A Clockwork Orgy (1995)

The porno parody thing has gotten out of hand with dozens of titles each month. It is getting so bad that different production teams are releasing their own versions of the same classic movie, sometimes only weeks apart (Halloween : XXX Porn Parody, Official Halloween Parody). A Clockwork Orgy on the other hand dates back to 1995 and when parodies were few and far between.

This thing is slightly upscale compared to most of the porno-spoofs that come out today. The acting is better then normal or at least from some of the actors and its obvious that the crew really did their homework on Stanley Kubrick's classic A Clockwork Orange. The wardrobe looks great and the slight play on words from the unique style of writing is brilliant. "I have a rather intolerable pain in the gashy-washy Mrs."

A Clockwork Orange being one of the biggest cult films ever made it is obvious that this pornographic version is bound to have a following of its own. The real downside to it all is the destruction of the musical soundtrack. Where in the original film the music adds so much to the visuals on the screen, the score in the pornographic version almost hurts the film. The electronic 90's music is annoying and amateurish and just doesn't suit the movie at all. Aside from the shitty score, the movie was shot on 35mm and doesn't look half bad. Of course it doesn't hold that gritty feel of the 70's and 80's porn but still looks better then the digital garbage they release today. Another problem with the film is yet again another reflection of the times. The girls all look so plastic. That of course being the look of the 90's but was always quite unattractive to me. Blond babes filled with silicone. They look great dressed up in their droogy gear but once they shed the clothes it really becomes a turn off.

A Clockwork Orgy offers up home invasion rape, bum-sex, anal sex, oral sex (complete with facials), funny dialogue,Watch for my favorite scene when one of the Droogs sits on a mans face. When they tell him to "Eat that pussy!" he replies (through a muffled voice) "I am". We also get some boot licking for all you weirdo shoe fetishists out there and some lesbian-fu as well.

Worth owning as a novelty if nothing else.

Night Of Bloody Horror (1969)

I love the poster art for this movie. First off it was filmed in Violent Vision and secondly it offers $1000.00 to family members who lose a loved one during a screening of this crap-tastic spectacle of cheesy violence.

Unfortunately the film itself doesn't match the greatness of its poster but us horror/cult/exploitation fans are used to that by now aren't we. The movie follows a young man with some serious mental health issues. After being released from a mental institution his headaches and nightmares come back ten fold. Luckily for us we know when he is having a mental breakdown with the help of the "Violent Vision". We get a silly looking effect that would be used in tons of these exploitation movies. Its the psychedelic spiral that we all know and love so much. Herschell Gordon Lewis would use the spiral in Something Weird and of course in She Devils On Wheels. Every time the hippie-delic spiral appears on the screen a murder happens and although we don't see the killers face the audience is lead to believe it is our psychopathic main character Wesley.

The film makers had some strange ideas on how to cut and edit a film. We get freeze frames for no apparent reason and while it doesn't necessarily hurt the film it doesn't help it either. The colors are soft and faded and the audio levels are a bit to low at moments. The 16mm film is pretty shitty and the framing per second almost comes off as 8mm or something that looks closer to video at times. On the other hand the weapon of choice is a axe and do get some brief but still entertaining gore scenes. A hand is lobbed off at the wrist, a axe is buried into the chest of a bikini clad, blond bimbo, we get an axe to the achy-breaky skull, a spike is driven through a woman's eye in a church confessional, some gun violence and a home collection of dead bodies that would give Ed Gein, Norman Bates and Leather Face an erection.

We also get a hippie-dellic garage rock band that causes quite a bit of violence on the dance floor, a slight bit of tit and shitty twist ending that is seen coming from miles away.

Night Of Bloody Horror isn't the worst hack-em-to-pieces movie ever made but if it played more like a true slasher instead of a mystery movie it would have worked a lot better. Only worth a watch if you get it on a dollar disc. This thing is proudly public domain. Watch William Girdler's Three On A Meathook for a very similar but slightly better time.

SS Girls (1977)

What we have here is the second film in the Italian schlock director Bruno Mattei's filmography. The same year he would release a far superior Nazisploitation flick entitles Women's Camp 119 but that doesn't mean that this one isn't any good... Just the fact that Mettei's name is on it is usually an indication that the movie isn't going to be great but where they lack in production value they make up for it in sheer bad taste.

