Sorority Sister Slaughter (2007)

Wow this sucked! Sorority Sisters Slaughter is a tale of a girl who bleeds to death during an abortion gone wrong with a knitting needle in a bathtub at a sorority house back in the 50's. 46 years later the old sorority house is bought by a group of girls and they are killed one by one by the ghost of abortion-girl.
Sorority Sister Slaughter's cast is predominately black and although the acting could have been much worse its pretty ridiculous watching these actors try to pull off a scene set in the 50's. From the girls straightened hair to the African American jocks and their sarcastic mannerisms it comes off like modern day, just shot in black & white.

On the other hand, the abortion scene was cool. I found it slightly disturbing watching the teary eyed, desperate girl attempt to de-fetus herself with a knitting needle. The bath water turns a murky dark color and the camera lingers on the girl who is bleeding to death in front of us. From the opening credits I knew this was going to be a bad one but this scene gave me a sort of false hope that maybe I was in store for something half way decent. Oh how wrong I was...
Jump forward to modern day and we get a bunch of uninteresting characters and a really shitty hip hop soundtrack. As if the music wasn't bad enough the movie had some of the worst lighting I have ever seen and I'm not talking bad 80's slasher film lighting where everything is to dark to see. I'm talking bright red, green, blue and purple lighting. At first I thought the crew were going for a sort of Dario Argento style lighting but it was so over done it becomes strenuous on the eyes. Most of the time I was staring at the strangely lit screen wondering how they were trying to justify the source of the bizarre lights. It wasn't until close to the end of the movie that I realized that the electricity was supposed to be out and the house was supposed to be lit by candles. This just made me more angry. I have never seen a candle cause a room to glow green and purple.
Aside from the shitty lighting, we have these endless scenes of the ghost chasing people around the house with what seems like the same shriek looped into shot after shot. The murder scenes are all pretty dull aside from this one completely unintentionally hilarious death by basketball scene. A girl is hit in the face with a basketball (and no her head doesn't explode. this isn't Deadly Friend.) and she falls to the ground. The murderous ghost then dribbles the ball on her her face. This scene seems to go on for way to long and every time the ball comes crashing down on the victims face we get more and more blood.
Then the captain of the cheer leading team has a trophy shoved down her throat and blood pours down into her busty cleavage. I sense a bit of animosity here, especially because the writer/director is a woman. All the other murders are relatively boring and the movie just seems to go on and on.
Aside from the basketball murder sequence, a death by bong and the bloody bathtub scene there is absolutely nothing entertaining about this movie. Sorority Sister Slaughter is just one big abortion. Skip this one and watch Black Christmas again.

Bonny & Clide (2010)

Nicholas Steele is a well praised director in the modern porn industry. Mainly for the quality of his work and his movies are considered to be big budget in the adult film world. His latest film BATFXXX : Dark Night Parody (Which I haven't gotten around to yet) is supposed to be filled with explosions and computer graphics that are passable for today's mindless generation. I see the talent that Steele possesses. His movies look good, the acting is passable for these types of movies and he chooses to make movies with some sort of a story. Still I can't say that I am a fan of his work. I find Nicholas Steele to be a trendy asshole with no balls, who makes movies for other trendy assholes. If you are such a talented director, do something different. Why jump on every trendy bandwagon that comes along? The answer is because whether or not the man is talented, he is still just a business man. He will never be an artist because he chooses money over art.
Bonnie & Clyde (1967) is a childhood favorite of mine. I loved the Barrow Gang and the shoot-out violence. I also remember being sexually aroused by Bonnie (Faye Dunaway) in many scenes. Especially in the beginning of the film when she is laying around naked in the a hot room and Warren Beaty is bellow her window, plotting to steal her mothers car. I always felt that Bonnie & Clyde was a very sexually charged film and I guess I'm not the only one since they now did a hardcore remake. I have to admit I was a bit surprised when I saw the familiar scene in the 2010 porn version. I was a bit excited at first to see more flesh in a scene that turned me on as a kid. The camera took many of the same shots from the 67 classic (again showing talent from Mr. Steele) but botched it all up with some dull acting and lack of inspiration on the dumb blond who plays Bonnie.
Bonny & Clide (2010) has great costumes, very pretty women and some really great hardcore action but the movie is entirely to long. It clocks in somewhere around 4 hours and 15 minutes. The movie is so long because the sex scenes are way to long. There is hardly any story to the film and as usual with these hardcore parodies the plot seems rushed for the next sex scene. Almost every sex scene is a orgy and most of the girls are blond with big fake tits and tattoos, which may bother some who are seeing these great costumes and picturing a period piece. The tattoos didn't bother me much but I am never a fan of the big titted Barby doll porn stars that were so popular in the 90's.
There is one really cool orgy where Bonny & Clide stroll into a poor village and give the people money. Bonny reads her classic ballad very poorly and the peasants have a big fuck fest. This scene mainly stuck out for me because it looked like they used amatures instead of stars and one girl in particular really went all the way for this scene. If she isn't a star yet, I can see her getting big in the near future because she does it all and with much devotion. Aside from this orgy Bonny & Clide gets repetitive fast and although I am against the fast forward button, it is necessary for this one. There is no way I'm gonna sit through four hours of sex. All in all I found this thing to be a big waste of time and its to bad because I know that if Mr. Steele would stop sucking mainstream dick, he could probably make something interesting. Instead he offers big budget fuck-tapes with sex scenes that are way to long and disguises it with some fancy costumes and a under par plot.
Why would you want to remake a movie like Bonnie & Clyde and not even attempt to make the bloody ending worth watching. The ending was the biggest disappointment. Whats next Casablanca the XXX version?

