Enslaved Brunette (195?)

One of Irving Klaw's early bondage stag films. This one shows three babes in a bit of a bind. It involves a submissive brunette being bound and dominated by what looks like a red-head and her blond bondage maid. Fist she is tied around the wrists and ankles and spanked. Then she is hog tied and bound into a sort of pulley system.

Apparently Enslaved Brunette offers some of the best rope work in any Irving Klaw film. Personally not being into bondage I really couldn't judge. Being into cinema on the other hand I can tell you that Enslave Brunette is a nice little oddity in the tasteless archives of stag films. If 50's babes in big undergarments is your thing be sure to give this one a go!

The Burning (1981)

Take Friday The 13th and mix in elements of Don't Go In The House and you would come out with The Burning. The Burning would come out only one year after Friday The 13th and Don't Go In The House and steals from both..

1980 is my favorite year for slasher films. So many great ones would terrorize theater goers. Movies like Maniac, The Prowler and Don't Answer The Phone are amongst my favorites from this year and movies like The Burning are here to show that the stalk and slash movies are going to stick around for a while and the simple formula in movie massacre will continue to bring people into the theater seats. The Burning is a pretty gory movie and while it may start a bit on the slow side it really takes off once we get to the infamous raft scene where our killer takes out four teenagers at once.

The killers name is Cropsy. His victims are the teenagers at a summer camp that he used to work at. His reason for killing is a form of vengeance. Cropsy's face and body is horribly disfigured to from a prank gone wrong, in which he suffered severe burns. His weapon of choice is a giant pair of garden sheers. Why use regular old scissors when you can use a huge fucking pair of scissors?

This movie is mostly remembered for the raft scene that I mentioned before. In what is probably less then a minute of runtime we have three fingers being chopped off in gory detail, A fatal throat wound, Face slashing and brutal stabbings.

The great Tom Savini did the special effects for this one and we all know the man was at the top of his game when this one came around. We also have some nasty flame thrower-fu that would give the average Don't Go In The House fan-boy a hard-on.

We do get some bare breasts and bush on display and not to mention a very young George Costanza from the Seinfeld television series in his first screen appearance. Unfortunately we don't get to see George get killed and chopped to bits. Maybe when Hollywood decides to remake this one they can kill that old prick off.

Some of the other fun that The Burning has to offer is dead hookers, maggot infested severed heads, axe to the achy-breaky skull, perverted nerds, typical 80's tough-guy bully's, and lots of gory puncture wounds.

Fans of this movie should also check out the Italian slasher Haunts. That one offers up a black gloved killer using scissors as a weapon of choice. While they might not cause quite as much damage as garden sheers its still worth a watch. "Trust me baby. You're gonna love it".

Stomp! Shout! Scream! (2005)

Okay this thing would be retitled for its dvd release in 2009 and go by the name Monster Beach Party A Go-Go. The dvd title should scream out to genre fans. Obviously a mix between the 60's beach party flicks and monster movies. A homage to movies like The Horror Of Party Beach but while The Horror Of Party Beach is an all around awesome movie with monsters, gruesome death and surf rock. Stomp! Shout! Scream! is pretty much a giant turd.

This one tells of a all girl garage-rock group who cross paths with "The Skunk Ape" also known as Bigfoot or Sasquatch. However I couldn't help but be reminded of the awful Curse OF Bigfoot because this thing doesn't look like a monster at all. It is just another guy in a gorilla suit movie (Ape) that were so popular in the 30's and 40's.

I would say the only redeeming value that Stomp! Shout! Scream! has to offer is the wardrobe and a few cool garage rock bands like The Woggles. Everything else is pretty bad, boring and unwatchable. We don't get to see any on screen murder which always knocks points off of any monster movie. We don't get any nudity which is also a shame.

We do get some scattered body parts and severed limbs with a slight touch of the red stuff. We also have our fair share of bikini clad bimbos doing their best Go-Go dance routines on the beach. We have a couple of lines that may get a chuckle out of one or two of you and a pretty funny song about syphilis. Other then that Stomp! Shout! Scream is a complete waste of time.

