Over 18... And Ready (1969)

What we have here is the worst example of a Roughie that I have seen in a very long time. It is the oh so familiar exploitation story of a young girl who wants to make it in the acting business and gets sucked into the smut picture racket. You know the rest, the only way this girl is going to make it to the top is from laying on her back.

For starters Over 18... And Ready casts an overly ugly crew. The main nudie here is not exactly horrible in the face but she has a body like a water buffalo and perhaps the worst posture I have seen in my life. For a minute I got excited because I thought this movie was going to be the first sexploitation scoliosis flick that I know of. Then we have this old wrinkled up lesbian who likes to take her clothes off on the beach. Yuck! So right off the bat this 60's sexploitation flick is pretty damn unattractive. Then there is the fact that it posses as a roughie when it is really nothing more then a very very boring nudie flick. The way they get around this is that the new "actress" is supposed to be staring in a rough flick. So its a movie within a movie and we as the audience get to see the very raw footage of the new film. We get one very tame whipping scene and then a simulated rape scene but the director calls "Cut" before we get to the nasty stuff.

Over 18... And Ready clocks in at just over a hour but it seems like a lifetime is going by as we try to stick it out through the horrible acting and awful sex scenes. In one of my favorite moments the new actress is asked if she can act. She replies "I think so. Besides you don't have to be very good to make it in one of these pictures". Oh boy, she wasn't kidding. If only you could here her deliver those lines. This is basically the same exact movie as A Sweet Sickness, which also wasn't very good but if I was forced to sit through one of these two titles again I think I would have to choose A Sweet Sickness. At least I didn't start to fall asleep through that one.

The only things that stood out in this movie at all is the fact that our leading woman has a shaved... well you know. This is pretty rare for these 60's sexploitation flicks. It also comes complete with a downer ending or at least what is supposed to be a downer. I have to admit the tragedy at the end made me a bit happy. For one, this means the movie is over and secondly I wanted someone else to feel some of the pain that I just endured while making my way through this rough sit.

Tourist Trap (1979)

This has to be one of the weirdest slasher films ever made. Not weird in an artsy-fartsy kinda way but just weird in general.

A group of four kids on a road trip are stranded in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. A seemingly nice old man invites them back to his now out of business wax museum where they are stalked by a maniac and haunted by the wax dummies which seem to come to life.

Now when I said this is a weird slasher, the weird part is obviously not the four kids being stalked and killed by a nutso maniac in crazy masks. Its weird that The Tourist Trap blends super natural horror with prototype serial slash-em-up scenes. It all makes more sense as the film runs on and we learn that the dummies are not actually alive but they are being moved by our killer who has a sort of Carrie White telekinetic power going on.

To make things even cooler The Tourist Trap has a sort of Texas Chainsaw Massacre vibe to it. For starters some of the masks are very reminiscent of Leather Face and the film also deals with a demented and psychotic family in the middle of nowhere. The director who was actually born and raised in Texas was probably influenced by the Tobe Hooper classic of 74 but I can not say for sure. The director would go on to do movies like The Crawl Space with Klaus Kinski and later the shot on video embarrassment Puppet Master. Well at least the guy started off strong.

Another highlight of this movie for me is the screen presence of the beautiful Tanya Roberts who I remember best for her wet t-shirt movies and of course the 70's low budget sickie Forced Entry, not to be mistaken for the 70's slasher porno with Harry Reams which goes by the same title. Well unfortunately miss Roberts doesn't show any nipples in this one but we do have the privilege of watching her skinny dip with her girlfriends. Full frontal or not Tanya Roberts is always nice to look at and adds to any horror film.

For me personally I think this film works best for younger genre fans. When I was a little kid this movie probably would have scared the shit out of. There are some very creepy scenes where the mannequins come to life and sort of scream at the cameras. When you are an adult it is all a bit funny, especially if you are like me and seen way to many horror films. Still The Tourist Trap is good campy fun from the late 70's. It comes complete with an axe that is swung into a mans neck, multiple shotgun blasts to the torso, a pole is shoved through a mans back, a woman is suffocated, drownings, strangulation's, stabbings and plenty of evil doll action.

Show this to your 12 year old cousin and it will probably scare the shit out of them.

