Shaolin Drunkard (1983)

Remember Taoism Drunkard? Ya, know that crazy Kung Fu flick with the watermelon monster? The one who eats virgin boys penis? Well Shaolin Drunkard is supposed to be a follow up to that movie but since neither one of these films follow any sort of a coherent plot it is hard to call this a sequel.

This one doesn't offer up a penis eating watermelon monster but it is just as weird and wacky. Our rat faced, buck-toothed, drunkard has to fight and capture an evil wizard with vampire fangs. This task is not an easy one. The evil wizard uses magic, giant frogs, puppets and something that looks like giant cock-rings as weapons of choice. Our drunken hero teams up with a young martial artist and a girl with a giant birth mark on her face, which looks more like a skin disorder. As I mentioned this movie is way to crazy to have any sort of real plot. Basically we just have one weird scene after another. It is extremely fast paced and a very fun watch.

Shaolin Drunkard offers up excessive wine drinking, some bare-ass man action, very strange puppets, gratuitous use of the word "bastard", some very fast kung fu scenes, sexism, men in drag and moments that are just so weird you have to laugh. This thing was supposed to be a comedy of sorts but it works better as a novelty in the bizarre.

See a man drive around in a self built little wooden car with a bomb attached to it, a fire breathing dragon, a killer kung fu puppet, a man who fights with his hands on fire and a crazy scene with ass-puppets which reminded me a little bit of Coffin Joe's Awakening Of The Beast.

Recommended for anyone who liked Taoism Drunkard or just digs crazy Hong Kong kung fu flicks. I personally like this one a little bit more then the penis eating watermelon one but both are high in entertainment. Brought to us and most easily exesible from those rap clowns from Wu Tang Clan.

Haunts (1977)

Haunts has some of my all time favorite VHS cover art. The masked killer, the naked girl in the shower and of course those bloody scissors. Its too bad the movie isn't as cool as the art work was.

Haunts isn't a complete waste of time. It is still worth a look. It just could have been improved with more sex and violence.

This early example of the American Slasher film involves a madman terrorizing the countryside with a pair of scissors as a weapon of choice. This guy has the knack for cutting up young girls and the autopsies show that he also rapes them.

Haunts is a sort of mystery as well. We have a number of sleazy suspects. One being a local butcher who wears a silk, pink and black rockabilly shirt and enjoys drinking and driving, talking dirty to the ladies and threatening lives with... yep you guessed it, Scissors! Cameron Mitchell plays a creepy farmer who likes to sneak into the bathroom while his niece is taking a shower. Can anyone remember another 70's movie with scissor murders and Cameron Mitchell? The Demon ring a bell? Hows that for a double bill The Demon and Haunts for a scissor-slasher night.

The director would go on to do the 80's high school slasher Graduation Day with John Saxon. Aldo Ray also shows up in this one along with a local bimbo who calls everyone "a creep".

Haunts eventually changes its tone from slasher territory to a delusional mess where not much makes sense until the very end where everything is spelled out for us.

The only problem with this movie is that there isn't enough graphic murder scenes and somehow they managed to avoid nudity which is very weird for a 70's rape-happy slasher film.

However considering Haunts is in the public domain it is worth the one dollar it cost to buy. Even if you don't like the movie, you could always stare at that cool cover art. This one is also known as The Veil, not to be confused with the Boris Karloff television series.

Rebel Without A Cause (1955)

Rebel Without A Cause, the first major production of a Juvenile Delinquent film. It most certainly wasn't the first but it was the one to blame for countless exploitation delinquent films including the great Blackboard Jungle which would come out the same year and bring rock & roll to the big screen.

James Dean plays Jim Stark, a troubled teen. He is new in town and ready to leave all the problems from his last town behind him but he finds himself in a whole new mess of trouble with a gang of leather clad kids ready to make his life a living hell.

Remember those wonderful days of high school when all the robots thought they were tough. Well Jim is tough but he is tough on his own terms. James Dean portrays a natural born rebel. Less concerned with what the others think and more so his own convictions. Rebel Without A Cause depicts the hardship of teenage years through Americas favorite image of rebellion.

