker chicks and only one of them was an actor. So as one would expect the acting is totally ridiculous here but that is nothing new for a H.G. Lewis film. Another thing that makes this one so strange is the fact that these supposedly rough and tough street girls never use profanity. Instead they deliver absurd insults that a grandmother might use "why don't you fumigate yourself crap-head". However where these broads lack in the verbal abuse department they make up for it with violence. In very unbelievable gang fights we watch these chicks destroy gangs of men. They beat em with fists, boots and chains and win every time. Even the cops can't stop The Man-Eaters.

The original title for this movie was going to be Man-Eaters On Motorbikes but Lewis wisely changed it to the more exploitative title of She-Devils On Wheels. This thing comes complete with a bad-ass theme song called Get Off The Road which has been covered by multiple bands including The Cramps. If you dig crazy and violent biker films and you can stand the unintentional ridiculousness then this one is perfect.

Little Shop Of Horrors (1986)

26 years after the release of Roger Corman's 1960 cult classic Little Shop Of Horrors comes this musical remake. Taken from the success of the off Broadway show this has to be one of the most bizarre remakes of all time.

While big Hollywood, family orientated productions is usually not my bag I have to admit that due to how weird it all is its a interesting watch. Rick Moranis plays Seymour, the nerdy clerk at a flower shop in "skid row". He comes across a strange plant which he believes is a sort of flytrap. Eventually Seymour will learn that the plant is in fact a blood thirsty meat-eater from outer space. How does he learn this you ask? The plant speaks of course. The foul mouthed jive talking plant even sings and thats just plain wacky. The plant promises Seymour success under one circumstance... Seymour must provide the plant with human victims and its not long before Seymour is chopping up a dentist with an axe and feeding his limbs to the killer plant.

 Steve Martin plays a sadistic dentist who rides a motorcycle and comes complete with a leather jacket and enjoys beating his girlfriend, inhaling medical gas and of course torturing his patients with a variety of dental tools. In my personal favorite moment Bill Murray shows up as a sadomasochist who is looking to be tortured in Steve Martins dental chair. This is the kind of scene that is kinda weird to think of families watching together. While it is all done in typical Bill Murray fun the idea of it itself is a bit sick and twisted. I remember as a kid I could not understand what was going on. I just though Bill Murray was being silly again.

  John Candy also pops up in here for a cameo and offers up a few laughs. I personally couldn't help but think about Planes, Trains And Automobiles which would come out a year later and star Steve Martin and John Candy. They both had supporting roles in Little Shop and of course would be the stars of the John Hughes film.

The budget on this thing was enormous and it shows. Estimated to be filmed for $25,000,000 the special effects are awesome. When putting it in comparison to Roger Corman's 27 thousand it seems all the more bizarre.

If you can stand musicals Little Shop Of Horrors is probably the best of the whole shitty bunch. Its light hearted family entertainment but its possibly weird enough for monster movie fanatics and horror fans. "Feed me Seymour"

Blood Feast 2 : All You Can Eat (2002)

Way back in 1963 the great Herschell Gordon Lewis painted us a blood soaked picture with what he believed to be the first gore film ever made. That movie was of course Blood Feast. H.G. Lewis being a pioneer in exploitation cinema has touched upon just about every tasteless taboo that one could hope to see on the screen. However it was Blood Feast and his gore films that he is mostly remembered for today.

In the 80's a bunch of fan-boys put out a pretty fun sequel to Blood Feast which is widely known as Blood Diner rather then its alternate title Blood Feast 2. Jump forward to 2002 and H.G. Lewis himself makes his come back for the first time in 30 years with his official follow up to the cult classic Blood Feast. It went under the title of Blood Feast 2 : All You Can Eat. Its sad to say considering Lewis is amongst my all time favorite directors but Blood Diner is probably the better of the two sequels but none the less Herschell still delivers the blood and guts in the follow up to what he created all those years ago.