Ultra Flesh (1980)

Remember when filmmakers actually put some thought into pornography and tried to come up with something original? Well it doesn't get much more original then Ultra Flesh. This 1980 porn flick is a sci/fi comedy with all kinds of crazy happenings.
The people of Earth have become impotent due to a diabolical alien named Mr. Sugarman (Jamie Gillis) from the planet "Freon". Sugarman has contaminated the worlds sugar supply leaving the Earthlings in a limber state. Seka plays a sort of super hero alien named Ultra Flesh who cures intergalactic problems through penetration. It is up to Seka to save the people of Earth from the evil Mr. Sugarman.
Seka or Ultra Flesh shoots laser beams from her red hot pussy at the nearest male crotch causing them to become erect once again, While Jamie Gillis is able to freeze people with his ice cold cock. Sugarman & Seka have a sort of showdown or fuck-down to the death. Will Seka's red hot pussy melt Gillis's frozen member or will Sugarman leave her looking like a ice cube? I won't tell you how the great battle ends.
Ultra Flesh also stars Luis De Jesus who most would remember as Ralphus the demented midget in Blood Sucking Freaks. Once again De Jesus plays a villain and this time we get to see him run off with a baby carriage and send it flying into a lake. He also performs a rape scene involving another midget and a python. De Jesus fans will not be disappointed. He has plenty of screen time where he runs around causing all sorts of trouble. In one scene he runs around under a table at a diner party and performs some oral sex on the ladies. John Leslie & Ron Jeremy both show up in this one and we get a good performance from both of them.
Some of the other highlights you have to look forward to is a political conference between world leaders in a bumper-car match, A big fat naked woman rolling down hills and running nude through the snow. A perverted farmer who chases his livestock around with an erection, a bunch of strange looking alien dudes, A giant exploding penis on wheels, A cool 70's esque orgy involving midgets, bondage and whips, occasional artsy camera work and a unique soundtrack.
If ya ever wondered what it would be like if Star Trek had some hardcore sex in it. Your answer is right here. Check it out for some strange intergalactic sex with Seka & Gillis.

The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)

The Brain That Wouldn't Die is one of the all time great trash films. It has everything from brain surgery to decapitated heads that talk. This classless trash flick is about a mad scientist named Bill who has a new serum that he is using for his human transplant experiments. Bill finds a new and more personal use for his serum when his soon to be wife is decapitated in a car crash. The crash scene on its own is hilarious. Bill is thrown from the drivers seat and lands near by in the woods. He runs back to the car that is now in flames and the camera takes an angle through a shattered window with flames blazing. We then see Bill's fiance's arm extend out towards the broken window for help. Bill takes his jacket off and sticks it inside the burning car and wraps his girls head in it and runs off. I can't help but wonder if he pulled his girlfriends head off or if she was supposed to have already been decapitated. After all only seconds earlier we see her reaching out for help. I suppose that is part of the beauty to these crazy exploitation flicks.

I have heard people call this movie boring and that statement really blows my mind because as I said the car crash, decapitation scene happens early on in the movie and from there it just gets crazier. Even before the crash we have a nice open brain surgery scene. This is all pretty nasty stuff for a early 60's flick.
Anyway once Bill gets his girls head to his laboratory he puts it in a sort of bin filled with his serum and some blood and the head begins to speak. Lets just say the bodiless head isn't exactly pleased that her brain isn't dead with the rest of her. Bill however doesn't share the same emotions and is determined to find a new body for the woman he loved. He heads for the local burlesque show where he will abduct females, kill them and take their body parts and only the best parts will suffice.

As if this wasn't all crazy enough we have a monster in a closet in Dr. Bill's lab. The monster is the failing result of Bill's earlier serum. The monster in the closet becomes telepathically connected with the talking head on the table and the monstrous duo take revenge on Bill and his deformed assistant. We actually get a surprisingly gory dismemberment scene where the monster rips the arm off of the Bill's assistant. The armless man runs up the stairs, smearing blood all over the walls. Later the monster will bite into a mans neck ripping a big chunk of flesh out, causing the man to bleed to death.
The Brain That Wouldn't Die also offers up a lingerie cat fight. A woman with a decaying face, A man with a "withered" deformed arm and a open heart surgery.
The acting is pretty bad and there is quite a bit of continuity going on in here. What else would you expect from such a classy movie.? The truth is I wish they were still making movies like this today. Who cares about acting when you have monsters, dismemberment and talking heads?

