Blood Diner (1987)

Movie-wise there wasn't very much that was good about the 80's. Of course Splatter films and Slashers being the main exception to the rule. Luckily for us Blood Diner is an all out 80's splatter flick.

Its obvious where the director got his inspiration from. With Blood Diner's alternate title being Blood Feast 2 and of course coming out more then a decade before Herschell Gordon Lewis did his own sequel to his classic cult flick. Its not easy for me to admit it either but Blood Diner really does make the better sequel.

The movie is dumb as can be but that is almost expected, after all this is the 80's but there is enough decapitation, dismemberment, cannibalism and nudity to keep a demented gore-hound happy.

Aside from the gore and obvious H.G. Lewis inspiration, Blood Diner also pays homage to the great Doris Wishman with footage spliced in from Another Day Another Man. At least these guys give respect where it is due and that is of course from the forefathers and foremothers of classic exploitation.

This time around we are not having a cannibals feast in the name if Ishtar. This time the Egyptian goddess is Shitaar and she is actually resurrected for a bit of blood letting and gory mayhem. While I of course will take the classic Blood Feast any day over this silly 80's knock off, Blood Diner is good clean fun. Okay maybe it isn't very clean. Its actually quite filthy and its not only filthy due to the senseless sex and violence. The movie is dubbed with some very childish dialogue. Filled with profanity and all that good stuff.

Some of the other treats that Blood Diner has to offer are Nazi wrestlers, Nazi rockers, rockabilly zombies, eyeballs are knocked from their heads, brains talk, stomachs open up and bite the heads from victims. Hooks are shoved through legs, women are split in half from achy-breaky skull to vagina, others have their heads sent flying off with broom as a weapon of choice. We are also treated to a brilliant scene of naked aerobics (complete with gory machine gun massacre). If the 80's is your thing be sure to give Blood Diner a go. Other then that this one is really only for the gore fanatics who are willing to sacrifice a bit of substance if it is made up for with shit-loads of the red stuff.

Joe (1970)

What we have here is my favorite hippie-killer flick from the 70's, right next to The Peace Killers which would come out one year after Joe and offer a savage biker gang that crucifies pacifist hippies. While both films are gritty, The Peace Killers is a total exploitation flick and Joe is a serious piece of cinema from the 70's, complete with social message and a great depiction of two different generations from the time.

Joe played by Peter the-wizard Boyle (Taxi Driver) is your average working class stiff. Or should I say your average Joe? He is filled with hate a resentment for the younger generation which he feels is "shitting on everything he loves and believes in". He looks back fondly to when he served in the war and wishes he could start a new war against the homosexuals, blacks, and especially the hippie-youth of America.

Joe teams up with a high society yuppie who killed a drug-pushing hippie who got his daughter hooked on drugs. Things go from bad to worse with each hour that the two men spend together.

Joe offers up some nudity from Susan (Rocky Horror Picture Show) Sarandon in her first role ever. Sarandon plays the victim in a story that really doesn't offer up any hero's. She is part of the so called love generation which really isn't portrayed in a much better light then the older generation.

The old-timers carry on their ideals of democracy blended with racism, sexism, bigotry and class war while the young hip generation seems to be nothing more then a bunch of back-stabbing, junkie degenerates who lack in loyalty, respect and trust.

Joe really must have been an interesting theatrical experience back in 1970. It is some what of a dangerous film and I can almost picture the young and old leaving the theater together and having learned nothing. Since Joe has no clear message on who is right and who is wrong I think it is safe to say that the average viewer walked out the same person they were before the walked in but the film may have worked as fuel for their own personal political hatred.

I personally feel the film leans more to the left since it shows the hippies as victims of violence and murder but as I mentioned before these kids are no angels.

Joe is a perfect example of what will follow in the movies in the 70's. A dark look at humanity with a very downbeat ending. You don't walk out from this film feeling very good. Yet at the same time there is a lot of very funny moments in the film which we can thank Joe for. Peter Boyle's character is perhaps the most politically incorrect person in any film ever. He is so fucking racist that you have to laugh. "42 percent of all Liberals are queer! ... And that's a fact!"

So if you want some good ole gay-bashing and racial slurs thrown in with your hippie killing be sure to check this one out. The director would go on to do some big films in the 80's like the Karate Kid and Rocky but fuck all that. He would also go on to do a crazy little sex comedy called Cry Uncle which is probably the only other movie worth watching from this director.

