Black Belt Jones (1974)

Jim (The Dragon) Kelly plays Black Belt Jones and he is as ridiculous as the genre will allow him to be. Not in the Rudy Ray Moore way, with a foul mouth and slick 70's jargon. In fact he is a gentlemen... Or at least until someone gets in his way. If you do Mr. Jones wrong he will give you a kung fu ass kickin.

For this reason Black Belt Jones reminds me a lot of Dolemite and the Kung Fu is equally as silly but not because Jim Kelly is awful... Its more because of his over the top indescribable "Keya" and the often hilarious faces he is making while performing his martial arts. He also reminds me a bit of Fred Williamson when he is trying to be sexy, slick or romantic with a lady.

No matter how ridiculous Black Belt Jones is, he is the man needed when the Italian mafia team up with a black gangster named Pinky and his "Bogart's" ("Bogart's is some treacherous motha fuckas"). Together the criminals try to take over a Karate school run by no other then Scatman Cruthers. When Scatman refuses to give up his school, the gangsters come at him hard and we get to see Mr. Cruthers do some Kung Fu and dish out a ass whoopin. The gangsters eventually kill the smiling, pearly-toothed Scatman and Black Belt Jones teams up with Sydney (Scatmans bad-ass Kung Fu daughter). Together Jones and Sydney kick the ass of every mobster, gangster, pimp, pusher and criminal who had any affiliation with the teachers death.
Black Belt Jones also offers some pool hall violence, flying "Panties in my face", girls on trampolines, lots of Afro's, a really ridiculous chase scene, gratuitous "Faggot" calling and a really crazy final fight that takes place in a car wash that is over filled with suds and soap. Another thing that one can't help but notice is that every second another person seems to be thrown through a window. Even Black Belt Jones knows how to relax because when the fighting is all done he likes to hang out with his friends at McDonald's. 
So grab a Big Mac, throw your friends though a window and check out Black Belt Jones, I'm sure you will give it a Jim Kelly thumbs-up!

Diary Of A Closeted Nun (1973)

Diary Of A Nun also known as Diary Of A Cloistered Nun, Unholy Convent and many more is the tale of a girl with an arranged marriage from birth who falls in love with another man. When she refuses to marry, her father sends her off to a nunnery. "If you don't want your daughter to be completely destroyed, get her to a nunnery."

Once inside the convent, things will only get worse for the young nun. First her worldly possessions are taken from her. Next she is stripped and eye-balled by perverted nuns. Then she is locked in a concrete room for 30 days, where she is on the brink of insanity. Inside her concrete cell she is fed beans and water once a day, except on Fridays. Fridays are a day of absence. She is also given a bucket for body fluids and is allowed to wash but under no circumstances is she allowed to speak with her sisters until her 30 days are up. Well the young nun makes it through her trial period without killing herself but that might have been her biggest mistake. From here on she is subjected to perversion, torture and religious madness. Her lover is eventually killed and her father along with the rest of her family disowned her. She is eventually impregnated and banished from the convent.
Diary Of A Closeted Nun is one hell of a depressing movie but its surprisingly clean for a film in the nunsploitation genre. Apparently its based on a true story, which I'm not so sure I believe (After all this is an exploitation flick). We do get a bit of blood but not much at all. One man has his face slashed and another is stabbed in the guts. Then we have a whipping scene and a drowned nun. Diary Of A Closeted Nun does offer up a decent amount of bare flesh but the real shocker of this film is the down trodden path this poor girl is forced to walk.
Fans of ultra trashy Nunsploitation flicks like The Killer Nun will probably be disappointed with this one but anyone who is willing to give it a try might be surprised. Its actually an example of a nun film with some real emotion behind it and a touch of sleaze for good measures. I couldn't help but be reminded of the work of Tinto Brass while watching this one.

