2069 : A Sex Odyssey (1974)

These 70's sex comedies sure can be a rough sit. 2069: A Sex Odyssey is pretty painful all the way through. The general idea is to make a movie that is sexy and funny at the same time. This one manages to fail in both categories.

The famous saying men are from Mars and women are from Venus proves to be only half right in this German sexploitation flick.

Venus is populated by women in shinny helmets and sparkley makeup. They head to planet Earth to find men and learn the purpose of the sex organs.

Well the alien babes make their landing and they do find men. Some get naked and some we wish would just leave their clothes on. There really isn't to much going on here in the writing department. The plot is paper thin and my 77 minute version feels like it drags on for a lifetime.

There were a whole slew of these softcore and hardcore Star Wars influenced exploitation flicks made but 2069 : A Sex Odyssey is probably the worst I have seen to date.

For a much better time you might want to check out Wham Bam Thank You Spaceman which would come out one year after the release of this piece of trash. That one offers up some laughs and the naked female flesh is much nicer to look at as well. Or you could always check out Ultra Flesh for some hardcore intergalactic fun with Seka and Jamie Gillis. Even Louis De Jesus from Blood Sucking Freaks shows up in that one for some under the table sex antics. This movie on the other hand has nothing to offer but a wasted hour or so and a Shelly Winters look alike who has the audacity to take her swinging utters out. Plus the whole thing takes place in the snow. The naked women look as misserable in the cold as I was watching it.

The Malicious Whore (1979)

Most would probably remember Andrea Bianchi best as the sleazy director who did Burial Ground and Strip Nude For The Killer. Bianchi proves yet again that he is a master in the ways of Eurotrash with Malabimba, also known as The Malicious Whore.

Malabimba is pure exhibitionism disguised as an Exorcist ripoff. Sure we have a demon possessed teenage girl but the soul purpose of this movie is to show full fledged female nudity.

The movie starts off with a typically cheesy Italian seance and Bimba, the youngest girl in the house becomes possessed by a an evil force. The demon within Bimba turns her into a total nymphomaniac. She spies on her uncle and his lover and in the uncut version we are treated to some XXX hardcore action. She gets naked at house parties but unfortunately doesn't piss on the carpet in front of a priest.

Bimba is so horny that she sinks to the level of fucking her stuffed animals. She cuts the crotch open on her favorite teddy bear and shoves a candle stick between his legs. I'm sure you can figure out what shes planning on doing next. She even masturbates with a smurf looking stuffed animal.

Its not long before Bimba is down in the basement and performing some oral sex on a bed ridden, crippled relative. She is caught with the meat in her mouth by Mariangela Giordano who I remember best as the hot mom who has her titty eaten by her zombie son in Burial Ground. This time around Mirangela plays a nun by the name of Sister Sofia and our sleazy version of The Exorcist makes its way into Nunsploitation territory.

Sister Sofia does her best to warn the family of Bimba's evil ways but its not long before the nun also falls victim to the sexual deviance of The Malicious Whore.

It is nice to see Mariangela Giordano yet again in the buff and we are treated to a steamy lesbian scene. Oh and did I mention that Bimba is supposed to be 15 years old? Well of course she doesn't look it. In fact she is a bit boyish and the least attractive out of the whole lot. Still the age thing makes Malabimba all the more twisted and bizarre.

Aside from Seytan (The Turkish Exorcist), The Malicious Whore might be my new favorite Exorcist rip. It most certainly has to be the most erotic version I have ever seen and it comes complete with plenty of naked ladies, very silly dialogue and holds back on all the exorcism stuff that tends to make us sleep after a while. Eurotrash fans will love this!

Drunken Master II (1994)

Everything that was great about Drunken Master is pretty much thrown out with the bath water in this shitty follow up. In reality Drunken Master II is not even really a sequel. It's more like a remake or just another look at Wong Fei-Hung and completely separate from the 70's classic.

This one plays more like a cross between Bruce Lee's The Big Boss and Drunken Master. A group of bully-boy fascists take over a workers plant and force the blue collar men to put in more hours with no benefit. When the people try to revolt they are whipped into shape with some Kung-Fu-ery by the bastards in charge. Wong Fei-Hung (Jackie Chan) has his own run in with these bad dudes when he gains hold of an ancient Chinese artifact that they want.

