All The Way In (1984)

This is the very first porno film I ever saw in full and for that reason alone it will always hold a spot in my heart. I have no idea how many times I have seen it and am always ready for another screening and the best part is that it isn't even that good of a film. Directed by Bob Chinn who would later be remembered for his Johnny Wadd series, this cheesy 80's flick stars Candy Samples who I remember best from Russ Meyer's Beneath The Valley Of The Ultra Vixens. Candy plays Mrs. Fantasy whom runs a column in a dirty magazine called Ultra Flesh, not to be mistaken for the porno-super-hero flick of the same title staring Seka. Anyway Candy isn't feeling up to her normal nympho self ever since she fell in love with a man named Pat who left her high and dry. Ronnie the rocket Jeremy, Mai Lin, and Eric Edwards do their best along with many others to get the old Mrs. Fantasy back but only Pat has that magic touch.

Jeremy has the best scene in the movie where he manipulates young models into doing the dirty. Mai Lin has a couple of hot scenes herself and Candy's scenes... Well those are always a rough sit but that just makes the film all the more entertaining. As a added bonus Mr. Russ Meyer shows up for a cameo where he bumps into Candy Samples on a airplane. He looks down at her massive melons and says "Where have I seen those before?". The film also offers a tid bit of S&M in a scene that shows Samples without her mullet.

All The Way In is supposed to be a comedic drama with a sensitive love story but it doesn't come off that way. It comes off as pure comedy and the bad story makes the film even more funny. You're guaranteed to laugh!

A Clockwork Orgy (1995)

The porno parody thing has gotten out of hand with dozens of titles each month. It is getting so bad that different production teams are releasing their own versions of the same classic movie, sometimes only weeks apart (Halloween : XXX Porn Parody, Official Halloween Parody). A Clockwork Orgy on the other hand dates back to 1995 and when parodies were few and far between.

This thing is slightly upscale compared to most of the porno-spoofs that come out today. The acting is better then normal or at least from some of the actors and its obvious that the crew really did their homework on Stanley Kubrick's classic A Clockwork Orange. The wardrobe looks great and the slight play on words from the unique style of writing is brilliant. "I have a rather intolerable pain in the gashy-washy Mrs."

A Clockwork Orange being one of the biggest cult films ever made it is obvious that this pornographic version is bound to have a following of its own. The real downside to it all is the destruction of the musical soundtrack. Where in the original film the music adds so much to the visuals on the screen, the score in the pornographic version almost hurts the film. The electronic 90's music is annoying and amateurish and just doesn't suit the movie at all. Aside from the shitty score, the movie was shot on 35mm and doesn't look half bad. Of course it doesn't hold that gritty feel of the 70's and 80's porn but still looks better then the digital garbage they release today. Another problem with the film is yet again another reflection of the times. The girls all look so plastic. That of course being the look of the 90's but was always quite unattractive to me. Blond babes filled with silicone. They look great dressed up in their droogy gear but once they shed the clothes it really becomes a turn off.

A Clockwork Orgy offers up home invasion rape, bum-sex, anal sex, oral sex (complete with facials), funny dialogue,Watch for my favorite scene when one of the Droogs sits on a mans face. When they tell him to "Eat that pussy!" he replies (through a muffled voice) "I am". We also get some boot licking for all you weirdo shoe fetishists out there and some lesbian-fu as well.

Worth owning as a novelty if nothing else.

This Lady Is A Tramp (1980)

Chuck Vincent, the director of Bon Appetite delivers a much more raunchy and comedic film the same year. This Lady Is A Tramp follows Samantha Fox through her divorce from Robert (Cannibal Holocaust) Kerman. She spills the beans to her lawyer... Actually she tells lie after lie to prove herself innocent and come off as a proper lady but fortunately for us the camera tells the truth and shows her as the Tramp she is and we watch all of her filthy exploits as she climbs the grimy ladder to wealth and fame.