SS Girls also known as Private House Of The SS is no exception to the rule. It is incredibly sleazy and as tasteless as they come. Bruno Mettei is clearly ripping of Salon Kitty and holds back on the artsy-fartsy stuff. Instead he gives us a mean spirited genre flick about a Nazi commander who gathers "Ten of the most beautiful whores in Germany" and turns them into proper love slaves of the Third Reich. They go through a ridiculous training that is acted out in what has to be one of the weirdest montage scenes in cinema history. They practice their sex, sword play, more sex, aerobics, and even more sex. Of course they are whipped and beaten here and there and in the end of the montage they graduate to proper prostitutes. Then the story gets very choppy and jumpy and this might be due to the fact that I own a cut down 82 minute version and the full uncut version is 95 min. Apparently my print has all the sex and violence intact but I suppose it is they plot that took the huge beating in this case. Hey that's why we call them Movies From Mars, right?

Anyway, we soon end up in a brothel which is run by a psychopathic general who is obsessed with finding traitors and of course executing them. The general eventually goes power mad and views himself as the next fuhrer. Hitler himself is killed off screen and WWII comes to a end which means only one thing... A Nazi suicide party. We are treated to watching one Nazi kill themselves after another and it makes for some very high entertainment. Most of them shoot themselves in the head but one stabs himself in the guts and another shoots himself in the stomach.

Of course the main form of exploitation here is the sex and sex we get plenty of. Naked  Fräulein babes walk around with bushes blazing. We have kinky whip-fu, German Sheppard romance, Scar love, feet worship, ass worship, naked chicken fights, oral sex, rough sex, fat sex, hot sex and cold sex but the film also offers up gratuitous drinking, gratuitous spitting, stabbings, face slashing, gun violence and some really weird wardrobe.

Check it out for a totally awesome Nazisploitation flick from Bruno Mettei and nonsensical Nazi mayhem.

Johnny Cash Singing At His Best (195?-196?)

This compilation takes from about three different Johnny Cash concerts and splices together certain favorites. It is absolutely not a documentary, we don't get any interviews and we don't get any prospective. What we do get is a young Johnny Cash playing his guitar along with his band and of course Singing At His Best. The dvd also offers Johnny's infamous 1959 Elvis Presley impression. The dvd is worth owning for that classic stage antic alone.

The dvd sports a song list with some of my personal favorites. We get Guess Things Happen That Way
Pickin Time
Big River
I Got Stripes
Frankie And Johnny
Give My Love To Rose
Five Feet High And Rising
etc.

The only problem I had was the fact that it had to many of his gospel songs but considering I got the dvd for $2.00 I feel the movie is a nice addition to my collection.

Rivers Edge (1986)

Dennis Hopper was a very busy man in 1986. He played a vengeful, chainsaw wielding, cowboy in Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 and a dangerous, gas huffing, villain in Blue Velvet but he would also take on the role as Feck in Rivers Edge, as a recluse, lunatic, murderer who has a strange connection to his pistol and his blow-up doll.

Besides Hopper is cult favorite, character actor, Crispin Glover. Glover plays a high school burn-out and delivers plenty of strange stylized acting that we all know him for. Glover is sort of the self proclaimed leader of the burn-outs. For some odd reason his clan of weed smoking, metal-head, morons listen to everything he says.

When one of Glovers close friends confesses to the murder of another friend and classmate he stops at no cost to protect his friend. The only problem is news spreads fast amongst these stoners and one of them doesn't feel like going along with Glover.

This movie stured up a bit of controversy upon its release due to its strange and intense subject matter. It portrays the children of the 80's as not only useless but dangerous in their nihilistic habitat. Morals, feelings and conscience are few and far between with these mixed up kids and it seems the only things they care about is sex, drugs and of course rock & roll. Except for the character of Glover who becomes obsessed with the death of his friend but he becomes obsessed with the idea of hiding the murderer instead of turning him in. Perhaps the creepiest part of Rivers Edge comes from a 8 year old character who witness's the crimes that his older brother is involved with and eagerly follows in his footsteps but his young fragile mind is more warped and dangerous then that of the older high school kids. The 8 year old does drugs, stays out all night, steals cars, robs houses, beats up the elderly, and is working his way up to murder.

The film offers a naked female corpse, a heavy metal soundtrack, lots of leather clad burn-out kids, nun chuck-fu, memorable quotes "Hurry your ass!", blow-up doll romance, and some gun violence.

The Rivers Edge is thought provoking, humorous, sad and at times creepy. It leaves the viewer questioning his own morals and the rest of humanity. Naturally its a cult classic.