For a much better homage flick check out the blaxploitation throwback Black Dynamite. That one is great from beginning to end. It stays true to the genre and never lets you down. Stay away from this Skunk-Ape... It stinks!

A Wet Dream ON Elm Street (2011)

Another stupid horror-porn-parody from the 2000's. Apparently there was a porno film of the same title in 1990 but I have never seen that one and I couldn't even find much information about it. So does that mean that this is a remake of the 90's film? Who cares...

I guess I can be grateful that A Wet Dream On Elm Street (2011) wasn't quite as hard to sit through as the 1992 Freddy parody A Nightmare On Dyke Street which could possibly be the worst porn parody I have ever seen.

Like Dyke Street the new  2011 parody offers a burnt Freddy with a glove that comes complete with sex toys for fingers. In Dyke Street Freddy's fingers were anal beads of some sort that he never really inserted anywhere. This time around he has vibrators for fingers and he doesn't really put them to use here either. On the plus side Freddy's makeup is much better in this movie and we even get a bit of a back story.

Freddy was some what of a sleaze merchant. Or a smut peddler if you will. He sold over priced sex toys out of the trunk of his car to local perverts. Eventually the towns people had enough of Freddy and burned him alive. Freddy swore vengeance on the people who killed him. Now Freddy haunts the local teenagers in there dreams and leaves them in a comatose state of constant orgasm.

Yes the story is fucking dumb but what would you expect? At least they offered something of a story unlike so many other porn parodies that come out these days. This one also offers up a few laughs, mainly from our protagonist. In one of the best scenes a girl calls our gloved villain Jason and he replies "It's fucking Freddy". and speaking of Jason I have to admit I also liked this one better then Official Friday The 13th Parody.

The girls are average and none of them offer anything very unique or memorable. One of them is a bit on the chunky side with giant swinging utters. Then we have a screechy voiced brunette who spits and slobbers all over the place. We get a skinny bitch in a prison dream with microscopic breasts and I suppose the hottest scene in the movie is a solo masturbation scene with a brunette who pleases herself with Freddy's glove.

This thing was directed by Lee Roy Myers, the same clown who did The Humansexipede (First Sequence : A Porn Parody). Apparently Myers is making a career of doing all porn parody's. Maybe one day he will get one right.

I really wouldn't recommend this movie to anybody unless they have some sort of burn victim fetish and if that is the case I think you would be better off watching The Burning. However the dvd does have a really funny extra called Freddy's Sex Tips. Check that out for some awesome sex advice from a old burnt up pervert.

The Big Boss (1971)

The Big Boss also known as Fists Of Fury, not to mistaken for Fist Of Fury which is The Chinese Connection is the most infamous of all Bruce Lee Kung Fu flicks. It is also the movie that made Lee a recognized international super-star. The infamy behind The Big Boss was mainly due to the over the top violent content which is seemingly impossible to find in its pure uncut form.

The Big Boss in its full entirety runs at 115 minutes and comes complete with scenes of nudity from sexy Asian babes, nasty-stabby knife-fu, fingers jammed into stomach wounds and a glorious gory scene that shows Bruce Lee sawing into an enemies head with a... well a saw. Personally owning a 102 minute version which is obviously better then the 98 min. cut, I am still yet to see a lot of the bloodletting that The Big Boss offers. Apparently the notorious head-splitting scene is still lost to date and us gore-hounds can only hope that some day this thing is released in it fully uncut, gory form.

The Big Boss is based on the true story of a man who stood up to a bunch of bully-boy fascists and became a legend. Who better to play the role then Bruce Lee? Lee's portrayal shows a man who promised his father to lead a nonviolent life but when he leaves for the country and takes on a new job at a ice factory he has to fight for his honor and freedom against a bunch of drug lords.

The weird thing is that Bruce Lee doesn't fight till the later part of the film. He keeps true to his word and his promise to his father and remains passive until all of his cousins are brutally killed by their boss with the exception of his female cousin who Bruce has a crush on. Guess in Asia incest isn't frowned upon... Now its time for Bruce Lee to kick the shit out of the bad guys and show the world what he is made of.

The truth is that The Big Boss is nowhere near Lee's later stuff like Enter The Dragon as far as the fight scenes go but the violence far surpasses the others and is of Streetfighter status or at least close to it.