It all starts when she was a young nympho adolescent who seduces her drunken stepfather with a quickie blowjob in a typical pervy jailbait scene from the sickie golden age of adult cinema. Samantha Fox takes turns sucking on her lollipop and her step daddy's cock. Mother walks in after the money shot and chases them around the house with a broom. Naturally the next step is to run away to N.Y.C. and attend some nice films on 42nd Street. Luckily for us Ron (The Rocket) Jeremy is putting on a show in this sleazy fuck-house and we are treated the visual of Jeremy blowing his own whistle. Ron's role is far more interesting and exploitative then that of Bon Appetite and its hard to believe the two films came from the same director.

The Lady Is A Tramp also offers up lesbianism, a orgy complete with sailor boys, a cripple who lost his limbs "at a Rolling Stones concert", some nasty name calling and other S&M treats, a bar fight scene complete with bottles being broken over achy-breaky skulls and lots of funny moments and laughable quotes for the average degenerate to chuckle to. Anyone who finds humor in these sick flicks is bound to enjoy this one.

Young, Wild And Wonderful (1980)

Jim Clark director of classics like Debbie Does Dallas and Angel Buns drops this 1980 porno flick on us about a high school field trip to a museum. Of course these high school kids are all in their 30's but that doesn't stop the screenplay from playing the jail bait fantasy to the max.

These kids are fucking horny and so are the teachers for that matter. Everybody sleeps with everybody but in one of the best scenes a girl seduces her teacher and we get the brilliantly creepy quote of the film "Does your daddy stroke your pussy like that?" Oh man, you gotta love it...

We get gratuitous "whore" calling in a threesome scene which is also the roughest scene in the movie. Robert (Cannibal Holocaust) Kerman does the dirty with a young piece of "Chicken". Then we get a gangbang (complete with circle jerk), some really ugly chicks with bad mullets, the typical taking of the virginity that is required for any classic jailbait porn and some really shitty 80's music to further make the movie less attractive. So in other words... I enjoyed it. Especially the disturbing close-ups on pubic hair and porno beaten vagina's.

Young, Wild And Wonderful also known as Wet, Wild And Willing offers some cheap laughs and one semi attractive threesome involving two pretty brunettes, one of which being Arcadia Lake from Debbie Does Dallas and the other looking a bit like Shannen Doherty with some super puffy nipples as an added bonus. Not a complete waste of time but nothing to memorable or exciting either. Just another smut flick from the pornographic archives involving youngsters and their devious sex starved ways.

Bon Appétit (1980)

Not a bad porno flick but has little to none replay value. The acting isn't horrible and we get plenty of locations from around the globe. The only problem is that its a love story. Its all done to nicely and of course whenever us sickos are subjected to movies that are to nice, we feel that there was nothing very memorable about the film.

A working class girl named Faith (Played by Kelly Nichols, Ultra Flesh, Toolbox Murders) leaves her deadbeat boyfriend for the opportunity to make a quarter of a million dollars. Her task is to fuck the ten most desirable men who were voted in by some high society yuppie bitches. Faith has 50 days to complete her filthy mission. The men consists of famous painters, a famous anchor man for channel 6 news, a politician, a famous fashion designer. etc. The only problem is that she is falling in love with her partner/photographer.

If I was to make a list of the ten most desirable men it would have been a much more interesting movie. We would have the one and only cabbage-patch-kids-faced, Arch Hall Jr. (The Sadist), Vigilante mustache bad-ass Charles Bronson (Death Wish), The Italian stallion Franco Nero (Django), Blaxploitation bad-ass ladies-man Fred Williamson (Black Caesar), Porno super star Harry Reams (Deep Throat), Rock & roll legend G.G. Allin (Hated : G.G. Allin And The Murder Junkies), King of orgies and and serial killings Charles Manson, Mutant cock Johnny the wad Holmes (Teenage Madam), The Marlboro Man himself William Smith (Run Angel Run) and of course David Hess from Last House On The Left. Now that would make for a memorable movie.

Ron Jeremy shows up for a cameo in Bon Appétit as a television announcer but doesn't put his rocket to use. Randy West (Playing With Fire) plays Faith's lover and over acts his jealousy a bit. He also makes silly faces as he strips and tries to taunt the audience with his body but for me the best and most memorable scene takes place in a dirty porn theater in Washington where Faith gives a blowjob to a perverted politician while obscenities are being shouted from the speakers of the theater. Whatever movie they were watching, I'm sure it was better then Bon Appétit.