I think the thing that makes Rebel Without A Cause so memorable isn't the fact that James Dean is considered to be so good looking but rather that his character is seen doing these really bad and dangerous juvenile things but he really is a good guy. He takes action against his parents, teachers, cops and even his schoolmates out of honor and self conviction. If it means having a switchblade fight or driving a car off of a cliff it is still better then being weak to ones self.

Of course the chicks dig it because they get to see James Dean being all romantic with Natalie Wood and the dudes can't help but want to be Jim Stark. He's cool, he's tough and he's a total rebel.

Some of the other highlights consist of a very young Denis Hopper in his first feature film as a young street punk. A crazy bastard named Plato who likes to kill puppies and shoot at cops, dead teenagers, shit-head parents, shit-head teachers and some cool 50's cars.

A true classic that stays with you forever.

Jesse James Meets Frankensteins Daughter (1966)

Directed by one of exploitation cinemas forefathers, William Beaudine (Mom And Dad, Bela Lugosi Meets The Brooklyn Gorilla) and designed to be double billed with Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula which David Carradine once stated is the worst movie he ever made. What we end up with is one of the weirdest westerns ever made.

As you might have guessed Jesse James Meets Frankensteins Daughter blends the western genre with the classic Universal Studio's Frankenstein and right off the bat this movie lies to us because it isn't Henry Frankensteins daughter that meets Jesse James but it is actually his granddaughter. Either way I love any exploitation title where a character is a straight descendant of Henry Frankenstein. It just makes me chuckle. Remember I Was A Teenage Frankenstein? The mad scientist in that one is also in the Frankenstein family. What I want to know is, who pissed in the Frankenstein gene pool? This family has produced generations of mad scientists. Anyway Henry Frankensteins granddaughter leaves Europe and settles in America along with her brother Rudolph Frankenstein who for some reason has a very hard time faking a German accent. Actually he has a Spanish accent and appears to have a golden brown skin tone unlike his sister Maria Frankenstein. Wait... Isn't Maria a Spanish name? This movie is all mixed up right from the beginning.

Anyway the Frankenstein's are in America because there are more electrical storms. For some reason I am not buying this either. Again they are trying to bring the life back to dead and all of the local townsfolk have left the area because they are not the scientific type as you would have guessed. Well Jesse James and his big ogreish retarded friend Hank were just caught up in a robbery gone wrong and Hank catches a bullet in the arm which is all acted out pretty horribly. It just so happens that the nearest doctors are the Frankenstein's but before Jesse James can say draw his retarded friend is turned into a walking mongoloid corpse. Maria Frankenstein uses Hank the retarded monster to do her evil bidding and this basically consists of strangling everyone in town. The monster kills a local cop, a doctor and strangles just about everyone who comes into sight. All of course on Maria's orders.

Unlike the real Frankenstein, Hank doesn't have bolts coming out of his neck. Instead he has a shaved head with a big stupid scar that wraps around his cranium. Also the corpses are not lifted up above a castle for reanimation. Instead Maria Frankenstein puts them in this really stupid looking crash helmet with two giant electro's coming from the top of it. The helmet is painted red, yellow and green and it is the silliest looking contraption I have ever seen. For the helmet alone Jesse James Meets Frankensteins Daughter is worth a watch. Still I have to admit, this one is not for everybody. Only lovers of bad cinema can respect the insanity that this one has in offer.

Of course the film could have been much better then it really is. Here are some of the flaws. It is way to talky, it is way to clean, and when I say clean I mean there is not really much blood to speak of and there is no naked female flesh on display. Its filled with plot holes and offers up some of the worst character development of all time. However I still do enjoy this film. I like Hank the giant retard, I like the bad acting and more then anything I love the stupid fucking helmet. Check this one out if you are in the mood for some ridiculous antics with cowboys and monsters. Oh and it is way better then Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula. That one can really be skipped all together.

The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant (1971)

This piece of 70's trash crawls right out of the gutter and onto the screen. All in the good name of bad taste.

