The Whip And The Body (1963)

Released the same year as Bava's classic Black Sabbath. The Whip And The Body tells of Sadomasochism, insanity and ghosts.

Also known as What, The Whip And The Flesh, Son Of Satan, Night Is The Phantom and many more.

The story is morbid but it crawls along at a slow pace with lots of talky scenes. Bava's direction, cinematography and lighting are the saviour yet again. With out Bava's artistic sense of direction The Whip And The Body would have been unwatchable.

Christopher Lee plays a sadistic man named Kurt who has been exiled from his wealthy families castle. He returns to torment his family once more. The lead actress is played by Daliah Lavi who reminded me a lot of Barbara Steele (Black Sunday, Caged Heat). Lavi is arranged to marry Kurt's brother but deep down inside Lavi has a secret love for Kurt and S&M of course. At first look it seems there is about to be a violent rape scene with clothes being ripped off and a bit of slap-happy fun but when Kurt brings out the whip Lavi's facial expression changes from horrified to a look of ecstasy. "You haven't changed I see... You always loved violence" Soon after Kurt is mysteriously killed with a dagger through the throat. The other members are of the house are being killed off one by one as Lavi is visited by the ghost of Kurt for some romantic sex and violence.

The Whip And The Body doesn't offer up any naked flesh but does deliver stabbings, a burning corpse, creepy settings, creepy lighting, elegant camera work, a repetitive score and of course whips. Gialo fans should see the predictible ending from a mile away but its still worth a watch for all Mario Bava fans. Although it doesn't match up with movies like Blood And Black Lace which would come out the following year The Whip And The Body is another example of what  Bava can do with limited resources.

Eerie Midnight Horror Show (1974)

70's Italian film makers didn't waste much time when it came to genre flicks and ripoffs. The international success of America's The Exorcist means only one thing... Euro-Trash versions of green vomit spewing demons. Unfortunately for us The Eerie Midnight Horror Show isn't all that trashy or even good for that matter.

The VHS title obviously trying to cash in on The Rocky Horror Picture Show does catch the eye but some of the earlier titles were way better. Also released as Enter The Devil, The Devil Obsession, The Tormented and the awesomely exploitive title The Sexorcist. Which ever title you choose The Eerie Midnight Horror Show is bound to let you down.

A hand carved wooden statue of a crucified Satan is discovered and of course tampered with. Satan comes back to life, pulls himself from the cross and possesses a young girl named Danila who strikes a odd resemblance to Ashley Laurance from Hellraiser. The demonic Danila acts out against the church, family and friends. She tries to indulge in some incest with daddy which leads to some domestic violence (complete with gratuitous daughter slapping). However Danila's level of perversion pales in comparison to her devious mother who likes to run around with the town bad boy. In one of the best scenes Danila spies in on her mother as she is stripped down, thrown on a bed, covered in rose petals and then whipped with roses. Blood and roses (Sounds like a Mario Bava movie or something) is on display and Danila's mother loves every minute of it of course.

We also get a rape scene between the devil and Danila, a sadomasochist priest who likes to whip himself and if they used regular split pea soup in The Exorcist they definitely used chunky for The Eerie Midnight Horror Show.

Aside from the bare breasts and the awesome rose whipping scene we get a pretty cool crucifixion. It doesn't quite compete with the brutal crucifixion in Lucio Fulci's The Beyond but the red stuff does spill as giant railroad spikes a hammered into our female leads hands and feet.

In the end we get the final showdown between good and evil, priest and demon. I'm sure you guessed it but the conclusion is right out of The Exorcist with one dead priest and a healthy Danila. The only difference is that in this one the priest takes a beating from a big heavy chain.

Out of all of The Exorcist ripoffs out there The Eerie Midnight Horror Show isn't a top pick. Aside from the crucifixion and the whips there really isn't much to offer. Check out Exorcismo or Seytan (Turkish Exorcist) for some more silly possession from over seas with devils and exorcism.

Bean (1997)

Mr. Bean or Dr. Bean as he is portrayed in this feature comes to America and terrorizes Hollywood with his insane mannerisms.

Bean is obviously more polished then the T.V. show with an unnecessary bigger budget. Some of the infamous skits from the show were redone here and Rowan (Mr. Bean) Atkinson is hilarious as always in a retarded kind of way.

I didn't mind this one so much because it wasn't really directed towards a children's audience like Mr. Beans Vacation which would come out ten years later. Bean had its share of crude moments and isn't necessarily for the eyes of children, with a perverse scene involving Mr. Bean dry humping random objects in a public bathroom. Then we get a incredibly funny scene where Bean drives around Hollywood Boulevard giving everybody the middle finger.