Check out The Big Boss for the sleaziest of all Bruce Lee flicks. Bask in the glory of tits & blood, bad dubbing and some bad-ass kung-fucking-fu.

Buffalo '66 (1998)

Romantic/comedy has never been one of my favorite genres but this Drama falls pretty well into that category. However it is one of the weirdest, darkest and awkward love stories to ever be released. Some of the other love stories that I can watch without vomiting on myself consist of Nekromantik, True Romance and anything with Brigitte Bardot in it (for obvious reasons).

Written, directed and staring Vincent Gallo, Buffalo '66 is emotionally awkward and is full of ups and downs. Gallo plays a social outcast named Billy Brown who is released from prison and lives only to kill the man he blames for his miserable life. Upon his release he meets and kidnaps a young and very attractive Christina Ricci. Ricci's character may not be quite as disturbed as that of Gallo's but there is an immediate connection between these two lost souls. Neither of them seem to have a place in society and perhaps it was fate that brought these two tragic people together. As the runtime rolls on it becomes obvious that Ricci's character is falling in love with a man who seems to be heartless. We slowly get more and more back story on Billy Brown and it is impossible to not laugh at the absurdity of his tragic and shitty life. "My life is shit"

Buffalo '66 is one of those movies that gets stuck up in your brain for a while after you watch it. I have never met anybody who didn't like it and most who have seen it just love to mimic Vincent Gallo and quote the crazy rantings of Billy Brown. "Shifter-cars", steak knives and photo booths somehow become hilarious conversation starters after watching Buffalo '66 for the first time.

This movie has a (well deserved) huge cult following. The artsy and the fartsy alike all have a place in their hearts for it. In one of the films weirdest moments Christina Ricci tap-dances at a bowling alley in a scene that is oddly reminiscent of Eraserhead and the "In Heaven Everything Is Fine" scene. Despite my David Lynch comparison the two films couldn't be further apart. In other words Buffalo '66 makes sense.

Buffalo '66 is the perfect date movie for any couple that feels out of touch with the rest of the world or just for anybody who wants to laugh at two misfits.

True Grit (1969)

I broke a general rule in December when I watched the Coen Brothers remake of True Grit (2010) before seeing the original John Wayne classic. Finally a remake that holds up to the original.

The two films are very close. The Coen Brothers obviously chose to stick very true to the original Grit but just strengthen certain elements and add well... more Grit.''

I think I might even like the remake a touch more then the original 1969 film. Mainly due to how {PG} the John Wayne film comes off. Sure there is a bit of nastiness to it. Dennis Hopper's fingers are cut off in the most memorable scene. We also have stabbings and shootings but the Coen Brothers made the John Wayne character of Cogburn much more bad-ass. Wayne's portrayal of the one-eyed bounty hunter is a drunken, overweight rough-neck with a comedic side. While the Coen Brothers eliminated some of that goofiness and cut back on a bit of the sappy shit.

Seeing Dennis Hopper was a treat in its self. This was filmed the same year as Easy Rider and stuff like The Last Movie and American Dreamer were right around the corner. Robert Duvall also shows up as a bad guy named Ned Pepper. Duvall and Hopper were really the high points for me.

Another big difference between the two films is the ending. In the original after the young girl is bit by the rattle snake she is reunited with Cogburn and we leave with a happy ending. In the Coen Brothers version which apparently follows the novel a bit closer the girl loses her arm and never gets to thank Cogburn for saving her life. Leave it to the Coen Brothers to leave us with a downer ending.

Probably the best John Wayne film I have ever seen. Mainly due to the fact that he isn't playing the same exact character that he always plays. The two films are to close to really choose from but I think the Coen Brothers remake has a touch more replay value but "That's a bold statement for a one-eyed fat man".

Bloody New Year (1987)

Yet another guilty pleasure of mine. If you took Evil Dead and mixed in elements of Lucio Fulci's The Gates Of Hell with a touch of Hausu and She, you would come out with something like Bloody New Year. Of course all of those other movies are better then Bloody New Year but that pretty much goes without saying.