Now it is time for Wong Fei-Hung to get to drinking and fighting even though his pacifist father does not allow either one. Well Wong defies his father and goes to war with the scum and we get plenty of drunken fighting.

The main problem with this 90's flick is that they went over board with the comedy. Where the original Drunken Master was very slap-sticky, this one is just dumb, obnoxious and even a bit embracing to watch at times.

They try to make up for this here and there with double fisted drinking, vomiting and a few cool fight scenes but still nothing that really stands out on this one. Skip it and watch the original again.

Faces Of Death IV (1990)

I been watching a lot of these Faces Of Death movies and pretty much shitting on them with the exception of the original in all of my reviews but I have to admit I kind of liked F.O.D. 4. It is just the same old rehash from previous F.O.D. movies and the reenactments is just as bad if not worse then Faces Of Death III but there were certain elements which give the 4th movie some replay value.

The first redeeming value that is noticed is probably the slick narration from the way over the top and as bad as they come actor James B. Schwartz who plays Dr. Louis Flellis who is supposed to be continuing the studies of death from Dr. Francis B. Gross who we all know and love from the first film. Well even if James B. Schwartz holds the record for worlds worst actor he is at least given good lines to read. Underground hip hop character Necro must have felt the genius of the narration within F.O.D. 4 because he uses a large amount of it on his Gory Days record for the song World Gone Mad. "We are living in a world gone mad. A crazy world. A world where death is a way of life. Every day we read of atrocities that numb our brain, but I believe to deny the insanity or flee from it is to submit to it and be at the mercy of it. One must study death in order to appreciate life. Come with me as we descend into a world gone mad." Pretty nifty huh? Necro would take more from the narration through out the film. Aside from the witty narration the reenactments are very unbalanced. While obviously fake due to camera angles and such some of the scenes are disturbingly graphic in a some what realistic manner while others are so ridiculous that you have to laugh. For instance the giant, radioactive leech which attaches itself to a swimming woman seems like it should have been in a 50's monster movie or something. What is this Attack Of The Giant Leeches or Faces Of Death? Then we get an incredibly fake scene where a Vietnamese family cuts up a puppy and cooks it up for some chow. A group of dumb drunken 80's morons run a girl over with a speedboat and take a little bit to much off the top of that mullet. Then there is a failed bungee rope stunt.  F.O.D. 4 sports an awesome scene near the very end. It doesn't look real by any sense of the world but I can see it being used in a Jim Van Bebber (Deadbeat At Dawn) movie or something. A group of Satanists are arrested and during the bust the FBI... and we know its the FBI because they are wearing blue jackets that say "FBI" on the back, find a mans severed head in a box which is supposed to be sent out to fellow Satanists. The FBI agents also find a snuff flick that the cultists made. They stick a knife in a mans face and the gore effects look like something out of a Lucio Fulci flick. Pretty bad-ass! The satanic climax makes F.O.D. 4 well worth the watch. I just wish they could have used some of these special effects in a real movie instead of a bad excuse for a mondo flick. Some of the other treats that F.O.D. 4 has to offer is a magician who has his achy-breaky skull smashed open in a magic trick gone wrong, a muscle-head who allows his friends to drive a pick-up truck over his mid torso, political war crimes and plenty more.

F.O.D. 4 also offers up some anti vegetarian nonsense as if the viewers are really concerned with the social politics of a Faces Of Death writer. Totally ridiculous! I knew sooner or later I would start laughing at these movies.

House On Bare Mountain (1962)

House On Bare Mountain is one of the weirdest nudie cutie's of all time. Directed by exploitation pioneer Lee Frost also known as R.L. Frost who is known for greats such as Defilers, The Black Gestapo and The Thing With Two heads and also for his awful excursions as well such as Zero In And Scream and Ride Hard Ride Wild.

House On Bare Mountain is amongst the earliest of Lee Frost films and is definitely worth a watch for anybody who is into 60's nudie cutie films. Its as strange as they come.

House On Bare Mountain plays more like a nudist camp film with monsters thrown into the mix. Monsters such as Frankenstein, Dracula and The Wolf Man. Of course these monsters are made up in really cheap looking masks and awful makeup. In fact the man who did the makeup for the Wolf Man character was responsible for the make up on Plan 9 From Outer Space. So that should give you a little idea on the production value that we are looking at here.