Sleazemania Strikes Back (1985)

For those familiar with Johnny Legend (Teenage Cruisers) and his 1985 compilation Sleazemania, you get exactly what you expect with this 2nd entry in the series.

Sleazemania Strikes Back is another composit of filthy trailers, stag films and other bizarre entries in the annals of offbeat and trashy cinema. This compilation throws a bunch of classic Ed Wood trailers at us, such as Gelen Or Glenda aka I Changed My Sex, The Violent Years and The Sinister Urge. We also get a whole bunch of Herschell Gordon Lewis : The Godfather Of Gore trailers such as Blood Feast, Two Thousand Maniacs and a lot of his less gory and widely lesser known stuff such as This Stuff'ell Kill Ya and Suburban Roulette. Its obvious what audience Sleazemania speaks to. Lovers of trashy exploitation flicks from the 30's up to the 80's. Another nice highlight is the trailer for Johnny Legend's Teenage Cruisers.

Check it out for a great time in the gutter with trash film nostalgia.

The Manson Family (2003)

Jim Van Bebber is a god damn genius! Those out there who are familiar with the hard hitting violence of his films know exactly what I am talking about. I think that one general feeling for all Van Bebber fans is just wishing that the director had a bigger of body of work to his name. While I feel this way at times I am also very happy that the man doesn't just shit movies out because Deadbeat At Dawn and The Manson Family in particular are perfect for what they are.

This movie took the director close to 20 years to complete and all of the substance is there. Money of course being the main issue, it is amazing how much stamina and conviction a man like Jim Van Bebber has.

The film is perfect. It plays kind of like a documentary and it is obvious that these cats really did the homework on the subject. Many famous interviews are recreated and look as if we were watching the real family in 1970. Those familiar with the classic documentary Manson (1973) should know exactly what I mean. Doing a straight forward documentary would just be repetitive and Bebber opts to not just make another Manson-esque exploitation movie like I Drink Your Blood, so what he offers is a look at the family and not so much Charlie. The hippie sex, the drugs, the murder... Its all there. He also manages to blend the relevance of Manson and his family on society today and a new generation of dementos who want to carry on the old glory of antiestablishment and murder.

In one of the best moments Jim Van Bebber creates hell on earth in a scene where a dog is slaughtered by the hippie cult. They bath in the dogs blood and what follows next is a psychedelic trippy-dippy orgy with Charlie as Satan. The scene is amazing and looks like something that would have been shot in the late 60's or early 70's. Its really pretty mind blowing. The murder scenes are equally as memorable and the level of violence is really high on the gore-o-meter. By no means do these murder scenes seem to glorify the Manson Family murders. They do quite the opposite. They stand here to nauseate and horrify the audience and I feel that the mission was well accomplished. The stabbing scenes are relentless. We see the knives plunge down into the bodies of the victims over and over again.

The Manson Family is really not for everyone. Those who enjoy watching movies on Manson or really dig gory horror movies are probably the main audience here. For those people, myself included Jim Van Bebber left us something witchy. In other words it is an instant classic!

The Alley Tramp (1968)

The great Herschell Gordon Lewis directs this 1968 Sexploitation romp under the name of Armand Parys but we know a Herschell movie when we see one, don't we?

H.G. Lewis fans will recognize a lot of the cast members from other classic films. Steve White who I remember best as the singer in The Blast Off Girls shows up here as Philip and our small breasted, blond hair, leading girl Julia Ames can also be seen in Blast Off Girls as well as Just For The Hell Of It.

On the other hand people who are only used to Lewis's gore films (Blood Feast, Color Me Blood Red) might find it hard to believe that this slow moving sexploitation flick could come from the same man. All I have to say to them is watch The Alley Tramp back to back with The Gore Gore Girls and compare acting, cutting and camera work. You will see what I mean.

Marie is a sweet sixteen year old girl who is beginning to think about sex. In fact that is all she really ever thinks about. Then one day her cousin Philip stops by the house to study. Marie seduces Philip by wearing a short dress and no bra and giving him some peeks up her skirt. Yes her skirt is short even by today's standards but her giant 60's underwear is big enough for the couple to use as a blanket. Anyway, once the cousins indulge in a little bit of incest the sexual obsession becomes even stronger for Marie. What we have here is a classic case of a 16 year old nymphomaniac. Her nymphomania gets so bad that she even stops going to school so she can have more time to screw cousin Phil. Mean while mom and dad are neglecting the problem and are to busy cheating on each other. Pop is sleeping with his subhumanoid secretary and mom also really knows how to pick em. She finds herself a total creep in a local dive-bar. When Marie over hears mother dearest and her new boyfriend doing the dirty she black mails moms sleazy new boyfriend into being her own personal sex toy.