I picked this thing up in my early teenage years on vhs with the cheesy skeleton in the party hat on the cover. The print was rather dark at times but that is hardly a complaint considering that the movie just doesn't make any sense.

Blood New Year also known as Time Warp Terror a.k.a. Horror Hotel (not to be mistaken for the Christopher Lee movie of the same name), tells of five teenagers (rather incoherently) who bump into three bad dudes at an amusement park. The teenagers play a game of hit and run and take refuge in an abandoned (haunted) hotel to avoid a serious ass kicking. Little did they know by entering the hotel they would stumble into a time warp. The hotel is decorated for a new years eve party and the hosts are a bunch of blood thirsty demons from 1959. Bloody New Year makes an awful attempt at explaining why the hotel is possessed/haunted but it is never clear and just doesn't make any sense. For those concerned it is supposed to be some sort of military experiment gone wrong when a airplane crashed into the hotel on new years eve in 1959 the crash shattered time and matter or some stupid shit like that.

However the plot is not the point here. Especially since most who stumble across this movie are expecting it to be a slasher film in the first place and are automatically disappointed to learn its a really bad Evil Dead ripoff. So roll with the punches and except this chaotic mess of a movie for what it is and bask in the glory of cheesy monsters, demons and special effects.

Bloody New Year offers up severed arms (complete with the red stuff), A shotgun blast to the guts, A fist is punched through a woman's stomach, A girl is pulled into a mirror, another is pulled into the walls of an elevator, furniture comes to life and sometimes bites, A monster come out of the screen in a theater and claw up one of our teenagers, Another victim has his achy-breaky skull split wide open with the blades from a motorboat, Another girl drowns, Fishing nets come to life and attack and in one of the most memorable and weirdest moments a table turns into a big slimy green monster?. We get stabbings and strangulation and countless other strange happenings.

Fans of 50's horror and scifi flicks will also be pleased to see that Fiend Without A Face is playing in the background in one scene. Also watch for the indoor snowstorm that is oddly reminiscent of Fulci's Gates Of Hell which is followed by a shot of a snow globe which reminded me a bit of Cemetery Man. However we can blame the director for stealing from all the other titles mentioned but Cemetery Man was of course a 90's film. Is it possible that Michele Soavi found some inspiration from Bloody New Year? I highly doubt it!
One of the biggest problems with this movie aside from the fact that it doesn't make much sense is how bad the acting is. These actors are really, really bad and about as unbelievable as can be. Bloody New Year comes from British horror/cult director Norman J. Warren, who was responsible for the gory Satans Slave which also is not very good but still holds a certain charm to it.

Only worth watching for lovers of weirdo low budget movies or as a time waster. This movie can also work to entertain a group of drunk friends as long as they aren't the cry-baby type who need a movie that makes sense. Pssssssh.

Three On A Meathook (1973)

I have never seen a William Girdler film that I didn't like. I am more then half way through his filmography having seen 5 out of his 9 films. Being a fan of Girdler schlock-ers such as Asylum Of Satan, Abby, Sheba Baby and even The Day Of The Animals but I would have to say that this movie is the worst of the lot.

Sometimes I think I'm the only person who realizes these things but if you watch Three On A Meathook and Night Of Bloody Horror back to back, you would have to be blind to not see the countless similarities. The truth is that Three On A Meathook is basically a remake of the 1969 film or at least a big fucking ripoff. The weirdest thing is that Night Of Bloody Horror isn't even a good movie. Why the hell would anybody want to steal the basic outline from that movie? I suppose if the great Mr. Girdler were still alive perhaps some day I would find the answer. Aside from the seemingly endless similarities between the two films Three On A Meathook has a much better title. However the film obviously doesn't hold up to such an exploitative title. We don't even get 3 on "A" meathook. Instead we get three girls on three separate meathooks. Well, thats why we call them exploitation movies.

Despite the blatant lie within the title, Three On A Meathook does deliver the goods. The movie starts off strong with a hot naked blond and a massacre that comes complete with a gory stabbing in a bathtub, two girls blown away by a shotgun and a decapitation by hatchet that has to be seen to be believed.