Zombie Death House (1987)

The ultimate novelty flick for John Saxon (Black Christmas, Tenebre) fans. Zombie Death house is the one and only movie that Saxon would ever direct and its pretty bad (but in a good way). The same year Saxon would do A Nightmare On Elm Street part 3 : Dream Warriors but still found the time to do low budget shit-tastic flicks like Zombie Death House.

The story is about a ex Vietnam war hero who now is the chauffeur for a powerful crime lord played by Anthony Franciosa (Who would play besides John Saxon in Dario Argento's Tenebre). When Franciosa learns that his driver is having an affair with his young, blond, bimbo-girlfriend, he kills her and frames the war veteran for the crime. The chauffeur is sent to prison a.k.a. Death House where he will have to fight against a army of zombies. John Saxon is the one to blame for the undead epidemic. Saxon plays Colonel Gordon Burgess whom is experimenting with a new serum that turns a man into the flesh-eating, walking dead. The only problem is he is using the inmates as his guinea pigs.

Zombie Death House should get the reward for most gratuitous nudity of all time. While it doesn't necessarily have a huge quantity of naked flesh it makes up for it by having the most unnecessary naked flesh. In one of my favorite scenes we have a 30 second dream sequence which exists for the sole reason of showing Tane McClure's tits. We also get our share of the red stuff. A man has his achy-breaky skull crushed between prison bars (complete with splat), A man gets the electric chair and becomes an electrified-zombified, super-strength madman, we have dismemberment, multiple dead cops (complete with throat slashing and bullet wounds to the skull) "This pig deserves to die", Then we have a fat zombie chef who goes crazy with a meat cleaver when someone touches her Twinkies, A pick axe to the gut, shoot-em-up gun violence, car chases, drownings, decapitation, white-cotton-panty-fu, Dead Kennedy's on the soundtrack and some serious homosexual activity "Who do you think you're talking to, you little cunt? You bend over for Franco... Now you're gonna bend over for me!"

Personally not usually being a big fan of 80's movies, Zombie Death House could have been a lot worse. At least it tries to be a serious movie and isn't filled with awful jokes, except of course for the Twinkies scene. It offers up the blood and bare breasted bimbo's. The only problem is it seems to drag along after a while. Fans of this movie should definitely check out Shadow Dead Riot for a more modern and more sleazy zombies run amuk in prison flick.

The Undertaker And His Pals (1966)

In the tradition of Blood Feast, The Undertaker And His Pals has to be one of the weirdest comedies ever made. Shot on a Ed Wood Jr. budget this hour long gore flick tells the tale of three bikers who ride around on their cycles in search of nubile female victims. They murder, mutilate and dismember the sexy 60's babes and serve the body parts at a shitty hole in the wall restaurant.

The Undertaker And His Pals never tries to take itself seriously. Instead it tries to be funny but usually fails. However it doesn't fail from being an excessively violent movie with over the top gore.

The great Herschell Gordon Lewis usually gets the credit for being the one American rebel dabbling in this territory but there were others along for the ride. This seldom spoken of movie was also on the drive-in movie circuit at the time. Its hard to believe that someone out there took themselves less serious then Mr. Lewis but this movie is living proof.

Although its real cult following mainly enjoys the blood letting, The Undertaker And His Pals does offer a few laughs, many of which come from scenes that are just to odd to not laugh. One of which being a scene where a girl fires a hand gun off at the vicious biker gang who just ran off with her friends leg. She pulls the trigger and thrusts her hips forward three times. Why she is humping the air is beyond me but it just adds to the strange entity that is The Undertaker And His Pals.

As far as the gore goes, we have a girl impaled on a metal spike, A screwdriver driven through a mans skull, a very nasty scene where a woman is beaten, bloody with a metal chain, which reminded me very much of Lucio Fulci's gory chain violence in Don't Torture A Duckling and even The Beyond. We have a meat cleaver to a mans achy-breaky skull (complete with lots of drippy red stuff), A women is chloroformed and cut open with a scalpel (Complete with entrails fondling), A man is rigged up to a pulley system and lowered into a vat of acid, We get some meat-grinding-fu in true Ted V. Michael's fashion, Motorcycle accidents and some fisticuffs.

Unfortunately we don't have any naked female flesh on display but we do get some 60's underwear and torpedo-tit bras. The film also offers a touch of racism, a touch of sexism and a whole lot of sadism. The Undertake And His Pals is A-O.K. in my book and makes for the perfect film to entertain (or confuse) your friends with. Why this thing is so obscure is beyond me... Fans of this movie should also get a kick out of The Corpse Grinders, Gore Gore Girls and Psychomania which is another flick about a leather clad biker gang of murderous psychopaths.