Horror Express (1972)

Christopher Lee plays an English anthropologist who discovers a frozen corpse in North Asia which he believes to be proof of evolution. Lee boards a train with his fossil locked in a big crate and its not long before the frozen body thaws out and wreaks havoc on the people aboard the train.

The monster looks pretty cool. Kind of a cross between a Lucio Fulci zombie and a sort of Bigfoot. Its not long before the people realize there is a creature on the train and they star forming they're own opinions on what the creature is. Is he in fact just a thawed out caveman? The religious people think its the devil. The ones who believe in science think its a alien from another planet. The different ideas help keep Horror Express moving along at a nice pace and it stays interesting.
The movie really starts to get good when Telly Savalas (Dirty Dozen, Lisa And The Devil) shows up as a fascist Russian soldier. Savalas enters the train with authority and beats the people for information. When he learns that there is a monster on the train he is ready for war.
Peter Cushing has a big role in this one. He plays a doctor and in one of his finer scenes we get to see Mr. Cushing cut open a head with a hack-saw.

Aside from the head sawing scene Horror Express does have a bit of the red stuff. I wouldn't go as far as to say its gory but it has just enough to satisfy the average horror fanatic. The blood is accompanied by bulging eyeballs that appear to have no pigment left. The blood pours out from the white, bulging eyes and I found it to be slightly disturbing at times.
Another memorable character is a monk. Who rejects his religion for the creature. The monk believes the creature to be Satan and decides to help and protect the monster.
Before the films final, The monster summons up all of his victims and the white eyed corpses come back to life as staggering zombies.
Horror Express is a cool little British/Spanish horror flick from the 70's and it definitely does not disappoint. Usually British films are very tame and tend to not deliver. This is not the case with Horror Express.

Multiple Maniacs (1970)

Multilple Maniacs is perhaps the most punk rock movie ever made and is amongst my personal favorite John Waters films. Its right up there with Pink Flamingos. Its just as filthy and seems a little more on the artsy side at the same time. Of course Multiple Maniacs blew its chunks across art-house screens a good four or so years before the punk explosion but it is the attitude of the nihilistic punk rockers to come that takes form in this brilliant piece of disgust-o-rama.

Divine is a psychopath who runs a freak show called Lady Divines Cavalcade Of Perversions. At this show locals gather together to watch "Queers" kiss each other, girls lick bicycle seats, Junkies go into convulsions from withdrawal, and a man eat his own vomit.

I know this sounds like quite the show but what the viewers do not know is that when they make it to the main attraction and are about to see Lady Divine herself, they will be tied up and have their "Cash, jewelry, furs and narcotics" stolen. Then the traveling freak show of criminals will move to the next city.
Throughout the film Divine sinks further and further into depravity until the end where he/she runs through city streets (Wearing some very ugly lingerie) killing people.
Multiple Maniacs is truly 90 minutes of filth and we get all kinds of sick, trashy happenings. One of the most memorable scenes takes place in a church between Divine and Mink Stole. Divine gets down on the pew while Mink gives her a "rosary job". Yes you guessed it, rosary beads are being used as anal beads. Multiple Maniacs is completely blasphemous with long rantings about Jesus the pope and the catholic church and all of the "Divine" spirit that comes with it. We also get to see Jesus being tortured, spat on and eventually crucified. We have a little boy dressed as the pope as he walks the streets with Divine in drag.
The film also offers up some nasty slash-em-up scenes that were obviously inspired by the Manson Family murders. There is a really nasty cannibalism scene where Divine eats raw meat and tries to look away from the camera every time she is gonna puke. We also get a crazy moment where Divine is raped by a bearded tranny in a dress and a butch woman. Divine (of course) loves it. There is cop killing, lots of witty foul language and before the film is over we get a huge monster. A giant lobster monster shows up after Divine goes ape shit and kills everyone in the room. The monster then rapes Divine.
Anybody who likes Pink Flamingos, Female Trouble, Desperate Living or any of John Waters other trashy films will love this movie. Its also one of his earliest. It is the first "Talkie" that Waters has ever done and it is well worth the watch. Just make sure to grab yourself a Brillo pad because after watching Multiple Maniacs youre gonna need it to scrub the filth off.