We have a mad scientist who has been performing head transplants on animals. In his laboratory he has a two headed snake, a two headed dog, a two headed rabbit and a two headed monkey and there are probably more things in there with two heads that I am forgetting. Naturally it is time to move onto humans and perform his greatest achievement or depending on how you look at it his worst achievement in life. Now you might be wondering why the hell a man of science would feel the need to stick multiple heads on one living being and they do answer this question within the movie but no matter how many times I see this one I just can never remember why he feels the need to do these head transplants in the first place other then the fact that he wants to go down in history as one of the worlds greatest scientists. The truth is it doesn't really matter why the experiments are being done. All that matters is that they are being done.

The human subjects for the experiment consist of the town retard who is a giant mongoloid type with super human retard strength and an escaped serial killer/rapist. As you can guess this is a pretty deadly duo. Give a rape-happy, violent, pervert the strength of a mule and bad things are bound to happen. The mad scientist covers up his experiments no matter how bad things get. That is up until his own wife is kidnapped.

The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant is genuinely a sleazy movie. From the ridiculous plot to the violent rape scenes. Of course there isn't anyway that you can take this one very seriously. Its campy drive-in filth at its best.

Check this one out to see a two-headed freak go on a murder and rape spree. You won't believe the bad acting and even worse action scenes. In one scene the two-headed mongoloid fights and kills two members of a biker gang and rapes and kills their scantily clad bimbo mama.

One year later AIP would release another one of these crazy two headed transplant movies called The Thing With Two Heads. It is equally ridiculous and focuses more on racial issues then rape exploits. I personally prefer this one over the 1972 movie.

Hammer (1972)

What we have here is the very first Blaxploitation film in Fred "The Hammer" Williamson. Made with Williamson in mind and even named after him this one stands as a milestone in the athletic actors long exploitation works. Hammer is not the best in the genre and it certainly isn't the worst and well worth a look for anyone who digs Fred Williamson or just blaxploitation films for that matter.

Williamson plays a down on his luck blue collar worker named B.J.. Yep his name is B.J. but this brotha doesn't suck for anyone. When B.J. is fired from his shitty day job for being a total bad-ass mofo and beating the shit out of a white fascist type, he is offered a job and a chance to be a professional boxer. As B.J. makes it to the top he gains a bit of street fame and earns the nickname The Hammer... Just like in real life huh? However its not all bitches and Cadillacs for B.J. Hammer. His boss is a corrupt mobster named Big Sid and when The Hammer gets on Big Sid's bad side he has to answer to Sid's big goons. Drive-In movie fanatics will be happy to know that the heavy of the white mobsters is played by the great William Smith (Run Angel Run, Black Samson) and he is the stereo typical racist, murdering scumbag that shows up in so many of these blaxploitation movies.

William Smith specializes in killing black men who are no longer of service to him. In one of the most memorable scenes Will Smith runs a pimped out drug dealer down with his car and leaves a bloody mess of a corpse behind but he also pulls the old shoot-em-up with some drugs and make it look like an overdose trick. Ya know from Superfly, Coffy and The Mack. In reality this doesn't really seem like the best way to knock somebody off but it always seems to work in these blaxploitation movies. I can't help but wonder the audience reaction to this in the 70's. Did people really think the man was killing street people off with poisoned dope? Anyway in some senses Hammer is pretty stereotypical but in others it is very different. For instance Fred Williamson is one hundred percent a good guy. He isn't a drug dealer and he isn't pimping bitches out. Even the cops in this one are good guys and I guess that's because the leading detective is a black man.

That Bad D'Urville Martin from Dolemite shows up as a big mouth, shit talking joker type and The Hammer has to set him straight with some sweet 70's jive jargon. I guess B.J.'s words of street wisdom hits close to home because in the end D'Urville cleans up his act and helps The Hammer get his revenge.

Hammer is paced properly with a fair amount of nudity which is evenly distributed throughout the film. We have white titties, black titties and even some interracial love making but for me the best moment of naked female flesh involves Marilyn Joi (Ilsa : Harem Keeper Of The Oil Sheiks, Kentucky Fried Movie) as a leather clad dominatrix at a funky strip club. This topless beauty comes complete with a whip and everything and it makes for a wonderfully gratuitous moment in bad taste.