 For those familiar with the original and the cannibalistic villain Fuad Ramses who met his fate at the end of the film, All You Can Eat brings us the great great grandson of the Egyptian cannibal and he goes by no other name then Fuad Ramses III. Fuad III looks kinda like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction with his long slicked back hair and button down shirts but instead of being a bad-ass gun-slinging mofo he is back to his grandfathers old tricks and hacking up young girls for a bloody feast which will be held in the name of Ishtar the goddess. Blood Feast 2 offers up plenty of bloodletting with graphic on screen murders. Make sure to pick up the uncut copy so you don't miss any of this gory mayhem. In the films most nasty moment we see Fuad dig a corkscrew deep into a woman's ear. The blood and carnage pours from the screaming woman's head in gory delight. We also get multiple throat slashings, a tongue is ripped out, eyes are plucked from the sockets, women are disemboweled, brains are pulled from achy-breaky skulls, hands are shoved into meat grinders, fingers are cut off and we are also treated to tons of vomit-fu from the character of detective Meyers who pukes at every crime scene.

   All You Can Eat relies pretty heavily on comedy with typical bad Jim Carrey impersonations and over the top acting. However I can't help but love some of the characters in here. We have a fat detective named Loomis who eats excessively at every crime scene while his partner vomits, we get a bunch of hot chicks who strip nude for the camera and model their favorite underwear during a lingerie party and even John Waters shows up as a pervy child loving priest. If you look closely you can also spot Herschell's partner David F. Friedman.

By no means does this thing stand up to the original film in weirdness of shockingness but its still worth owning for H.G. Lewis fanatics. It has its moments and doesn't shy off on the blood but I still can't help but with Lewis took it a bit more serious instead of making what seems like one big joke and homage to a timeless trash film known as Blood Feast

Seka's Fantasies (1981)

Not much of a plot going on in this one but still watchable. Seka plays Fantasia, who runs a business that allows all your fantasies to come true. Just call Fantasia's hot line and let the blond bombshell know what it is that you crave and she will make the arrangements.

The only problem is that everybody seems to have the same fantasy here. They really should have called this movie Seka's Double Penetration Service because that is what we get in almost every scene. Just about every girl in the movie catches one in the pink and one in the stink in hot & sloppy d.p. scenes. While I have no problem watching women become a sandwich of love it always bugs me out when I see a man blast nutmeg all over another mans genitals and let me tell you there is plenty of that in Seka's Fantasies. If we are not watching scenes of double penetration we are watching giant orgies. I guess the main idea in this one is that it takes more then two to tango.

Seka looks great in this movie and her sex scenes are above par. Herschel Savage who has close to a thousand credits to his name shows up in the films hottest sex scene and gives the best performance I have ever seen him give. Again he will get the d.p. man-milk treatment. Yuck! There is also a pretty funny moment where Seka or Fantasia walks in on her lover with another woman. Fantasia immediately jumps on the woman and starts beating the hell out of her. The two women get in a cat fight and rip each others clothes off. The boobs bounce as the fists fly. Eventually Fantasia beats her enemy into submission and sits on her face. Awesome! As one would expect the acting is pretty terrible in this but the rest of the film is half way decent. Good sex scenes, good camera angles and at least they attempted to have a story going on and that is more then you could say about the porno films of today. So if you dig double penetration or just feel the need to see Seka in another sex romp you might want to check this one out.

Bride Of The Gorilla (1951)

Bride Of The Gorilla is a hard movie to classify and place in a genre. I suppose you could try to lump it in with all those killer gorilla movies from the 30's but this one has very little gorilla suit action. It is almost more of a witch flick with voodoo and black magic.

Dina is a sexy dancing blond who has grown tired of her elderly husband and life in the jungle. She wastes away her days dancing in her low cut leopard print outfits or flirting with her husbands workers. Barney in particular strikes her attention. When Dina's husband learns that Barney is making a move for his hot young wife he fires him but Barney convinces Dina to run off with him. Instead of leaving Barney sucker punches his old boss in the guts and leaves him for snake food in the jungle. About this time Lon (The Wolf Man) Chaney Jr. shows up as a cop who wants to convict Barney for murder but with lack of evidence he has no case to build. However it just so happens that an old witch witnessed Barney kill his boss but instead of turning him in to the police she places a voodoo curse on the murdering scum. 

The curse turns Barney into a sort of wild beast by night who roams around in the jungle and kills animals. Its only a matter of time before the beast starts hunting humans as well. This thing is full of plot holes and it really doesn't make to much sense in the end. Barney appears normal to those around him but when he looks in a mirror or a lake he is gorilla. However natives of the jungle claim they have seen him in beast form terrorizing the jungle.