I put this one into the category of couples/porn and that means skip it.

The Legend Of Lady Blue (1978)

The alternate title to this is Confessions Of Lady Blue but I have a confession to make. I am embraced of myself for even renting this lovey-dovy piece of shit. Naturally this nostalgic piece of smut appealed to me due to the fact that it was from the 70's and also has the word BLUE in it. Little did I know that this thing was made for a female audience. Maybe if they marketed it that way, I would have kept my pride and have stayed far away.

The Legend Of Lady Blue tells the sappy tale of two virgin lovers who go all the way before they split paths. Boy goes to the Marines and girl goes to Hollywood to be a star. Well things don't go as planned because boy becomes a love-sick junkie who shoots heroin and slaps Vietnamese prostitutes around and girl becomes a total whore bag who preforms cunnilingus on her superiors to get where she has to go.

Sure there are a couple of funny moments, one of which shows a homoerotic African American circle jerk (complete with silly orgasm faces) but the rest of the movie is just to god damn sensitive. Not my cup of tea. Last time I checked I had a penis which means this movie doesn't appeal to me in the least.

Halloween : XXX Porn Parody (2011)

As if the Hollywood studios weren't bad enough with all of the classic horror movie remakes... The pron industry is no better. Smash Pictures drops to a new low by shitting out their own Halloween porn parody only months after Zero Tolerance released theirs.

I had a really hard time deciding which one of these horror-porn parodies was worse. Zero Tolerance's Official Halloween Parody was horrible but offered up some real good laughs by Dr. Loomis character played by James Bartholet (Saw : A Hardcore Parody) but Smash Pictures released a movie that is much more true to the classic 1978 John Carpenter's Halloween. All of the main focal points of the original movie are thrown into this one and are of course surrounded with hardcore sex scenes.

The girls are also better looking in this version but the acting is as bad as can be. The character of Dr. Loomis is fucking horrible and had me praying for the laughs from James Bartholet. Another thing that caught my eye was how bruised up all the girls were in the Smash Pictures version.

Laurie is the shy goodie-girl that we know and love in the original and all of her friends think she is a virgin but in reality she is quite the freak. She sits home and masturbated to masked madmen in shitty horror movies. Her fetish fails to be true when Michael Myers is chasing her around the house with a kitchen knife. Myers does get some pussy in this one and he does it in true Jewish fashion, Through a sheet of course. "Can I get your ghost Bob".

This horror-porno-parody offers up memorable quotes from the original, really obnoxious screaming, a throat slashing, stabbings, a sewing needle to the neck, coat hanger to the eye, shootings, strangulation, shitty camera work and black & blue'd porno-sluts. If I had to chose I would say this is the better of the two. Its still ridiculous, offensive and lacks in creativity but what do you expect from a mindless, money-hungry industry?

I would assume that Smash Pictures has broken down the boundaries of pride yet again that all forms of self respect has gone out the window and we can expect more then one remake of the same movie every year.

Only worth a watch if you can't find anything better to do with your time. Unless of course you have some kind of weird fetish for light skin girls with dark bruises.

Beyond Your Wildest Dreams (1981)

Not really what I look for in a movie as far as the plot goes but Beyond Your Wildest Dreams is still another example of a well made Gerard (Deep Throat, Devil In Miss Jones) Damiano flick. Damiano has proved with films like Odyssey that he is more then just a smut director with slick camera movement, eye-candy sets and surreal tones and I feel that he was trying for the same thing with this one but was just lacking in motivation.

Beyond Your Wildest Dreams very poorly tells the story of a group of people who are trapped inside the dreams of Sharon Morgan, played by Juliet Anderson known best for the Aunt Peg series. Throughout the film we don't know if we are in a fantasy or real life so I suppose the film worked on that level but I just found the story to be rather generic and boring. What we do know is that Damiano thinks up some twisted shit. Although the film may not be as perverse as some of the rougher rape/revenge flicks in the adult cinema world, we still get plenty of sleazy kink to get us through a weak story.