Chinese Torture Chamber Story (1994)

Chinese Torture Chamber Story is a totally off the wall Category III flick. Its anarchy from beginning to end. My VHS print doesn't have the best subtitles but its rare when these Cat. III films are some what coherent.

Its a simple tale of a man and his pretty young servant named Little Cabbage whom are wrongfully tortured and sentenced to death by the court for adultery. The couple were framed by the jealous wife of the servants master. Will little cabbage die a virgin? Will her loyal master be executed in front of his village? I will not give the ending away but what I will say is that the torture scenes are relentless. Some of the tortures that Chinese Torture Chamber offers up are castrations, scalping, breast bondage, canning's, whippings, sharp objects are shoved under finger nails while other finger nails are just ripped off with a pair of pliers. We have people being strung up by their hair and whipped, thumb screwing, giant dildos are put to use, we have people walking across broken glass on their knees, rolling across nails, etc. etc.

Aside from the torture scenes, this movie is extremely perverse. One character has a penis that is so big that it almost touches the floor and he can never have sex with a woman or he will "screw her to death". Well lets just say this guy has some strange masturbation habits and his penis eventually gets so big that it explodes and blood sprays all over the place, leaving his virgin wife soaked with his red dick blood. Then we have all these strange sex toys and devices. We also get a crazy sex scene with a couple that likes it so rough that they break beds and go through walls. Of course they keep screwing all the while. We also get a rape scene involving an invisible man. The scene was done surprisingly well. The editing is perfect and the young rape victim actress is convincing as she flails her arms around and he clothing goes flying. Then we have the most infamous scene. Its almost impossible to explain the madness of this scene, it really does have to be seen to be believed. It involves a sort of kung fu couple who fly through the air and  have what can only be explained as kung-fu-sex. The couple bounce from tree to tree while performing every sexual position on each other. All the while they are yelling at one another and showing off they're new technique. Try to picture a woman yelling at her man that he won't be able to handle or counteract her new move and then they jump up in the air and the woman flips upside down and lands on the mans face in a standing up 69 position. This is the kind of thing that is in store for you when watching A Chinese Torture Chamber Story.
This is probably my favorite Cat. III film to date. There are tons in the genre that I am yet to see, including big titles such as Sex And Zen but this one just has it all going on. Its sleazy, cruel, funny, chaotic and it still makes sense unlike others in the genre that tried to go this rout. I strongly recommend this one to anyone who isn't offended easily and is sick and tired of conventional cinema. Take a chance with this Hong Kong piece of filth!

The Bat (1959)

Vincent Price and Darla Hood who most would remember as Darla from Our Gang join up in a murder mystery with killer bats. Well Darla is all grown up for this one and shes no longer a Little Rascal. The funny thing is that in this one she is supposed to be the pretty one but she is probably the ugliest girl in the film.

The Bat is a mystery/thriller about a killer who is on the loose. The killer known as The Bat wears a black ski mask and leather gloves with sharp claws on the fingers. He also infects real bats with rabies and sets them loose on his victims. The Bat stalks four girls in a mansion and kills them one by one along with a few other victims because The Bat believes that the mansion contains a secret room with a million dollars hidden inside which was stolen from a bank. The thing that makes this mystery work so well is that there are a bunch of people who are searching for the stolen cash and we get a bunch of red herrings. I personally had no clue who the killer was until the very end. Another thing is that most of the characters appear to be violent or criminals themselves.
Vincent price does an alright job as a doctor who is caught up in the middle of the mystery. He could be the killer but then again, anyone can be the killer. This movie almost reminded me of a early slasher because of the setting. Four girls in a mansion and a violent killer on the loose. For this reason I couldn't help but wish the movie was a little more violent but this is a 50's flick so I suppose the film is okay for what it is. Its worth a watch for Price fans or anyone who likes mystery's.