Roamin Holiday (1937)

Roamin Holiday is getting close to the end of  the Our Gang shorts. The gang which is not my particular favorite line up consists of Spanky, Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Darla & Porky. In this one reel short the gang decides to run away from home where they can live free of parental law. No more babysitting and for Alfalfa & Spanky especially no more dance lessons.

When the boys hit the road to freedom the come across a bakery where they see an old couple feeding cookies to a dog. They use Pete The Pup for some free cake, cookies, creampuffs and apple pie. Little did they know that the man behind the counter is also the towns constable. He chases after the boy with his trusty shot gun and before the gang can say Oh-Tay they have got stripes thicker then Johnny Cash and they are forced to break rocks behind the mans bakery. The gang makes a run for it and its a lesson learned until the  next escapade. 

While this may not be my favorite years for the rascals I do like the fact that they were so quick and short. By this time The Our Gang shorts were clocking in at about 10 minutes apposed to the early half hour and 20 min. flicks.

The Baby (1973)

Yes the 70's was a crazy time for film making. The most outrageous, original and outright bizarre cinema came from the 70's and The Baby is no exception to the rule. A film like The Baby couldn't have come from any other decade but the sick, sick 70's and it is a must see for exploitation and cult fanatics of the era.

The Baby is about a boy named... well... Baby. The only problem is that Baby isn't actually a baby. He is a grown man who sleeps in a crib, wears diapers, drools and cries but this isn't some stupid asshole from the 2000's with some weird fucking mommy fetish. In fact The Baby falls into the 70's genre of sick and twisted families. There seems to be a lot of those from the glorious decade.

Baby lives with his insane mother and his two very hot sisters who seem to get their rocks off with a bit of incest from time to time with baby brother. However things are going to get even weirder when a new social worker starts coming around and takes a special interest in Baby.

The social worker starts to catch wind that there might be some sort of abuse going on in the house and threatens to take Baby from the house that he was born in. It is hard to tell who the bad guy is in this movie because everybody seems to be kind of fucked up and although this is also very common for the 70's The Baby comes complete with a twist ending that really can't be seen coming.

The Baby is disturbing in general just in its subject matter but we are also treated to some scenes of perversion and violence. In one of the craziest moments a babysitter is caught with "Her tit in Baby's mouth". This doesn't go over so well with Baby's mother and sisters and we have some excessive violence complete with blunt objects to achy-breaky skulls and gratuitous bitch-slapping. We also get some axe wielding, hatchet-fu and some kitchen knife violence and it all makes for a pretty wacky watch.

In my humble opinion the only thing that could have made The Baby better would have been a touch more of the red stuff and some very gratuitous nudity. Fans of this movie should also check out Bab Boy Bubby which is similiar in context or Death Game (1977) which holds a very similar feel in pace and suspense.

Seytan (1974)

Also known as The Turkish Exorcist and that's exactly what it is. Seytan is basically shot for shot, line for line The Exorcist with much more ridiculous and cheesy special effects of course but that goes without saying.

While your average every day moron would probably condemn Seytan for its obvious flaws in production value and blatant plagiarism it is those very things that make me jump on the Seytan cult following band waggon.

Everything right down to the classic musical score is lifted from the 73 classic and it is a goddamn hoot watching these Turks do their best to play it serious. Seytan is never once meant to be comedic but if you don't laugh while watching this one you have some serious problems. I am sure there are a few bootleg copies circulating with more coherent subtitles but mine is all miss spelled and completely grammatically incorrect which did nothing more but make Seytan even more enjoyable.

Obviously Seytan : The Turkish Exorcist is more of a fun watch for true fans of the original Linda Blair flick. Its virtually impossible to watch the Turkish remake without visualizing the scenes from the more familiar movie.

Some of my personal favorite moments were the scenes where little Regan or in this case Gul is having the series of medical tests done on her. The needle is injected into the neck and the oh so memorable blood sprays out onto the white sheets. Then she gets a spinal tap but next we are treated to the shock treatment scene which is a laugh riot and has to be seen to be believed. One thing that I found very interesting due to religious differences and geographic's is the fact that the Turks took the crucifix out of the movie. However they couldn't loose the gory and shocking virgin-masturbation scene so the supplemented the crucifix for a book mark...? Yep they chose a book mark with a demons face on it which our you possessed victim would shove into her virgin vagina. Unfortunately the infamous "Let Jesus fuck you" was removed as well.