Still House On Bare Mountain is good filthy fun and an example of bizarre 60's sexploitation at its finest. It all takes place in a school for girls called G.G.S.F.G.G. which stands for Granny Good's School For Good Girls. Granny Good is played by exploitation veteran Bob Cresse in drag. Granny Good has it made. She sits around all day drinking and watching her good girls take showers, go sunbathing, jump rope in the nude etc. Actually the good girls in Granny Goods school never really wear much clothes. Since House On Bare Mountain is an earlier example of the nudie cutie coming in while the nudist camp films were still being shit out by the dozens, we are treated to plenty of tits and ass but the pubic region is a no-no. The girls do a pretty damn good job here covering up their genitals but that is about all they can do well. The acting on the other hand is pretty terrible but lets face it, you're not watching House On Bare Mountain in search of an over looked academy award winner.

Nope, you pretty much get exactly what you came for and that is plenty of T&A, giant 60's underwear that is big enough to choke a horse, crazy go-go dancing, cheesy monsters and a really dumb plot. This movie also has one of the greatest exploitation movie trailers in the history of trash cinema. If you can't bring yourself to sit down and watch this brand of smut then at least check out the trailer. It proudly states "If you don't like horror movies or sex... Or comedies or sex... Or adventure or sex... Or Frankenstein or sex... Or the Wolf Man or sex... Or Dracula or sex... Or the Mummy or sex... Then don't come see this movie honey. Because this movie is dirty. Dirty! Dirty! Dirty! Its even Filthy!" The trailer really has to be seen to be fully appreciated. Oh and did I mention that this movie is dirty?

Angel Guts 5 : Red Vertigo (1988)

The infamous Angel Guts series is typical Pinku filth. I have only seen two out of the six films in the series to date. The first one being Angel Guts : Nami which is the third film in the series and now this one. Angel Guts : Nami is about as disgusting as they come with rape scene after rape scene and an unforgettable and nauseating necrophilia scene. In other words, I loved it.

Angel Guts 5 on the other hand is rather tame and even a bit boring. From what I have read about the series, the only ones worth watching are the first three films.

This one has the audacity to call itself Red Vertigo but be forewarned, this aint no Alfred Hitchcock remake. There is barely a plot here at all and to top it all off the movie is not even shocking. Instead it aims for some sexy stuff in the earlier part of the film but they mess that up with all the violent rape stuff and then it just becomes a boring love story.

For those of you who have never heard of the Angel Guts series, it is another series of trashy Pinku films taken from Manga. The films are not really connected in any way other then the fact that the main character is always named Nami and that they all deal with rape and violent sex. Well Angel Guts : Red Vertigo couldn't even seem to get that right considering there is really only attempted rape scenes in this one.

The plot if you can call it that follows Nami a nurse who is having a really bad day. First her patients at the hospital try to rape but she fights them off and runs home only to find her scumbag boyfriend in bed with another woman. Nami takes off running again but is hit by a car and knocked unconscious. The man who hit her is in a bit of trouble of his own. His wife walked out on him and the Yakuza is after him for money that he has not payed up. However it is a little hard to feel bad for this prick considering that after he hits Nami with his car he decides to tie her up rape her.

Oops! I said rape again. I meant to say he attempts to rape her because once again Nami fights her attacker off. After she kicks this losers ass a bit he spends what seems like ages trying to apologize to her. Naturally Nami and the hit and rape driver fall in love and we get sex scenes and shower scenes and more sex scenes.

Yes it is all pretty dumb and pointless and its really just an excuse to show some bare breasted women but the end really takes the cake. I won't give the ending away in case if anybody out there possibly gives a shit about this movie but the ending comes completely out of left field and makes the whole movie seem even more pointless then it already was and that is quite an accomplishment.

In 1981 Abel Ferrara did the classic rape/revenge flick Ms. 45 which had a similar plot. The only difference here is that Ferrara didn't cop out on the rape scenes and did what any respectful director would have done and gave us a great revenge flick filled with murder but if you would rather see the rape victim fall in love with the bad guy then maybe this one is for you. Otherwise avoid Angel Guts 5 and check out Nami. Its a sick one.

