I Spit On Your Grave (2010)

Is it just me or is it impossible to kill somebody in a horror movie these days without tying them up first? They should have called this movie I Spit On Your Torture Porn. It plays more like a bondage fetish movie then anything else with every victim being tied to a tree, or tied to a chair, or tied to the bathtub or just plain fucking tied. Well at least in the 70's we didn't need rope to kill someone. Do yourself a favor and go back and watch the original.

This 2010 remake wasn't quite as bad as the remake of Last House On The Left but then again that's not really saying much. This one was at least watchable with believable actors and story line that obviously shows the creator was a fan of the far superior original.

The first half of the movie plays very true to the 70's flick with the exception of an added hand held video camera. We also get an added character as a villain, so this time our heroine can "Cut, Chop, Break and Burn five men beyond recognition". If you remember correctly the brilliant exploitation tagline lied to us the first time around with only four victims. The rape scenes are lifted directly from Meir Zarchi's classic with only the order of attacks being rearranged. The rape scenes themselves are also very much dulled down. They are no where near as painful to watch as the original but we do get some of the lingering camera work that made the aftermath of the rape scenes seem so realistic in the original.

What happens next is never explained or justified but our rape victim gets away and survives in the woods with no clothes food or water for months. Next time she appears she is quite healthy with a new wardrobe.?.? She takes her revenge on the scum that brutalized her and left her for dead, started with Matthew the retard. By the way Matthew is very believable in the remake and the best scene in the whole movie is when Matthew busts a screaming nut into our rape victim. Anyway, Matthew is strangled with a noose and looses consciousness an tied to a chair. (Lets see if you can follow me now) Matthew's hand is tied to a shotgun trigger that is rammed up another mans ass who is also tied to a chair. If Matthew the tard moves... Bang! Its blown out assholes for lunch. This scene reminded me a bunch of Kiss Of Her Flesh. The scene where a man has his penis tied to the trigger of a rifle. Thanks to the help of a little strip tease our victim gets a hard on and blam! If inspiration was found in the great Findlay's Flesh Trilogy I will give credit where it is due but still these murders are way to elaborate and ridiculous for a rape/revenge movie. Why does every movie have to play like a Saw movie?

Anyway, another guy is tied up and has his teeth pulled out and is eventually castrated. In my humble opinion this also does not live up to the infamous castration scene from the real movie. Next a man is suspended above a bathtub that is filled with lime and water. Yes he looses face. In the most brutal and satisfying of all the revenge scenes a man is (you guessed it) tied up. He is tied to a tree and has fishing hooks through his eyelids. Next he has dead rodents shoved into his mouth, fish guts mashed into his eyeball wounds and eventually big cgi birds come and eat his eyeballs from his bleeding sockets. This scene was pretty cool despite the directors sick bondage fetish.

What it all comes down to is that I Spit On Your Grave is another pointless remake from the 2000's. Skip it and hold your self respect with the original.

Iggy Pop Lust For Life (1986)

This 80's documentary starts off a bit on the embracing side with a watered down 1980's version of Iggy Pop performing Lust For Life. Luckily for us the movie goes back to the early Stooges years and shows young and reckless Iggy as the madman he is.

We have some great archival interviews. Including the infamous Iggy punk rock ideology on television. We also get some cool interviews with an old and fat Ron Ashton who seems to hold a lot of resentment against Iggy and the rest of the Stooges for their excessive drug use. He feels that it was the drugs that destroyed the band and believes that they would still be going strong and enjoying the success that Iggy has had in the 80's. Only he feels that they would still be raw and powerful. Ashton brings us to some old locations of early Stooges shows and explains incidents and mayhem in detail. Before the end credits roll we have to deal with a few more modern shitty Iggy songs but the dvd is worth owning for true Stooges fans.

The Mole People (1956)

Here's another silly 50's monster movie staring John Agar. One year prior he would fight Tarantula and the gill-man in Revenge Of The Creature. This time around he will go to war against an ancient civilization who worship Ishtar, the same god from Blood Feast. He will also have to fight the creatures that dwell beneath the earth known as The Mole People.