From here on we step into some very lame, boring and dramatic territory and when I say drama, I don't mean in a Taxi Driver sort of way. I mean, in a bad soap opera kind of way. We get this sappy love story thrown into the mix and the movie lingers on this subplot for far to long, leaving us gore-hounds wondering when the next murder will take place. Eventually the bodies start falling and we learn that the villains are cannibals. We are supposed to get a twist ending but it is seen coming from the start of the film.

Once the murder and mayhem picks back up we get a death by pick axe and a death by meatcleaver. We also get some severed limbs and some more really bad writing. Speaking of bad writing, look for the scene where two girls are bonding over true love. It is almost painful to watch!

A movie that is worth owning for all bad movie lovers. Fans of this movie should be sure to check out Night Of Bloody Horror... That ones even shot in Violent Vision! Who can pass that up?

The Thing From Another World (1951)

Many have called The Thing (2011) a prequel but that doesn't make any sense. It only works as a prequel to John Carpenter's 1982 remake of this film. The 2011 version completely disregards the original 1951 movie, so how can it be called a prequel?

Personally I believe that The Thing (1982) is the greatest remake of all time. The special effects hold up today and Carpenter's take on this 50's monster flick was so unique

The original is of course an awesome movie too. It also had some daring special effects for the time. In one of the most memorable scenes our monster is engulfed in flames as he runs through a burning room. The fire spreads fast as hell and it took some bravery on the parts of the stuntmen to be involved in this scene at all. In another cool scene we have our monster with electrical current flowing through his head and hands. This effect would be used a lot in the 80's with bright blue computer graphics but its really cool to see this early 50's attempt.

The story follows a group of men on a Air force mission to scope out what they think is a U.F.O. crash landing in the middle of the North Pole. When they arrive at the site the flying saucer is buried deep beneath the ice. Being the bunch of genius's that they are they decide to blow the ice away with a giant bomb. The explosion blows the U.F.O. up with the ice but the soldiers and scientist are happy to learn that a man was thrown from the saucer during the explosion and is frozen in a solid block of ice. When the men take the ice-man back to their bunker to thaw out, they are in for a big surprise.

Little did they know that this alien lives off of human blood and views the human race as food supply. The monster looks like man but he is in fact a vegetable? The scientists learn that he is a sort of highly intelligent plant and plans on making earth a new habitat for the blood drinking plant-men. It is such a silly idea but somehow it worked for the movie. Somehow the audience believes, Yeah he is a giant plant-man from outer space... Sure!

The Thing From Another World offers up a mad scientist who wants to protect the monster, A brunette in a tight sweater as the sex appeal, a Frankenstein looking monster with a bigger head, three dead dogs, plenty of fire-fu, a severed arm (complete with reanimation), two off screen murders (complete with soldiers hanging upside down with their throats cut, completely drained of blood), death by electrocution, breathing plants and an icy-cold atmosphere that will make you reach for the nearest blanket of flamethrower.

Check it out for a good time with killer plant-men and lots of 50's witty dialogue. Stay away from the 2011 remake or prequel or what ever the fuck you want to call it. I call it a waste of time.

Toxic Avenger Part 4 : Citizen Toxie (2000)

This is the 4th and final movie to date in the Toxic Avenger series and its nice that it didn't follow in the footsteps of Toxic Avenger Part 3 : The Last Temptation Of Toxie because that one is just fucking awful.

This time around Tromaville's favorite hideously deformed creature of super-human size and strength has to fight his evil doppelganger, The Noxious Offender. We of course get the final fight-to-the-death scene but everything in between is just fast paced fun and mayhem. Every frame is loaded with extras in true Troma style and blood & guts and the tits & ass really help this movie just fly by.

In one of the most memorable moments we have a school massacre but the students are all mentally retarded and the killers call themselves the Diaper Mafia. Obviously a joke on those Trench-coat Mafia morons who did the world a favor and shot up all the jocks at school. Retards are blown away with automatic weapons until the Toxic Avenger comes and rips the diaper-punks to shreds. Trent Haaga (Terror Firmer, Dead And Rotting) is disemboweled and has his messy guts pulled from his body. Another punk has a shit filled diaper smashed in his face and then has his head stomped by Toxie (complete with flying brains and shit).