In another scene Bean gets drunk and sings songs from The Beatles which was pretty odd. He also has a fixation on Dirty Harry and gets himself in trouble with the law more then once. He vandalizes a priceless work of art, blows up a bag of puke on a airplane and pops it (complete with flying vomit), Sticks his head up a turkeys ass and breaks just about anything of value around him. The one thing that I found really weird about this movie is that Bean talks much more then usual. He even gives a speech about art in one scene. Burt Reynolds also shows up as a bad-ass soldier who thinks Bean is some sort of genius. Perhaps a bit of commentary on the intellect of our military?

One big down side to the movie is the soundtrack. Classic songs from The Beatles and even Alice Cooper were redone in easy listening format. Makes ya kinda want to puke. Aside from the awful music and the over budgeted production Bean is a worthy addition to any bean-fan's collection.

Doctor Jekyll And The Werewolf (1972)

Yet another Paul Nashy, León Klimovsky (The Vampires Night Orgy, Devils Possessed) werewolf collaboration. This time writer Paul Nashy blends the tale of Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde with The Wolfman.

Although this one starts off a little on the slow side it becomes quite the spectacle with Nashy of course playing the part of the werewolf and the evil Mr. Hyde. I have heard people call this one confusing but I think they just weren't paying attention because it makes sense. Even the edited, choppy, cut down version still makes sense. The story may be a little bit dumb but it isn't confusing. If you're looking for an intelligent plot you probably shouldn't be watching silly monster movies in the first place. I personally love this movie. It has one of the greatest moments in wolf-man cinema as far as I am concerned. It involves Paul Nashy transforming from Mr. Hyde to the reoccurring character of Waldemar Daninsky to the wolfman in a crazy hippie-delic Go-Go club. These hipsters are dancing they're bell bottoms off while the hairy version of Waldemar goes on a violent drooling rampage. Pretty Awesome!

Jack Taylor who I remember best as Professor Brown in Pieces shows up as Dr. Jekyll whom is of course still experimenting with granddaddy's old serums. (Try to follow me here) He finds an antidote for the evil identity of Mr. Hyde and when Waldemar comes to the Dr. for help he has the brilliant idea to strap Waldemar to a table on the first full moon. Inject him with the old grandpa Mr. Hyde solution. Naturally Mr. Hyde will over power the Wolfman (I don't know why he is so sure of this) and then he will inject the antidote which will "Destroy both demons". Not confusing, just dumb... but fun none the less. Of course the plan gets botched up when Dr.Jekyll gets stabbed in the back by his hot, jealous assistant.

This Spanish production offers up lots of good looking women. Unfortunately my copy is cut so I don't know if we get any bare breasts but I would assume we do. I would like to obtain an uncut print of this but for now my copy is good enough. It offers up a rape scene that is broken up by old barrel chested Paul Nashy while wearing his trademark turtleneck. We get the expected severed head which appears in almost every Nashy flick. Werewolf vs. a nurse in a elevator, Throat ripping, Stabbing, Shooting, Go-Go dancing mayhem, Drooling, Gratuitous "Bitch" calling, A scene where Mr. Hyde pushes a man into a river (just for the kicks), Burning corpses and of course some silly transformation scenes.

In one of the best moments Waldemar's lover watches from a balcony as Waldemar turns from man to wolfman under the full moon. This scene stands out due to the interesting camera angles and creepy lighting. Its a pretty creepy moment that should be appreciated by werewolf fans. Turn the lights down and the disco up and get on the dance floor with Nashy in one of the more entertaining of Nashy's Waldemar Daninsky, Werewolf flicks.

West Side Story (1961)

West Side Story might be the silliest juvenile delinquent picture ever made. The story is a serious commentary on the problems of racism in this country and the affect it has on the youth but due to the fact that its a musical (and probably the greatest musical of all time) its filled with dancing, singing and of course crazy spinning and twirling.

Its a little hard to take these rough and tough street kids seriously when they jump ten feet into the air and do a sort of spinning split but for me that's what makes West Side Story so much fun.

The truth is that West Side Story is a pretty sad movie and you really can get sucked into the story of two lovers torn apart by a race war. Which is why West Side Story is the perfect flick to watch with your best girl but its still nice to sit back with a few friends and some drinks while getting some cheap laughs out of the dance numbers.