First off there is a more then normal fascination with semen in this one. In one scene we watch a guy bust a nut on a mirror and Aunt Peg licks off every drop. In another, the burning man-seed is served on a plate and a busty young actress laps it up. Then of course we get the necessary facial money-shots and Mai Lin (Prisoner Of Paradise, All The Way In) gets the messiest of them all. We also have some snow-balling on display. Then we have a ultra-trashy scene where Aunt Peg inserts a bar of soap where it doesn't belong and spits it out over and over. Damiano's signature shaved vagina scene comes before to long. "Looks like a little girls cunt. Eat my little girl cunt". I'd say there is definitely some kind of fixation with young girls on Damiano's mind because we also get a actress with braces on her teeth and that's just a little to disturbing to think about. Wildest Dreams also offers up some anal action and a really weird scene where a transvestite licks Aunt Peg's ass. Come to think of it Odyssey also had some transvestite-fu.

To top it all off the movie ends on a bit of a down note where one of our characters tries to defy Sharon Morgon by waking her up and ruining her dream. Well, in return he starts decaying and it doesn't quite make sense. Does this make Beyond Your Wildest Dreams a zombie-porn in the ranks of Porno Holocaust and Porn Of The Dead? Nah, I suppose not. Only worth a look for die-hard Damiano fans and lovers of hot man-juice. Personally, I would only watch it again for Mai Lin's scene. She looks pretty damn good in this one.

Official Halloween Parody (2011)

Zero Tolerance releases yet another crappy horror-porn parody. Unlike the terrible Official Friday The 13th Parody this one offers up a few laughs, mainly from actor James Bartholet (Saw : A Hardcore Parody) who plays Dr. Loomis this time.

This parody would be completely unwatchable if it wasn't for Bartholet. His portrayal of Loomis is childish but extremely funny. Bartholet seems to be the only one who did his homework here and he doesn't do a horrible job impersonating Donald Pleasance. If only the rest of the cast and crew showed the slightest bit of interest we might have had a decent movie here.

This XXX parody was misleading with an opening that was pretty true to the 1978 original. With the steady-cam lurking around outside the windows while a young, unsupervised couple make-out on the couch. This is a porno so of course it goes into a hardcore sex scene and then the Michael Myers character picks up the clown mask and a kitchen knife and slashes his sister up. From here on the movie really goes downhill with inadequate direction and enough continuity to choke a Troma Studios member. They had a real hard time with the day for night and night for day on this one. After a while it almost seems to be done purposely.

The Official Halloween Parody offers up some loony-bin mayhem in a scene where a female patient flashes her vagina and pretends to be masturbating a penis while screaming "Where's my penis?". We get lots of genital grabbing from Dr. Loomis and repetitive yet comedic talk of "The Evil" that is Michael Myers, Anal sex, a tid bit of blood, a nympho nurse, some gun violence, and an obnoxious amount of dirty talk.
Not quite as bad as the average Zero Tolerance horror-porn but not very good either. Only worth watching for a few cheap laughs.

Silk Satin And Sex (1983)

The only thing this piece of trash has going for it is Vanessa Del Rio and she doesn't do anything to crazy except maybe some repetitive dirty talk. "Get my pussy open". A group of girls working for a lingerie company share their stories of how they met their husbands and I have to admit none of them are interesting. This one is entirely to sensitive for its own good. I was surprised when I found out that it was directed by a man because it is just trying so hard to be romantic. Well romance and classic porn don't mix as far as I'm concerned. Pornographic comedies are fine, drama's are okay, horror-porn is cool and the nasty rape ones are the best but romance... I don't think so.
Mai Lin (Prisoner Of Paradise, All The Way In) who I am also a fan of also shares her story of how she met the love of her life with another uninteresting flashback scene. I suppose the best scene in the film is the last one where we get an orgy with Del Rio and a few drunks. For a much better and much more trashy time check out Bizarre Styles which also stars Vanessa and has a very similar plot, except it holds back on all the lovey-dovey crap. Instead it offers up golden showers and fisting... Now that's exciting and filthy at the same time.

