The Hidden Fortress (1958)

Akira Kurosawa is often thought of to have been influenced by American film makers, John Ford especially. While I do not have any doubt of this in my mind I find it strange that nobody ever makes a connection between Kurosawa and Alfred Hitchcok. There is a genius simplicity that runs through the films of Kurosawa which I can only relate back to Hitchcock. Its not that the films themselves are simple. They are quite genius but they play more as a giant set piece. The story itself is simple but the way it is told is not for the simple minded.

The Hidden Fortress is told from the point of view of two moronic cowards. These piss-poor peasants have no back bone at all and fear everything but each other. The two cowards attempt to get home but are stuck between enemy boarders in a time of war. They pussy-foot around until they come across a legendary Samurai named General Rokurota Makabe played by the great Toshirô Mifune (Seven Samurai, Yojimbo, Throne Of Blood) and nearly two hundred other titles. The Samurai plays off the greed and arrogance of the two cowardly peasants to help pass a sixteen year old princess over enemy lines.

Bribed with gold the peasants fall right into the scheme of things. Of course they have no idea that the young beauty is a princess. The princess humiliates her self for the benefit of her people and poses as a mute and the two cowards take every chance possible to try to get their greedy little hands on her nubile body.

There is this twisted sense of humor that flows throughout The Hidden Fortress which Kurosawa fans should be familiar with. There is almost a sort of Three Stooges thing going on in here. Its almost as if you threw the Stooges into a Hitchcocks Rope or Rear Window. It really has to be seen to be understood.

The Hidden Fortress sports some epic Samurai action. Nothing overly bloody but epic none the less. We have casts of hundreds rioting through the fallen barren lands of a Japanese war zone. We also have a really cool chase scene on horse back where men are sawed into with Samurai swords. The sex appeal comes from the sexy princess who for some reason wears silly looking shorts and in the films sleaziest moment the camera peeks pretty close up those shorts. The dialogue is exceptionally funny in this one. "I hate your face" "I hate the way you look, you shit worm". "Shit-Worm" is used quite a bit in this one. I don't exactly know what a shit-worm is but I like the sound of it. I guess its like a maggot or something unless of course its one of those crazy bugs that you only see in Japanese movies.

For a good time with swords play, shit-worms, action and comedy check this one out. Like most Kurosawa films it can be a little slow at times but the set pieces are just to good to pass up.

Return Of The Fly (1959)

For the best review of this movie you could always just listen to The Misfits song "Return Of The Fly with Vincent Price. You Guinea pig! Yeah Return Of The Fly" Yes this follow up to the classic 50's monster movie The Fly is actually my favorite in the series. Far more campy then the original with more monster mayhem and more corpses left in its wake.

Return Of The Fly takes off 15 years after Andre crushed his head in that vice. His son Philippe, now a grown man is determined to continue his fathers insane work. The series of events start all over again and we have a giant fly-man running around killing people.

Philippe teams up with a criminal named Alan who plans on stealing the discovery and selling it to the military. Vincent Price does everything he can to stop the duo from messing around with the cursed machine but he ends up catching a bullet in the guts instead. Its a classic example of nice guys finish last in this one. I have to admit on thing that always annoyed me about The Fly movies is that Vincent Price is a good guy. It just doesn't seem right. Well I hope youre enjoying that bullet in your stomach, Mr. Nice Guy.

This movie is great. Aside from the expected man with a giant fly head we also have a man who has his atoms crossed with a rat. The rodent is crushed and killed under a mans boot and we see these human hands reaching out from under the boot. Next we see the rat-man. A man with the hands of a rodent. Its pure camp at its best. The sequel also offers up a bigger bodycount including a dead cop which is always a nice touch.