Its all just your pretty standard run of the mill sexploitation stuff. With some hot beaver shots and some not so hot nudie antics. Mom is probably the best looking female in the movie and she has some pretty wild hair to boot but the thing that makes The Alley Tramp so fun is the really bad acting and the obvious reading of lines. The actors are clearly looking down to read the dialogue and the best moment is a long screaming rant from our teenager in heat. "I'm no ones little girl. I'm a woman! And I'll never be told what to do! Not ever again". There are also some ridiculous scenes where Marie flaunts her body in front of mommy and it all comes together with a really horrible and ridiculous message after a nice abortion. It was of course all mommy and daddy's fault and there is really nothing wrong with incest. Thank you Herschell Gordon Lewis for you are a god amongst men in the world of exploitation.

The Alley Tramp will probably bore most viewers and is probably only appealing to weirdo H.G. Lewis fanatics like myself.

The Devils (1971)

This early 70's art film is a controversial look at Christianity and the inquisition in the middle ages. It is quite a twisted tale and it sticks with you for a while after viewing.

I really do have a soft spot in my heart for any movie that makes religion look scary. Films like Lucio Fulci's Beatrice Cenci and Bad Boy Bubby are amongst my favorites and now this crazy British flick. Anything you have read about The Devils will not prepare you for the insane vision that Ken Russell pans out across the screen for us. It is unbelievably maddening, relentless, disturbing and I guess offensive to religious folk but then again mentally challenged religious freaks probably have no place watching art films in the first place. They are probably better off reading the same book they always read once again.

For me The Devils was sort of like a cross between Witch Finder General, Beatrice Cenci and Holy Mountain with elements of a Nunsploitation flick thrown in. Of course The Devils ranks above the average exploitation movie in just about every department but the depraved and deprived nun thing is still there.

One of the things that made The Devils such a great experience for me was the fact that there really was no good guy in the whole movie. This is at least by the bibles standards. Sure our main character is better then others in some ways but what it all comes down to is that everybody is a sinner and most of the maniacs in this movie use religion as a shield for their own evil doings. This goes from womanizing to torture, rape and even murder.

In the most memorable and controversial scene a whole convent of nuns are tortured and brainwashed (as if they could be brainwashed any more then they already are) by the inquisition. The bastards who hide behind their robes and cloaks of imaginary good convince the nuns that they are possessed. The nuns go bats-crazy and indulge in a giant orgy. They take a statue of Christ down from his cross and let him in on the fun. They ride the nails in his hands, his torso and even his face (Crown of thorns and all). If the scene in The Exorcist bothered you, where little Reagan sticks a crucifix in her cunt, well then I recommend skipping this one at all costs. Next the women of god are forced to help the inquisitors wrongfully convict a priest who they want out of their way. The priest is brutally tortured into confessing his own blasphemy which is quite ironic and for me very tongue in cheek. We see the priest being beaten to a bloody pulp with hammers and yes it is all in the name of god.

I think it is safe to say that if there is a hell and the inquisition was not it, that everybody who had anything to do with The Devils would be going there. Or they could always just say ten hail Mary's and call it a day.

Blue Eyes Of The Broken Doll (1974)

This Spanish Giallo is also widely known as The House Of Psychotic Women in America and even aired on television as House Of Doom. To think of this movie on t.v. is completely ridiculous. Everything that is cool about it must have been removed. I personally prefer the Blue Eyes Of The Broken Doll title and for multiple reason. First being that it sounds like a genuine Italian made Giallo. Secondly, blue eyes and dolls are both part of the plot.

Blue Eyes Of The Broken Doll was directed by Carlos Aured who I remember best as the director of Horror Rises From The Tomb but it was co written by the great barrel-chest Paul Naschy and I thank the horror-gods for that. Paul Naschy stars in this murder mystery as Gilles. Gilles is a gardener and grounds keeper at a giant mansion. Living in the mansion aside from Naschy is a bunch of hot women. Its a house of hot psychotic women if you will. Or at least that's what they want us to think. Well some of these babes do seem to be a bit off and it is Naschy who seems to be the only completely sane person in the whole damn house. That is at least till the later part of the film.