Bride Of The Gorilla may not be the best movie ever made but it runs just over an hour and still manages to be cheesily entertaining. From Lon Chaney Jr. to the bad gorilla suit it serves as nothing more then a time waster. Nothing overly memorable in here but you could do worse.

The Living Corpse (1967)

The Living Corpse also known as Dracula In Pakistan was the first of its kind to come from the highly religious and censored country of Pakistan. In fact there was only one previous horror film ever in the country. For this reason The Living Corpse serves to be one of the most rebellious and dangerous films ever made.

 Unlike India which has a somewhat more relaxed censors code, Pakistan has never had a film which was restricted for adults until this adaption of Dracula. The censors board passed the film with an "adults only" certificate for the first time under one condition. The conditions was that the filmmakers would never again attempt to make a film with such a dark story. The Pakistani film industry was sure that The Living Corpse would be a miserable failure and pretty much go unseen. They were of course proven wrong when it was an instant success. The Living Corpse proved to be a big hit and the people of Pakistan flocked to the film in droves to see the first ever adults only film.

  By western standards it is hard to understand how this movie would be restricted in any sense. The scenes where vampires dig their fangs into victims are almost entirely cut and of course there is no nudity or anything like that. The filmmakers were even forced to add religious texts to the beginning of the film so the viewers did not feel they were doing something blasphemous by going to see it. Being an atheist I can't help but feel sorry for such a blind and socially bound country. Since there are not vampires in Pakistani folk lore the story is a bit different. It almost seems to be a cross between Dracula and The Invisible Man. The film starts off with a sort of mad scientist who is working on the elixir of eternal life. Well the concoction turns out to have very different effects. Upon drinking the elixir our scientist drops dead. He is placed in a coffin in the basement of his mansion only to return as a blood thirsty vampire. From here it becomes a pretty standard retelling of Dracula and seems to be more influenced by Hammer Studios 1957 version The Horror Of Dracula.

 In one of my favorite moments Dracula says to a guest at his mansion "Children of the night... The music they make would not appeal to a city dweller like you" of course being an odd twist on the famous "creatures of the night... what lovely music they make" line from the Bela Lugosi classic. This is just one of the many bizarre takes on the classic 1931 film. The Living Corpse also adds in the expected song and dance numbers that one would expect from a movie of this region. It also comes complete with a very creepy scene that I can't believe passed the censors board. When a female vampire tries to take Dracula's victim for herself. Dracula throws her what looks like a bloody baby wrapped in a sheet and says "Feast on this". This unexpected disturbing imagery  is not the only shock in the film. We also have a vampire melt down and knives plunged into chests of vampires. One thing I found interesting is that the violence towards women seems to be shown more on screen then the violence towards men. This again possibly shows the mentality of a backwards society. When it is all said and done The Living Corpse is a entertaining watch for Dracula fans. The lighting and camera work is exceptionally well done and it manages to keep a creepy gothic atmosphere.

This one was released on DVD with English subtitles from the cool dudes at Mondo Macabro. The DVD is worth a watch for anyone interested in South Asian horror.

The Bat (1926)

The Bat, not to be mistaken for the 1959 Vincent Price film of the same title. This one is a old time silent picture. While certainly not the best example of a horror mystery from the silent era The Bat does have some interesting elements to it.

Like The Phantom Of The Opera and so many other silent films of the time The Bat is another killer phantom movie but in this one the character of The Bat is quite ridiculous to look at, The cloaked phantom is terrorizing a New York mansion which I believe is very close to my home in Oakdale Long Island and running amok in his silly bat costume. Most of the film is a game of cat and mouse as The Bat scales walls, runs across roofs and hides in the shadows. Sound a little familiar? I can't say for sure but there seems to be quite a few similarities between this phantom and the super hero we know as Batman. There are many scenes of the phantom bat swinging from buildings by rope but he comes off more like a super villian rather then a hero. The Bat even uses a logo which is oddly reminiscent of Batmans and one can't help but wonder if the Batman creators took some inspiration from this movie.

The film itself gets a bit tedious at times and tends to bore. It tries so hard to be a good mystery and we have way to many characters none of which are all that interesting. This one does offer a bit of racism against the Japanese butler who is often referred to as "Jappy". Naturally some of the characters think that Jappy is The Bat but you will have to figure that out for yourself. "That Jap gives me the willies". It all eventually comes to a somewhat abrupt ending with some witty booby traps.