However we still get plenty of silly bed-thumping and I guess the Turks didn't understand the beauty of green pea soup cause they used some kind of green putty like substance. Check it out for a good time with Turkish devils and exorcism. Who says that remakes suck?

Matri-Phony (1942)

Get ready for a bit of sexism with The Three Stooges in Matri-Phony. Set in ancient Rome Moe, Larry and Curly find themselves in a bit of trouble when they are arrested for being "Girl hoarders".

Emperor Octopus demands the fairest red-head in all of Rome and the Stooges were caught hiding her. Luckily for Moe and Larry emperor Octopus needs eye glasses. They break the glasses and disguise themselves as Roman guards. Notice I left Curly out when I said Emperor Octopus needs glasses. Poor Curly pretends to be the half blind emperor's new bride and in the funniest moment Moe tells Curly "To get sexy" for the emperor Octopus. Curly is chased around the bedroom by the horny emperor and we are treated to some sweet talking romance and naughty pinching. Curly definitely steals the show and gets all the best gags. In one of my favorite scenes Curly deviously plucks the leg hairs from a guard. Ouch! Check it out and see The Stooges poison an old drunkard, get speared in the ass, go to war with a crab and run amok in ancient Rome.

By The Sun Rays (1914)

In this 1914 one reel short film a rape is staged by Lon Chaney. Of course it is extremely tame by today's standards but I'm sure it was quite offensive in the early 1900's when Chaney jumps across a table and attacks the pretty blond girl who was sworn to another man.

This film only runs at 11 minutes and there isn't much to talk about with the exception of the attempted rape scene. It is set in the old west and we do have some gun-slingers but the only real reason to check this one out is to see Chaney in one of his earliest roles.

The Penalty (1920)

Now this is a fucked up movie. Its almost impossible to believe they could make such a cruel movie in 1920. The Penalty is a crime film filled with gangsters, murder, violence towards women, junkies, drunks and even full frontal female nudity.

This silent film is amongst the first of Lon Chaney's full length features and he does an amazing job as always as Blizzard, a ruthless gangster who had his legs chopped off without reason as a child. He grew to hate mankind and the city of San Francisco where he made a name for himself in the underworld as a crime lord.

Blizzard is plotting out a violent revolution where his followers will loot the city and leave large portions of it on fire. He dreams of his revolution in great detail and we witness the police and other people of the city dying.

His plans shift gears when he learns that the daughter of the doctor who took his legs is looking for a model for her next art project. Now Blizzard lives only for revenge and to crush the soul and lives of those who destroyed his.

The story couldn't get much darker and for this reason I completely loved the movie. Blizzard believes that he resembles Satan and that he will leave a vicious mark on the society that did him wrong.

In one of the most memorable scenes a junkie brutally stabs a woman to death in the middle of the busy city streets. We are also treated to a few shoot-em-up scenes and some violent cripple-fu. For this role Lon Chaney tied his legs behind his back and hobbles around on his knees. This was extremely painful for the actor but it doesn't show. Chaney is a master of his craft and you really believe that he is an amputee.

The only disappointment in the film is the last couple of minutes. It suddenly changes in its moral fiber and leaves off on somewhat of a nice note. Other then that The Penalty is a must see for anybody who likes Chaney, silent film or just cold blooded extreme cinema.

Lisa And The Devil (1974)

Judging by the year and the title I think its safe to say that Lisa And The Devil was trying to cash in on the success of The Exorcist but unlike the countless Euro-Trash ripoffs like The Eerie Midnight Horror Show or Paul Nashy's Exorcismo, Lisa And The Devil isn't an Exorcist rip at all.

Nope! Instead Mario Bava does what he does best and directs another atmospheric Giallo.

Lisa is played by Elke Sommer who I remember best from another Mario Bava collaboration Baron Blood. She is stranded in a spooky old castle where a young man, his blind mother and Telly Savalas reside. Lisa believes Telly Savalas's character to be the devil and this is neither proven nor disproved but there is much worse things to worry about at hand. For one a killer is roaming about the castle killing people in very violent ways. We have stabbings, achy-breaky skulls are caved in with blunt objects (complete with red splatter that splashes all over Bava's camera lense), women are impaled on poles and in one of the most gratuitous moments of violence a man is repeatedly run over by a car. His mangled body is crushed worse and worse with each passing of the vehicle.