Black Caesar (1973)

What do you get when Larry Cohen and Fred Williamson make a movie together? You get two of the best Blaxploitation flicks ever made, Black Caesar and Hell Up In Harlem. I saw these movies in the wrong order. Started with Hell Up In Harlem and then Black Caesar. They are two of my favorites in the genre and definitely in my top five.
This one starts off with a young black kid named Tommy Gibbs who does small jobs for criminals in New York city. He gets into a bit of trouble with a crooked cop and gets a pretty bad beating but this doesn't stop Tommy. In fact it just makes his desire for power through crime even stronger.

The movie jumps to the future and Tommy Gibbs is all grown up and played by the genre legend Fred Williamson. Fred doesn't play this early flick off as his usual play boy self. Instead he is mean, relentless and ruthless. Tommy Gibbs takes over Harlem and starts killing off the Italian mobsters. The character of Tommy is so cold hearted that he beats his friends, rapes his wife and even tries to kill his own father.
Its not long before the Italian families decide to wipe Tommy Gibbs out. They start off by killing all of his bodyguards and then they make a move on him. We get one of the greatest chase scenes in action films near the end. Tommy catches a bullet in the gut and escapes to a cab as mobsters follow through city streets. Tommy fights em all off and even strangles one in broad day light, in the middle of city streets. He manages to escape and kills off a few more enemies, including the dirty cop who did him wrong as a child. Tommy paints the cops face black and makes him perform Al Jolson acts. "Sing Mammy, sing it! Sing Mammy, Niger." and then he beats the cop to death. Still at this point in the film Tommy Black Caesar Gibbs still has a bullet in his gut and he is bleeding to death. He makes it to the ghetto where he thinks he is safe but the mean street kids beat him and leave him for dead after stealing his watch.
Black Caesar, although being a exploitation film still makes some powerful suggestions and in my opinion is one of the best in the genre. Both Caesar and its sequel seem to be slightly above many of the others, in the same league with The Mack.

Howard The Duck (1986)

This one was a childhood favorite of mine. I used to sit around with my best friend and rotate this movie and The Goonies. We knew every line and would rewind and fast forward to our favorite parts. Looking back on it now I find it funny that this was considered a children's movie. How did this thing ever get a PG rating? Howard The Duck is filled with perversion and makes constant reference to bestiality.

In one of the most memorable scenes Lea Thompson (from Back To The Future) enters the bedroom where Howard is sleeping, wearing nothing but a short belly-shirt tank top and pink panties. When she bends over to make the bed Howard checks out her ass and says "I have a new respect for the female human anatomy". Lea makes a move on The Duck and as she unbuttons his pajamas the feathers on his head stand up erect. The inter species couple eventually fall in love and its a pretty weird relationship. It just feels like a sex scene is going to break out at any moment.
Then we have this swingers club where people are screwing in pools and on benches as Howard walks around smoking cigars and smoking cigars he does a lot of. If he is not smoking cigars he is probably drinking beer. Even the trailer states that his favorite hobbies are cigars, beer and sex. None of these things would be shown in a kids movie today. The perverse moments go on and on. We get a scene where Howard is reading a pornographic duck magazine called  Play Duck. Then we have a female duck bathing with big breasts and nipples exposed to the camera.