This thing opens up with some old geyser talking about the world we live in and the philosophers of the past who tried to understand how it all worked. The opening seems like a lecture and if I didn't know any better I would have guessed that this bald geek was somebodies teacher. Well apparently he was just an actor who did a few things here and there for television shows. The Mole People is really the only thing he has ever done worth while and while many might find the opening to be an annoying waste of time, I sort of enjoy it for that added touch of weirdness that makes these movies oh so much better.

Moving along from the old fart and the strange opening. John Agar plays an archaeologist who discovers an underground city from five thousand years ago while on an expedition on a mountaintop in Mesopotamia.

The only problem is that the city is not abandoned. It is inhabited by a blood thirsty civilization that worships Ishtar. Like Fuad Ramses from Blood Feast there are human sacrifices offered to Ishtar. Unfortunately we don't get an Egyptian feast in this one but what we do get is a bunch of hunchback Mole People with giant, razor-sharp finger nails.

The Mole People are being starved and held captive by the people of Ishtar. They are beaten and whipped and forced to burrow and find food for the people. Apparently this city lives strictly off of mushrooms. They have never seen day light and the fact that they live underground leaves them with a very limited diet.

The plot is silly as usual but the movie does offer up sharp claws to a scientist chest, a man who falls deep into a cave and is crushed and killed by falling rocks, poisonous mushrooms, a women who is burned alive from sun raise, gratuitous whipping and a moralistic ending that comes complete with a Mole People revolution. I'm being serious! John Agar helps these monsters gain their independents. Guess he was tired of blowing them up all the time.

Malice In The Palace (1949)

Malice In The Palace is one of the most popular of all Three Stooges shorts. This is mainly due to how long it has been available in public domain dollar disk sets but personally it is one of my least favorite shorts from the trio.

Moe, Larry and Shemp run a restaurant and their next guest are a couple of thieves who are plotting out a jewelery heist and murder. The Stooges catch wind of the idea and disguise themselves as Santa Clause's and steal the Jewel from a giant black man armed with a big sword.

Malice In The Palace has some funny bits in it. Especially when they turn a guard in the palace into a human water statue. They fill the guards bloated belly with water and when they punch him in the gut water spews continuously from his mouth like a pissing cupid statue. Then we have a very memorable moment in the restaurant where Larry chases cats and dogs around with a big meat cleaver. Shemp is almost wasted space in this one. We don't get any of his famous Shemp, wobbly-knee foot-work. For me Larry really steals the show this time around.

Soul Vengeance (1975)

Here's a weird one from Jamaa Fanaka (Penitentiary). This twisted blaxploitation flick tells of a black man named Charles or "Brother Charles" who is apprehended by the white police and of course brutalized. They nearly beat him to death upon his capture and go as far as to castrate him.

Well at least they try to castrate him.?.? Once Brother Charles time is served he hits the streets and learns that his old bitches are being pimped by the new players in town. Brother Charles claims he is going to live a straight life without drugs and hookers but in reality he is planning his revenge on the scum that nearly took his manhood.

There is no doubt that Soul Vengeance also known as Welcome Home Brother Charles is a movie from mars but no matter how bizarre it is, the truth is its a pretty boring movie. This is amongst the earliest of Fanaka films and the ineptitude and the total lack of money really shows through and not necessarily in a very good way either.

Right off the bat the main character is supposed to be a ladies man but he is no Fred Williamson. I think Brother Charles has to be just about the ugliest man in blaxploitation history. The Hamburger Pimp in Dolemite is more likely to get some pussy then this dude. Then again whats in appearance?

Okay so this cat gets all the bitches and luckily for us that means we get some nudity. Not so lucky for us some of these girls look like Brother Charles with less facial hair. Yuck! We get some titty swinging at the local "Bottomless Bar" which isn't bottomless at all. We get some sweet, jive 70's jargon and some real smooth cats in some super-bad clothes. We have some of the worst white people in blaxploitation history and a ending that will shock your cock off.

Its never explained in great detail or even very clearly but apparently when the pigs tried to cut off Charles penis, they left it hanging on. For some reason while Charles was behind bars his rocket grew to abnormal size and he acts out his vengeance with his giant black wang. Brother Charles uses his giant garden hose of a cock to hypnotize the wives of the police who did him wrong. Then he strangles the cops with his penis and that's pretty much the whole movie.