Although West Side Story is a sort of modern adaption of Romeo And Juliet looking at it today there are certain things that make it a bit hypocritical. For instance the movie tells of two gangs in NYC. One being a all white gang called The Jets and the other being a Puerto Rican gang called The Sharks. The two gangs are at war and believe segregation is the only way. In a scene at a dance hall which is supposed to be nutural territory The Jets and The Sharks taunt each other with some silly dance routines but for a movie that is making a statement against racism it doesn't come off politically correct. If you look in the background all of the black people are just kind of standing around. They are the only ones who are not dancing and we all know that black people have much more rhythm then white people. Al Sharpton would have a field day with that scene but I just found it interesting in a nostalgic kind of way.

Another thing that comes off a bit weird while watching it today is the fact that the movie never really gives a date to the location. Since it was released in 1961 and the whole duck-tail, greaser true juvenile delinquent films were done and over with the dress code seems a bit out of place and doesn't quite go with the attitude of the street kids.

Russ Tamblyn who would go on to do some sleazies like The Female Bunch, Satan's Sadists and Dracula Vs. Frankenstein plays the leader of The Jets. Its strange to think that a man who did a film that won so many Oscars would go on to work with the likes of Al Adamson. I guess an actor will do a lot of things when hes hungry for work and anything beats a nine to fiver. Whatever Tamblyn's reasoning, I'm glad he got back to the drive-in.

The trailer on my dvd states "Unlike other classics West Side Story grows younger." I don't know if I can totally agree with that but the subject is still relevant today and its a lot of fun to watch.

Halloween : XXX Porn Parody (2011)

As if the Hollywood studios weren't bad enough with all of the classic horror movie remakes... The pron industry is no better. Smash Pictures drops to a new low by shitting out their own Halloween porn parody only months after Zero Tolerance released theirs.

I had a really hard time deciding which one of these horror-porn parodies was worse. Zero Tolerance's Official Halloween Parody was horrible but offered up some real good laughs by Dr. Loomis character played by James Bartholet (Saw : A Hardcore Parody) but Smash Pictures released a movie that is much more true to the classic 1978 John Carpenter's Halloween. All of the main focal points of the original movie are thrown into this one and are of course surrounded with hardcore sex scenes.

The girls are also better looking in this version but the acting is as bad as can be. The character of Dr. Loomis is fucking horrible and had me praying for the laughs from James Bartholet. Another thing that caught my eye was how bruised up all the girls were in the Smash Pictures version.

Laurie is the shy goodie-girl that we know and love in the original and all of her friends think she is a virgin but in reality she is quite the freak. She sits home and masturbated to masked madmen in shitty horror movies. Her fetish fails to be true when Michael Myers is chasing her around the house with a kitchen knife. Myers does get some pussy in this one and he does it in true Jewish fashion, Through a sheet of course. "Can I get your ghost Bob".

This horror-porno-parody offers up memorable quotes from the original, really obnoxious screaming, a throat slashing, stabbings, a sewing needle to the neck, coat hanger to the eye, shootings, strangulation, shitty camera work and black & blue'd porno-sluts. If I had to chose I would say this is the better of the two. Its still ridiculous, offensive and lacks in creativity but what do you expect from a mindless, money-hungry industry?

I would assume that Smash Pictures has broken down the boundaries of pride yet again that all forms of self respect has gone out the window and we can expect more then one remake of the same movie every year.

Only worth a watch if you can't find anything better to do with your time. Unless of course you have some kind of weird fetish for light skin girls with dark bruises.

The Tingler (1959)

My favorite of all William Castle flicks. Released the same year as House On Haunted Hill which also stared Vincent Price. The Tingler has even more wacky spectacle to offer.

Including a new gimmick. Certain chairs were rigged up to an electrical system that would shock members of the audience during key points of the film to induce a tension in the audience. The idea being to cause movie goers to jump and scream and if the movie it self can't do it, a good shock to the ass will. To think that in 1959 movie goers would spend their money to be electrocuted is interesting on its own. Today we would have wimpy, cry baby, yuppies trying to sue theater owners. William Castles form of exploitation brought an audience into something that fell somewhere in between a circus attraction and a play and his films serve as a reminder of what a theatrical experience could and should be like today.

Vincent Price plays a (You guessed it) mad scientist who discovers a living organism inside the human body that grows in size when fear is induced. He calls it The Tingler and this little thing looks like a smaller version of the monster in The Creeping Terror. However size isn't a factor here because The Tingler is quite deadly. It can shatter mans spinal collumn or choke him to death. Once Price removes The Tingler from its natural habitat, the human body, all hell breaks loose. The Tingler goes on a murderous rampage inside an old movie house. Hence the electro-chairs.