The Ultimate Degenerate (1969)

Oh yes the Findlay's have done it again. For those unfamiliar with Michael and Roberta Findlay's body of work in trash cinema. The married couple has released some of the filthiest roughie, sexploitation films known to man.

Amongst the most offensive of Findlay movies is the Flesh trilogy. Kiss Of Her Flesh, Curse Of Her Flesh and Touch Of Her Flesh stars Michael Findlay himself as a sex crazed psychopath with a fetish for torturing and killing sexy young women.

The Ultimate Degenerate is equally depraved. Again Michael Findlay plays the leading degenerate but this time instead of being blind in one eye he is wheelchair bound. The cripple sicko goes by the name of Spencer and Spencer has an underground S&M ring where women are payed handsomely to satisfy Spencer's every need. Lets just say Spencer is into some sick and twisted shit.

The latest addition to Spencer's underground sewer of pleasure is an exhibitionist named Maria. Maria is "sick of New York City and the human garbage that litters the streets" For some cash and kicks she meets up with Spencer's partner Bruno and joins the ring of smut.

Maria is a bit of a nympho already and upon her arrival she is shot up with Spencer's special aphrodisiac drug and becomes more horny then ever. She indulges in lesbian acts which is nothing new to her considering the film opens up with Maria rolling around naked with her heavy breasted roommate. Maria also lays naked on the diner table while Spencer enjoys a meal. She lay with her feet facing Spencer. "I think the smell of feet excites him" but its not long before Maria feels degraded as she is gratuitously sprayed down with whipped cream. Whipped Cream is just one of Spencer's many fetishes and luckily for Maria it is one of the less violent ones.

The film soon sinks further into the depth of the depraved when we are treated to bondage, whips and other things. The most memorable scene shows a woman performing fellatio on a corn on the cob. Spencer has a real love for corn on the cob and he shoves multiple cobs up a girls hoo-ha. Bruno watches the corn festivities in disgust and realizes that his partner is sick beyond repair. Spencer truly is The Ultimate Degenerate.

It all comes to a climax in a trippy, nightmarish art scene with naked babes, more whipped cream, human skulls and murder. The Ultimate Degenerate offers up gas mask villains, hot fire poker torture and plenty of big 60's underwear to hold the attention of the average demented degenerate.

I hold this depraved filth very close to my heart and would like to thank the late Michael Findlay for having a sick enough mind to think this stuff up. The Ultimate Degenerate goes perfect with a side of corn. Sick! Sick! Sick!

Kids (1995)

No other movie has ever depicted the directionless youth of the 90's better then this one. Kids is here as a permanent reminder of my own useless generation and I went to school with just about every character in this movie.

Kids follows a group of nihilistic urban street kids through the course of one day. The two main characters are Telly and Casper "The dopest ghost". Telly cares about one thing and one thing only and that is sex but he is not content with having sex with anyone. Telly has a fixation with young virgins. In the opening scene we see Telly taking the virginity of a very young teenage girl. In the films final moments Telly is yet again devirginizing another victim and I say victim because Telly is not the healthiest of people in the sexually transmitted disease department. "Virgins... I love em. No fucking diseases and no loose as a goose pussy". Telly's best friend Casper on the other hand is a bit more of a mess. He drinks excessively and there is barely a moment in the film where Casper does not have a 40 oz. drink in his hand. The drinking is of course between smoking pot, doing whip-its, stealing, fighting and even raping other teenage girls. This is all of course acceptable behaviour amongst the group of friends. After all they are only kids.

Written by 19 year old Harmony Korine who would go on to do the equally controversial Gummo, I can't really see Kids appealing to anybody who wasn't a teenager in the 90's or at least was not a street-kid. Kids does not paint a pretty picture. Depressing images of urban street decay, violence, junkies and weirdos are strung together to form a memorable, nihilistic piece of chaos. The fact that this movie was written by such a young person says one of two things. Either Harmony Korine was smart enough to try to make a statement on his own doomed generation or he was simply writing exactly what he saw on the streets and with his friends. I think the second is the most likely candidate which just further proves the mind frame of this generation. Nothing matters except getting high, screwing and skate boarding. Another interesting thing to look at in Kids is how irrelevant race is. The kids are black, white, brown and yellow and it doesn't mean a thing. Nothing matters as long as you are cool enough and lacking in moral fiber. This is just the way in New York. I'm sure it is different in more primitive parts of the U.S. but in New York the kids do not see in black and white. They just see through blured vision.