I mentioned earlier that Return Of The Fly is my favorite in the series but I am yet to see Curse Of The Fly which is the third instalment so perhaps I spoke a bit to soon but I definitely prefer this one over the 80's remakes. Probably because Return Of The Fly was directed by the great Edward Bernds the man who was responsible for so many of the Three Stooges shorts. Edward Bernds would also do Reform School Girl and the wacky space babes movie Queen Of Outer Space one year earlier to the Return Of The Fly.

Return Of The Fly was shot in black and white to save some money. The acting in this one isn't all that great. The story seems a bit rushed and its nothing more then a cheesy monsterama mess but it makes for high camp entertainment. I personally feel it makes a better cult film but thats just me.

Blood Mania (1970)

Are you sure this is an American film? Blood Mania is a strange one. Most people knock it and say it is way to talky with not enough murder and bloodletting. This may be true but they are missing everything that is cool about the film.

Blood Mania plays like a cross between a soap opera and a Giallo. I say soap opera because yes the film is a bit talky and the murders are very spaced out but the camera angles and lighting make for a really nice looking horror gem that American movie goers could look over just a little to easily. Look at this movie. Its beautiful. You can see some Argento in there. You see some Bava in there. Even a touch of early Polanski. Blood Mania looks fantastic and has a pretty good story to go with the cinematography.

A young good looking doctor is being black mailed for a large sum of money over some illegal abortions that he was doing while in medical school. If this information leaks out it will cost him his job and he didn't go to school all these years and pull all those bloody babies out for nothing. One way or another the doctor will have to come up with the cash. Luckily for him he is a bit of a playboy and girls really seem to like him for some reason, especially Victoria a rich nymphomaniac who enjoys taking off her clothes in front of young men just for a reaction. The doctor goes to Victoria in his time of need and she promises him that she will get him the money as long as he becomes her personal sex toy. Little does Dr. dumb-ass know that Victoria plans on killing her invilid father and collecting the inheritance money. Now not only has Dr. dip-shit been covering up an abortion scandal but murder as well. Things get worse and worse for the doctor as the plot becomes more complex and it becomes quite evident that this is all gonna end in more tragedy.

As I mentioned Victoria is quite the nympho and lucky for us guys out there we are treated to plenty of full frontal female nudity. All of the girls in this movie are pretty good looking, including Victoria's sister who has some giant early 70's hair. Blood Mania offers up jealous lesbians, a rape scene, a few creepy moments including a murder by poison, sex, drugs, a gory murder sequence in which a woman has her achy-breaky skull smashed in with a candel stick, a really cool necrophilia painting which I wouldn't mind hanging up in my own house and crazy Italian style cinematography. I think the real audience for this movie would be anyone who really digs the work of the Italian masters. Lucio Fulci fans are sure to enjoy the sexual nature of the film.

The only thing I could agree with some of the others who like to shoot this one down is that it wouldn't have hurt to throw in a few more murders here and there but in Blood Mania's defense it is not a slasher film nor does it try to be. Instead Blood Mania makes a macabre statement about greed and the sociopathic tendencies of money hungry lunatics. There really aren't many good characters in this movie and it comes complete with a typical 70's downer ending.

Also known as Pornomania which I thought was very amusing and catchy.

Raging Bull (1980)

When Martin Scorsese and Paul Shrader team up you know you are in for something powerful. There specialty seems to be damaged people and that is exactly what we have here. Raging Bull follows Jake La Motta a prize fighter who seems fixated on self destruction.

With a screenplay from Paul Shrader (Taxi Driver, Blue Collar), direction from Scorcese and some of Americas greatest actors Raging Bull really couldn't fail. Robert De Niro was such a great actor back in these early days (Mean Streets, Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter). Yet again he delivers an excellent performance of a man with a warped mind. Its to bad he just coasts through lame-o comedy roles now-a-days. His performance in Raging Bull allows the audience to fear him and feel bad for him at the same time. It is a very emotional film and packs a pretty heavy punch, literally.