As expected Fred The Hammer Williamson gets the girl and saves the day. As I said before it isn't the greatest Williamson movie but is still worth owning. Check it out sucka!

The Swarm (1978)

I always thought these killer bug, nature gone wrong films were supposed to be fun. Not quite the case with Irwin (The Poseidon Adventure) Allen's The Swarm. Yet again Irwin Allen tries to make a giant epic production and it really hurts the film.

Like The Towering Inferno and other Irwin Allen movies The Swarm is entirely to long. It clocks in around two and a half hours and that is just way to long for a movie about killer bugs. Most of the runtime is eaten up by boring chit chat and by the time we get around to more deadly bee stings we are fighting to keep our eyes open.

Michael Caine plays a scientist who is supposed to save the world against The Swarm of African Killer Bees. The bees have mutated into a very deadly force. Only one or two stings can kill a grown man. The seemingly endless experiment scenes seem to go on forever as we witness failure after failure. Henry Fonda plays a wheel-chairing cripple doctor who works along slide Michael Caine and cult status Cameron Mitchell (Toolbox Murders, Blood And Black Lace, It Came Without Warning) shows up for more useless dialogue.

Some of the high notes of the film include dead children, a mother and father are killed at a family picnic and the preteen son takes off in the family station wagon, we get a giant reappearing monster sized bee, flamethrower action, a derailed train full of teachers, cops and townsfolk and of course swarms of bees covering helpless victims.

If the Swarm was cut down to 90 minutes or less it probably would have held out okay as another bugs destroy man movie but due to its over ambition it falls into the category of seen it once and once is enough genre. Even the climax is a big let down. I wont give away the ending but it sure to disappoint anyone who digs these 70's nature gone wrong flicks.

Only worth looking at if you have two and a half hours to waste and if that is the case there are plenty of other movies you could choose before this one.

Journey To The Seventh Planet (1962)

This one had a lot of potential but takes it all in the wrong direction, leaving behind a boring and unmemorable mess.

The king of 50's monster destroyers John Agar (Tarantula, Mole People, Revenge Of The Creature) Journeys beyond space to the seventh planet and yes the seventh planet is Uranus. For all of those who have not ventured to Uranus it is the sleaziest of all planets. It is occupied by hot women in sheer clothing. Of course there is also something more sinister within Uranus but that goes without saying.

John Agar and his party of innocent astronauts are basically a bunch of horny bastards and since science is second on their mind they might as well think women into existence and that's exactly what is happening here. A giant brain with an eyeball uses a higher intellect and shares brain waves with the small minded men of planet Earth and uses the Earthlings thoughts to destroy them.

I personally would rather watch Doris Wishman's nudist-camp classic Nude On The Moon for crazy alien space-bitches. Nude On The Moon was released one year prior to Journey To The Seventh Planet and one can't help but wonder if the journey to Uranus was influenced by the queen of sexploitation. Of course hot space babes was nothing new. We had the campy Queen From Outer Space in 1958 which is also much better then Journey To The Seventh Planet.
The few interesting moments include a stop animation giant rat creature, some psychedelic special effects, silly space suits and really cheesy weapons.

Throw in some nudity or even bikin clad women and Journey To The Seventh Planet would have been a much better watch. It focuses to much on the women who are not trashy enough and not enough on the monsterama stuff. For these two reasons Journey To The Seventh Planet is an epic failure.

You would probably be doing yourself a service by skipping this one. Unless of course you are a John Agar fanatic.

Rapeman (1993)

Once again we have to give a round of applause to the Japanese for coming up with such innovative forms of smut and sleaze. This one comes in the form of a super hero for hire known as Rapeman. Need I say more?

Rapeman derives from a popular Japanese Manga book of the same title and is not the easiest of items to find on dvd with English subtitles but is well worth sorting out and makes for a nice novelty addition to your trashy dvd collection.