Official Friday The 13th Parody (2010)

I wanted to see this movie for two reasons. The first being that I am a fan of the Friday The 13th movies and I tend to like some of the shitty spoof, horror porn that they put out these days like The Texas Vibrator Massacre. The second reason is because I personally know Sara Sloane a.k.a. Sara Vandella. Before Sloane was a big star she was just another employee at the sex shop that I work at. So my co-workers and I tend to watch her movies when they come out.

Sara has her own section at my store and we proudly recommend her fuck-tapes to horny customers who seem interested. In return Sara is cool enough to stop by from time to time and take pictures with us (if were lucky, topless) and give us autographs and what not. The girl hasn't forgotten what it is like to be a underpaid smut peddler and we generally have a mutual respect.

However the Friday The 13th Parody let me down on every level. It has to be one of the worst hardcore horror parodies to come out yet and this is coming from a guy who isn't really a fan of the Saw movies but was able to dig the porn version.
Sara Sloane hitchhikes to Crystal Lake Nudist Camp despite the legend of Jason, a man who's penis was so big it weighed him down in the lake like a anchor where he drowned. Now Jason stalks the nudist camp and kills horny visitors with his "flesh eating jizz".
The story sounds funny on paper but comes off horrible on screen. We never get to see Jason do anything cool. He basically just walks around masturbating his huge mutant cock and then he shoots CGI jizz on our porn stars and the scene cuts away. In one part they reenact the Kevin Bacon arrow through the neck scene but it was done so poorly/quickly and with computer graphics that it would have been nice if they just left it out all together. The Parody also reenacts the scene where the councilors play stripopoly and to me this was the only intelligent reference in the whole movie. What better way to get into a hardcore sex scene then a game of strip-monopoly.
The thing that pissed me off the most was a flashback that was supposed to show how Jason died. We are supposed to be back in 1972 and it's the most modern looking scene in the whole movie. Jason is a big muscular Spanish man in a wife-beater with tattoos (ridiculous I know) and the blond bimbo is wearing thigh high hot topic boots and a Gothic mini skirt with a modern day school girl tie and a hipster hat. What the fuck! How the hell did they think this was a good idea?
To top off all this the movie had the nerve to go over the 90 minute mark and Ms. Sloane only had one sex scene. Surprisingly it was the worst sex scene in the whole crappy movie and this really surprised me because she really is good at what she does. I personally feel it was the lame dude they paired her up with but who can say. All I know is the Official Friday The 13th Parody was one big let down after another. Everything from the plot right down to the soundtrack. Don't waste your time on this one. If you feel the need to watch a 2010 xxx/horror/spoof check out Saw : A Hardcore Parody because the Official Friday The 13th Parody, officially sucks!

Killer Shrews (1959)

The Killer Shrews is one of those 50's monster movies that just never gets old. The monsters look like dogs with shag carpet draped over them with big rat tails and huge fangs. The truth is The Killer Shrews was so close to being a great movie. As ridiculous as the monsters are the movie manages to build tension and it really pulls the viewer in. I personally feel that George A. Romero was heavily influenced by this movie for his cult classic Night Of The Living Dead. The similarities between the two movies are endless. Its hard for me to believe that Romero didn't get any ideas from this movie.

Most of The Killer Shrews takes place in a house where a group of  seven people board themselves in to defend themselves against the hungry Shrews. They spend a lot of the films runtime nailing the doors and windows shut and enforcing them with furniture around the house. If a person is bitten by a Shrew they die almost instantly. (sounds familiar right?) Even the characters are pretty similar in both movies. For instance every one remembers/hates Mr. Cooper from Night Of The Living Dead. He makes all the wrong decisions and puts every bodies life at risk. Well this movie pretty much has the same character. In one scene he points a gun at our hero's back and threatens to kill him. Our hero turns around and beats the hell out of the guy and doesn't allow him to have a gun. In another scene our hero and our Mr. Cooper character are running to the house from The Killer Shrews. The Cooper character gets to the house first and locks the hero outside to be eaten by the Shrews. All of these things happen between Ben and Mr. Cooper in Night Of The Living Dead and its funny because I have never heard anyone else make reference to these very similar but very different movies. Next time I see Mr. Romero I will have to remember to ask him personally.
Influenced or not The Killer Shrews gets a lot of undeserved flack. Mystery Science Theater made fun of it and there are countless bad reviews on it. Sure its a cheesy movie but aren't all 50's monster movies cheesy? I personally love this film, even the ridiculous ending. If only our hero was black, maybe this movie would have been seen in different light. Okay probably not.