The thing that separates Raging Bull from other American boxing classics is the heavy drama that is layed out for us. Jake La Motta is filled with angst. When he steps into the ring his hatred takes down the opponent and sends Jake to the top but when he is home that hatred explodes onto his friends, wife and especially himself and we witness this talented man self destruct. Like most early Martin Scorsese films Raging Bull doesn't paint a pretty picture. The disturbed character falls deep to the pit of despair and he doesn't ever seem to want to come back up. Jealousy, anger and great ambition make for a pretty unforgettable character. The black and white cinematography, the intensity of the fight scenes, the drama and the terror all make Raging Bull the unforgettable classic that it is.

I wouldn't recommend watching Raging Bull with your girlfriend if she is amongst the feminist type. You might just find yourself in the ring with her afterwards. Raging Bull is set in the not so tolerant 40's where women were supposed to be seen and not heard. Jake La Motta's wife endures so much abuse in this movie. It becomes very unnerving even for a man to watch so I would imagine that this movie could invoke a bit of hatred deep within a woman.

I can not imagine what it would be like to be hit by a professional middle weight boxer, let alone being a woman subjected to that torture. Robert De Niro takes this role and owns it. He is the Raging Bull. He is a mad bull but the one he hurts the most in the end is himself.

Just about everyone and anyone who is into boxing as a sport has probably seen this movie for historical reasoning alone but it is a movie that should be looked at by everyone who is into cinema all together. The only problem I have with this movie at all is that it seems to just slowly die off in the end. I kind of wish it ended in complete nihilism like Taxi Driver or Mean Streets.

Shaolin Drunkard (1983)

Remember Taoism Drunkard? Ya, know that crazy Kung Fu flick with the watermelon monster? The one who eats virgin boys penis? Well Shaolin Drunkard is supposed to be a follow up to that movie but since neither one of these films follow any sort of a coherent plot it is hard to call this a sequel.

This one doesn't offer up a penis eating watermelon monster but it is just as weird and wacky. Our rat faced, buck-toothed, drunkard has to fight and capture an evil wizard with vampire fangs. This task is not an easy one. The evil wizard uses magic, giant frogs, puppets and something that looks like giant cock-rings as weapons of choice. Our drunken hero teams up with a young martial artist and a girl with a giant birth mark on her face, which looks more like a skin disorder. As I mentioned this movie is way to crazy to have any sort of real plot. Basically we just have one weird scene after another. It is extremely fast paced and a very fun watch.

Shaolin Drunkard offers up excessive wine drinking, some bare-ass man action, very strange puppets, gratuitous use of the word "bastard", some very fast kung fu scenes, sexism, men in drag and moments that are just so weird you have to laugh. This thing was supposed to be a comedy of sorts but it works better as a novelty in the bizarre.

See a man drive around in a self built little wooden car with a bomb attached to it, a fire breathing dragon, a killer kung fu puppet, a man who fights with his hands on fire and a crazy scene with ass-puppets which reminded me a little bit of Coffin Joe's Awakening Of The Beast.

Recommended for anyone who liked Taoism Drunkard or just digs crazy Hong Kong kung fu flicks. I personally like this one a little bit more then the penis eating watermelon one but both are high in entertainment. Brought to us and most easily exesible from those rap clowns from Wu Tang Clan.

Haunts (1977)

Haunts has some of my all time favorite VHS cover art. The masked killer, the naked girl in the shower and of course those bloody scissors. Its too bad the movie isn't as cool as the art work was.

Haunts isn't a complete waste of time. It is still worth a look. It just could have been improved with more sex and violence.

This early example of the American Slasher film involves a madman terrorizing the countryside with a pair of scissors as a weapon of choice. This guy has the knack for cutting up young girls and the autopsies show that he also rapes them.

Haunts is a sort of mystery as well. We have a number of sleazy suspects. One being a local butcher who wears a silk, pink and black rockabilly shirt and enjoys drinking and driving, talking dirty to the ladies and threatening lives with... yep you guessed it, Scissors! Cameron Mitchell plays a creepy farmer who likes to sneak into the bathroom while his niece is taking a shower. Can anyone remember another 70's movie with scissor murders and Cameron Mitchell? The Demon ring a bell? Hows that for a double bill The Demon and Haunts for a scissor-slasher night.

