The Vampires Night Orgy (1974)

This not so great Spanish vampire flick comes from the same director of Werewolf Versus The Vampire Woman with Paul Naschy but where Werewolf Versus The Vampire Woman can be slow at times it makes up for it with some Naschy werewolf-fu and hot naked chicks. The Vampire's Night Orgy on the other hand can't even get that right. We get the slightest bit of tit from a typical Euro blond bimbo but that's about it.

This one also goes under the title of Orgy Of The Vampires and Grave Desires which I think is the more accurate title because there isn't any vampire orgies to be seen.

The plot follows a group of tourists on a bus. When the driver suddenly dies at the wheel the tourists pull into a small village which appears to be vacant and take a load off in a typical spooky castle like building. Eventually the towns people show up and the tourists are being drained of their blood, only to return as blood-suckers themselves. Jack Taylor (Succubus) who I remember best as the pectoral lecturing professor in Pieces plays the hero here but when he is not saving the day he likes to peep through little holes in the wall and watch girls get dressed in true Norman Bates fashion.

We also get an axe wielding oaf who lobs the limbs off of selected victims from the countess. Why exactly the countess orders dismemberment, I'm not exactly sure but I guess it adds a little bit of character to the movie. The film also offers up lots of maggots in scenes of decaying vampires but the best scene in the movie is the final chase scene in which Jack Taylor and his blond girlfriend speed through the village with vampires hanging off of the car. He smashes them into walls and sends them flying off his car and it makes for one hell of an entertaining scene. To bad The Vampires Night Orgy has such a horrible ripoff of an ending. The village and all of the vampires disappears into thin air and Jack Taylor stares into the camera with a look of confusion but he can't be more confused as the viewer. The only thing worse then a ending like that is the dreaded "It was all a dream" ending. Aside from the awful end the movie is entirely to dark. Its almost impossible to make certain scenes out and that always knocks a lot of points off of a movie. So unless you like to guess whats going on in your movies instead of seeing it, I wouldn't waste my time with this forgettable vampire tale. No real gore or memorable death scenes and the bare minimal of bare breasted women.

Revenge Of The Sun Demon (1983)

Revenge Of The Sun Demon also known as Whats Up, Hideous Sun Demon is not a sequel to the 1959 Robert Clarke monster movie The Hideous Sun Demon. What it is, is a reedited and re-dubbed version of the original. Obviously the success of Woody Allen's Whats Up, Tiger Lilly? Which Woody re-dubbed a Japanese flick for comedic relief was the motivation behind this project, hence the Whats Up title.

Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are sure to get a big kick out of this thing. I have to admit it was done quite well and the over dubbing is hilarious. It's hard to believe but late night televisions Jay Leno took on the voice over of the main character played by Robert Clarke. Of course Leno has never done anything else remotely as interesting before or since in his career but it adds just a little more to the bizarre nostalgia that is Revenge Of The Sun Demon. There is also some added footage, which blends in with the original film amazingly. The intro is shot in color and Mark Holton, who I remember best as Francis in Pee Wee's Big Adventure and for silly roles like The Leprechaun and Gacy (2003) shows up for his first ever screen appearance as a drunken frat boy who watches The Hideous Sun Demon with his drunk friends and mocks the classic B-movie in true MST3K fashion.

The jokes are pretty raunchy in this thing and they bring The Hideous Sun Demon to a level of perversion that I didn't know was possible. Penis, poop, sex, and body fluid jokes are constant. We also have a naked she-sun-demon on display. For once we can let someone else make the jokes for us while watching our favorite campy B-movies.

Satans Slave (1976)

Lots of gore on display in this one. We also get nudity and some Satanism for added fun but unfortunately this thing takes to long to get going and the first half of the movie is very boring.

Satan's Slave also known as Evil Heritage tells the tale of Catherine who takes a road trip or as they say in England, a holiday to her uncle Alexanders (Michael Gough) house in the country side. She has never met her uncle or her cousin and she was better off that way because her relatives are part of a satanic cult and plan on sacrificing Catherine on her 20th birthday to resurrect a priestess named Camilla.

For me the story is generic and lame but there is some value to this British piece of trash. The value of course lay within the senseless violence and gory mayhem that seems to come out of nowhere. The naked ladies doesn't hurt either and we get a decent amount of that as well. If only the movie could hold an interesting pace Satan's Slave would probably have a huge cult following.