She (1982)

What the hell did I just watch? She is kind of like Mad Max on acid. There really is no plot to follow and the movie is all over the place. We get knights covered in swastika's, a robotic Frankenstein monster who's head explodes, toga wearing werewolves, barbarian babes in white panties, stinky fog, guys who wait inside wooden boxes and attack the first person to walk by, a telekinetic dude with green glowing eyes, a fat hairy transsexual in a tutu, a guy who multiplies when a body part is dismembered, naked men wrapped up like mummies and all kinds of other crazy happenings.
Quote of the movie, "This doesn't make any sense. This has nothing to do with sense". I couldn't agree more. This movie is so weirdly off the wall that I couldn't even tell if I liked it. My VHS copy is only 90 minutes but I see that there are some versions that go up to 106 min. I don't know if I would have been able to make it through anymore runtime unless of course if it involved some bare breasts because nudity was the one thing aside from a plot that the movie was missing. Only check this one out if you can dig crazy nonsensical, 80's post apocalyptic, mystical mayhem. Otherwise you're libel to lose your mind.

The Ape (1940)

This one is from the same director who did the awful Bela Lugosi mad scientist anti German film The Black Dragons and Boris Karloff's Doomed To Die. This guy doesn't have a very good track record as far as I'm concerned and I hope I don't force myself to sit through anymore of his under par films anytime in the near future. I suppose I like this film slightly more then the other two I mentioned but that's just because it has a killer gorilla running around in it. 

Yet again Boris Karloff is the star and this time he plays a mad scientist named Dr. Bernard who's new serum is supposed to help cure Polio. The only problem is that the serum is a concoction of human spinal fluid and who knows what else. Bernard has been in trouble with the law before for his strange experiments on human cadavers spinal column. He continues at his goal and his life long ambition to help a girl get out of her wheel chair and walk again. The main problem with Karloff's character in The Ape is that he is too kind. Its hard to take him as a madman when he loves children and just wants to do good for mankind. On the other hand we have a giant killer gorilla on the loose. We first see The Ape in what is probably the best scene in the movie. A man is teasing the giant ape and poking him with a stick. When a passer by sees that The Ape is being abused he yells at the man to put the stick down. The man replies "He killed my father and I'm never gonna let him forget it". Of course the man in the monkey suit strangles the idiot with the stick and breaks out of his cage. The rest of the movie is down hill and pretty boring from here. Karloff ends up saving the day in his own way but of course everybody still refers to him as mad Dr. Bernard.
The Ape can easily be skipped you wouldn't be missing much. If only I had enough respect for myself to not sit through em all.

                                                                        

The Mad Monster (1942)

The Mad Monster tries to cash in on the success of Lon Chaney Jr.'s The Wolf Man which was released one year prior to this low budget ripoff. The two films can't be compared in any way other then the fact that they both show a hairy Werewolf running around in the fog. The Wolf Man is an example of good actors, good direction and Universal Studios. Its very obvious that this is not a Universal film. The Mad Monster was directed by Sam Newfield who mainly did Westerns, including the exploitive Terror Of Tiny Town. Newfield proves that the horror genre isn't exactly his forte.
Still as bad as it is I am some what of a fan of this thing. I generally like cheap & quick Werewolf flicks and this one can be a okay watch for bad movie lovers. Its got a mad scientist named Dr. Lorenzo who is performing some very unorthodox experiments on his retarded gardener involving a sort of serum from wolfs blood. Every time the idiot gardener is injected with the serum he turns from man to beast.

The Wolf Man looks completely ridiculous in this movie with hillbilly overalls and a farmers hat. At times he just looks like a old man with a beard and some really bad dental work.
The Werewolf creeps through the night looking for victims and every time he returns to Dr. Lorenzo he tells the scientist that he thinks he was walking in his sleep and he doesn't feel so well, Dr. Lorenzo just tels him to shut up and go to bed. If we had a drinking game for this movie "Go to bed" would have us all drunk pretty quick.
One thing that surprised me about The Mad Monster was a scene where the monster kills a little girl. I couldn't help but be reminded of Frankenstein (1931) when Karloff drowns the little girl but that was more of an accident. This time it was just a straight out brutal attack on youth and Dr. Lorenzo uses his blood thirsty creation to exact revenge upon the people he feels have doubted him.
If you go into The Mad Monster expecting The Wolf Man you are going to be let down but if you come in looking for some cheesy b-grade monsters and some bad special effects it could be a good time. Also you have to remember this is a early 40's flick so you can't expect something like I Was A Teenage Werewolf either. 50's exploitation monster movies might be a ways off but retarded-hillbilly-werewolves isn't a bad start.

Attack Of The Giant Leeches (1959)

If you love crappy 50's monster flicks as much as I do, Attack Of The Giant Leeches is a must see. In the films opening we get a moonshine slugging hillbilly emptying shotgun slugs into a giant leech. Its hard to tell what the monster is supposed to be at first but anyone with half a brain could look down at the dvd/vhs and say "ohhhh its a leech".
Attack Of The Giant Leeches then chooses to do the typical 50's monster movie thing and not show the monsters for a bit because the rest of the town doesn't believe the crazy drunk hillbilly but we the audience wait eagerly because we were teased in the first few seconds with our sighting of the silly looking monster.