Well it becomes quite obvious that Naschy helped write this thing because his character does exactly what we expect him to do. He basically walks around and acts tough all the time and takes his shirt off constantly to show us and the females around him his giant barrel-chest that we all know and love him for. Of course the women can't resist him. After all, they never can. They take turns screwing him and it all is just one big excuse for the girls to get naked in front of the camera and Naschy too of course. In fact the movie starts off pretty slow going and the only thing that keeps us from falling asleep is the bare breasted bimbos that are always on screen. If it wasn't for the nudity Blue Eyes Of The Broken Doll would probably be a real drooler.

Eventually the movie shifts gears and becomes less of a Sexploitation flick and more of what we would recognize as a Giallo. We do get a black gloved killer roaming about and knocking off the women one by one in true Slasher fashion. The killer uses multiple weapons but in one of the most memorable scenes the weapon of choice is a simple gardening tool. The small little claw that is used for raking weeds up from the garden but in this scene it is used to claw out a pretty blond haired woman's eyes. In fact there is quite a bit of this eye-gore stuff and we often see the killer roaming around with blue eyes in the palm of the black gloves. Priceless! We are also treated to some maggots pouring out of a corpses eye sockets which is always a nice added bonus in the gross department.

Wait a minute, isn't Naschy a gardener in this movie? Does this mean he is the killer? Maybe... Blue Eyes Of The Broken Doll has so many red herrings. They almost try to pass every character in the movie off as the killer at some point and yes we do get a fair share of twists and turns and chances are you will never guess who the killer is before it is revealed even though there are some hints dropped here and there.

Some of the other scenes that come to mind that are worthy of talking about is a scene where Naschy gets into a knife fight and ultimately is stabbed in the guts. A babe seduces an old fucker while wearing her best cheerleader outfit. We get some cool looking squib effects in a gory 70's shoot-em-up scene and the ending is sure to make you chuckle.

Nowhere near my top favorite Giallo flicks or even Naschy movies for that matter but still worth a watch for plenty of naked female & Naschy chests alike.

Monsturd (2003)

Do you like shitty movies? If so, this one might be for you. This is the biggest piece of shit I have ever seen. Its filled to the brim with toilet humor and the monster or should I say Monsturd is a giant killer bowel movement. Awesome!

Usually I hate just about everything that is shot on video. Especially if it is shot in the 2000's but every once and a while I come across something that sparks my demented attention. I first rented this movie upon its release in 2003 and the guy behind the counter warned me that this is "a crappy movie" I thought that was funny and I ended up laughing through the whole damn thing.

A mad scientist who works for "Duetech" comes up with a new deadly bacteria and releases it into the California sewage system. Mean while a serial killer named Jack Schmidt (see the toilet humor) escapes from prison and hides in the sewers. He falls into the waste that our mad scientist has concocted and he melts down to the bone. Naturally Jack Schmidt's d.n.a. mixes with the foul bacterial and we get a giant killer doo doo, a number 2 if you will.

The killer piece of shit terrorizes a small California town. Comes up from the toilet and catches you "with your pants down". The police send an emergency warning for people to stay away from their toilets but this is easier said then done because the annual chili cook off is coming up "and we all know that where there is chili, there are toilets".

I love that Monsturd chose to take the classic nature gone wrong angle with a big event coming up that the town relies on, similar to movies like Piranha and Grizzly. Of course they threw in a little Texas Chainsaw Massacre part 2 for added spice with the chili cook off. The truth is that Monsturd is filled with all kinds of horror cliches and homage to bigger and better things. We have a character named Johnny Waters which can be taken two ways. Of course the infamous cult trash film director or just simply toilet water. Brilliant! This movie also pays homage to Blood Feast in a much appretiated scene and we just get plenty of ridiculous moments all of which were done with a 8 year olds sense of humor. In other words it was perfect for me.