The director would go on to do the 80's high school slasher Graduation Day with John Saxon. Aldo Ray also shows up in this one along with a local bimbo who calls everyone "a creep".

Haunts eventually changes its tone from slasher territory to a delusional mess where not much makes sense until the very end where everything is spelled out for us.

The only problem with this movie is that there isn't enough graphic murder scenes and somehow they managed to avoid nudity which is very weird for a 70's rape-happy slasher film.

However considering Haunts is in the public domain it is worth the one dollar it cost to buy. Even if you don't like the movie, you could always stare at that cool cover art. This one is also known as The Veil, not to be confused with the Boris Karloff television series.

Rebel Without A Cause (1955)

Rebel Without A Cause, the first major production of a Juvenile Delinquent film. It most certainly wasn't the first but it was the one to blame for countless exploitation delinquent films including the great Blackboard Jungle which would come out the same year and bring rock & roll to the big screen.

James Dean plays Jim Stark, a troubled teen. He is new in town and ready to leave all the problems from his last town behind him but he finds himself in a whole new mess of trouble with a gang of leather clad kids ready to make his life a living hell.

Remember those wonderful days of high school when all the robots thought they were tough. Well Jim is tough but he is tough on his own terms. James Dean portrays a natural born rebel. Less concerned with what the others think and more so his own convictions. Rebel Without A Cause depicts the hardship of teenage years through Americas favorite image of rebellion.

I think the thing that makes Rebel Without A Cause so memorable isn't the fact that James Dean is considered to be so good looking but rather that his character is seen doing these really bad and dangerous juvenile things but he really is a good guy. He takes action against his parents, teachers, cops and even his schoolmates out of honor and self conviction. If it means having a switchblade fight or driving a car off of a cliff it is still better then being weak to ones self.

Of course the chicks dig it because they get to see James Dean being all romantic with Natalie Wood and the dudes can't help but want to be Jim Stark. He's cool, he's tough and he's a total rebel.

Some of the other highlights consist of a very young Denis Hopper in his first feature film as a young street punk. A crazy bastard named Plato who likes to kill puppies and shoot at cops, dead teenagers, shit-head parents, shit-head teachers and some cool 50's cars.

A true classic that stays with you forever.

Jesse James Meets Frankensteins Daughter (1966)

Directed by one of exploitation cinemas forefathers, William Beaudine (Mom And Dad, Bela Lugosi Meets The Brooklyn Gorilla) and designed to be double billed with Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula which David Carradine once stated is the worst movie he ever made. What we end up with is one of the weirdest westerns ever made.

As you might have guessed Jesse James Meets Frankensteins Daughter blends the western genre with the classic Universal Studio's Frankenstein and right off the bat this movie lies to us because it isn't Henry Frankensteins daughter that meets Jesse James but it is actually his granddaughter. Either way I love any exploitation title where a character is a straight descendant of Henry Frankenstein. It just makes me chuckle. Remember I Was A Teenage Frankenstein? The mad scientist in that one is also in the Frankenstein family. What I want to know is, who pissed in the Frankenstein gene pool? This family has produced generations of mad scientists. Anyway Henry Frankensteins granddaughter leaves Europe and settles in America along with her brother Rudolph Frankenstein who for some reason has a very hard time faking a German accent. Actually he has a Spanish accent and appears to have a golden brown skin tone unlike his sister Maria Frankenstein. Wait... Isn't Maria a Spanish name? This movie is all mixed up right from the beginning.