Howard The Duck eventually shifts gears and turns into a monster movie. Jeffrey Jones plays a scientist named Dr. Jennings and he is caught up in a explosion while trying to send Howard back to his own planet. The explosion causes Jennings to start changing. He becomes a huge Ray Harryhausen type of stop motion creature. Howard goes to war with the monster in order to save Earth.
Aside from the big monster, there is a lot of violence in this movie right from the beginning. We got all kinds of violent characters from punks and skins to bikers and kung fu ducks. In the beginning of the movie a couple of punks try to rape Lea Thompson. This is the fist time we get to see Howard use his "Quack Fu". 
The only problem with the movie is that it runs a little long. I finishes up at 110 minutes. If they kept it at the 90 minute mark the movie would have probably went by at a nicer speed. Still Howard The Duck is a fun look back to a few decades back when sex & violence was on the menu for children's movies. Its full of crazy 80's special effects, 80's hair, and it is far from the p.c. crap that the kids are forced to watch today. So get your kids together and show them a nice bestiality flick from the past. I guarantee they will throw out their Finding Nemo dvds.

Afros, Macks And Zodiacs (1995)

This is the perfect fix for fans of Blaxploitation films and Trailer Junkies. Rudy Ray Moore is our host and although he is getting a bit old. He still looks good in that pimped-out suit and surrounded by pretty black babes including one who looks remarkably like young Pam Grier. Rudy doesn't waste any time talking about the history of Blaxploitation flicks or even anything about the genre. Instead he tells a joke here and there between sets of trailers.
The trailers on this thing are great. We pretty much get every big Blaxploitation movie trailer and then some. This compilation is available through Something Weird Video and the box states Volume 1, insinuating that there would be another to come but just by watching this thing it is obvious that there could never really be a second volume because all the big titles like The Mack, Foxy Brown and Dolemite were already used up. The second volume would be totally obscure movies and I'm sure they had a hard enough time finding the trailers for many of the big titles on this one. Most of the really good trailers on this compilation I already owned or have seen but there was a handful that I have never seen before. Monkey Hustle is one that really grabbed my attention. Jim Kelly also appears on this compilation before the end credits come up and if you ever wondered what it would be like if Black Belt Jones and Dolemite went at it, the answer is on this video. So check it out you poobutt motha fucka!

The Gorilla (1939)

The Gorilla is more of a comedy and less of a horror movie. Its more of a mystery then a thriller and its more of a Ritz Brothers movie then a Bela Lagosi movie. I have never heard of or seen the Ritz Brothers until this movie but I think I have a pretty good feel for who they are and how they act.
They are pretty silly guys and I personally find them funny but they over do their Abbot And Costello routine a bit to much. Or at least they do in The Gorilla.

Bela Lagosi plays a butler with some crazy Kung Fu moves. Okay maybe they are not so crazy but he does know some martial arts and uses them on the Ritz Brothers. Unfortunately Lagosi doesn't have all that much screen time because the film is using him as a red herring. They want us to believe that Lagosi is the killer known as The Gorilla. Of course in the end Lagosi turns out to be a good guy with some creepy mannerism's.
On the other hand The Gorilla does have a guy running around in a giant ape suit and these movies although never really good still appeal me. We have this one really cool scene where the killer Gorilla dangles a woman by her arm from a roof top. The Gorilla hates females and we know this because we are told over and over again. Another thing that I find completely ridiculous about this one is that the characters think the Gorilla can read and write. The Gorilla is supposed to be sending death threats through written letters and that's one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. If ya like dumb, The Gorilla might be a decent pass time but if watching another duo mimic Abbot and Costello might piss you off then stay far away.

Dolemite (1975)

One of the worst or best in Blaxploitation films depending on how you look at it. As the opening credits states "Rudy Ray Moore is Dolemite" and he is completely ridiculous in every sense of the word. His jive rantings go on and on. Some in rhyme and some not, most incoherent. Dolemite is rude, crude and as stereotypical as he can get. "Dolemite is my name and fuckin up motha fucka's is my game" Hes not lying. Rudy Ray Moore may not have any martial arts skills but that just makes it all the more fun to watch him and his army of Kung Fu girls beat the shit out of anyone who crosses them.
The movie starts off with Dolemite being released from prison. It is up to him to bring down the crooks who framed him and landed him in his cell in the first place. The men to blame rang from pimps to cops and politicians.