The hero of this campy B-Movie is as lame as can be but we get this awesome couple that help keep this schlock fest moving along swiftly. The couple consists of a fat tub of lard husband and his abusive harlot wife. His wife walks around with no pants on and taunts men with her legs. When ever her husband tries to talk to her she makes fat jokes and tells him to shut up. Fat man eventually finds out that his wife is cheating on him and he chases her and her cry baby lover into swamp land with his trusty shotgun. The harlot wife is pulled down into a underwater cave along with her lover where they are held captive and have the blood sucked from their bodies. Its not long before the blood suckers have their own collection of humans to suck dry in their cave and its pretty entertaining to watch these cheesy monsters suck on the victims faces.
Once the town learns what is happening they form a torch burning mob and head for the swamps as if Frankenstein's monster is hiding in there. Then they decide to do some dynamite fishing and they go to war with the army of giant Leeches.
This ones good old fashioned mindless fun and lovers of cheesy, campy, 50's monster pictures will have a blast. The best part is that Attack Of The Giant Leeches is always on those cheep-o public domain box sets. Odds are if you own a few multi packs, you probably have Attack Of The Giant Leeches. So drop a buck at the nearest super market and pick it up.

Clinic Of Torment (1997)

I took this thing out off of the fetish shelf from my store because the I wanted to be disturbed. Plus the case was different then the one that I posted above and the back had a description that lead me to believe there was some sort of a story. Usually I am not mislead by marketing schemes but this time I was a victim of circumstance. What I got was not a filthy classic porno film but a hour or so long scene at a doctors clinic and since I am not the kinda guy who is even remotely turned on by B.D.S&M or bondage or any type of sexual torture, Clinic Of Torment was a pretty rough sit through for me.
For 60 some odd minutes I had to rough it through Blue Skye and Summer Cummings, two fake titted bimbos who get off on putting eye drops in each others eyes. This was also the first time I have ever seen a nostril scope. The nurse looks down into the brunette, victims empty head through her nostrils. Not very sexy. Then there is some vagina bondage and a bit of genital piercing play. We get a whole bunch of nipple torture and a lot of whippings. Next the nurse straps a dildo to her "patients" knee and rides it. This followed by a golden shower scene that was pretty much all off screen. We see a bit of yellow spill into a bucket and then this poor excuse for a fuck-tape cuts to the bucket much more filled. The filthy video ends with a enema and the filmmakers had enough decency to not show us the shitty mess.
I almost feel that there might be a harder cut of this thing with piss and shit in it but I cant say for certain. The only thing I can say is that if does exist, I don't ever want to see it.
I'm sure there are plenty of sick bastards out there who would love to add this to their whack stack but I however learned a lesson. No more clinic porn for me, especially if its not a classic. Where is Vanessa Del Rio when you need her?

Black Dragons (1942)

Bela Lugosi plays a Nazi plastic surgeon who is working for Japan in this awful 40's horror/mystery. Through most of the movie it is pretty hard to tell what is going on. There is a big dinner party and the guests are being killed by Lugosi and their bodies are dumped on the steps of the Japanese Embassy. It turns out that these murdered men are supposed to be Japanese men who had their faces altered by Mr. Lugosi once they have their new American faces they locked Lugosi up in a cell and went America bound. Lugosi is killing them off out of revenge.
The plot is weak and the acting is even weaker. The camera work comes off uninteresting and amateurish. Watching Bela Lugosi play a Nazi and operating on peoples faces sounds like fun but 0f course we don't get to see any of the surgery scenes, since this is a early 40's flick and its really all just boring. We do get a silly monster with fangs thrown in there for good measures.
I would take Ed Woods, Lugosi films any day over this piece of garbage. Only worth a watch for Lugosi completest and maybe some badly placed stock footage. I say if they took the monster and kept Lugosi as a German Nazi and threw in a mad scientist with some vampires it might have been okay.

The Devils Rejects (2005)

Rob Zombies sequel to House Of 1000 Corpses surpasses the first film and is one of the best movies to be widely released in theaters in the past 10 years. This gritty follow up shows the Firefly family on the run from the police after a bloody shoot out on a ranch that is reminiscent of the Manson family hideout, Spahn Ranch.
Devils Rejects pays much homage to Manson and other serial killers. Its also filled with nods to cult/horror flicks of the 70's. Zombie casts, Michael Berryman, P.J, Soles, and Ken Foree. Bill Moseley and Sid Haig remain but unfortunately we lose Karen Black on this one.