Anyway the Frankenstein's are in America because there are more electrical storms. For some reason I am not buying this either. Again they are trying to bring the life back to dead and all of the local townsfolk have left the area because they are not the scientific type as you would have guessed. Well Jesse James and his big ogreish retarded friend Hank were just caught up in a robbery gone wrong and Hank catches a bullet in the arm which is all acted out pretty horribly. It just so happens that the nearest doctors are the Frankenstein's but before Jesse James can say draw his retarded friend is turned into a walking mongoloid corpse. Maria Frankenstein uses Hank the retarded monster to do her evil bidding and this basically consists of strangling everyone in town. The monster kills a local cop, a doctor and strangles just about everyone who comes into sight. All of course on Maria's orders.

Unlike the real Frankenstein, Hank doesn't have bolts coming out of his neck. Instead he has a shaved head with a big stupid scar that wraps around his cranium. Also the corpses are not lifted up above a castle for reanimation. Instead Maria Frankenstein puts them in this really stupid looking crash helmet with two giant electro's coming from the top of it. The helmet is painted red, yellow and green and it is the silliest looking contraption I have ever seen. For the helmet alone Jesse James Meets Frankensteins Daughter is worth a watch. Still I have to admit, this one is not for everybody. Only lovers of bad cinema can respect the insanity that this one has in offer.

Of course the film could have been much better then it really is. Here are some of the flaws. It is way to talky, it is way to clean, and when I say clean I mean there is not really much blood to speak of and there is no naked female flesh on display. Its filled with plot holes and offers up some of the worst character development of all time. However I still do enjoy this film. I like Hank the giant retard, I like the bad acting and more then anything I love the stupid fucking helmet. Check this one out if you are in the mood for some ridiculous antics with cowboys and monsters. Oh and it is way better then Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula. That one can really be skipped all together.

The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant (1971)

This piece of 70's trash crawls right out of the gutter and onto the screen. All in the good name of bad taste.

We have a mad scientist who has been performing head transplants on animals. In his laboratory he has a two headed snake, a two headed dog, a two headed rabbit and a two headed monkey and there are probably more things in there with two heads that I am forgetting. Naturally it is time to move onto humans and perform his greatest achievement or depending on how you look at it his worst achievement in life. Now you might be wondering why the hell a man of science would feel the need to stick multiple heads on one living being and they do answer this question within the movie but no matter how many times I see this one I just can never remember why he feels the need to do these head transplants in the first place other then the fact that he wants to go down in history as one of the worlds greatest scientists. The truth is it doesn't really matter why the experiments are being done. All that matters is that they are being done.

The human subjects for the experiment consist of the town retard who is a giant mongoloid type with super human retard strength and an escaped serial killer/rapist. As you can guess this is a pretty deadly duo. Give a rape-happy, violent, pervert the strength of a mule and bad things are bound to happen. The mad scientist covers up his experiments no matter how bad things get. That is up until his own wife is kidnapped.

The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant is genuinely a sleazy movie. From the ridiculous plot to the violent rape scenes. Of course there isn't anyway that you can take this one very seriously. Its campy drive-in filth at its best.

Check this one out to see a two-headed freak go on a murder and rape spree. You won't believe the bad acting and even worse action scenes. In one scene the two-headed mongoloid fights and kills two members of a biker gang and rapes and kills their scantily clad bimbo mama.

One year later AIP would release another one of these crazy two headed transplant movies called The Thing With Two Heads. It is equally ridiculous and focuses more on racial issues then rape exploits. I personally prefer this one over the 1972 movie.

Hammer (1972)

What we have here is the very first Blaxploitation film in Fred "The Hammer" Williamson. Made with Williamson in mind and even named after him this one stands as a milestone in the athletic actors long exploitation works. Hammer is not the best in the genre and it certainly isn't the worst and well worth a look for anyone who digs Fred Williamson or just blaxploitation films for that matter.