Aside from the bloodletting and random acts of brutality Elke Sommer bares a bit of tit for us in a much appreciated scene. We also have a bit of necrophilia going on and while all these horrible things are filling the screen Mario Bava yet again manages to pull off some incredible shots. The sets and locations are filled to the brim with decor and Bava makes use of every square inch. The lighting and shadows seem natural and add a whole new level of life to the film. In some of the most memorable scenes Bava shoots reflections through broken glass and a puddle of red wine. In another he films Savalas through a lake. We even get a typical American 70's horror movie type ending.

This one is bound to bore the average gore hound who is not used to this Italian brand of film making. Check it out if you have an open mind and can appreciate a bit of beauty with your horror.

Detention (2003)

Take everything that is awesome about Class Of 1984 and throw it out the fucking window. Add in a bunch of shitty shoot-em-up action scenes and you will end up with something like Detention. This lame-ass hack of a movie is a modern day example of actionsploitation and it just doesn't fucking work. Dolph Lundgren (Rocky Part 4, The Expendables) who I never cared for in the first place plays an ex war hero turned school teacher. He decided to resign from teaching and on his last day he is on Detention duty. The school is taken over by terrorists who are using the highschool as the middle grounds for a huge drug heist. Of course our blond muscle-head gets the chance to do a bunch of action stunts and kill the bad guys, the girls all love him and he even manages to throw in a few shitty typical action movie one-liners.

The director Sidney J. Furie gave us the far superior rapist-ghost flick The Entity in 1982 and was also responsible for Doctor Bloods Coffin and a movie called The Snake Woman (1961) which looks half interesting. Its a shame that this director ventures into the murky waters of shitty action movies.

For a much better time with punks running rampant in a high school check out Class Of 1984 or Over The Edge. This thing should be shoved back up the ass that it exploded from. I had a better time sitting in detention when I was in highschool.

Female Vampire (1973)

Jesus Franco was one of the busiest men in trash cinema. In 1973 alone he did 11 films. Female Vampire is probably the most popular of that 11.

With Franco films like Female Vampire you shouldn't expect much as far as dialogue and plot goes. Instead you will be treated to shit-loads of full frontal nudity. Sporadic monologue that sounds more like poetry, lots of close ups on nature and a surreal, dream like pace.

The film opens up with Lina Romay walking through the fog with nothing but her cape, belt and boots on. As she gets closer to us the camera focus's in on her finer points. Breasts, butts and bush there is plenty of. That's a promise. After all one of the many alternate titles for Female Vampire was The Bare Breasted Countess.

This Female Vampire "Sucks the life, blood and semen" from her victims. So we have plenty of scenes of oral shenanigans. She also indulges in lesbian acts as well and in one of the sleaziest scenes Lina Romay in munching away at a victims box. When Lina lifts her head from the dead girls genitals goo drips from our Female Vampire's mouth.

Then we have a bunch of scenes of Lina spreading her legs for the camera. Its nice to have an actress who isn't vagina-shy. We are treated to scenes of Lina humping the bed, hard wooden objects and even humping the bloody bath water. As I mentioned before there isn't much talking in this one. Our lead vampire is actually a mute. So she makes up for the lack of communications with straight up genital-fu.

The Female Vampire starts to shift gears with the introduction of Jack (Pieces, Succubus) Taylor's character. Jack Taylor falls in love with the thousand year old vampire and from here on it plays like an nihilistic love story.

Jack Taylor's character is suicidal and doesn't want to go on living. He begs Lina Romay to take him with her to the dark side "Beyond the mist". It all finishes with a sensitive yet downbeat climax.

Female Vampire is typical Jess Franco in the sense that there is nothing typical about it. Most would despise the film but fans of artsy-fartsy Euro-trash type stuff might just enjoy it.

Roadracers (1994)

Roadracers also known as Bad Boys Never Die and Rebel Highway is the second feature film from Robert Rodriguez who is now known for his modern examples of big budgeted exploitation style cinema such as Machete and Planet Terror. The weirdest thing about Roadracers is that it is a made for television movie.

Its not often that a television movie is worth a shit and in the 90's it was unheard of but Robert Rodriguez delivers the goods with this throwback to 50's road-rebel movies. The directors love for rockabilly really shows in this greasy look at natural born American rebels.