In one of the films finest moments in all of its gory awkwardness a possessed man jumps from a tall building leaving brain matter in the street from his achy-breaky skull. Naturally the viewer thinks he is dead... that is until he tries to drag his mangled body away. It makes no sense but there is tons of red stuff. Satan's Slave's nastiest scene shows (in gory detail) a man being stabbed in the eye. A girl has her face pushed through a mirror. Then she is stabbed with the shards of broken glass. Then she is stabbed through the mouth with a kitchen knife and is left hanging off a door in true Michael Myers, Halloween fashion. A married couple is killed in a crash and burn car accident, another girl is stabbed to death, another has her achy-breaky skull smashed in a door and is then stabbed.

We also have an attempted rape scene that ends with some bitch-slapping. We get some cheesy pentagram-fu and an upside down crucifix is shoved between a women's legs in a typical 70's horror, sacrificial scene. We get a bit of incest and a naked girl covered in snakes, Another is striped, whipped and burned at the stake.

With a track record like that, I wish I loved this movie but it really is nothing more then a bad movie which happens to be a great time passer. Watch for the gore and sleaze factor and you might even find yourself into it by the films final reel. This thing was directed by the same cat who did Bloody New Year which might give you an idea on the weird pacing and awkward tone that runs throughout.

Enter The Dragon (1973)

Enter The Dragon is probably the most important Kung Fu movie ever made, at least for American audiences. Reason being that is the first of its kind. Never before has an American production taken on a Chinese martial arts project and to take it on  such a high scale is a story all in its own.

Aside from being Americas first mainstream introduction to martial arts cinema, Enter The Dragon is also probably the sole reason for African Americans on going fascination with Kung Fu films mainly due to the introduction of Blaxploitation icon Jim Kelly, who would go on to do Black Belt Jones, with the same director. Personally I feel that Jim Kelly and Enter The Dragon had a huge impact on Americas black community and although Jim Kelly was a supporting actor to the commodity that is Bruce Lee, he certainly had a impact on cinema in his own way.

Of course it is Bruce Lee who brings the real life to this classic. Lee takes what would have probably been a generic Kung Fu flick and turns it into something meaningful. Looking at Enter The Dragon from the outside, one might think it is a typical one hundred minute spectacle of exploitative violence and although we get our fair share of slap-em-silly scenes, Bruce manages to add his personal philosophical views into the story and the violence is never uncalled for. "You can call it fighting without fighting". On the other hand Lee's choreography is meticulous and the fights look so real that it is almost impossible to believe that his enemies are not really being hit. Lee kicks the ass of dozens upon dozens of opponents. Some of the highlights consist of a broken bottle brawl that ends with Lee jump kicking his opponent across the screen, through a crowd of people and into some chairs. We also get a bad-ass muscle man who crushes his victims with his bare hands, leaving broken dead bodies to be dragged away. The character of Bruce Lee's sister puts on a good ass-kicking show before committing suicide. Faces are slashed with switchblades, heads are crushed with nun chucks, we have some poisonous snake action, prostitutes with painted faces, heroin addicted slaves, and what has to be the most memorable fight sequences in Kung Fu history involving a man with a claw for a hand battling it out with Bruce Lee in a room full of mirrors. John Saxon also has a pretty big role which is also a big plus and we even get a bit of tit from some sexy Asian ladies.

Although Bruce Lee says martial artists should never follow a style, Enter The Dragon has enough style to remain a classic for ever.

The Poseidon Adventure (1972)

Poseidon Adventure is probably the greatest action/adventure flick of all time and it never seems to get old. Personally not being the biggest fan of these types of movies its pretty weird how obsessed with this film I am.

Right off the bat we have an amazing cast that merge together perfectly. We have Leslie Nielson as the captain of The Poseidon which will be hit by a massive wave that looks more like a wall of water. The Poseidon will be tipped upside down and of the 14000 passengers on board, only a handful will survive. Some of the survivors and non survivors aboard the ship consist of Gene Hackman who plays a renegade priest. Then we have the great Ernest Borgnine as the rude and crude loud mouth cop from New York along with his wife who is a ex prostitute played by Stella Stevens (Slaughter). Shelly Winters, who also has some blaxploitation credits to her name, such as Cleopatra Jones, has a big role as well. Rody Mcdowall (Class Of 1984, Fright Night) also appears along with Jack Albertson who I remember best as grandpa from Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. Together they race against time as the sea watter pours in and follows them through the ship. The thing that makes this movie so interesting is that since the ship is upside down they have to work their way up to the bottom of the ship where they will try to exit.