We also get another gross shit moment in a scene where an old woman has her head run over by a car. Gore leaks from her crushed head as piss and shit fly from under her dress. Yuck!

Citizen Toxie also offers up a Street Fighter homage where a mans head is shattered through x-ray-vision, hot lesbian sex, plenty of bare breasted bimbos, Tromeo And Juliet's penis monster returns for some rape action, the original Melvin the mop-boy comes back, syringes to the face, arm dismemberment, leg dismemberment, mop poles are shoved through heads, tongues are ripped out in true Blood Feast fashion, a black man is tied to the back of a truck and dragged through the street in true Coffy fashion, Dolphin Man gets killed, Mad Cowboy gets killed, lots of Nazi's get killed and we have an awesome fight scene between two fetus's that takes place from within a pregnant woman's womb.

Hank The Drunken Dwarf plays God and has this to say "Tell the pope to stop talking about me. He's an asshole! He doesn't know me and his hat looks fucking stupid". Sargent Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. shows up as a drunken rapist who impregnates Toxies wife and we just get plenty of other ridiculous situations that you would only find in a Troma movie. Perhaps my favorite touch in this movie is a character named Tedo who plays the Retarded Rebel. The Retarded Rebel shoots heroin, smokes crack, drinks whiskey and calls everyone around him a pussy. I would like to see the Retarded Rebel in his own movie.

Blood Sucking Freaks (1976)

So now its called torture porn? Modern horror movies like Hostel and Saw is really nothing new. In fact they are nothing more then watered down commercialized versions of the far more grotesque and offensive films of the past. Movies like Mark Of The Devil and Blood Sucking Freaks also known as The Incredible Torture show are amongst the strongest and most repulsive of the lot, yet they bare a charm that keeps us demento's coming back again and again.

Some call it trash (which it is) and others call it art (which it is) but I just call it high entertainment in cinema of the bizarre. If you took Herschell Gordon Lewis Wizard Of Gore and threw in tons of nudity and strong elements of S&M you would come up with something like Blood Sucking Freaks.

Sardu runs an "Off-off Broadway" theater in the slums of New York City called The Theater Of The Macabre. A typical evening at the theater offers up real life murder on stage. Women have their hands sawed off, eyeballs plucked out, heads squished in old-time torture devices and the audience has the privilege of believing it is all an act. Little do they know it is very real and what goes on behind the curtain is even more depraved then the horrible tortures that the show offers.

The theater is a front for Sardu's white slavery ring. The women who fall victim as the stars of Sardu's shows are just the ones that Sardu has no longer a purpose for. The rest are just pawns in Sardu's S&M fantasy. He tortures them into making all of his fantasies become real.

Sardu's partner in crime is an African American midget with a big Afro whom goes by the name of Ralphus. Ralphus is even more demented then his master Sardu. Ralphus enjoys cooking human eyeballs for lunch, recieving oral sex from freshly severed heads and chopping the feet off of young dancers but together Sardu and Ralphus make for a pretty evil team. They use naked women as human dart boards, chop off fingers, arms and legs for amuesment and use women as furniture.

In one of the most memorable scenes a woman has all of her teeth pulled out and then has a power drill driven into her skull. Then a straw in inserted into her head and her brains are sucked out. Pretty classy stuff!
We also have a group of naked female cannibals, castration, multiple decapitations, homosexual and heterosexual necrophilia, a sledge hammer to the back of the skull, women are stretched on the rack etc. etc.
We also get plenty of sick and twisted memorable quotes "Put her to work in the bathroom. Her mouth will make an excellent urinal".

Most of Blood Sucking Freaks cast consisted of actors from the pornographic world. Ralphus himself was played by the great Luis De Jesus who got his start on the blue screen with The Anal Dwarf. He would also go on to do Let My Puppets Come, Ultra Flesh and then he would play a Ewok in Return Of The Jedi. However he is most remembered for Blood Sucking Freaks and anybody who has ever seen the movie remembers Ralphus.

Fans of movies like Hostel and Saw probably won't like this movie due to the filth and rawness that flows through it but if you have any self respect you owe it to yourself to see where guys like Eli Roth got their inspiration from.