The whole movie is best summed up in the final scene when Casper wakes up naked on a couch surrounded by beer bottles and passed out friends sprawled across the floor in sweaty piles. "Jesus Christ... What happened?". Perhaps he is better off not remembering what happened. It was a long day filled with street violence, drug use, drinking and rape. Kids also offers up very young kids smoking marijuana and when I say young I mean probably 12 years old. It shows young kids having sex, there is a segment that teaches you how to role a blunt, there is a very violent beating in the street that shows about 20 kids on one. We get plenty of foul mouthed memorable quotes, a man with no legs on a skateboard and we are invited into the mind of the young people of the 90's.

Kids is a great movie that is not afraid to show Kids for the monsters that they are. After all they are only a product of their enviorment. They are old enough to know better but to young to care.

Drugstore Cowboy (1989)

Remember when Matt Dillon was cool? In movies like Rumble Fish and Over The Edge? Well I guess there comes a time where you get to old to keep up the bad-ass juvenile delinquent act but its a shame when such a cool actor moves on to do Hollywood crap like Crash (2004). Drugstore Cowboy is the last of Dillon's more cutting edge stuff and I'm sure its safe to say that it is his last cult film.

Directed by Gus Van Sant, Drugstore Cowboy follows a gang of four junkies lead by Bob (Dillon) and his girlfriend Dianne (Kelly Lynch) who get their fix by breaking into drug stores and stealing the pills.

Gus Van Sant artistically depicts the life of the criminal junkie in a comedic manner. To take such a dark subject matter and make it funny is quite the task. Throw in the artsy-fartsy stuff and you are left with a classic in drugsploitation.

Bob is loser who has been in and out of jail most of his life. As he gets older the life style of being a drug addict is getting harder. Not only is it getting hard to find a new place to rob but the police are hot on his tail. He decides to take his gang of junkies on the road, across country to what will be be a life changing experience for him. Bob believes a hex is placed on him and his crew when one of his followers puts a hat on a bed. This is never explained in a way that makes any sense but Bob has some wacky ideas about luck. Well the hat on the bed turns out to be a bad omen after all and the result is an over dose of one of his friends. Stuck in a hotel room with a corpse Bob has to make some serious decisions on what to do. A cop gets shot, Bob is beaten bloody and his childhood sweet heart turns out to not not be as faithful as Bob thought.

Perhaps the drugs will not help Bob escape this one. His whole world is turned upside down and it is time for Bob to make a change but even as he tries to straighten out it seems the world is against him... or is it just the hex from the hat on the bed?

William S. Burroughs shows up as a junkie-priest and offers up some awesome Burroughs type dialogue. The movie also sports an okay soundtrack and when its all said and done Drugstore Cowboy makes for a good time with plenty of replay value. I think the main audience for this movie is people who like more modern type junkie films like Trainspotting but there is also a Rivers Edge type of feel that runs through out. There is also something a bit artistic about it. Whether it is the cinematography, the plot or the social messages that are thrown into it. Drugstore Cowboy is not your average time waster. It is more of a conversation starter that is filled with humor.

Drunken Master (1978)

Drunken Master is one of my all time favorite Kung Fu flicks. This timeless cult classic blends slap stick comedy and drunken martial arts perfectly and makes for a fun watch every time.

Jackie Chan plays Wong Fei-Hung a foul mouthed juvenile delinquent who likes to beat up his teacher, make out with his cousin and run amok in the streets with his fellow delinquent friends. He even goes as far as to steal from local restaurants. When his father fails to discipline young Wong he sends him to a legendary martial artist named Su Hai which is pronounced "So High". Su Hai has a reputation for being the most brutal of teachers and a brutal martial artist at the same time. Su Hai most certainly is "So High". He drinks like a fish and is always intoxicated. Su Hai teaches his new juvenile delinquent student the ways of The Drunken Master. As Wong studies the "8 drunken gods" he becomes unbeatable and of course a staggering drunk.