Right from the beginning Devils Rejects plays as a more serious less cartoonish 70's style horror film. Once the family takes to the road they kidnap a group of people and torture them in a hotel room. Bill Moseley and Sheri Moon reenact scenes from movies like Last House On The Left where they force a girl to hit her friend. Theres also a pretty disturbing rape scene where Bill Moseley forces Priscilla Barnes to perform oral sex on him while he puts his gun in places that it just shouldn't go (unless of course you have seen Nick Zedds Fingered). Barnes is eventually killed with a knife through the heart. Another girl is forced to wear a human face. A guy is shot in the back of the head and another has his brains beaten in with a blunt object right after Moseley shits all over his religion and quotes Tex Watson "I am the devil and I'm here to do the devils work". We also have a great scene where Sid Haig punches P.J. Soles in the face and torments her young child. XXX actress Ginger Lynn also shows up in here as a prostitute who rides Sid Haig and blows his brains out in a dream sequence. Elivabeth Daly (from Pee Wees Big Adventure) also plays a foul mouth hooker and she gives Mr. Moseley a ride.
Eventually the Firefly family is caught by the local sheriff who has a vengeance to take out on the family and it all ends in the Bonny And Clyde nihilistic shoot out with lynyrd skynyrd's Free Bird on the soundtrack.
Rob Zombie was a pretty promising director with a good first feature and a better follow up. To bad he went the way of the money and does shitty Hollywood remakes. Devils Rejects is his best film and I'm sure it will remain his only good film.

Best Friends (1975)

Another bad one from Crown International. This one is about two best friends Jesse & Pat. They both plan a road trip with their soon to be brides and they are like one big sappy family. Actually the first half of this movie is so incredibly sappy that its a bit painful to sit through. We usually end up watching Jesse and Pat rolling around on the floor together with no shirts on and giggling like school girls. Its a bit homoerotic at times. Anyway, its not long before Pat's true colors start to show. He is jealous, manipulative and pretty crazy all around. Pat decides he is not going to marry his girl and he makes up his mind that Jesse is not going to marry his... Pat will not let anything step between him and his best friends good times even if it means someone has to die.
Best Friends takes a positive turn once we see how nutty Pat really is and the movie had potential to be alright but it holds back and overall disappoints. Best Friends has its share of flesh but the bare breasted girls on display aren't much to be desired. We also get an attempted rape, some fist fights and really shitty go-go dancing. Best Friends was so close to becoming a revenge flick. You can feel the nastiness that wants to come through but instead it chooses to stay tame and lame.

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

As far as all the horror movie remakes go, I suppose this is probably the only one I enjoyed. It was directed by Alexandre Aja who previous feature was Haut Tension. Haut Tension was far superior to this American remake and pretty much everything else that came out that year. However Aja still managed to put a different spin on the classic 1977 film and send it in a new direction.
The original Hills Have Eyes was about a family of inbred cannibals living up in the hills in a desert and feeding on families who drove by. Wes Cravens version was of course way better but at least Aja tried to make the remake interesting. This time the cannibalistic family were the victims of radiation from the tester bombs dropped by the American military but their deformities turned them into a sort of mutant super strength race. (Silly, I know) At times it is kind of suggested that we should sympathize with the mutants but its a little hard to feel sympathy after we watched them rape an innocent girl, shoot a mother, burn a man alive and steal a baby.
The 2006 remake does have its share of blood and guts and I suppose that is where the movie appealed to me. We get to see a man blow his head off with a shotgun, a dog is gutted, a bird has its head ripped off and the blood is drank from the decapitated body, we get stab wounds, gun wounds and a awesome scene where a guy has a American flag pole shoved through his neck. Scenes like this give the movie a very anti patriotic feel but I suppose the message can be interpreted differently by different viewers. I however felt that the movie doesn't portray America in a very nice light. Before the movie is over we also get a pick axe through a eye, a man has his fingers chopped off, we get to see someone trapped inside a meat locker filled with dismembered limbs in a sort of homage to Texas Chainsaw Massacre, we have mutant singing, baby tossing and a guy is blown up and then hit in the face with a axe.
Aja chose to keep Wes Cravens booby-trap ending but if you remember correctly the 77 version ends pretty abruptly. The remake has a ending that is slightly more gratifying.
If I had it my way, classic films would not be remade but its a cruel world and I have deal with my favorites being ruined over and over again. If you're looking for a remake that doesn't totally suck, this is the one. Its got the gore, the rape, the cannibals, the revenge and it dared to be a bit different. Now if Alexandre Aja goes back to France and doing his own movies we will be in business.

Hated : G.G. Allin And The Murder Junkies (1994)

This documentary follows G.G. Allin the all time madman of rock & roll and his band the murder junkies right to G.G.'s death. The movie starts off explaining how G.G. just finished up a three year stretch for assaulting a young girl and he chose to skip parole and go on tour with his band for this documentary. While the band is on tour we have the great privilege of watching G.G. beat himself and his fans to a bloody mess. We also get to see him roll around in his own shit (yes his feces), rub it on his face and eat it. Sometimes he throws it at his audience and others he might masturbate with it. Some call him a maniac, others call him an artist. Whatever your view is on the man, you cant ignore him. We also get to see him drink a prostitutes piss and puke all over himself, get a blow job from a man. We watch him stick a banana up his ass, throw chairs and other foreign objects at his audience and eventually we see him in his casket.
The film states that G.G. Allin a performer with a message to a sick society. I don't think anyone can argue that statement. G.G.  himself states in the film "My message is a message of rebellion. Its the message of the streets. I take the streets and I put it on the stage.". Hated is the best documentary ever made about G.G. Allin and anyone who is a fan of his music/message/mission should have seen it. For those who are not into G.G. the documentary would surely shock them and they will likely either seek out his music or they will be pleased he is dead by the films final.