If it wasn't for the final revenge scenes Soul Vengeance wouldn't be worth a dime. Add in some dead cops and strangulation by a vengeful penis and we have something worth watching. Maybe not more then once but I find it to be a nice little novelty amongst my stacks of tasteless exploitation flicks! This one reminded me of a blaxploitation version of Deadly Weapons. They would make an excellent double feature. Revenge through giant black cock and revenge through giant mellon heavy jugs. Genius!

Curse Of Her Flesh (1968)

This is the second film in Michael and Roberta Findlay's ultra trashy Flesh trilogy. In case if A Touch Of Her Flesh wasn't quite sleazy enough for you, feast your eyes on this sick! sick! sequel!

Michael Findlay is back yet again as the depraved misogynistic serial killer Richard Jennings. If you remember he correctly he lost his eye in the first film. So he is back as the eye patch killer and he is still pissed that he caught his wife cheating on him.

Women are trash and Jennings must rid the world of this filth. Naturally he runs a scummy strip club that offers up sleazy S&M shows complete with bondage and violent whippings. He also likes to roll around with naked babes on the couch in his best suit before killing them.

For those unfamiliar with the series, The Flesh Trilogy is amongst the sleaziest and meanest of all roughie sexploitation films, right up there in the ranks with the Olga movies.

Curse Of Her Flesh is a fine example of film making in bad taste. Its loaded with bare breasted 60's babes in big underwear. We also have lots of filthy dialogue. Add in some ultra violence and we have high entertainment right out of New York City's sewer. This movie should probably be avoided by feminists and politically correct drones alike. You are bound to be offended.

One of the weirdest scenes in the movie involves a women being probed with a giant vegetable. I am pretty sure it is a squash or something of the sort. The film comes complete with fine locations such as the bathroom which always manages to have the toilet bowl in frame. It really adds to the feel of the movie. We also get a movie within the movie and it involves a female genital operation. Then there is some machete violence and some insane laughter. Fans of this movie must be sure to see the third film in the series Kiss Of Her Flesh. It is the most grotesque in the whole series. Pure fucking filth!

Hard Boiled (1992)

I have never cared for typical action movies, filled with explosions and rapid gun fire. I find them to be annoying and repetitive. Sure, one could argue that horror movies, slasher films and zombie flicks are just as repetitive and cliche and they would be right but horror films never let me down. My life long obsession with horror genre films have kept me satisfied this far while action films went out of style for me at around 13 years of age. I usually can find exceptions within foreign land. For instance Spaghetti Westerns are always better then American westerns. Yakuza films are usually more violent and artistic then American mobster movies. There for I figured I couldn't go wrong with this cult favorite from John Woo.

Well I didn't find this movie to be any better then the average shitty shoot-em-up flick from the U.S.A. Sure the violence was just a bit more excessive and the stunts were a bit more exciting but what it all boils down to is Hard Boiled is just another fucking bore like Lethal Weapon or Die Hard.

Chow Yun-Fat (City On Fire) yet again plays an undercover cop who is trying to stop a major gun trade operation. We have lots of crazy gun-fu and shit loads of explosions. Oh and Yun-Fat also saves some babies from a giant baby barbecue.

Apparently John Woo originally wanted to do a story about a infant serial killer. A psychopath who poisons babies. Of course he bitched out and what we were left with was Hard Boiled. How a script about a baby killer turned into this... I'm not sure but I am also not pleased.

I hate Woo's American movies like Face/Off and so far I'm not a fan of this shit either. I will give him one last chance with The Killer and if that is half as bad as Hard Boiled I can live happily without his obnoxious brand of action. Boring!

Last Dragon (1985)

The poster art displayed above is not the original art at all. It was drawn out by a fan-boy in hopes to sell some copies of his work at a local screening of The Last Dragon. I however find it to be way cooler then the original American art or even the Spanish poster.