As usual with these Blaxploitation films the line between hero and villain is very vague because Dolemite himself is a murdering pimp. The good guys in these movies are never exactly good guys and I suppose that's part of the reason why they are so much fun. We get a priest who is involved in a illegal gun racket. Then we got my favorite character Creeper also known as The Hamburger Pimp. The Hamburger Pimp is a junkie with a really cool strut. He might be the only character in the movie who is as hard to understand as our hero. Hamburger Pimp gets killed off pretty quick and unfortunately he doesn't have to much screen time. Someone should make a prequel and give Hamburger Pimp his just screen time.
The we got D'Urville Martin as Willie Green the main villain. D'Urville is a true pioneer in this genre and hes great in everything he been in from Black Caesar and Hell Up In Harlem to Boss Nigger and The Legend Of Nigger Charlie.
Dolemite also offers up plenty of nudity including a bit of penis. We have lots of breasts from not so pretty black and white girls. We get shoot-em-up scenes, and a whole shit load of rude memorable quotes. Dolemite is a movie that has to be experienced by everyone. So don't be "A rat soup eatin, insecure honky motha fucka". Put on your best pimp hat, kick off your hush puppy shoes and enjoy the soothing voice of Rudy Ray Moore in Dolemite.

Q Spot (2001)

Q Spot also known as Anal Q in Germany is another French release from producer Marc Dorcel. We all have heard of the G spot but this piece of Euro-Trash is a tale of a secret spot hidden within the anus known as the Q Spot.
The movie opens up in a circus with a tiger tamer performing some anal sex on Daniella Rush ( Orgie En Noir) the trapeze girl. A tiger brakes loose and attacks the trainer leaving him with a shredded neck and bleeding to death. A doctor arrives just in time for the wounded man to pass his secret of the Q Spot on before he dies. The doctor immediately puts his new talent to the test and almost over night the doctor becomes a celebrity. The world wants the secret of the Q Spot but Doc. wont give it up. During the films 100 minute runtime the doctor is kidnapped, has death threats, is swarmed by horny women, stalked by a psycho transvestite, is almost killed in bomb attacks and is even abducted by aliens. Oh and of course we get lots of hardcore anal sex.
The Q Spot is one of those movies that would have been amazing if it came out 30 years earlier and was shot on 35mm. Oh wait, it did come out 3o years ago under a different title. I think it was called Deep Throat. Oh sorry I'm mixin my movies up, that was about a secret spot in the back of the throat. Anyway Q Spot is entertaining for what it is but the shitty video quality really knocks it down a bunch of levels. I suppose its better then 90% of the stuff that comes out these days but that's only because it at least tried to be entertaining. Q Spot is a take it or leave it kind of movie. If the classic section is running thin at your local smut shop, you might wanna walk over to the foreign section and give this one a shot.

Lollipop Girls In Hard Candy (1976)

A group of friends and I ventured off to a screening of this 70's 3D sleaz-fest and we all had mixed feelings. The one thing we all agreed on was that the movie was a mess. Hard Candy is about a dork who works for a candy industry and has his new aphrodisiac lollipops stolen from him. The thief sends the pops out "all over the country" for some reason or other and it basically leads to three dimensional sex. Then theres some stupid subplot about three ancient warriors searching for the gates of Troy.
When I said that this movie is a mess, mess might be a understatement. The truth is that Hard Candy is a mish mosh of footage, some of which looks like it was taken from other films and when its all put together its just pure incoherent chaos. Aside from the incompetent film making, Hard Candy is also by far the most obnoxious porno film I have ever seen. Every character seems to be screaming in really annoying cartoonish voices and glass is being smashed constantly. Then we have some of the worst editing I have ever seen and it is accentuated with placement of random images. For instance a dragon might randomly pop up on the screen for no apparent reason and it will be gone the next second. Obnoxious is probably the best way to describe this one. It kinda reminded me of an episode of The Dangerous Brothers or more commonly known The Young Ones.
With all that said, I kind of enjoyed this screening if not for anything else, at least for its weirdness and as if the film wasn't bad enough, the projectionist let the reel fall off the projector, possibly for a better grindhouse experience. I still have my obnoxious 3D glasses from the screening and now I need to find a copy on DVD so I can be reminded of a night of fantastic pornographic torture.