Its a little hard for me to recommend The Bat to anyone considering there are so many better silent movies out there. Lon Chaney's filmography alone is far superior to anything this one has to offer. However it might be an interesting watch for Batman fanatics. I personally am not a big comic book guy but I would love to know if there are any other similarities between the two characters. The director of this would go on to do a remake of it in 1930 called The Bat Whispers but I don't think I have seen that one to date.

The House That Screamed (2000)

This was a big mistake on my part. The House That Screamed not to be mistaken for the 1969 movie with the same title is a typical shit-fest from the awful 2000's. While the 1969 House That Screamed is also a terrible waste of time, this one takes the cake with bad acting, bad camera work and nonsensical story with random ghostly happenings and bad special effects.

 This one opens up with some gratuitous nudity in the form of a shower scene. This goes beyond gratuitous nudity because the scene seems to have just been thrown in after the fact. This naked bimbo isn't even seen again in the movie. While I do thank the filmmakers for the bare breasted action the rest of the movie is a turd.

A horror writer rents a haunted house for inspiration on his new book. He personally doesn't believe in ghosts but figures it will help the sales of his new novel. While staying in the house he is haunted by vicious ghosts who wish to do him harm. Things happen without explanation and none of it makes much sense. Eventually he "enters the belly of the beast to understand the secrets of the house that screams". He learns that the house holds a vicious cycle and in order to free the spirits of the house he must take his own life. Stupid eh?

Perhaps the most offensive moment in this one is when our horror author is fooled into having sex with a ghost. The female ghost is supposed to add some kind of sex appeal to the movie but she is a over weight, red headed chud with horrible acting skills. When the writer finally gets her in the sack she rides him with her clothes on which is lucky for us. Next her face rots away in what is oddly reminiscent to Evil Dead makeup. I'm not so sure why our writer is so upset. Did he see who he went to bed with? Its not as if he were drunk at a bar and thought he was going home with Barbie only to realize he was waking up with King Kong. This dude was sober and willingly hit the sheets with this beast.

Some of the other atrocities this one has to offer is a suicide scene in which a girl puts a gun in her mouth and blows her brains out all over the kitchen window. Sounds good, I know but you have to see this shit. The gunshot sounds like a fart and the brains hitting the window looks like play dough with a sound effect lifted from The Blob. Next there is a demonic doll which wrestles our character in the kitchen. We also have a little girl running around with an axe and a ghost who died in the civil war. The civil war? What the fuck does that have to do with this house?

Stay away from this movie unless you really like torturing yourself with nonsense.

  

Home Sweet Home (1981)

I first saw Home Sweet Home back in the VHS days when all young teenagers would rent slasher movies and brag about who saw the goriest movie in the school cafeteria. Even in my early teens I knew that this was by no means a great example of a horror film but I absolutely loved it. Looking at it now as a much more jaded adult, I still really enjoy this mess of a movie.

Home Sweet Home is a typical stalk and slash flick about an escaped lunatic who enjoys shooting hard drugs into his tongue. The intravenous injections send this hulking madman into fits of rage and psychotic laughter. His obnoxious laugh is heard through the entire film, while we watch him smash and slash his helpless victims.

While most of these early 80's Halloween ripoffs conceal the killers identity, Home Sweet Home never even attempts to cloak the killer. He is right there in your face from the very beginning and I personally love this spastic psycho.

Most of the characters in this one are pretty lame and most viewers are probably waiting impatiently to see them die one by one in unique ways but there is one totally bizarre character who I can't help but love. There is a sort of punk rock mime running around with a guitar and amplifier strapped to his back. Anyone familiar with the British punk band The Adicts will surely get a kick out of this face painted nut-job. He is an obnoxious prankster who annoys just about everyone in the movie with his rock & roll. He runs in on couples having sex and pulls hard boiled eggs out of his mouth during diner parties. Unfortunately he gets fried to a crisp when the killer catches up with him.

 We also have a sexy Latina babe who gets down to her bra for us and gets cut up with a big Rambo knife. Another dude is crushed under a car hood in what might be the most absurd death scene in the movie. We do get a bit of tit and of course a final girl who gets to see the demise of our junkie-psycho.