Odyssey (1977)

Gerard Damiano (Deep Throat) shows sex as art in this visually stunning XXX flick from the golden age of porn. The story is a bit on the weak side since it shows different characters with no connection living out their sexual fantasies. Robert Kerman of Cannibal Holocaust shows up in the first segment as a miserable married man who finds satisfaction in a trippy brothel. The brothel is beautifully lit with Argento-esque colors and weird masks. We also have a unique transvestite sex scene which might have influenced Nazi Love Camp 27 which came out the same year and had a surprisingly similar scene.

The nice sets, lighting and camera work flows throughout the film keeping it interesting when others would tend to bore. Odyssey also offers up some more vagina shaving which Damiano has already so memorably unleashed on the world with Deep Throat and he also digs back to The Devil In Miss Jones with some suicide. This time around the weapon of choice is not a straight razor. Instead a gun is loaded, cocked and inserted into a freshly shaved vagina. The trigger is pulled and the credits roll. "In the beginning you are born... In the end, you will die... The rest is known as life..." I found it interesting that The Devil In Miss Jones opens with a suicide and Odyssey ends with one. Its obvious that Damiano has a dark side and its always interesting to see his portrayal of eroticism and bleakness. Vanessa Del Rio also pops up for a leather clad, bondage scene which is surprisingly tame. Maybe Damiano didn't appreciate the rough stuff so much.

Odyssey merges pornography and art into one tight package. Fans of this kind of cinema or those familiar with the work of Tinto Brass (Caligula, Trasgredire) will not be disappointed but those who need the fast paced and mindless onslaught of movies like Debbie Does Dallas are bound to be bored. Check it out if you don't mind a bit of art with your smut.

Rape Victims (1975)

This 70's XXX piece of smut follows a bunch of Rape Victims into a doctors office and we hear their stories and memories one by one. Well luckily for us we don't really have to hear to much. We actually see it in flashbacks. The Alpha Blue print that I picked up was beat to hell and obviously taken from a VHS. with tracking problems and washed out colors. The whole thing was rather blurry and just filled with grit and grain. The picture above was taken from the title sequence on the print that I watched and it pretty much looked identical on my t.v. Something Weird Video also released this thing and I doubt their print looks much better. 

Aside from the bad quality we get one gross rape scene after another. One in particular has Vanessa Del Rio and some other dingbat raping a man at knife point. They tie him to a table and ride him in every way possible. Vanessa delivers the good ole get it up or lose it lines with a sharp blade under the genitals of our victim. We also have a pretty nasty scene where two men get their rape on in a filthy building. They smear some kind of car lubricant all over the victim and I couldn't help but think to myself, wow this girl probably has cancer now or what would happen to her if she went anywhere near an open flame. The lubricated woman is then of course raped and urinated on by the two rapist. (Now thats sleazy).

The rest of the movie is pretty lame generic mean spirited 70's stuff with a few rough-er-up scenes and of course tons of pubic hair. Check it out for Vanessa's scene. The easily offended should probably stay far away but then again the easily offended wouldn't be reading my blog.

Nazi Love Camp 27 (1977)

Here it is, the Nazisploitation flick I have been waiting for. Just when I thought the genre was starting to bore me I stumble upon a great like this. Don't get me wrong, its not Ilsa She Wolf Of The S.S. but then again there is only one Ilsa She Wolf Of The S.S.

The director of Nightmare Castle with Barbara Steele gives us this ultra sleazy version of Salon Kitty. Where the slick camera work of Kitty may appeal to the artsy-fartsy the sheer filthiness of Nazi Love Camp 27 should hold the attention of true trash-cinema aficionados.