Gore Gore Girls (1972)

Herschell Gordon Lewis is my favorite director and this is my favorite film he ever did. It was also the last film he would do until about 30 years later when he put out his sequel to his classic Blood Feast.
Gore Gore Girls is extreme as trashy exploitation movies get with its constant spectacles of over the top sex and violence. Any idiot can see that the title of the film is a play on words and the movie shows strippers and Go-Go girls being murdered and mutilated in great detail. The violent gore scenes depicted in the movie go so for over board that by the time the killer is done mangling a face, it looks more like a shag carpet covered in chop meat and red paint.
The most memorable scene follows a girl home after a hard day of stripping to circus stock music and being attacked by crazy feminists with signs that say things like "Quit With Tit!" and "Women Right On!". Well anyway once shes home she takes a cucumber out of the refrigerator and then has her throat slit by the black gloved killer. She falls face down on her kitchen table and the killer pulls her sheer panties down with a fork and smashes in her ass with a meat tenderizer until her ass look like raw chop meat and she eventually dies. We the viewer are not able to tell if she died from her throat being slit or her ass being beaten and smashed into a bloody mess. However the tasteless scene doesn't stop there. The killer then pours salt and pepper on the dead strippers ass wounds. Next her eyes are ripped out of her face with a fork and then squished with the fingers concealed within the black gloves. Fluid spews from the eye balls and the fork is then rammed into the eye socket and left there like a piece of art. The scene ends with a closeup of the cucumber on the kitchen floor covered in blood.

Then we get a scene where a girl is fondling herself in front of a mirror while obnoxiously blowing bubbles with her bubble gum. She is hit in the back of her head with a hammer and her bubble turns bright red as it fills with blood. During the 81 minutes of blood and breasts we also get to see a girl have her face burned to a crisp with a iron. She also has her eyeballs removed from her face. Another girl has her nipples cut off with scissors. The first nipple appears to be shooting milk and the second one looks like its spraying chocolate milk. Only in the warped mind of the great H.G. Lewis could you get this kind of stuff. We also get to see a girl being pushed from a window and cracking her head open on the concrete. Then a truck drives by and runs over the girls head leaving her brains on the street.  Theres also a scene where a girl has her face pushed into a pot of boiling french fries.
Henny Youngman also shows up in this movie and makes a bunch of dumb jokes but I personally find the main character Abraham Gentry to be much more humorous. He is conceded, rude and his acting is just plain bad. We also get a character named Grout, who sits at the end of a bar and paints faces on various fruits and vegetables and then smashes them. Gore Gore Girls is one of those movies that I can watch over and over again and it never gets old. Its funny, its bloody and its just plain filthy. Lovers of trashy, sleazy, gory, exploitation flicks will love it.

Death Riders (1976)

Death Riders is an interesting documentary about a group of young men, ages ranging from 17 to 23 who travel the country and perform death defying acts. These men blow themselves up with dynamite, crash cars at high speeds, jump motorcycles, flip cars and all sorts of other insane stunts involving moving vehicles.
Death Riders opens up with a text stating that this film is real and all of the stunts within the film is real and many people have lost their lives performing these stunts. Then it states "This film is dedicated to all of those who lost their lives performing these stunts".
During the 90 minute or so documentary we do see some accidents and some of the Death Riders are hurt and even hospitalized. However the point of this film is not to watch people being mangled. If that is what you are looking for, not only should you seek help but you should also find another movie. On the other hand Death Riders is a intense look at young men who live their life to the fullest in a time where this sort of thing was acceptable entertainment. Americans just don't go to the town fair and watch maniacs blow themselves up with dynamite anymore. Instead they sit home and watch Jackass, a group of young men who hit each other in the nut-sack. During the hour and a half run time, you really start to feel close to some of these guys and its a big thrill watching them perform some of these acts. I also really liked some of the music in this one. Its pretty much all country but its down right nasty, gritty country. One of the better songs was done by someone who goes by the genius name of Tommy Cash. The song is called Broken Bones and its just as bad-ass as the Death Riders themselves.
The Death Riders also travel around with a clown named Squeak. Squeak helps keep the "Thrill shows" entertaining and moving along at a nice pace. He does the same for the movie with silly acts and some black-face makeup. The camera work is also pretty impressive for a low budget documentary. This ones perfect for anyone who likes dare-devils and car crashes.

The Goonies (1985)

Everybody has a childhood favorite, a movie that sort of defines their youth. A movie that no matter how many years go by, you still remember all the lines. For me that movie is The Goonies. This movie played repeatedly on my VCR when I was a kid and I'm sure that to this day even my parents would remember every line due to the amount of play it got. Most of the movies that I watched a lot as a kid I wouldn't want to sit through today but The Goonies is the one that holds up for me and I believe it has the same affect on most kids who were growing up in the 80's.