The Tingler also offers up a scene where Vincent Price takes L.S.D. Where else can we watch Price take an acid trip? Price doesn't necessarily take a trip to hell like Coffin Joe in Awakening Of The Beast but he does wrestle with a skeleton and tries his best to refrain from screaming as the walls close in on him.

"Its not a drug. Its an acid" Price uses his new tripy drug on a deaf/mute and we are treated to walking corpses, axe throwing gorillas and a colorized scene involving a corpse in a blood filled bathtub.

The Tingler is the perfect remedy for anyone who likes cheesy monster movies from the 50's. Its filled with visible wires and continuity but that just makes it all the more fun. Vincent Price does a excellent job in this one and with his acting the viewer can almost take this ridiculous scenario seriously.

I have not been lucky enough to catch this one in a theater yet but I await the day that I get my asshole shocked with an audience who can enjoy the finer things in life. Electric chairs and monster madness! The Tingler is a must see and must own for William Castle fans.

Which Way Is Up (1977)

For some reason people recognize this movie as a blaxploitation movie but I don't view this thing as a exploitation film at all. There isn't any exploitative material in here at all.

Richard Pryor plays three characters in this one. The first being a lying, cheating fuck-up named Leroy. The second being a foul mouthed bummy old man named Rufus and the third being a pervy priest who has more children then Jesus himself.

Pryor is funny as usual especialy while playing the old man. He over acts the character of Leroy a bit and at times and Leroy's character almost comes off like a typical scared black man is a racist 30's horror film.

In one of the best bits, Leroy tries to kill his wife after he finds out that she cheated on him with the priest and is pregnant with the preachers kid. The tables are turned when his wife learns that Leroy had been shacking up with another girl on the other side of town. They chase each other around the kitchen with kitchen knives and meat cleaver in what might be the funniest scene of domestic violence in cinematic history. In a much more awkward scene Pryor is chained to a bed, whipped against his will and has a vibrator shoved up his ass.

Which Way Is Up is a comedy but tries to hold somewhat of a social commentary which I didn't feel came off very clear or effectively. In the following year Pryor would go on to do a much more serious and political movie called Blue Collar. Blue Collar and Which Way Is  Up share a very similar subject matter but the two films couldn't be more different.

Check it out for some good old 70's, jive jargon and some general silliness.

Curse Of Bigfoot (1978)

What a mess of a movie. Curse Of Bigfoot is the product of a 60's throw away film called Teenagers Battle The Thing with added footage and added confusion. Some how this thing aired frequently on television in the 70's which is even more baffling then the movie it self.

Curse Of Bigfoot opens with a zombie looking monster stalking a women in the woods. As bad as it is, Curse Of Bigfoot gives off the impression that this might be a 70's sickie in the beginning. Well, sick it is but not in the bloody, nasty, disgusting kind of way. It's sick in the so bad it can't be ignored kind of way. Similar to the movies of Ed Wood (Plan 9 From Outer Space) and Al Adamson (Satans Sadists). The decaying faced zombie quickly goes away for good when a school teacher shuts the projector off and gives a speech about 50's and 60's monster movies to his students. "These movies may seem corny today" Then the teacher goes on to talk about Bigfoot or the Yeti or the Abominable Snowman.

Curse Of Bigfoot plays more like a National Geographic movie or an educational film then a horror movie which makes it all the more bizarre. Its good to know that teachers in the 70's dealt in fact with important subjects on Bigfoot and other monsters.

Next a weirdo scientist stands before the classroom and tells his bizarre, incoherent story of when he met Bigfoot in a giant flashback that will eat up the remainder of the runtime. This footage was taken from the earlier Teenagers Battle The Thing and guess what... The thing isn't even a Bigfoot. It's a giant fucking mummy from "hundreds of thousands years ago". It looks more like a monster out of a John Ashly movie like Beast Of Blood or something.

Through the rest of the movie the teenagers pretty much walk around aimlessly in the woods while a driving musical score blares as if something might actually happen. Curse Of Bigfoot comes to what would be recognized as a climax when the kids set the Bigfoot/Mummy on fire.

They really don't get much worse then this. Nothing interesting going on at all except when we see the monster and on top of all that it just doesn't make any fucking sense. Still Curse Of Bigfoot is as weird as they come and definitely deserves points for being a movie from mars. Its best viewed with multiple friends and alcohol but for a much sleazier Bigfoot experience check out the great Shriek Of The Mutilated. It even makes sense. Sort of...