As I just mentioned the plot is old and tired. A half Jewish, half Aryan girl is caught by the Gestapo and brought to a camp for women where she is raped and forced into prostitution to serve the horny men of the third Reich. She rebels and is sentenced to death but first she witnesses a fellow cellmate whipped into a bloody mess. She escapes death with the help of a very perverted and very powerful officer. He uses her for his sick sexual pleasure with scenes that consist of a German Sheppard & whips, a weird scene where our officer is in a dress and our heroine is in a soldiers uniform and he pretends to give oral sex, then we have some biting and some more whips and it becomes clear that the officer is falling in love with our helpless half breed. He gives her a false birth certificate and makes her the madam of a Nazi brothel where all kinds of perverse happenings go on, including a scene where a girl has the horns of a bull shoved up her vagina and yes ladies and gentlemen, we get to see it. In fact Nazi Love Camp 27 shows quite a bit of pornographic penetration. Even during one of the rape scenes. We also have some latex gloved, finger insertions in a vaginal examination scene. Pretty raunchy stuff! So even if the plot is old at least the down right trashiness of it all makes up for it. It could always be worse... We could always have another Nazi brothel on a train movie.

Despite the fact that Nazi Love Camp 27 is a total exploitation movie it actually has a more complex story line then the average movie in this genre. It even has a climactic ending with a great speech and revenge sequence that ends with a typical 70's nihilistic type suicide. When the credits roll in this one the viewer doesn't feel cheated. We get Nazi's, whippings, hardcore XXX stuff and some dead Nazi scum in the end.

M.A.S.H.D. (1976)

This mid 70's pornographic spoof on the television show M.A.S.H. was yet another disappointment from the Alpha Blue Archives, Annie Sprinkles triple feature. The film opens up with a pretty epic airplane crash for a Porno movie but quickly slows down with one boring sex scene after another. Sprinkles first romp is a hack-job blowjob scene under neath a table. She also does a disturbing masturbation scene where she is all oiled up in a dream sequence. The only problem is that the oil on her body seems to be picking up all of the dirt and filth from the table she is laying on and it almost gives off the impression that she is covered in hair. Gross!

We do get some typically funny 70's dialogue here and there but the tired sex scenes that mainly consist of oral sex bores and never really stimulates. Then we have some gratuitous drug use and a random football game thrown in for no reason. Not much to recommend on this one and the Annie Sprinkle triple feature turned out to be nothing more then a big let down with the exception of one weird Communist scene in My Erotic Fantasies. For some ultra filthy Sprinkles excitement check out Bizzare Styles, its a fistful of fun.

My Erotic Fantasies (1976)

If I could rename this movie I would call it Highschool Blue Balls because it follows a high school boy named Archie who just can't get laid to save his life. Archie's girl leaves him after she climaxes from a nice finger banging in the car. She feels guilty and leaves poor Archie hanging. Archie goes home to relieve himself only to find his older sister has moved back home and is staying in his room. Throughout Archie's day he is teased by sexy cheerleaders and beat up by an athletic woman for "drooling". He is turned down from just about every girl in school and his sister catches him peeping through the window of the bathroom. Archie eventually comes up with the bright idea to sneak into the girls locker room and pursue his teenage career as a peeping tom. Its there in the locker room that he sees Ronnie the big titted Burnett girl of his dreams. Ronnie lets Archie tag along for some after school recreation where she is filming a porno. This is by far the best and most bizarre scene in the movie because Archie and the other male porn stars blow it. One comes to soon and one can't come at all and Archie is just pathetic. Suddenly the movie turns from color to black and white in one of the weirdest flashbacks I have ever seen. Annie Sprinkle appears in a threesome with two Russian Communist while a very strange commie propaganda speech is going on. The hammer sand sickle is plastered across the wall and the Russian music blares as Annie sucks and fucks these two cats. Although I'm sure the Red lecture shouldn't be thought into to deeply it really doesn't fit into this silly Pornographic comedy. Other then the out of place communist orgy My Erotic Fantasies is pretty boring. I had more fun watching the rips, tears, lines and blotches on the extremely beat up print then I did the film.

For those concerned Archie eventually is cured of his blue balls when he goes to 42nd street on new years eve. He meets a angry slut who hates everything and the credits roll. We never even get to see Archie do the dirty. This one is really only worth watching for the hot brunette Ronnie and the crazy out of place commie-fuck-fest or for Annie Sprinkles completest. The rest of the world should probably avoid it.