The Last Dragon used to play regularly on television when I was a young kid. For some reason or other my father wouldn't allow me to watch it. My old man has always been big on censorship but looking at this movie now I really have no clue to why my father wouldn't let me watch this movie. Perhaps pops was a bit of a racist... Then again he also wouldn't allow me to watch wrestling when I was a kid. I guess he really just had something against exaggerated violence in movies, even if it was a silly {PG13} 1980's flick. All I know is there really isn't anything all that realistically violent and its a pretty goofy movie all the way through. After all it was the 80's. What wasn't goofy from that time?

The Last Dragon tells of a young African American martial artist named Leroy Green who worships the great Bruce Lee. Naturally he calls himself Bruce Leroy and that's what the folks around town know him as. Bruce Leroy follows the philosophy of the real Bruce Lee and vows to never use physical violence against another human unless there is no other choice. Needless to say there is no other alternative once Leroy crosses paths with an angry street punk named Sho'nuff "The Shogun Of Harlem". Sho'nuff wants Leroy in a street fight and will stop at nothing to get what he wants. He destroys Leroy's family pizza shop and eventually kidnaps his girlfriend. Leroy has no choice but to give The Shogun Of Harlem what he wants.

There are a lot of really cool scenes in this movie. My personal favorite moment takes place in a kung-fu, movie-house which is screening Enter The Dragon. We get a bad-ass fist fight in the movie theater which I have been lucky enough to witness in real life. Unfortunately there wasn't any crazy martial arts going on when I witnessed this. Maybe that's because Dead Alive was playing rather then a kung-fu classic.

Aside from the fact that The Last Dragon has some cool moments it isn't really a great movie. The main problem is that between the kung-fu scenes we have all these shitty musical numbers. It almost plays like a musical or a bad MTV video.

This thing was directed by the guy who did Cooly High and Which Way Is Up which would explain why The Last Dragon is more of a comedy then anything you can take seriously. It does offer up some excellent midget-fu, really silly dialogue "Kiss my converse" and scenes from much better movies like The Big Boss and The Chinese Connection. Check it out if you want some cheap laughs with your kung fu but be sure to fast forward through all the shitty singing and dancing. This ain't Bollywood!

Corpse Fucking Art (198?)

What we have here is a documentary on the king of Corpse Fucking movies, Jeorge Buttgereit. It was put together at the time when Schraam was being filmed and is mainly a composit of behind the scenes footage from Nekromantik part 1 & 2 and Der Todesking.

The films of Jorg Buttgereit are not for the squeamish. They graphically depict sex and death in one of life's most grotesque fetishes. That of course being necrophilia. Corpse Fucking Art is no exception to the rule. It is vile and disgusting but at the same time very interesting.

I remember the first time I saw Nekromantik how incredibly disturbed I was by the movie. Naturally I loved it. The combination of the beautiful score and the nauseating images of sex with dead bodies reminded me of the first time I saw Cannibal Holocaust as a young teenager.

The documentary explains and shows in detail how many of the special effects were achieved for Nekromantik, its sequel and Der Todesking. The craftsmanship, patients and hard work that went into those effects are unbelievable and considering they were done d.i.y., independently and with very little money it is incredible what these young film makers were capable of.

Fans of Buttgereit will not be disappointed. Hopefully disturbed but not disappointed by this crazy documentary from Germany's favorite necrophile.

Street Mobster (1972)

Directed by the same man who would later do Battle Royale and its sequel. This 70's flick tells of a natural born loser. In fact he was born on the day that America dropped the bomb and Japan lost the war. From birth he was condemned a loser. A no good "punk" and that's what he chooses to be.

Our anti-hero is arrested and jailed when convicted for a brutal attack on rival Yakuza gang members. He traps them in a Japanese bath house and goes to town on the naked men with a sharp knife. He cuts them up real good and leaves a bloody mess for the police to find. He also had his hands in drugs, theft and a prostitution racket. In other words the streets of Tokyo are probably a whole lot safer with this man locked in prison.

Once his time is served, our main character decides to get right back into the chaotic mess of gang life. His first stop as a free man is back down to the bath-house where he sliced up his enemies. He enjoys the company of a sexy Asian babe but doesn't manage to get his rocks off before getting into a ass-naked fist fight with some fellow degenerates. Next he forms a small street gang. Together they aimlessly roam the streets and destroy local shops and pick fights with other small time gangs. The message is... Hey we are taking over this town. Stay out of our way or we will smash you up. The only problem is they bite off more then they can chew with a dangerous well established Yakuza clan. They join forces with another Yakuza gang but it is only a matter of time before our self destructive main character insults every major boss from every gang in the city. It is obvious that this man has a death wish and things will be coming to a violent end.