Of course the gratuitous drinking and Kung Fu is the main point of interest here but it also helps that the English dubbing is so dirty. "Go clean piss and crud-holes, you shit head" The language is  comical and offensive and the acting is pretty bad, as is expected from almost any Hong Kong Kung Fu movie. We also get a typical over the top training scene that seems to go on for a bit to long. Jackie Chan takes on punishment in the form of cracking walnuts between his fingers, balancing cups of boiling water on his arms, legs and head and endures many other forms of torture before he becomes a Drunken Master himself. Next he goes to war with Thunderleg, an assassin who is payed to kill his father.

Aside from the bad language, drinking and gratuitous training scenes, Drunken Master offers up a bald lunatic who fights his battles with his head alone, Jackie Chan smashes the mans skull in with a steel hammer, we also get to see Chan rub his ass on an opponents face, some really gross eating habits and an awesome final fight scene. The only thing that could have made The Drunken Master any better would have been a bit more blood.

So gather up your alcoholic friends, get a jug of cheap wine and laugh your way through Drunken Master.

The Bloody Judge (1970)

Jesus Franco digs back into British history and basis The Bloody Judge off of King James The II and his murderous followers in the Clergy. Christopher Lee, who most remember best for his Hammer Studio's work like Horror Of Dracula also has appeared in some nastier Foreign stuff like Mario Bava's The Whip And The Body. Lee plays The Bloody Judge in this trashy film and it is amongst the nastiest of Christopher Lee's body of work.

Christopher Lee himself claims he has never seen The Bloody Judge due to the fact that he is offended from what he has heard from critics upon the brutality and eroticism of the films nature. The truth is that The Bloody Judge is almost a bit tame as far as Franco goes. Sure there is torture, rape and full frontal nudity on display but the director has far surpassed The Bloody Judge in bad taste on previous films and features to come. For me The Bloody Judge plays like a less violent and over the top version of the cult classic Mark Of The Devil, which would be released in the same year. Which film came first I'm not exactly sure but it is safe to say that both of these burn-witch-burn movies cashed in on Vincent Price's Witchfinder General and took it in a more exploitative and ghastly direction.

And speaking of exploitation, The Bloody Judge went under the ridiculous title of Night Of The Blood Monster in America not to be mistaken for the awful Corman flick Night Of The Blood Beast. The American title is not only a misleading title but just a bad title in general. Jesus Franco and Christopher Lee alike were both disgusted by the American distribution and retitling of the movie and I can't say that I blame them much.

Even if I were lucky enough to catch this thing on 42nd street or in some shit-hole theater somewhere I would be expecting something more like a John Ashley movie like Brides Of Blood rather then a Franco telling of the Inquisition and witch burnings.

Well they don't call em exploitation movies for nothing and for those poor unfortunates who thought they were going to see an all out monster-fest... That's just another battle scar that comes with the territory for us life long devoted drive-in movie fans and cult film enthusiasts.

Another problem with The Bloody Judge is that it runs a bit to long. In its uncut form The Bloody Judge clocks in at 104 minutes and there just isn't enough bloodletting and nudity to fill that amount of space. Instead Franco stages a battle with real cannons, horses and old time wardrobe. In my opinion it all looked a bit amateurish and seemed more like a waste of time and money from a director that we are really just waiting for the next bare breasted whipping scene. None the less it is obvious that the director was given a decent amount of money to make the film and he really tried to take it in somewhat of a respectful direction. This of course being a bit annoying to us true demento's who are looking for the more familiar Franco form of art.

On a more positive note some of the more memorable moments are a Christopher Lee rape scene, hands are lobbed off with an axe in a scene that reminded me of Guru The Mad Monk which would also be released in 1970 and hold some what of a similar plot. Hot tar is poured on the back of a naked women in true Bloody Pit Of Horror fashion. Accused witches are of course burned alive, there are stabbings, hangings and a man has his body chopped up with an axe. Of course we get some naked females and as an added bonus we have a creepy executioner running around in a spandex outfit. As I mentioned before due to the run time these scenes are bit to spaced out and I feel it really harmed the film.

The Bloody Judge is still worth a watch for all Franco fans or for anyone who wants to see Christopher Lee act his hart out in a more trashy role but still I would recommend Mark Of The Devil for a better and more grotesque time with evil fascists and witches.