The Invisible Man Returns (1940)

Vincent Price takes on the role of The Invisible Man in one of his first appearances on film. The Invisible Man Returns comes seven years after James Whale's  brilliant original staring Claud Rains and isn't quite as good as the first film but when are they ever? Although Price is recognized more for his distinct voice this wasn't the fact in 1940. Price only being in three films prior he had a lot to live up to in the way of Claud Rains unforgettable vocals. This would be like John Carradine trying to fill Lon Channey's shoes in a sympathetic monster role.

None the less The Invisible Man Returns is a good movie it just lacks in the style and pace of the original. Vincent Price plays a criminal who awaits his execution but escapes with the aid of the invisible concoction that got Rains into so much trouble in 1933. He surly goes mad after a while and becomes violent and irrational. He doesn't send a train full of innocent people crashing off of a bridge but he still has his way with some enemies and of course the police. We have an amazing climax on a coal mining coaster that ends with some gun violence and a man falling to his death in a cart full of coal. We also get a very familiar transformation scene right before the film finishes and this time we are left with a young, pre-mustache, Vincent Price laying in the hospital bed alive.

They also change up the Invisible Man's standard bandaged uniform. In one scene he walks around in a scarecrow's clothes and in one of my personal favorite moments he causes some terror hidden behind a gas mask which of course reminded me of My Bloody Valentine but unfortunately Price doesn't go on a murder spree with a pick axe as a weapon of choice.

On the down side the acting is a bit weak this time around and its hard to sympathize with the characters. There is a weak love story going on for a subplot and that isn't very interesting either. We do get a couple of cool gags. One involving the invisible man in a cloud of cigar smoke. We also have a cop who is beaten up, stripped and hog tied which is good for a quick chuckle.

Fans of the original should check this one out. Its not a bad sequel and the invisible character is just to hard to stay away from.

Guru The Mad Monk (1970)

Andy Milligan's name alone usually causes a few different reactions with cult film and horror movie buffs. The most common is probably a cringe because Milligan's movies are out right awful and sometimes unwatchable. The second would probably be laughter. There are people who are partial to the vile works of Mr. Milligan and they just find him and his inadequate style of film making humorous. Every once and a while you get the freak who smiles and shouts out "I love Andy Milligan" while I can see the fascination with the madness of Milligan movies and I myself like to bask in the glory of the sleaziness and gory mayhem of The Ghastly Ones about once a year which is hard for people to believe considering how most people who have seen it once swear they will never watch it again. I however feel almost drawn to that film and feel the need to give it a run every once and a while. Still I don't know if I can consider myself a fan of Andy Milligan but there is definitely a strange power that flows through some of his films. They have an element of weirdness, they are violent, sometimes disturbing and done extremely amateurish. The fact that they are so bad almost makes them more fascinating.

Guru The Mad Monk, not to be mistaken for Rasputin : Mad Monk with Christopher Lee is no exception. The print that I own which is the more popular runs at only 56 minutes and while Guru may be short there is definitely enough odd things going on to fill the average 90 minute movie. There is apparently a 62 minute version out there somewhere which I have not been able to get my hands on yet but would love to.

Guru The Mad Monk is sort of a twisted tale of Romeo And Juliet with serious anti religous undertones. Guru isn't in fact a Monk. He is a Catholic priest who sends accused criminals and sinners on their way to execution. Guru is an evil man with way to much power. He also has multiple personalities and the of course the evil overcomes the good. Guru hangs around with a deformed hunchback who looks a lot like Dee Dee Ramone from the legendary punk band The Ramones. He also hangs out with a female vampire named Olga. Olga and Guru need human blood for their own reasons and they use a young man who works in a prison cemetery to bring them fresh blood.

Guru The Mad Monk offers up quick but graphic scenes of gore and violence that consist of decapitation and eyeball mutilation (complete with nails through the eye sockets). Hands are chopped off with axes and we also have public branding. The gore is so cheesy it makes the average Herschell Gordon Lewis flick look like Cannibal Holocaust but its all done in such a trashy way that a demented gore hound like myself can't help but be pleased.

Check out Guru The Mad Monk for a stab at the Catholic church from Milligan the mad director.

Oval Portrait (1972)

If I can't punch the actress, I will have to punch myself for buying this shitty movie. This American/Mexican production has to be one of the worst fucking movies I have seen in a while. The Oval Portrait or One Minute Before Death takes from the writings of Edgar Allan Poe and mangles it with wretched visuals and over all inept film making.