In one of my favorite scenes we watch a cop beat the shit out of a hippie puppet that he is supposed to use for a classroom full of kids to persuade them not to use drugs. The cop smashes the hippies head in with a knight stick while letting out a strand of curse words. "You low-life, dope smoking, hippie, scumbag, piece of shit". That scene makes me laugh every time. Then there is the fact that the cops are all pretty much retarded. They wear diapers on their heads, knees and elbows as armor and arm themselves with pepto bismol, toilet paper and flies because we all know that flies like to eat shit. Sounds like files to a Shit-Man is like krypton's to Superman.

The makers of Monsturd would also go on to do a similar spoof type horror flick called Retardead, which I have not seen to date but I think its about time to give that one a go. If it is half as funny as Monsturd it can't be all that bad.

Monsturd is way better then the majority of these brain-dead spoof horror flicks. If you like this thing you might want to check out Yakov Levi's short film The Killer Bra which is just as amateurish but shares the same level of bad taste.

The Vampyre (200?)

First, a bit of history. The Vampyre was written in 1819 by John W. Polidori. It was the first Vampire story to ever be published in English... Thanks Wikipeidia.com

Now for the movie. Paul Naschy plays Lord Ruthven, a vampire who stalks and kills a young woman. That is really all you get here in this short film. The truth is it sucks! The Vampyre was to dark to see and completely uninteresting. Naschy is old as Nosferatu in this one and it is one hell of a downer. Don't watch it!

The Legend Of Nigger Charley (1972)

Like the saying goes "They just don't make them like they used to". Then you might get some asshole youngster who wants to argue the fact because they like the way c.g.i. looked on the last fucking Transformers movie or something. Well, all I have to say to them is nobody making dangerous movies anymore but they would never even dare an attempt at an exploitation title like The Legend Of Nigger Charley.

Perhaps the foreign poster is less offensive and safer to put on my blog. Well its a damn shame because The Legend Of Nigger Charley is a great piece of exploitative history. This one brings the Blaxploitation genre into the western territory. Of course it would spawn a sequel called The Soul Of Nigger Charlie but would also be a big influence for future film Boss Nigger which also stars Fred (The Hammer) Williamson and that bad D'Urville Martin that we all know and love as Willie Green from Dolemite.

In this one Fred Williamson plays Nigger Charley, a black slave in the old west. Charley's master is on his death bed and as a last act of kindness he sets Charley free but things can't be that easy for our gun-slinging soul brother. The man who is taking over the estate wants Charley for a whipping boy but he bites off more then he can handle when he tries to stop Charley. Charley beats that honky to death and it wont be long before the law is after him. Not even a freed slave has the right to kill a white man. Not in this movie anyway.

So Charley takes bad D'Urville Martin and another friend named Joshua with him and they shoot their way across the desert. When they hit an exceptionally racist town, they decide to "Warn the west. Nigger Charley ain't runnin no more". They kill anybody who tries to keep them from their freedom and its not long before the three outlaws are growing in numbers. African Americans are eager to join up with the bad-ass crew and fight for the love of brotha. Of course Mr. Williamson is the hero and of course he gets all the bitches, even half white ones. We get some really cheesy shoot-em-up scenes and a whole lot of racial slurs thrown into the mix and what it all comes down to is that ain't nobody ever gonna own this nigga again.

Personally preferring this earlier film over Boss Nigger, I would recommend The Legend Of Nigger Charlie to anyone who likes Blaxploitation movies and Fred Williamson in particular. It comes complete with a cool theme song and a crazy black old-timer in a big hat who tells some pretty crazy stories. We also have a bad guy who calls himself The Preacher and quotes from the bible before he kills mother fuckers. Sound familiar? Cough... Pulp Fiction.

Dr. Frankensteins Castle Of Freaks (1974)

This is one of those movies that people love to bad mouth that I absolutely love. What we have here is an Italian Euro-Trash Frankenstein flick. Well its kind of a Frankenstein flick. It does have a mad scientist named Count Frankenstein. Wait a minute isn't Dracula supposed to be a Count and Frankenstein a doctor? This is just a sample of the confusion and madness that Frankenstein's Castle Of Freaks has to offer.

Anyway, Frankenstein is up to his old tricks again of bringing the dead back to life. He has a big oaf of a man with white bandages wrapped around his head with a big blotch of blood on it strapped to the table in his lab. There is also a caveman running around and terrorizing the village. Mean while Frankenstein's dwarf assistant is fondling the dead bodies when nobody is looking and all of the women in the movie use any excuse they can to take their clothing off in front of the cameras.