The Poseidon Adventure offers up suspense and good acting but some extra bonus's are a dead hippie, a fat woman has a heart attack, two dead priests (one of which has a screaming match with god), death by electrocution, lots of death by drowning, death by fire, Stella Stevens panty-shots, "Just Panties, what else do I need?", and a whole lot of death defying action.

Although this was a huge box office hit The Poseidon Adventure has a huge cult following. I am part of that following and so is just about everybody else who gives it a watch. Skip the three useless remakes and stick with this timeless original.

Toxic Avenger (1984)

Here it is, the one that started it all. Back in 1984 this low budget tale of a nerd who falls into a barrel of toxic waste only to become a super hero that crushes the bad guys in gruesome ways, became such a hit that it spawned its own children's television show called Toxic Crusaders, Cereal, Children's action figures and more. Sure this was an oddity even for the 80's but thinking back on it now it just proves how different the world we live in really is. This sort of thing would never happen today. There will never again be a independent film that depicts rape and over the top graphic violence that will spawn children's action figures.

The Toxic Avenger reflects the ridiculousness of comic book super hero's but is done with as little taste and class as possible. We have scenes of children being run over in the street by hit and run drivers who are playing a sort of Death Race 2000. We see the kids shattered body laying in a pool of blood in the middle of the street after the first collision but the car comes back again for some achy-breaky skull action (complete with head explosion), Then there is the fact that the movie is loaded with bare breasts, we get a black on white rape scene, a seeing eye dog is blown away with a shotgun, arms are ripped off, hands are stuck in deep fryers. We get gratuitous genital punching, heads are smashed together, eyeballs are poked out, etc. Despite the silly subject matter there are also some political messages thrown in for added fun. We have a Nazi police officer, a fat corrupt politician and the whole thing is some sort of warped message against pollution. In one of the best scenes a drug dealer has his achy-breaky skull smashed to bits from a weight machine in a gym.

The movie also has its share of stunts. We have people running down the street on fire. A cop has his hands catch fire and the skin melts away, some crazy car chase scenes, people being thrown around, men fall from bridges and we even get car explosions.

These were the days for Troma Studios. Class Of Nuke Em High would shortly follow as would Troma's War. Countless films would try to copy, mimic and ripoff the chaotic film making style of The Toxic Avenger and most would fail. The Toxic Avenger is always a perfect pick for a totally insane and mind-numbing time. The perfect movie to watch with a bunch of drunk friends.

Point Of Terror (1971)

I wouldn't exactly call this early 70's flick a horror movie. It's more of a thriller then anything else. I suppose it has elements of a mystery as well but it really is just a thriller. Personally not being the biggest fan of thrillers it is no surprise that this film didn't have to much hold on me.

Point Of Terror tells the tale of a greedy nightclub singer who will do anything to become a star. He decides to manipulate an older woman named Andrea, played by Dyanne (Ilsa : She Wolf Of The S.S.) Thorne who is partial owner in her husbands big time record company. The tables are turned on our singer when we learn that Andrea is more manipulative and vindictive then he. Mix in some blackmail, jelousy and murder and a typically depressing 70's ending and you have Point Of Terror.

This thing comes from the sometimes good but most of the time awful Crown International and while watching for the first time I couldn't help but be reminded of Blood Mania which makes sense because it has many of the same cast and crew members. Where it was most obvious was in the cinematography and lighting departments but even the pace and tone were very similar. Since I am perhaps the worlds only fan of Blood Mania, I sort of had high hopes for this one but was sadly let down with the films boring plot and awful song and dance routine from our main character. The music is as bad as can be and so is the wardrobe but there were still some elements that helped me get through this one in one sitting. The first of course being the Dyanne Thorne breasts on display. The second being the nice camera work and the oh so familiar Blood Mania style lighting. Point Of Terror also offers up some male nudity for all the ladies out there. We also get a scene in which a wheelchair bound man is drowned in a swimming pool, a gialo-esque stabbing, achy-breaky skulls (complete with a woman being thrown off a cliff, leaving a shattered skull on the rocks), gun wounds to the gut, excessive drinking and a scene in which Dyanne Thorn spreads em in a teasing up-skirt shot. 