Rapeman is a good guy. Just look at that face. Rapeman stands for justice through penetration. Decked out in a black hockey mask, a leather jacket, leather gloves and comes complete with handcuffs and a trusty butterfly knife. He helps the helpless rape by rape.

This early 90's filth-fest is shot on video and is extremely low budget but unlike the majority of American shot on video garbage Rapeman offers up a maniacal story in pure bad taste.

Just like our beloved Superman, Rapeman is your average every day joe. In this case he is a school teacher and the students love him, especially the girls. On a typical day Rapeman is given gifts from his female students. They show their appreciation to their teacher by giving him their panties but by night Rapeman has to get to work and his latest case turns out to be a big mess. A jealous waitress at a night club hires Rapeman to victimize the wife of a corrupt politician. Rapeman obliges and takes care of business but he is double crossed and black mailed. Soon Rapeman finds out that the politicians are working for the Yakuza and it is time to take the bad guys out one rape at a time.

Rapeman is not a gore flick at all. It is pure exploitation however. The rape scenes although very strange are shot in slow motion. This doesn't look all that great. In fact it is a bit on the blurry side but the blurry imagery and the shot on video cheapness is easily looked past due to the outrageous subject matter.

Might not want to watch this one with your girlfriend unless she is really cool. There is lots of nudity and rape mashed into a short 74 minute movie. I could see most being offended by this. Definitely not for everyone but then again those sensitive types would probably not even be reading this.

Shanghai Joe (1973)

Ever wonder what it would be like if Bruce Lee came to America to fight Clint Eastwood in a Western movie? Of course not because it is a ridiculous idea. Ridiculous is the key with Shanghai Joe and while this film might not offer up the martial arts experience of Enter The Dragon or the stylish showdowns of The Good, The Bad And The Ugly it has enough camp value and off the wall mayhem to make for a very memorable cult film.

Shanghai Joe is a Kung Fu master who's greatest life ambition is to come to America and become a cowboy. I'm not one to piss on someone elses dreams but this seems like an awful idea and when Joe arrives in Texas it proves to be an awful idea.

As you would think the old west was probably not the most tolerant of places and times and when this Asian man shows up he is called just about every name in the book. Shanghai Joe is filled to its brim with racial slurs and various other forms of politically incorrect debauchery.

Basically what Joe learns upon his arrival is that Americans have no honor, no respect for others, no respect for human life. They cheat, steal and will find any way possible to stick a man from behind and try to fuck them over. Shanghai Joe does what he has to in order to survive and luckily for us this means being a bad-ass Kung Fu-ing son of a bitch. Shanghai Joe fights his way across Texas and along his way he will fight a cannibal, Klaus Kinski, a bull and various other gun-slinging tough guy types. As if Shanghai Joe doesn't already sound amazing, this one comes complete with lots of gore. We get the expected gun shot wounds but this one also offers up some eyeball gore, severed arms, a man is impaled on spikes, torsos are split open with bare fists and we even have some self surgery going on.

With all these insane shenanigans it is hard to even pick the most memorable scene. I would say its a toss up between the final showdown or the ridiculous fight between Shanghai Joe and a giant bull. Joe takes the giant bull out with a flying jump-kick to the achy-breaky skull. Watch this scene without laughing, I dare ya!

Shanghai Joe has to be one of the most insane Spaghetti Westerns in cinematic history. Gore galore, shoot-em-up chaos, martial arts and some very very bad acting.

If you are in the mood for a strange fistful of pasta check this one out! There is also a sequel to this which I am yet to see called The Return Of Shanghai Joe.

Graphic Sexual Horror (2009)

A friend of mine recently brought this warped documentary to an all night festival of cult film debauchery and I am glad he did because I probably would have never sought this movie out on my own.

Graphic Sexual Horror takes a look into the sick and deranged world of insex.com a brutal S&M website that was pulled by the government for reasons that don't make much sense. As usual Big Brother has the last word as they poke their nose into so called free Americans business.