Yep this one is pretty trashy and that's what makes it so damn good. All you cats out there that like to trash-talk this movie should really know better then to buy something with a title like Frankenstein's Castle Of Freaks. I think those people might be more brain-dead then Count Frankensteins mongoloid monster. That guy knows a good exploitation title when he sees one and he enjoys the naked ladies as much as I do.

Oh and did I mention that this movie has a sinister necrophiliac dwarf running around? Of course I did. The necrophile dwarf is played by Michael Dunn and he might be recognized by lovers of bad cinema from The Werewolf Of Washington. Well anyway, this little guy touches one to many corpses and Count Frankenstein throws him out of his castle of freaks. The little corpse fucker heads for the caves and joins forces with the caveman who has been causing all the havoc. The dwarf uses the strong caveman to help him rape helpless women. The unproportioned duo also work together to kill Count Frankenstein but things get really crazy when the bandaged monster breaks loose. Oh it is quite the spectacle to see. Two giant retards battling to the death with a pervy dwarf caught in the middle of it all. Mean while the villagers form a typical angry Frankenstein type mob with pitchforks and burning torches.

We also get all these weird scenes of naked babes bathing in some muddy hole in the ground and I think somewhere in that hole is a fog machine because the place is always very misty. We also get a completely out of place S&M scene in a barn. Women are slapped around, midgets are carried around, mongoloids and giants are thrown around and it is all just one hell of a good trashy time.

As I mentioned before, some people feel the need to explain how horrible this movie is. All I have to say to these people is, Stop Watching Exploitation Movies! Frankenstein's Castle Of Freaks was directed by the same cat who produced Pieces, so that should give you some kind of idea what you are in for. Watch it if you can dig films that are made in complete and total bad taste. This one would go perfect with Jesus Franco's the Erotic Rites Of Frankenstein or as I like to call it "Franken-Shine"

Human Beasts (1980)

Written, directed and staring the great barrel chest who goes by the name of Paul Nashy. Nashy really blends the genres in this twisted tale of murder and betrayal.

Human Beasts also known as The Beasts Carnival and Cannibal Killers - Human Beast blends elements of an Italian style crime film, a gialo, a haunted house movie and an American style cannibalistic family like Texas Chainsaw Massacre or The Hills Have Eyes and in case if this isn't enough for you we are also treated to some killer pigs but we will get back to that later.

Paul Nashy plays Bruno, a backstabbing criminal who betrays his Asian girlfriend and partners during a heist. Once Bruno has the gems that he was after he shoots his partners full of holes and leaves his girlfriend stranded with the dead bodies on the side of the road.

Well we all know that the Japanese folk do not like to be dishonored so Nashy's girl swears vengeance upon him and fills him full of bullet holes to return the favor. With the help of some hand grenades Nashy makes his escape and seeks refuge in an old mansion where he is brought back to health by the man of the house and his two daughters. Right off the bat we know that something ain't right with this family. One of the daughters is a total slut-whore-nympho who likes to ride Nashy's unconscious, bullet filled body. The father likes to whip his black maid and the house seems to be haunted by a ghost of the late lady of the house. Of course Nashy sticks around and also takes turns sticking the daughters. We all know that the ladies just can't resist Paul Nashy and his infamous barrel-chest...

Soon the movie will shift gears again into slasher territory and we have a gialo type killer running around with black gloves and knocking people off one by one. In the best scene we witness a pervy man with a John Waters mustache being eaten alive by pigs. This scene is fucking awesome and makes the whole movie worth its time. Another victim catches a hook through the eye and we get slit throats and stabbings to boot. This is now the third Paul Nashy Gialo type movie I have seen to date. Panic Beats and Blue Eyes For A Broken Doll are the other two. I'm not sure exactly how many of these Italian influenced murder mysteries he has done but the three I have seen are all pretty cool for their own reasons and unlike the more popular Nashy monster-rama stuff Nashy doesn't necessarily have to win in the end.

Human Beasts comes complete with some artsy-fartsy and creepy dream sequences, naked female flesh, a bit of gore and cannibalism. Nashy fans will not be disappointed.