This one really isn't worth watching unless of course you are a die hard Thorne fan. I would recommend Blood Mania over this one any day.

The Invisible Man (1933)

Two years after the classic Boris Karloff Frankenstein and two years before its sequel Bride Of Frankenstein, the genius horror director James Whale gives us The Invisible Man, starring Claude Rains in his signature role as the mad scientist who's bandages conceal his invisible identity.

Although Rains only did one film before The Invisible Man and his acting skills weren't much to be desired, his voice on the other hand was. Rains was carefully selected for this role due to his distinct voice that couldn't be duplicated. Where Vincent Price who stared in The Invisible Man Returns would later be remembered for the same reason, Rains unique vocals were due to a tragic attack in World War I when he was subjected to a poison gas, that left him blind in one eye and forever altered his voice. Oddly enough Rains had a speech impediment through the younger years of his life. The fact that he could not pronounce the letter R in a sentence properly and a thick Cockney accent on top of it, its amazing that the stage actor would become famous for the very thing that stood in his way through his youth.

Casted along Claude Rains is James Whale favorite Una O'connor who I remember best as the shrieking old hag in Bride Of Frankenstein. She goes about the same obnoxious routine in this one and I usually hold my ears while she is present on the screen but we do have the privilege of watching Una being hit with pint glasses in a surprisingly violent and satisfying scene. To bad nobody broke a bottle over her head in The Bride Of Frankenstein... John Carradine also shows up for a cameo as a street moron who wastes the police time with idiotic phone calls. We also have a police officer who strikes an incredible resemblance to the guard in A Clockwork Orange but of course it is not the same actor.  We also get Gloria Stuart from James Whales The Old Dark House and would go on to do the crap-tastic 90's blockbuster hit Titanic as The Invisible Man's girlfriend. H.G. Wells is the genius behind the story but Universal Studios took the film into a much darker territory with madness and murder.

The Invisible Man tells the tale of a scientist (Claude Rains) who comes up with a concoction of drugs that turn living beings invisible once injected under the skin. There is only two problems. The first being that Rains is using himself as a guinea pig and the second being that one of the drugs is "Monocaine" which strips the color away from any subject but also has a negative side affect. It has been known to cause insanity. Well Rains most certainly is stripped of color and he also goes very violent. Overwhelmed with thoughts of power and control The Invisible Man becomes a murderer "We'll begin with a reign of terror, a few murders here and there, murders of great men, murders of little men, just to show we make no distinction" but how do the police catch a man they can not see?

The Invisible Man blends humor and horror better then most. It also offers up amazing special effects of the time and the film holds up even today. The effects look better in this 1933 picture then they did in Hallow Man with Kevin Bacon, that's for sure. The film also offers up some achy-breaky skulls (complete with text books to the head and bodies being thrown down stairs) We get some invisible bike riding, invisible bank robbing, One dead cop who has a bench smashed into his achy-breaky skull, death by car off the edge of the cliff (complete with crash and burn). gun violence, invisible slap-stick ass-kicking, and apparently The Invisible Man doesn't wear any underwear. Check it out for one of the best in the Universal Studio's classic horror collection.

Revenge Of The Creature (1955)

This 1955 follow up to the far superior Creature From The Black Lagoon takes the creature out of the amazon and into civilization. When the creature was killed and left floating in the water that was all a joke... The creature was only comatose and the scientist brought him home where they will place him in a tank as an attraction for all the world to come see "The Gill Man" on display.

John Agar who would fight everything from Tarantula to The Mole People and the shittiest monster of all time in Night Fright, plays the hero who has to protect the new bikini-clad bimbette. We get similar under water shots of our new blond sex appeal taunting the creature with her shapely body but it doesn't come off as affective as the original with Julie Adams.

The mission is to study the creature and eventually civilize him. Of course the best way to go about this is to electrocute him and give him various beatings. Its not long before the creature breaks free and kills some of the staff that has been tormenting him. The creature flips over a car and sends tourists running scared and eventually makes his way to the ocean.