Luckily for us we don't have to wait till the end for violence. This movie is a non stop street fight from beginning to end. Loaded to the brim with stabbings, brutal rape scenes and broken bottle-fu. We also have some incredibly good looking women in this movie. The Street Mobster falls for a girl that he raped and sold off to a whore house in his younger years. We have our share of nudity for added kicks but there is also a compelling story of a hopeless love that runs through the film as a sort of subtext. These two nihilistic characters bond together on the thinnest line between love and hate and their performances make for some pretty emotional scenes.

Street Mobsters offers up frantic camera work that seems to be ahead of its time. Its less obnoxious then the fast cutting movies of today but the formula is similar. With this movie the camera work makes sense. It adds to the chaos of the street violence and reminds me of the race war scene in Romper Stomper that takes place in the streets. Street Mobster also offers up a scene where a mans fingers are chopped off and some nasty gun-violence.

By the time the credits role this one gets a bit repetitive but it still makes for an awesome 70's crime film from Japan.

City On Fire (1987)

Yes I admit, I am one of the many who felt it necessary to check this movie out after it became known that Quentin Tarantino riped it off when he did Reservoir Dogs. I also admit to being a fan of Tarantino and don't waste my time calling him a hack. I am aware that he rips every movie off in order to create something entertaining for us cinema fanatics. Lady Snow Blood and even The Blood Spattered Bride were not safe from Kill Bill. This still doesn't make Tarantino's movies any less entertaining for me.

 City On Fire tells the oh so familiar story of an undercover cop who meets with some burglars for a jewelry heist. Instead of Tim Roth, Chow Yun-Fat plays our sneaky piggy. He takes a bullet during the heist and dies in the final showdown. The famous "Who killed Nice Guy Eddie" scene was lifted directly from City On Fire and in my humble opinion City On Fire ends on even more of a downer note and that is because there is more going on in the Chinese film. I wouldn't go as far as to say there is more character development because Tarantino really knows how to write interesting characters with witty dialogue but City On Fire has much more back story.

Chow Yun-Fat's character is ready to be married and loses his girl due to the fact that he is always working on top secret and dangerous police cases. All he wants is out of the police force but they will not except his resignation until this final mission is completed. This makes it all the more shocking when he dies in the end of the film.

City On Fire also comes complete with dead cops, car explosions, knife to the hand, hot Asian women, really bad dancing, slimy skulls and proves that work and pleasure should never mix.

Is it better then Reservoir Dogs? I can't really say. It was definitely first. I like both movies for different reasons. I will say I think it takes a lot of talent to form a story like Reservoir Dogs from this movie. Every Tarantino fan should check this movie out for themselves and perhaps the world will stop viewing the man as a genius and take him for what he is. A man who makes over budgeted exploitation flicks with roots that date back to when he was just a school-boy movie-geek.

Clerks 2 (2006)

Its not to often that I watch a comedy. Or at least what was supposed to be a comedy but the Clerks movies are a bit different. They are fan-boy movies. Movies for argumentative assholes like myself. Not to mention that I have been mistaken for and compared to the character of Randal for rears now. I suppose we do have some similarities with the exception of his love for Star Wars.

Personally I couldn't give a shit about Jay & Silent Bob. I know people like them in real life and I fucking despise them. They remind me of all those I.C.P cunts who walk around with big baggy UFO pants and smoke a lot of weed. The character of Dante is a cry baby, pussy but when you throw Randal into the mix it makes for high entertainment filled with witty dialogue and lots of filthy language.

There are quite a few differences between Clerks 2 and the first film. For starters this time around the movie was shot in color. We also have a much obvious bigger budget and in my humble opinion the second film isn't quite as good as the first but it does make for a fun watch with new chaotic antics and plenty of silly arguments that get stuck in your warped mind leaving you ready to quote it for weeks after the first viewing.