I am not defending the creators of insex.com or anybody who worked for the website because I believe they are all a bunch of depraved degenerates with a very strange idea of what is sexy. I just don't think that Uncle Sam should be able to tell me what I am allowed to spank one to. Oh and speaking of spankings, there is plenty of that to go around. Women are basically stripped, bound and tortured for sometimes six hours at a time. Of course they were payed with large sums of money and this of course makes it all okay. Right?

The founder of insex.com is nothing more then a deranged pervert, living out his morbid sexual fantasies and throwing lots of money around. He openly admits that he has been inspired by the "work" of serial killers and it seems obvious that if this man did not have the chance to live out these disgusting role playing fantasies that he would probably be tyingng girls up in his basements and torturing them to death.

Personally I find these images to be anything but sexy and I don't really understand what happens to a person to make them become so demented that the only way they can get their rocks off is to put a girl in a cage and drop her in a tank of water filled with leeches. Well I guess everyone has the right to live their own life and if these people are all consenting adults it is really their own business. Still the truth is that most of the girls who offer up interviews for the documentary admit that they are scared for life and they will never get over the tortures of insex.com. I personally do not see these girls as strong individuals. I see them as weak, money hungry prostitutes who will let me do anything I want to them for a buck. If they had a soul it would have been sold.

Check this one out for a look into a sick world that most people would rather ignore.

Zombieland (2009)

As usual when it comes to big budget Hollywood horror flicks that everyone loves it takes me forever to get around to see it and most of the time I want my hour and a half back once I finally do get around to it. Zombieland is one of those rare exceptions where I actually did enjoy the movie and now regret not seeing it four years earlier upon it theatrical release.

When Suan Of The Dead came out in 2004 it was a big hit amongst the new generation of horror-hounds. Many fans of the classics liked it a lot too. I thought it was a mediocre horror/comedy and didn't really understand the hype around it. Personally I feel Zombieland is a much more entertaining movie. Its more funny, more gory and overall just the better movie. Of course the massive and pointless use of computer graphics was its biggest down fault but this is something that is just unavoidable in the confused state of so called film making in the computerized 2000's.

The thing that makes Zombieland work so well is the fact that it is narrated. Our dorky main character has survived the zombie apocalypse which is amazing because he is afraid of everything from girls to public toilets and especially clowns. It is this super-nerds fears that have kept him alive all this time and right from the beginning he shares his technique with us through narration which is all done pretty comically.

Woody Harelson shows up as a zombie killing, Twinkie loving, Bill Murray fanatic. Woody makes killing zombies look like art. He uses a different weapon for just about every kill and he enjoys every minute of it. Emma Stone plays the leading lady and she is pretty nice to look at. Unfortunately Zombieland doesn't offer up any bare breasted action but we can only hope they will improve upon this in the sequel. Come on Emma Stone! Woody does get the chance to meet his hero and we are treated to the life and death of a zombified Bill Murray which was just fucking genius. Bill Murray takes Zombieland to a different level of ridiculousness and his performance is humorous to say the least. "I saw David Lee Roth the other day... Hes a zombie now".

Zombieland blends comedy and gore quite well. It offers up survival pointers such as "The double tap" which is an important rule to survive the zombie invasion. Don't ever assume your zombie is dead. Shoot em in the head again. We have plenty of these pointers throughout the movie and we also have the recurring talk about "Zombie kill of the week". The first time this subject comes up it takes place in a flashback where we see a senior citizen, grey haired, church woman kill a zombie with a falling piano booby trap.

Never during this movie do we ever feel like a main character might die. For this reason Zombieland is not a horror movie. It is clearly a comedy and for all those young zombie fanatics out there who like the Dawn Of The Dead remake and those stupid Resident Evil movies maybe Zombieland scares them but thats not surprising. I am just glad that somebody finally made a zombie comedy that isn't a total piece of shit. Of course Zombieland doesn't compete with a real zombie comedy like Return Of The Living Dead or even ultra low budgets from the past like Redneck Zombies but for a movie made in the modern age of shit cinema, you could do a lot worse.

I think I will catch the theatrical release of Zombielands follow up. "Fuck this clown"