A mother and daughter inherit a mansion which is haunted by the ghost of the former resident. The daughter becomes possessed and runs around in an embarrassing manner.

First off the daughter is played by a 50 year old woman and no amount of Botox can help this wrinkled up old bag. Its annoying as hell watching this old bat run around and pretending to be a child. I don't care if she was the worlds greatest actress which she is absolutely not and had the worlds greatest makeup artists making her up. We still wouldn't be fooled. Then we get some really shitty ghost effects and horrible acting all around. The voice over dubbing is horrendous and the plot is totally boring. Luckily for us we have a necrophilia scene (complete with corpse slow-dancing). We also get a tid bit of blood but nowhere near enough to save this vile piece of crap.

Don't ever watch this movie!

Brideless Groom (1947)

Shemp is to inherit a large sum of money under the condition that he finds a girl to marry him before 6:00 PM. He calls every girl he knows and makes a ass out of himself each time. He catches a variety of beatings from various different women and of course Moe as well. Larry stands in the background which is typical for the average Three Stooges short but his screen time is always much appreciated.

Shemp really steals the show in this one and the movie belongs to him. Moe has some great bits as well. One that always sticks in mind is a gag inside a phone booth where Shemp and Moe get tangled up together in the telephone wires. Naturally these two can't be this close to each other without causing the other some pain. They bite each other and bang heads and its funny no matter how many times you see it. Also watch for the awesomely homo erotic moment between Moe and Larry in the hallway.

By the end of the film Shemp is ruining from herds of greedy women who want to get their hands on his inheritance. Moe takes charge and slaps a few of the women around while Larry just gets hurt a lot.

One of the most famous and most memorable of all Three Stooges Shorts. A must see for all Shemp fans. Just watch as he sticks shaving cream in his eyes and attempts to straight razor himself clean. "OOOOW OOOOW Moe, I cut my head off. My head is off Moe".

This Lady Is A Tramp (1980)

Chuck Vincent, the director of Bon Appetite delivers a much more raunchy and comedic film the same year. This Lady Is A Tramp follows Samantha Fox through her divorce from Robert (Cannibal Holocaust) Kerman. She spills the beans to her lawyer... Actually she tells lie after lie to prove herself innocent and come off as a proper lady but fortunately for us the camera tells the truth and shows her as the Tramp she is and we watch all of her filthy exploits as she climbs the grimy ladder to wealth and fame.

It all starts when she was a young nympho adolescent who seduces her drunken stepfather with a quickie blowjob in a typical pervy jailbait scene from the sickie golden age of adult cinema. Samantha Fox takes turns sucking on her lollipop and her step daddy's cock. Mother walks in after the money shot and chases them around the house with a broom. Naturally the next step is to run away to N.Y.C. and attend some nice films on 42nd Street. Luckily for us Ron (The Rocket) Jeremy is putting on a show in this sleazy fuck-house and we are treated the visual of Jeremy blowing his own whistle. Ron's role is far more interesting and exploitative then that of Bon Appetite and its hard to believe the two films came from the same director.

The Lady Is A Tramp also offers up lesbianism, a orgy complete with sailor boys, a cripple who lost his limbs "at a Rolling Stones concert", some nasty name calling and other S&M treats, a bar fight scene complete with bottles being broken over achy-breaky skulls and lots of funny moments and laughable quotes for the average degenerate to chuckle to. Anyone who finds humor in these sick flicks is bound to enjoy this one.

Disorder In The Court (1936)

Moe Larry and Curly terrorize a court house in one of the most easily accessible Three Stooges shorts. This short is readily available on countless public domain packs and is quite memorable to any Stooges fan.

The Stooges bring in some sex appeal riff raff who does a bit of a strip tease while the three lunk-heads get rebellious with a swing number. Its not long before they are shooting hand guns off, calling the judge names, hitting the jury over the heads with hammers, blasting the court down with a fire hose and screaming like Tarzan. Curly gets his head crushed in a vice  "I'll squeeze the cider outta yer Adam's apple!" and we also get a awesome scene where Curly gives us the middle finger which would make a great T shirt.

Disorder In The Court is a timeless classic from the Stooges filled with chaos and some really funny bits from Curly and Larry alike.

Young, Wild And Wonderful (1980)

Jim Clark director of classics like Debbie Does Dallas and Angel Buns drops this 1980 porno flick on us about a high school field trip to a museum. Of course these high school kids are all in their 30's but that doesn't stop the screenplay from playing the jail bait fantasy to the max.