Interlude (1983)

Interlude appears on the Alpha Blue Archives triple feature Annie Sprinkle set and I have to admit the set would probably be worth more without it. Back in the 70's this thing probably would have been a 8 min stag or a loop but here in wonderful 1983 what we get is a 54 min. bondage fuck tape.

Annie plays a prude writer who is doing a article on bondage and S&M. She doesn't know much about the subject so naturally she feels the need to partake in the latex leather wear and spankings. First she is treated slightly rough by some dude with really puffy hair. Next she smacks a guys penis around and although the guy is hanging upside down from some weird device he seems to be enjoying the beatings and so does Annie. We get some boot licking, some whipping, some nipple torture, cock-socks and weird tables that spin around.

Even if you are into this sort of thing, Interlude sucks! Its shot on video and the picture quality is blurry as hell. The audio is really lousy and there is barely a story to be found. Skip this shit. I know I would have to be bound to sit through it again.

Teenage Cruisers (1977)

What we have here is 70's porno filled with rockabilly music and ridiculous trashy happenings. Sounds like the perfect movie for a guy like me... Well it was an experience, I'll give it that.

Teenage Cruisers also known as Young, Hot 'N Nasty Teenage Cruisers a.k.a. Cruisin For Sex and just plain Cruisin (Not to be mistaken for the Al Pacino homosexual slasher) is a big mess of silly scenes thrown together and director/Rockabilly singer Johnny Legend is probably mostly to blame. Not only is he into sleazy rock & roll and sleazy women but the man is a sleaze film-fanatic and you can really see all of his influence on the film. Cheap horror movie posters are plastered all over the walls, from movies like Creature From The Black Lagoon to Mario Bava's Black Sabbath. He also fills the movie to the brim with Rockabilly greats like Charlie Feathers and Billy Zoom. There is also an awesome song performed by Alvis Wayne called I Wanna Eat Your Pudding. I will definitely be searching for more Alvis after that song. Mr. Legend plays a radio show host and he also does a live gig and performs a few songs including Hot Rocks.

The main problem with this one is how mashed up it all is. We have Mr. Legend as the dope-smoking, hip, radio show host, we have a nympho maniac on the run named Babbs, we have a Vietnam veteran who blows a never ending load, we have 70's sex loops staring John C. Holmes, we have long haired hippies, greasers, a hit and run murder and a donkey-show. Yet somehow we are supposed to believe this is the 50's. It makes no sense. All of the cars are 70's vehicles and even the greasers have long hippie hair. This movie should be seen only by those who love weird novelty movies because it is as bizarre as they come, its just to bad the movie didn't make a little more sense.

Sylvia (1977)

Sylvia also known as A Saint, A Woman, A Devil is another strange one from the 70's. Sylvia is played by Joanna Bell and she has never done anything before or since. She portrays Sylvia as a odd-ball, anti-social, religious fanatic with multiple nymphomaniac personalities. At first glance Joanna Bells acting seems to be incredibly awkward with weird facial expressions that don't seem to match the scene or surrounding actions or moods.

For example if Sylvia is checking out a mans package she tightens her lips and her eyes twitch with a crooked grin. I'm not sure if the facial expressions were part of Peter Savage's direction but it certainly makes Sylvia even weirder.

Then we have some typically 70's tasteless material such as a incestuous scene between mother and daughter involving some dildo's. We also get a big orgy with interracial action, lesbian action and some disturbing nipple tassel shaking.

Then there is a nasty rape scene which shows the great Turk Turpin who I remember best for his role in Defiance Of Good as the big black male nurse who wanted to be the first to rape Jean Jennings. Well this time around he does plenty of rapping, slapping, beating and whipping on a virginal type character who doesn't do any hardcore in this one. Even the rape scene surprisingly enough didn't show any penetration. I suppose they knew the scene was strong enough to sand on its own without the XXX stuff.

Next Sylvia takes another surprising turn when Sonny Landham from Predator shows up as a helpless junkie, shaking and twitching and rolling about in violent spasms as he screams out for a fix. We do get to see Sonny put his junkie cock to use in one of the better sex scenes in the film but his best moment involves a violent robbery scene in a doctors office. There is guns, switchblades, broken bottles and blood and Sonny Landham's acting proves he belonged doing bigger things then hardcore porno flicks.