The soundtrack sports shit-tons of Link Wray And The Wraymen, Gene Vincent And The Blue Caps, Hasil Adkins, and a bunch more. The highlight of the soundtrack for me is that they threw Ralph Nielsen's Scream! into the mix for a bad-ass driving scene. That song always puts the image of reckless kids in my head and in this movie it makes for one hell of a nihilistic scene.

Nihilism is the basic message here. The dark story follows a young rock & roller who is into cars, guitars and his girlfriend played by the always sexy Salma Hayek. Our anti-hero's father was run out of town years ago by a crooked cop and now the police have it out for the younger generation. Our greasy main character needs to make a decision whether or not to pursue his life dream of being in a dangerous rock & roll band or following in his dads footsteps down a violent road of rebellion. I won't spell out for you which path he takes but lets just say it is the more cinematic one. Roadracers comes complete with teenage knife fights, great rock & roll, fast cars, violent shoot outs, self induced pain (complete with switchblade through the foot), rumbles in the roller rink and a sexy Spanish lead actress in tight sweaters.

For me Robert Rodriguez is hit or miss. His style is somewhat unique but I can also find it a bit annoying at times. I prefer the directors throwback movies to a better time in cinema, like this!

The Stranger (1946)

Not to be mistaken for that shitty movie with Liv Tyler The Strangers or for that matter the countless other titles of the same name. Nope this is Orson (Citizen Kane) Welles Film Noir all the way through.

Orson Welles plays professor Charles Rankin a man with an abnormal obsession with clocks. His beautiful wife played by Loretta Young is brought in by Mr. Willson, an investigator for War Crimes. Mr. Willson believes Charles Rankin to be a Nazi who goes by the name of Kindler who was responsible for mass genocide and horrible atrocities in Nazi Germany. If Charles Rankin is in fact Kindler many lives will be endangered to keep his identity secret.

Orson Welles does an excellent job in direction and in acting as usual. As the character of Charles Rankin who is clearly genius and insane at the same time gives off emotion of paranoia and hatred at the same time. The cinematography is excellent as always. Camera angels, shadows and even the pace all play a big part in The Stranger.

While The Stranger may not be the masterpiece that Citizen Kane was or show off the genius eye of Orson Welles to his fullest as could been seen in movies like Touch Of Evil it is still a fun watch for anybody who enjoys film as art.

While The Stranger is a very talky movie it all comes together with a heart pounding climax. That will keep you at the edge of your seat. We have some 1940's style shoot outs, a man falls from a church tower and we have a very memorable stabbing that has to be seen. Its almost hard to believe that somebody had the balls to shoot this death scene in the 40's. Especially from somebody with a huge name like Orson Welles.

The Stranger can only really be recommended to Film Noir buffs and fans of Welles. Alfred Hitchcock fans are also sure to enjoy this movie. So check it out if you are in the mood for something with a bit of class.

Falling Down (1993)

Falling Down although a Hollywood flick from the 90's that is still watchable for fans of exploitation films or at least if you grew up with it. It is over the top and while a bit morbid but not overly violent it still manages to hold a certain sense of humor that will stick with the audience long after viewing. It is also one of the few movies that will play on television occasionally that I don't mind watching.

Michael Douglas plays a disgruntled business man who is about to go over the deep end. He has lost his job, lost his wife and he is ready to lash out on society. While he is clearly insane the viewer can't help but identify with his psychotic philosophy and ideals.

I have never been a fan of Michael Douglas and this is probably his only movie that I can sit through. However his performance in Falling Down is entertaining. You can't help but to enjoy watching a man in a suit and tie going on a rampage with a baseballbatt, butterfly knives, automatic guns, and a fucking rocket launcher.

Robert Duvall (Apocalypse Now) plays a police officer who is due to retire the day that the man in the white shirt and tie goes on his violent rampage against society. Duvall is always one step behind the man with the tie as he smashes up a Vietnamese deli, kicks the shit out of gang-bangers, shoots up fast food restaurant, kills Nazi-scum and initially goes after his ex wife and daughter. All of these scenes are high in entertainment and at the same time hold a certain social commentary that I think many Americans can identify with.

If you haven't seen Falling Down you probably grew up under a rock or something. It makes for a good movie to watch with drunken friends. Its chock full of memorable quotes for everyone to yell at the screen while you chug-a-lug of your favorite alcoholic beverage. "No... I'm an American, You're a sick asshole!"