Williamson plays a down on his luck blue collar worker named B.J.. Yep his name is B.J. but this brotha doesn't suck for anyone. When B.J. is fired from his shitty day job for being a total bad-ass mofo and beating the shit out of a white fascist type, he is offered a job and a chance to be a professional boxer. As B.J. makes it to the top he gains a bit of street fame and earns the nickname The Hammer... Just like in real life huh? However its not all bitches and Cadillacs for B.J. Hammer. His boss is a corrupt mobster named Big Sid and when The Hammer gets on Big Sid's bad side he has to answer to Sid's big goons. Drive-In movie fanatics will be happy to know that the heavy of the white mobsters is played by the great William Smith (Run Angel Run, Black Samson) and he is the stereo typical racist, murdering scumbag that shows up in so many of these blaxploitation movies.

William Smith specializes in killing black men who are no longer of service to him. In one of the most memorable scenes Will Smith runs a pimped out drug dealer down with his car and leaves a bloody mess of a corpse behind but he also pulls the old shoot-em-up with some drugs and make it look like an overdose trick. Ya know from Superfly, Coffy and The Mack. In reality this doesn't really seem like the best way to knock somebody off but it always seems to work in these blaxploitation movies. I can't help but wonder the audience reaction to this in the 70's. Did people really think the man was killing street people off with poisoned dope? Anyway in some senses Hammer is pretty stereotypical but in others it is very different. For instance Fred Williamson is one hundred percent a good guy. He isn't a drug dealer and he isn't pimping bitches out. Even the cops in this one are good guys and I guess that's because the leading detective is a black man.

That Bad D'Urville Martin from Dolemite shows up as a big mouth, shit talking joker type and The Hammer has to set him straight with some sweet 70's jive jargon. I guess B.J.'s words of street wisdom hits close to home because in the end D'Urville cleans up his act and helps The Hammer get his revenge.

Hammer is paced properly with a fair amount of nudity which is evenly distributed throughout the film. We have white titties, black titties and even some interracial love making but for me the best moment of naked female flesh involves Marilyn Joi (Ilsa : Harem Keeper Of The Oil Sheiks, Kentucky Fried Movie) as a leather clad dominatrix at a funky strip club. This topless beauty comes complete with a whip and everything and it makes for a wonderfully gratuitous moment in bad taste.

As expected Fred The Hammer Williamson gets the girl and saves the day. As I said before it isn't the greatest Williamson movie but is still worth owning. Check it out sucka!

The Swarm (1978)

I always thought these killer bug, nature gone wrong films were supposed to be fun. Not quite the case with Irwin (The Poseidon Adventure) Allen's The Swarm. Yet again Irwin Allen tries to make a giant epic production and it really hurts the film.

Like The Towering Inferno and other Irwin Allen movies The Swarm is entirely to long. It clocks in around two and a half hours and that is just way to long for a movie about killer bugs. Most of the runtime is eaten up by boring chit chat and by the time we get around to more deadly bee stings we are fighting to keep our eyes open.

Michael Caine plays a scientist who is supposed to save the world against The Swarm of African Killer Bees. The bees have mutated into a very deadly force. Only one or two stings can kill a grown man. The seemingly endless experiment scenes seem to go on forever as we witness failure after failure. Henry Fonda plays a wheel-chairing cripple doctor who works along slide Michael Caine and cult status Cameron Mitchell (Toolbox Murders, Blood And Black Lace, It Came Without Warning) shows up for more useless dialogue.

Some of the high notes of the film include dead children, a mother and father are killed at a family picnic and the preteen son takes off in the family station wagon, we get a giant reappearing monster sized bee, flamethrower action, a derailed train full of teachers, cops and townsfolk and of course swarms of bees covering helpless victims.

If the Swarm was cut down to 90 minutes or less it probably would have held out okay as another bugs destroy man movie but due to its over ambition it falls into the category of seen it once and once is enough genre. Even the climax is a big let down. I wont give away the ending but it sure to disappoint anyone who digs these 70's nature gone wrong flicks.

Only worth looking at if you have two and a half hours to waste and if that is the case there are plenty of other movies you could choose before this one.