Orgie En Noir (2000)

Orgie En Noir also known as Orgy In Black is a hardcore Gothic horror porn from France. It was written and directed by Ovidie a French feminist porno-star who was just making a name for her self in Europe. Ovidie stars in this one as a sort of black magic goddess and she is credited as herself. The movie opens up with two young lovers performing oral sex on each other and slugging vodka from the bottle. The couple are cramped up in the back of a car and decide to go to the local "haunted cemetery" where they will have more room and maybe a few more thrills. The couple find a nice tombstone to lean upon while they indulge in some anal sex. They are struck by lightning and killed right where they sit and with cock in anus. The dead couple are carried away by zombies and brought to Ovidie, where they will awaken as the undead and learn their eternal curse. The couple are forced to wander the cemetery for eternity. Of course the dead lovers refuse to accept their fate and try to escape Ovidie but all this leads to is sex and more sex.
Orgie En Noir is a breath of fresh air in the sense that it tries to follow some what of a plot and that's always a nice thing in the 2000's. Also the fact that its French makes the film slightly more interesting. My DVD had the option to watch it in French with English subtitles or to play it in English. The French language is the way to go. It adds a level of depth to the movie instead of an embracing dubbing. Still Orgie wasn't exactly a great movie. The plot was weak and the sex scenes get repetitive. We get some nice sets and a decent actor or two but overall it was uninteresting and not very memorable. Don't expect the Devil In Miss Jones but I suppose its a slight step up from your average fuck-tape.

TerrorVision (1986)

Yes its a play on words. Yes its about a monster that comes out of the television. Yes its 80's and yes its as stupid as could be. I first saw this one when I was in my early teens and I was pretty certain that I would never have to sit through it again. Well I was wrong and I hated it just as much the second time around, if not more. You really do have to be a silly bastard to like these 80's horror flicks. They are always more of a comedy then a horror movie and they are so painful to watch.

TerrorVision stars cult icon Mary Woronov as a swinging wife who walks around in bad 80's spandex. Mary doesn't show any flesh in this one and its no surprise. Despite the R rating, TerrorVision is basically a children's movie with a big stupid monster thrown in it. How this thing got a R rating is beyond me. Woronov was pretty busy at the time of this release and she had much better films coming out the same year. Chopping Mall for instance, was released the same year and offers much more for the average horror fanatic. Sure Chopping Mall is still cheesy but its a nice camp level of cheese, complete with bare breasts and head explosions. None of which is offered up in TerrorVision. The only decent scene in TerrorVision is probably a nice gore scene where grandpa has his head crushed by the monster and green slime pours from the crushed face. Aside from that we get a shitty 80's hair-rocker, a dumb bimbo who looks a little to much like Cyndi Lauper, a young kid who runs around in army gear preparing for a war and a grandpa character who cracks really lame jokes. If you like really crappy comedies with monsters in it I suppose this is your movie. I on the other hand want as far away from this thing as possible.

The Ghost Writer (2010)

Roman Polanski's newest film to date stars Ewan McGregor as a author of a politicians upcoming autobiography. Once the memoirs are handed over the new author finds himself unravelling a mystery that could have him killed.
Polanski is on point with his direction and the camera work is nice as well. The Ghost Writer also builds suspense on top of more suspense but where the film falls short is in the action. It follows such a boring subject matter that the tension and suspense is reacted to with yawns. Its pretty hard to care about any of the characters because they are all boring politicians. Even when we think a murderer might be at large its almost as if we wish for him to come and kill the main character because nothing interesting is happening.
I suppose this is why I watch horror movies and not thrillers... Very boring!