These kids are fucking horny and so are the teachers for that matter. Everybody sleeps with everybody but in one of the best scenes a girl seduces her teacher and we get the brilliantly creepy quote of the film "Does your daddy stroke your pussy like that?" Oh man, you gotta love it...

We get gratuitous "whore" calling in a threesome scene which is also the roughest scene in the movie. Robert (Cannibal Holocaust) Kerman does the dirty with a young piece of "Chicken". Then we get a gangbang (complete with circle jerk), some really ugly chicks with bad mullets, the typical taking of the virginity that is required for any classic jailbait porn and some really shitty 80's music to further make the movie less attractive. So in other words... I enjoyed it. Especially the disturbing close-ups on pubic hair and porno beaten vagina's.

Young, Wild And Wonderful also known as Wet, Wild And Willing offers some cheap laughs and one semi attractive threesome involving two pretty brunettes, one of which being Arcadia Lake from Debbie Does Dallas and the other looking a bit like Shannen Doherty with some super puffy nipples as an added bonus. Not a complete waste of time but nothing to memorable or exciting either. Just another smut flick from the pornographic archives involving youngsters and their devious sex starved ways.

Chopper (2000)

Ever imagine what it would be like to be a total ruthless bad-ass who shoots anybody who fucks with you with out remorse and then reality kicks in and you know you would feel bad and regret it all? That's what we kind of get with Chopper. Chopper is based on the real life Australian criminal Mark (Chopper) Read and was put together from a series of autobiography novels that Chopper Read wrote in prison. Chopper gained his notoriety for sever acts of torture and violence that he unleashed on Australian drug dealers and assorted criminals. However Chopper isn't quite a vigilante. He himself was a criminal who just chose other criminals as his victims.

Many of the scenes in the movie were taken from real events such as Chopper having a fellow prisoner cut both of his ears off so he can avoid an attack from rival gang members. The movie however is really pretty funny. The brutality of it all is sort of numbed down with the comic relief that is thrown in. Chopper is the true definition of a dark comedy.

We are treated to some schizophrenic behaviour that fills the screen with gore and laughs at the same time. In one scene Chopper repeatedly stabs a man in the neck and then apologizes over and over again as the man lay on the floor bleeding to death. This is pretty much the tone of the film. Every time Chopper does something horrible to someone he then apologizes for his actions. In one scene he shoots a man in the gut and then drives him to the hospital.

Some of the other treats that Chopper offers up is a shotgun blast to the face (complete with a slug through the eye), Nasty stabbing scenes (complete with tons of gore), girlfriend beatings, mother beatings, public nudity (complete with swinging dicks) and lots of memorable quotes "Cheers, Big ears".

Its almost impossible to watch this movie and not like the character of Chopper. He is charismatic, funny and of course extremely dangerous. Check it out for a violent fun time.

The Thing (2011)

John Carpenters remake of The Thing From Another World is possibly the best remake in cinema history. He offered a much more graphic take on the 50's monster movie with groundbreaking special effects for a modern audience in 1982. In theory I suppose The Thing 2011 had the same responsibility to deliver the computer graphics to the audience of today. Personally not being a fan of CGI at all I had very low expectations for this movie and knew there was no way possible they could have out done John Carpenters 82 remake which still stands up today as far as the effects go. In the 82 flick the computer scenes seem a bit dated by todays standards but the gore is still outrageously affective as it was the day it was released.

The 2011 take on the other hand will not become the timeless classic that Carpenter directed and the reason being, character development... Where is it? The characters in the new movie all seem worthless. They don't offer anything there for their lives are meaningless. This keeps the audience in a certain mind frame... Bring on the next gore scene. In that sense I suppose The Thing (2011) wasn't horrible. The CGI looked good for what it is (At least at certain times). Half of the effects looked like total shit and there was one scene in the space ship that was just an embarrassment but we also had some cool double headed monster action and stomachs that split open with other monstrous surprises that pop out. 

The film makers did their best to hold the mood and creepy pace of Carpenters film and succeeded to a certain level but failed miserably when it came to screen writing. The blood test scene in Carpenter's version is one of the most tense scenes in horror history. The characters and the audience alike await the results of the blood test and then before you can blink, Bam! in your face all out monster mayhem complete with gory catastrophe and death. This time around they check for fillings in the mouths of the suspected infected. Fucking fillings? They have to be kidding me.

I will admit The Thing (2011) is probably one of the better remakes to come out but it just doesn't meet the high expectations and standards of a true American classic like The Thing (1982).