But instead of going home the creature continues his pervy ways and tracks down his new swimming beauty. He is overly sneaky in this one and stays true to his voyeuristic ways and watches her change from her window. Then he kills her "boyfriend" who happens to be a German Sheppard named Chris. He even shows up to a rockin diner party and gives the people a good scare. The creature eventually gets his scaly hands on his girl and takes her along the river banks, leaving a trail of dead bodies. John Agar comes to the rescue with the help of the police force and shoots the creature dead. Jack Arnold uses the same exact death scene from the first film but this time we won't be fooled. We know he will be back for Creature Walk Among Us, where he walk in the sun and breathe like a man.

Revenge Of The Creature doesn't hold the originality of the first film but is still a fun watch for 50's monster movie fans. It has a level of camp that can keep the audience chuckling even through the slow talky scenes. The 3-D doesn't work as well in the sequel either but the film still manages to hold a certain social commentary on the evils of man towards nature. Check it out for skimpy 50's bathing suites, John Agar-Fu, A Gill-Man, and Clint Eastwood's first appearance of all time.

Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954)

Its no secret that in the 50's these monster movies main audience was teenage boys but Creature From The Black Lagoon was its own entity. Young boys became obsessed with this tale of a half man half fish who terrorize a group of scientists and the pretty young brunette that joins them.

Parents were baffled by their teenage son's fixation on the creature. Was it the beautiful bikini-clad Julie Adams? Was it the creature himself? Or was it the concoction of the two? Horny adolescents of the 50's felt a connection with the creature who's curiosity for the female gender leads to misinterpretation from others and a frustration that turns violent from the creature.
Watching it today it is understandable why. The scenes of Julie Adams swimming in her white pin-up style bathing suite almost gives off the visual that she is nude do to the carefully planned camera angles. The creature swims beneath her horizontally in a sort of voyeuristic way and at the same time symbolizes sexual contact, with the Lagoon becoming a sort of bed for the swimming couple.

Then of course we have some social commentary on mankind. With scenes of littering cigarette butts into one of the few places that man hasn't yet corrupted through greed and carelessness. Every nature gone wrong flick seems to exploit this factor. After all the animals need a reason for revenge don't they? This time around the scientist poison the waters with the hopes of poisoning the creature but instead they kill everything else around them. (Sounds typical of the human race doesn't it?) All the fish and the wild life in the lagoon are poisoned and killed and left floating limp in the water. Now its time for the creature to have his revenge and of course grab the girl.

Being lucky enough to catch this thing in the theater twice with nifty 3-D spectacles, I can't help but hold Creature From The Black Lagoon a bit closer to my heart then the average 50's monster movie. The 3-D works surprisingly well with this film. Especially scenes in which fish are on the screen. The fish seem to be floating right past your head at times but oddly enough the action scenes don't work quite as well.

Jack Arnold would go on to do the inferior sequel Revenge Of The Creature and eventually another nature gone wrong epic Tarantula. The creature trilogy is wrapped up with one final gill-man flick called Creature Walks Among Us which portrays the creature as a ground walking victim of science taken from his natural habitat. While the later two films should be seen for at least no other then nostalgia reasons the first is a must. Its a true classic!

My Mom's A Werewolf (1989)

Nothing of any value going on here, unless of course you like really shitty comedies from the 80's that dabble in the horror genre.

Mrs. Shaber is a married woman with a pretty daughter but hubby just isn't paying any attention to here anymore. I don't think I can blame him because I wish I could ignore her myself. She has an overbite, her cheeks hang low (and this is before the Werewolf transformation) plus she is a terrible actress. Anyway, Mrs. Shaber's life is about to take a drastic change when she meets a handsome werewolf named Harry Thropen (Hairy Lycanthrope... Get it?) played by the one and only John Saxon (Tenebre, The Glove, Black Christmas, Hands Of Steele). For the life of me I can not figure out why John Saxon is in this piece of shit and I certainly can't figure out why he was casted as the mysterious, handsome one. Well, anyway Mr. Thropen seduces Mrs. Shaber with the help of a bit of hypnotism and bites her toes in some raunchy foot fetish action. Mrs. Shaber runs off and surprises her family for the next full moon.