Sylvia is a little bit all over the place with a very shaky plot and at one point it almost takes a Exorcist ripoff turn and my personal favorite scene shows Sylvia attack a priest with a giant crucifix. She goes on long anti religious rantings and forces the priest or as she calls him "Slave boy" to take off his clothes and she proceeds to rape the man of god all the while ranting about how she is the devil and she commands his will.

The version of the film I saw was extremely cut. Apparently the original uncut version goes at 90 minutes and the VCX print that I picked up is cut down to 73. Its almost hard to believe considering the version I saw had some rough material in it. Makes me wonder what I'm missing. I suppose the problems with the plot is probably due to the rapist in the cutting room, chopping the hell out of this movie. Still Sylvia is a good blasphemous time with hardcore sex, rape, incest and some very strange actors.

Night Of The Giving Head (2008)

Night Of The Giving Head is a all around retarded spoof on the the classic 1968 George A. Romero flesh eating zombie flick. This one opens up with a guy and girl in in a cemetery having a argument. No their names are not Barbara and Johnny. However the argument comes to a end when a topless, staggering ghoul approaches them. The nudie ghoul groans "More cock! More cum!" over and over again and its not long before she is sucking the pants off of the (should be) Johnny character.

Apparently men's seamen is tainted and the "Sperm-a-raise" with in the man goop is turning nubile women into cock & cum hungry nympho sluts. Once a man ejaculates, he dies but the zombie sluts stagger on, looking for more fresh meat.

Night Of The Giving Head is so stupid that its even hard for a brain-dead horror/trash junkie like myself to like it. Sure it offers up a couple of sexy sluts and a nice sex scene here and there (my favorite consists of a lesbian, zombie, strap-on scene) but it really is more of a novelty title. After all the only reason I picked it up was due to the title. I don't care about the toolbox film makers involved, that's for sure.

If this one doesn't sound dumb enough already just try to make it to the films final when the bimbo hero's learn that whipped cream is the solution to the cock and cum sucking zombie epidemic. We have the privilege of watch countless zombie bitches suck down whipped cream. Dumb! Night Of The Giving Head also offers up some decaying flesh, a cheesy goth girl, a giant zombie orgy, nut busting action and some fat zombie bitches who clearly do not belong in this movie. Only watch this one if there is nothing left in the classic section at your local porn store.

Deep Throat (1972)

Deep Throat, the king of porn never gets old. Especially when you throw some friends and beer into the mix. Linda Lovelace plays... well Linda. A girl with no clitoris. Well at least not where it belongs. Nope, Linda's clit is in the back of her throat and for this reason she has never had an orgasm. This is until she goes to Dr. Young played by the pornograpghic comedian Harry Reems. Harry teaches Linda the art of Deep Throat and with the help of the brilliant theme song, Linda is a pro. before long.

Once Linda learns the secrets of Deep Throat and reaches her long awaited climax, she goes to work for Dr. Young as a scantily clad nurse who is of course more of a call girl. She See's a man in some shiny panties who puts tubes in her vagina and drinks cahampagne from her gaping hole. She also sucks and fucks Dr. Young raw. "No! No! I can never marry you Linda. How much of this Deep Throat do you think I can take?" With Dr. Young's refusal of marriage Linda searches for the perfect husband and he has to be at least eight inches long. Well she eventually does find mister right. He just so happens to be a rapist named Wilber Wang and he has all the right parts to hit Linda's "Tinglier".

Deep Throat is a true classic from Gerard Damiano, the same genius who directed The Devil In Miss Jones. Devil and Throat may be the two movies that Damiano will forever be remembered by and its pretty amazing how completely far from each other (aside from the sex) the two films really are. Where The Devil In Miss Jones is a total downer of a movie, opening with a suicide and ending in a eternity of hell, Deep Throat is pure fun from beginning to end. From the off the wall soundtrack to the awful acting. Deep Throat never loses its touch.