The Tormentors (1974)

The director that gave us garbage like The Mighty Gorga and Monsters Crash The Pajama Party takes a chance on a Biker Exploitation film. Good thing he chose such a undemanding genre because The Tormentors (as usual) is a total piece of trash.
After a man learns that his girlfriend was raped and killed by a neo nazi, biker gang he chooses to find his way into the gang with one thing on his mind... Kill Kemp, the leader of the gang. If that's not a weak-ass regurgitated plot, I don't know what is. The Tormentors is a mess of a movie and its completely unintentionally hilarious. Lovers of bad movies might enjoy this one to a certain degree but I on the other hand found it to be lame, boring and a weak exploitation flick.

The gang itself goes by the name of the fourth riche and theres only four of these clowns including Kemp the leader, Yet for some reason in one scene they threw in a few extras in the janitor suits with the swastika armbands. Its pretty confusing in the movie and it just makes you wish there really were more gang members. This however is not as confusing as the constant change in accents. Kemp has a thick German accent in some scenes and then in others he speaks like a street kid from New York. Kemp isn't the only one who changes his accent either. We have some other loser who has a thick southern accent one minute and then sounds like a Yankee the next. Then we get this really embarrassing scene involving a bazooka. One of the Nazi bikers points a bazooka at a cop car and pulls the trigger. We hear a bang and then the film cuts to the cop car with a bunch of guys laying down next to the cop car but the car just has its hood open with a bit of steam coming off the engine, signifying that the car was hit with the rocket. What the hell is that? They couldn't even set a small fire on the car to attempt to make the scene believable? They really want me to believe that these guys were thrown from the cop car and there is no damage done to the vehicle? Well I didn't buy it and that scene pissed me off so bad that I couldn't even laugh. We get one inept scene after another and after a while it gets a bit old. The film also includes one soft (very soft) rape scene and a strangulation by Swastika armband. Some pretty girls running around in Nazi uniforms, the slightest bit of nudity, gratuitous hippie dancing, a Jesus who goes to jail and some very tame torture. Don't waste you're time on this one. There are plenty of Swastika clad biker gang films out there and this one just doesn't cut it. Ill take Born Losers over The Tormentors any day.

Mush And Milk (1933)

This time the gang are Orphans at Bleak Hill and the name suits the place fine. It is ran by a old hag who's face is pretty grotesque and would have worked perfectly in a horror movie. The kids are yelled at constantly, forced to do chores and even threatened to be whipped.

So naturally the Rascals aren't the happiest we have seen them. They spend most of the time complaining and discussing what it will be like when they get out of Bleak Hill. They speak briefly of their parents and yet again Stymie's pappy is in prison.
On the brighter side of things Our Gang does have a friend in the building. A old man looks after them and gives them their education. He also tells them that some day when his money comes in he will get the whole gang out of Bleak Hills and they will live like royalty. Until then the Rascals go on with their harsh days of cleaning, cooking and freezing at night.

Stymie really steals the show in this one and he has some pretty funny bits. The most memorable is a scene where he is attempting to milk a cow. He comes up with the idea to attach a vacuum cleaner hose to the cows utter and suck the milk out. The plan goes well until he accidentally spills the bucket of milk. How will the gang get their Mush And Milk without any milk? No worries Stymie puts together a concoction of plaster and water. Once the gang sits down to eat, the mush solidifies, leaving Stymie dumbfounded.
Of course Spanky has his time in front of the camera. He answers phones, cracks jokes during class and even gives a speech but I really feel that this short goes to Stymie. This rather bleak instalment in the Our Gang series does have a happy ending (sort of). The kids teacher does get his money and he does take the kids away from the awful Bleak Hills. The kids go to the amusement park and then to a fine restaurant. The only problem is, they are served Mush And Milk.