Aside from John Saxon, Forrest J. Ackerman (Creator of Famous Monsters magazine) appears in a horror convention. Ackerman has no lines but its great to see his face in a moving crowd. So what the movie offers is MR. Saxon, Mr. Ackerman, some nerdy rants about horror movies, horror movie posters such as Prime Evil and Galaxina, and Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs are on the soundtrack. Other then that My Mom's A Werewolf is a total utter piece of shit that needs to be avoided at all costs. Its not funny, its not witty, its not creepy, its not gory, its not sexy, its just there collecting dust on my shelf and as far as werewolf comedies go, American Werewolf In London will always be number one. I'm pretty sure this one was just cashing in on the Monster Squad fad or was it an epidemic?

Heavenly Daze (1948)

This is one of the weirdest of all Three Stooges shorts. Shemp dies but can't make it into heaven untill he reforms Moe and Larry. Shemp gets a lightning bolt in the ass and is sent back to earth as a ghost where he will act out his mission.

Instead of leading Moe and Larry down a ritouse path Shemp takes advantage of the fact that the other two Stooges can't see or hear him and beats them both silly. I guess all those beatings Shemp has endured from Moe over the years are finally justified in this short. Shemp throws drinks in their faces and kicks them in the ass any chance he gets. Not to mention the good ole sewing needle to the ass gag.

Moe invents a pen that can write under whipped cream and plans to sell it to a rich collector but Shemp messes that one up for his pals as well in a scene that ends in a typical Stooges mess. Whipped cream goes flying and Larry has the pen embedded into his skull in a brilliantly violent moment. Heavenly Daze also offers up the slightest bit of racism from a typical 1940's black butler who is scared of ghosts. Shemp also pulls off a great stunt in which he sets his ass on fire "Hey Larry! He's been smoking in bed again! Get the water and the axe!" and he jumps around a room as it spreads up to his lower back. Gotta love it!

Hardcore (1979)

This is the perfect movie for a guy like me! It depicts sleazy America in the 1970's and all the exploits that movie-houses, peep-shows and seedy book stores had to offer of the time. Hardcore is chock full of prostitutes, pornography and eventually snuff.

Written and directed by Paul Shrader the creator of Taxi Driver and Blue Collar and staring George C. Scott as a wealthy business man who seems to have the perfect life until his daughter goes missing. When the police can't help, George C. Scott hires Peter Boyle who I remember best as the hippie killer in Joe (1969) as a private detective. When private dick Boyle learns that the missing girl has become part of a porn ring and has done a Stag film he brings George C. Scott to a dirty old grindhouse to watch his daughter on the big screen, in what is one of the best melt-downs in cinematic history. George C. Scott looses his marbles as he is forced to watch his daughter do the dirty with some scuzzy hippie types. "Turn it off!"

From here on Hardcore goes into darker territory as C. Scott continues his search for his daughter. He learns the hard way that the world is filled with filth and isn't the nice wholesome life that he was accustomed to. We ultimately find out that the missing girl is in great danger and she is mixed up with a man named Ratan who runs a snuff ring in the pornography racket. We watch a girl in a submissive bondage hood have her throat cut with a switchblade and a man is stabbed in the guts. George C. Scott must find his daughter before she ends up dead herself.

Hardcore blends drama, horror, mystery and black-comedy together for a brilliantly unforgettable walk through the nasty corners of the 70's. In one of my favorite scenes George C. Scott posses as a porno producer complete with 70's mustache, Sonny Bono wig and a tye-dye shirt. A big black porn star named Big Dick Blaque shows up and delivers an overly sleazy performance complete with groin grabbing and some incredibly filthy lines. "I'm Big Dick Blaque. I worked with Harry Reems and Johnny The Wad. I can cum 10 times in one day, I can keep it up for two hours straight... I know what it is... You just don't wanna hire niggers." Then we have some violent fist fights in vengeance scenes (complete with achy-breaky skulls and a lamp being smashed into the face), We also get a chain fight, a bullet to the guts and lots of naked breasts and bush.

Aside from the awesome, raunchy story, the acting is really good. One can't help but feel for George C. Scott's character. The lighting really adds to this film as does the locale and sets. Hardcore is a must see for fans of darker cinema from the 70's. In the ranks of Taxi Driver and Cruising.