If you are looking for a serious slasher flick you might want to skip this one all together. There are plenty of slashers that came out this year. In fact 1981 was the slasher boom. However if you are in the mood for something ridiculous that never takes itself too seriously then Home Sweet Home is well worth a look. Its crazy, silly and still manages to deliver the goods!

Teenage Step-Mother (1974)

Teenage Step-Mother is a fairly boring porno flick from the mid 70's. The plot is paper thin and the whole thing gets very repetitive. Jamie (New Wave Hookers) Gillis takes a much younger woman for his bride. She is actually younger then his two teenage daughters. His new teenage bride has "a problem". She needs to have sex once every hour... on the hour. No matter where she is she needs to take off her clothes and get down and dirty. Even at the wedding she gets down on her knees and blows the priests whistle. Jamie Gillis thinks this all pretty great because he is quite the sex addict himself. However its not long before we have typical 70's incestuous orgies with tons of pubic hair on display. While Mr. Gillis was always one of my favorite XXX actors Teenage Step-Mother really offers nothing new and turns out to be another forgettable fuck-flick from the golden age of porn. Skip it all together! 

Monty Python And The Holy Grail (1975)

If you haven't seen this one, you must have been living under a rock. Monty Python And The Holy Grail is as classic as they get. Being one of the best comedies ever made and certainly one of the most popular films to come up in discussion of the comedy genre it safe to say that anyone who knows anything at all about film has seen this movie.

There is no reason to discuss plot when it comes to this movie because it is as random as they come. It is jam packed with absurdities and random acts of nonsense. Monty Python And The Holy Grail is a masterpiece in retard-ism. While excessive viewing may cause brain damage... at the very least you will be laughing. It blends political humor with a history, fables and of course idiotic madness and mayhem. While todays comedies try really hard to shock audiences with sexual themes and sometimes random act of violence. Holy Grail mastered this way back in the 1970's.

Some of the films highlights include a killer rabbit which tears the throats out from anyone who crosses its path causing blood to spray about in a Japanese cinematic fashion, a goofy Frenchmen atop a castle who throws absurd insults around "I fart in your general direction", a brave knight who has all four of his limbs chopped off and continues to fight "Its just a flesh wound", Then we got some naughty nuns who want a night of spankings and oral sex. The classic witch burning scene always sticks out in mind and the anarchist peasants who fight the oppression of King Arthur. "help I'm being oppressed! Did you see him oppressing me?"  Don't forget the knights who say "NEE".

This stuff is moronic and genius at the same time and it has proven to be a timeless piece of cinematic trash which is respected by the old and the young and if you don't like this movie it is probably because "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

Lady Snowblood 2 : Love Song Vengeance (1974)

One thing that I have noticed over the years is that its pretty normal for Samurai films to be heavy on politics. Many times it seems that the film itself serves as a coverup for a political message. The films of Akira Kurosawa are often about political power and the destruction of systems. While Kurosawa's films always keep the viewer interested some Samurai movies can get confusing and boring with this subject matter. As wise men say, never speak religion or politics at the diner table. I can't help but think that many of these movies, especially the more exploitative titles would have worked better without such a heavy political subtext. The Hanzo : The Razor series for instance. Some of those would have clearly been better off without the political mumbo-jumbo.

 This follow up to Lady Snowblood sports the same director and of course the same leading lady. It still manages to entertain with its excessive violence and bloodshed but it gets way to political for its own good. This one starts off with Yuki a.k.a. Lady Snowblood on the run from the police. She rips thru dozens of them with he Samurai sword but is eventually captured and sentenced to death. She is ultimately rescued by some political types who in return want her to assassinate an anarchist. From here the movie gets pretty confusing with to much governmental talky talk. Lucky for us the gore and carnage continues throughout the films entirety.

   The overkill on politics is not the only problem with the sequel. The choreography in the fight scenes doesn't seem as well planned as the original film and the cinematography doesn't hold up either. The truth is that Lady Snowblood 2 is still fun and worth a watch for fans of the first film but I don't think there is anyone out there who would prefer this to the original. Then again its hard to hold up to such high standards. After all Lady Snowblood is one of the best exploitation Samurai films ever made.