Looking at the film now it sends me back in time to when I was a young kid sitting around with my best friends and chuckling at "the truffle shuffle" or Sloth and his wiggling ears. I think I laugh even harder as an adult then when I was a young preteen.
Its also hard to believe that this is what was considered a kids movie back in the 80's before everything was politically correct. The kids say the word "shit" constantly in the movie and they also talk about sex dungeons, drugs and they make jokes about sex. These lines would never be in a movie for kids today. Aside from some of the crude talk out of the mouths of young boys there is also a lot of death in the movie. The movie opens with what is supposed to be a suicide and then theres corpses with bullet holes in their heads. Not to mention the film is filled with skeletons and I could see this movie even scaring a young kid today. I guess the times were different and I watched as they changed gradually and didn't notice the regression of quality in films. It makes sense that there are a lot of scary scenes because The Goonies is from the same director that did The Omen (1976). He also did a bunch of other big hits from my youth like Superman but I couldn't care about those movies today. The Goonies stands out and doesn't even feel dated aside from the gratuitous Cindy Lauper and some cheesy 80's lines like "Jerk alert". In one scene the older brother says "I'm gonna hit you so hard that when you wake up your clothes will be out of style". That's pretty 80's too.
Still The Goonies is the ultimate adventure as far as a kids movie goes and I feel bad that the younger generation has nothing better then Sponge Bob to watch today. It doesn't matter how old I get, I'm still gonna grab my best deformed , retarded friend in a Superman shirt and sit back and enjoy The Goonies.

Bride Of Frankenstein (1935)

Its very rare when a sequel comes even close to the original but Bride Of Frankenstein is slightly better then the first Frankenstein movie or at least as far as the production value goes. It opens up with a singer, a poet and a writer sitting around a fireplace while a lightning storm rages outside. The writer is no other then Mary Shelly or at least the character is supposed to be Mary Shelly and the three artists are discussing her story, Frankenstein. In other words they are telling the audience that the original movie was just a story and the writer is sitting in front of us. We then get some flashbacks and a quick recap of the original film and the mayhem that the Monster unleashed on the village. We see the original ending with the Monster throwing Dr. Frankenstein from the old wind mill tower and then going down in flames with the crumbling mill. Next we cut back to Marry Shelly and she assures us that the story doesn't end there. Now normally this could outrage an audience. Its almost like a cop-out but once Mary starts telling her continuation of the story the viewer almost immediately forgets that we are hearing a story. It continues right from the end credits of the first film. The Monster falls into a sort of water well and Dr. Frankenstein is rushed home. The Monster continues its murderous rampage and the first victims in the sequel are the parents of the little girl that the Monster drowns in the lake. First the Monster drowns the father and then he throws the mother into the water well and she lay mangled on the rocks.
The Monster then takes to the woods and finds refuge in a old blind mans house. The Monster is still played by Boris Karloff and his performance is even better this time because the roll allows for it. The blind man and the Monster become friends and the Frankensteins Monster learns to talk. Its not long before some hunters find the Monster in the blind mans home and a typical torch wielding mob brings the Monster in.

The Monster is chained up in an old dungeon but its not long before he breaks free of his chains and is yet again on the lose. All the while we have another mad scientist named Doctor Pretorious who is trying to convince Dr. Frankenstein to take on a partnership with him. The Monster and Pretorious meet in a old crypt and the two hit it off pretty well. Karloff gives the great lines "Frankenstein made me from the dead. I love the dead, Hate the living". Dr. Pretorious soon realizes what must be done. The Monster needs a mate and Dr. Frankenstein needs to create it. It will be the Bride Of Frankenstein.
Dr. Pretorious uses the Monster to kidnap Dr. Frankensteins wife and hold her ransom until the bride is created.
The Bride Of Frankenstein is more morbid then the original with more murders and lots of depressing talk of the dead. "What we need is a female victim of sudden death" Young girls are being killed for the fresh body parts needed to create the Bride. We have rocks crushing men, people drinking and talking with corpses. When we finally get to the scene where Dr. Frankenstein is going to bring life to the Bride we have some awesome effects for the time. James Whale does a good job improving but yet keeping the same atmosphere of the original. Lightning strikes the corpse and sparks fly everywhere. Dr. Frankenstein played by Colin Clive reenacts his famous "Its alive!" scene then we have the tragic ending. Everyone and their half retarded sister knows how this one ends so there is no need to go into all of that but lets just say the Monster chooses suicide and takes the ones he loves with him. "We belong dead!"
Its amazing to me that they were making better monster movies in the 30's then they are today. The stories of these old movies were incredible and there is just so much more feeling to the film all together. The camera work is excellent in the Bride and the special effects were great too. Today we have so much cgi we can't even tell what we are looking at and the camera shakes all over the place making causing a headache before the films over. Bride Of Frankenstein is a true classic and a true classic never goes out of style.