Moon Of The Wolf (1972)

Whats up with these 70's made for television Werewolf/Mystery flicks? Well at least this one actually had a hairy wolfman and wasn't a complete copout like Scream Of The Wolf.

Okay monster doesn't show up till the last fifteen minutes or so but he does exist. The majority of the film follows a sheriff around the swamps and other hillbilly hangouts as he tries to solve the grizzly murder of a young girl. We get a few suspects, none of which seem all that guilty to the viewer. Eventually we get two more killings bringing the bodycount up to three. Three dead bodies is the maximum count until the Werewolf is killed in the end. Oh and speaking of killing a werewolf, Moon Of The Wolf reinvents the rules here a bit. Apparently there is only two ways to kill a wolf man. The first being to set the monster on fire, which we do get to see at one point and the second is to shoot it with "Blessed bullets" not to be mistaken for the oh so familiar silver bullets. My question is, what weirdo, drunken, redneck, priest is blessing bullets? Only in the south, man...

Well apparently it takes three blessed bullets to take out a werewolf cause that's what it takes our female lead in Moon Of The Wolf.

A fair warning. All of the killing happens off screen and we don't get much blood. We do get one dead cop and some really bad continuity in the end. Night for day, day for night... Who's keeping track? Also the werewolf's first appearance is a pretty fun moment. It involves the monster running around the hospital and scaring a bunch of nurses until he makes his exit through a window. For a made for t.v. movie Moon Of The Wolf could have been much worse but theres still nothing to appealing about this one except maybe a few cheap laughs and general monster-fu with some cheapo makeup effects.

Devils Possessed (1974)

Written by and staring Spanish, horror icon Paul Nashy and directed by León Klimovsky (Werewolf Vs. The Vampire Women, The Vampires Night Orgy). This Medieval period piece tells the tale of a power hungry madman (Nashy) who terrorizes the land from his castle. Nashy loses all morality or at least close to all of it while under the spell of his vindictive, evil queen. Together they kidnap young virgins and sacrifice them in witchcraft rituals. This is until a old friend of Nashy's comes back to town and starts a renegade army to bring the evil ruler down once and for all.

This one is a little bit to {PG} for me. If it weren't for select scenes of violence and torture Devil's Possessed could almost be a made for television movie.

The highlights of the film are dancing midgets, decapitation (complete with rolling head), a child is stabbed for no apparent reason, torture by branding, torture by stretching, a eyeball is poked out in a joust match and a man is filled with flying arrows. In one of my favorite moments we see a rotten corpse mounted like a scarecrow with a sign on him that says "He didn't pay his taxes".

Surprisingly we don't get any bare breasted women and nothing to overly gory. We get tons of sword-play and lots of cheesy characters. Devil's Possessed has limited replay value and is really only worth a watch for hardcore Paul Nashy enthusiasts. Not my top pick of Nashy flicks but none the less a decent time passer.

Scream Of The Wolf (1974)

There are a lot of bad Werewolf movies out there, The Werewolf Of Washington, My Mom's A Werewolf, The Howling Part 7 : New Moon Rising. There are so many bad ones that its hard to pick the worst. I'm not really sure if Scream Of The Wolf is any worse then the others mentioned above but none the less its pretty shitty.

This posterless, 70's made for television piece of crap is nothing more then a time waster and a bad choice at that. I suppose if I were flipping through the channels in 1974 and this one happened to be on, it might be slightly more interesting then whatever else might be on but that is still a stretch.

Scream Of The Wolf stars Leslie Nielsen look alike, Peter Graves. Which is actually kind of funny cause the two worked together in Airplane. Anyway, Peter Graves plays a author/hunter who is trying to track down the beast that has been killing the local town's folk and leaving very strange tracks. He calls upon his fellow hunting buddy Byron, who has some very weird, philosophical ideas on human life. When Byron refuses to help, Peter Graves and the locals start tooling with the idea that perhaps Byron is a Werewolf.

Due to the fact that this is a made for t.v. movie, we don't get to see any of the murders but the least they could have done is show the monster. Well sorry to break it to ya but they don't! Reason being... There is no monster. Byron is just a sick fucker living out his philosophy. He uses a pet wolf with a thirst for human blood and built some sort of a contraption that leaves abnormal footprints in order to create mass hysteria.

All in all we have a very predictable and weak plot but the end is slightly entertaining. It involves a showdown between Peter Graves and Byron. Oh and the wolf of course. Scream Of The Wolf is a ripoff as far as Werewolf flicks go and you wouldn't be missing much by skipping this one all together.