I think they made a wise decision when they casted Rosario Dawson (Kids, Descent) for a bit of sex appeal... Something that the first film lacked. Unfortunately she doesn't offer up any bare breasted boobage but she is still nice to look at, even if she is dancing to The Jackson 5.

This one starts off with the old video-mart burning to the ground. Leaving our two beloved Clerks unemployed and forced to work at a greasy burger, fast food joint. Dawson plays their manager and she has a secret affair with Dante. The only problem is that Dante is due to be married any day. Randal makes things a little more humorous by doing Dante the favor of ordering him a live donkey show from Mexico. For those of you who grew up under a rock and don't know what a donkey show is... It's when a woman performs oral sex on a donkey. So get ready for some mouth watering donkey-dongs. We also have plenty of christian mockery going on in here so all you religious weirdos might want to stay away from this one. Besides a free donkey show is way to much of a turn on for those people. Throw in some young altar boys and this thing might be considered a porno for god fearing morons.

Clerks also offers up a touch of racism for added fun. Every racial slur you can think of is used but porch-monkey is Randal's favorite. "Porch-Monkey for life". Clerks 2 has a happy ending... Aside from the donkey show. Its a love story and a comedy (Yuck). In other words its a great movie for the demented to watch with their best girl. So check it out you p.c. bastards!

Reefer Madness (1936)

This cult classic is amongst the most important of all teen-scare, drugsploitation flick. Its also been released as Tell Your Children in 1938 and Dope Addict, Doped Youth, Love Madness and The Burning Question.

Reefer Madness shows marijuana as you have never seen it before. An evil, evil drug! and I don't mean evil in the sense of a bunch of long haired smelly hippies talking about peace and love... I'm talking about crazed gun slinging mobsters who are quick to turn the youth onto "the devils weed".

According to Reefer Madness, marijuana isn't the mellow drug that you thought it was. Belly-laughs turn to madness and anything can happen from violent beatings with a cane to murder. The most memorable scene shows a man excessively smoking grass while a woman plays the piano. "Bring me some reefers". "Play it faster! Faster! Play it faster!"

I was lucky enough to catch this thing in the theater in a strange colorized version. Not that the color made the film any better it was just something different. The main thing that I found interesting about the colorized version was that the clouds of smoke was all different crazy colors. Each person exhaled a different color smoke. We had reds, blues, yellows, purples etc.

Anybody who is into teen-scare movies or exploitation films in general is usually familiar with this one. Its by no means a great example of good film making. Its loaded with bad acting, bad editing and very strange camera perspectives. We have a horrible special effect in a court house with a swinging noose and very silly dialogue. In other words its a bad example of film making but a good example in exploitation and bad taste.

Reefer Madness comes complete with a car crash, the obvious gratuitous marijuana smoking, death by hand gun, a suicide (complete with leap through a window), excessive laughing, violent cane-fu, crazy haircuts, and lots of youngster making out in a stoned stupor.

Vagabond Loafers (1949)

This Edward Bernds remake of Del Lords 1940 Three Stooges romp A Plumbing We Will Go holds up well to the crazy escapades that Curly offered up nine years earlier. I prefer the 1940 flick a touch more but they are both very good and jam packed with goofs and laughs.

The Stooges get their hands wet as plumbers. Their company name is Day And Nite Plumbers and they got their first call to mansion where the upper class scum is holding a party. Amongst the yuppies are two criminals on a mission to steal a priceless painting.

On the Stooges arrival they are of course talked down upon. By now we all know that every Three Stooges short is a class-war disguised as a comedy. The Stooges get back at the rich bastards by destroying their home and hitting the butlers over the head with heavy pipes. They flood the kitchen, bathroom, basement and hallways. Watter pours from the television and light fixtures in buckets.

Shemp's take on the maze of pipes in the famous bathtub scene is almost as good as Curly's. Larry goes a bit nuts with a blowtorch and sets Moe's ass on fire. Larry also roams around in covered from head to toe in white powder and the guests run from him. Moe "How much do you charge to haunt a house" Larry "Depends... How many rooms".

The Stooges save the day this time and catch the bandits. Of course they get no reward and they leave the mansion flooded with water.

One of the best of all Three Stooges remakes!